Wirthy.com - Drunk And Crippled Is No Way To go Through Life

Into every life comes a little pussy

2009-09-16T19:10:00.001-07:00

The day has finally come--a day that was five years in the making. Girlfriend has officially moved in with me--along with her cat.

Now, I'm not a cat-person; I'm not even pet-person. Come to think of it, I'm not much of a people-person, plant-person or unicellular-life-form-person. I don't want my furniture covered with hair or bowls of tuna-flavored mush on my kitchen floor; and if anyone is going to shit in a sand-filled box in my bathroom it's going to be me.

However, I made a deal with Girlfriend: if one of her two cats died, she could bring over the other one.

Now Girlfriend has essentially been living with me for several months, but she kept her nearby apartment solely for her cats (those felines enjoyed a spacious one-bedroom, one-bath with attached garage). While it may have been a waste of rent money, it was a small price to pay for my sanity. That sanity saw its final day last week, when one of the cats passed away, and in moved the surviving cat, Maxie.

So far it's not as bad as I feared, although there is a bowl of food on my kitchen floor and a box of sandy cat shit in my bathroom. I visit PetSmart often and continuously browse the internet for the latest, greatest pet hair magnet, sweeper or vacuum.

Maxie and I have a love-hate relationship: she hates me and I love that. She seems to be afraid of me and runs out the room whenever I enter, not unlike Girlfriend did when we began dating. So now I have a pet, for better of for worse. To be continued ...

Shit! We now live in a Swayze-less world.

2009-09-14T18:35:00.010-07:00

It is with deep sadness I announce that at 6:28 this evening, in my Mesa, AZ, home, with my girlfriend at my side, I read an Associated Press article reporting the death of Patrick Swayze. He died of cancer.

As will every account of his death, this article labels "Dirty Dancing" and "Ghost" as the highlights of his acting career, but for me there are two other films that will always be classic Swayze: "Road House" and "Point Break."

In 1989's "Road House," Swayze ruled the Double Deuce bar with his quick fists and even quicker smile--a style of leadership and authority not often found in today's roadside bars. As an adolescent, I found confusion in the wonderful sex scene between Swayze and Kelly Lynch: I couldn't keep track of who was who--they had the exact same hair.

"Point Break" successfully assembled a magical combination of elements to create the perfect film: surfing, rubber masks of former Presidents, a pre-insane Gary Busey, Keanu Reeves jumping out of a plane with no parachute, and an extraordinary soundtrack featuring RATT's timeless "Nobody Rides For Free."

Tonight I mourn the loss of Patrick Swayze, but tomorrow I celebrate the life of Patrick Swayze. And this Saturday afternoon--as with nearly every Saturday afternoon--I will honor the career of Patrick Swayze when I turn on TBS (or TNT) to catch an airing of "Road House" or "Point Break", unless it's one of those Saturdays when Nicholas Cage's "The Rock" is on instead.

Click here to read my other "Road House"-related posts.

As Seen On TV, at least 10 times today

2009-07-18T16:13:00.002-07:00

Finally a product that will give your hair that I-have-an-enlarged-brain-tumor look!

Bumpits!

My Memory of Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T19:47:00.002-07:00

As the world mourns the loss of Michael Jackson, I would like to take a few moments to share my fondest memory of the King of Pop.

When I was a young drunken cripple, I got a "Thriller" cassette. Then I went on to never buy another piece of Michael Jackson music ever again.

Chick Flick Sunday

2009-06-21T20:15:00.002-07:00

I haven't had a good chick flick day since July 5, 2005 when I watched the epic drama "The Notebook." So, girlfriend and I were driving aimlessly around town and decided to take in "The Proposal."

I'll admit, this one was not too bad. It's a romantic comedy about Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds pretending to be engaged but they can only communicate through a magic mailbox at a lake house.

It also stars Betty White who reprises her role as Ancient White-haired Lady, a character she made famous decades ago in the hit sitcom, "The Golden Girls."

Big Movie Saturday

2009-06-14T11:54:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was a big movie day for girlfriend and me. We took in a matinee showing of the hilarious "The Hangover" and then were going to rent the critically acclaimed Clint Eastwood movie, "Gran Torino." Roger Ebert says this film is "about the belated flowering of a man's better nature. And it's about Americans of different races growing more open to one another in the new century." Unfortunately, it was all rented out so we had to settle for "Paul Blart Mall Cop." It's about Paul Blart, a mall cop.

An Age-Old Question

2009-06-13T08:32:00.001-07:00

If a team wins a championship in a sport no one cares about, did they really win?

Movies I Refuse to See, Based Only on Their Titles

2009-06-08T21:30:00.002-07:00

"The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"
"Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever"
"To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar"
"How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
"27 Dresses"

And the one that I should have known enough to avoid: "I Heart Huckabees." That was 106 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Where the hell is Dyan Cannon?

2009-06-08T20:53:00.003-07:00

While flipping through the channels tonight, I came across "Caddyshack II" on the World's Shittiest Movie Channel. I watched 30 seconds of it and then switched to an episode of "Quantum Leap." But before embarking on another time-traveling adventure with Sam Beckett and his hologram buddy, Al, I caught a glimpse of one of "Caddyshack II's" stars, Dyan Cannon. And I got to thinking: Where the hell is Dyan Cannon?

I've watched nearly every LA Lakers playoff game this season and, as much as I can remember, I haven't seen Dyan once. She's normally seated along the baseline, just around the corner from Jack Nicholson. Jack's been there, as has Denzel and Marky Mark; but no Dyan.

Maybe those royalties from "Caddyshack" and that one episode of "The Practice" in 1998 finally dried up and Lakers tickets are no longer in the budget.

Groom Spared a Lifetime of Hell For Just Four Years In Prison

2009-06-05T08:31:00.003-07:00

Alabama man jailed in scuba honeymoon death

This guy was facing a lifetime of marital hell but now he'll be a free man in just over four years.

My New Ride

2009-06-02T21:31:00.003-07:00

I'll admit it: I am stuck in the 80s. A room in my house is dedicated to the decade, complete with an 80s arcade game, Atari 2600, original Nintendo Gameboy, and 76ers-era Charles Barkley jersey. My DVR is full of "MacGyver," "Magnum P.I.," and "Quantum Leap" episodes. My iPod exclusively plays hair metal bands such as Motley Crue, RATT and Winger.

Now I have an 80s car: a 1986 Pontiac Fiero. It takes me a few minutes to get my crippled ass in and out of it, but that's a small price to pay for cruising around in 80s style.

The Fall of Woody

2009-06-02T18:48:00.004-07:00

Today, while killing some time between the start of work and the end of work, I stumbled upon a fascinating article about Lindsay Lohan being ordered to gain weight for her next film role. What fascinated me about the article had nothing to do with Lindsay's weight; it was the sad truth that this upcoming movie, "The Other Side," also stars Woody Harrelson.

Not so long ago, Woody was in winning Emmys in one of the all-time best sitcoms, "Cheers"; he was in "Indecent Proposal" with Robert Redford; he starred in box office hits "White Men Can't Jump" and "Kingpin"; and he earned a Best Actor Academy Award nomination for "The People vs. Larry Flynt." Now he's making a movie that stars not only Lohan but also boasts Kieran Culkin (Macaulay's brother), Alanis Morissette and Dave Matthews in the cast.

Poor Woody, where did it all go wrong? Probably sometime around 1999's "Edtv." Regardless, I am sure I share the hope of a country that Woody will soon reclaim his spot at the top of the entertainment world. And I know exactly how he can do it: "The Cowboy Way 2."

Hmm... Interesting idea

2009-05-10T19:13:00.003-07:00

Saudi judge: Husbands are allowed to slap their wives if they spend lavishly

If this was allowed here in the States, most of the women I know would like like this:

Priest likes to have sex with WOMAN!

2009-05-08T18:40:00.003-07:00

The church finally gets a priest who isn't into young boys and they fire him.

The Father Cutie Scandal

How do you fix a broken heart?

2009-02-09T20:53:00.003-07:00

In the last couple of months I have been going through some tests on my heart. The results are troublesome: While the part of my heart that pumps blood throughout my body is working fine, the part that shows love and compassion is severely damaged.

So in addition to having two legs that barely work, I now have a crippled heart. Tomorrow morning I will undergo a procedure to repair my heart. If all goes as planned, I may awake to find that I love children and pets and no longer hate nearly everyone I meet. But I'm not counting on that.

In the 70's, Sears Kicked Ass!

2008-12-22T18:00:00.003-07:00

I was in Sears a few months ago and saw lawn mowers, hot water heaters and dozens of cordless drills. But I didn't see anything as cool this bar, found in Sears' 1979 Christmas catalog!

So 30 years ago, for $300-some, I could have walked out of Sears with this kick-ass bar!

Browse nearly all Sears' catalogs at wishbookweb.com and see why Sears, at one time, sold every product known to man.

Karma, I laugh in your face

2008-12-07T14:35:00.002-07:00

Today I was walking into a store when a man approached me in the parking lot and asked if I could give him a dollar so he could ride the bus. I told him I had no cash. That was a lie -- I had $28 on me including several dollar bills. Right when I got into the store, guess what I found on the floor. That's right -- a dollar bill, which I scooped up and continued on my merry way.

Sobriety isn't cheap

2008-12-06T11:13:00.003-07:00

Every couple of years I go through periods of sobriety. They are always short-lived and are usually triggered just to make sure I'm not an alcoholic.

I am currently at the tail end of one due to a lingering mystery illness that has made me a recluse the past two weeks. I met some friends for happy hour yesterday and to ease my way back into society, I spent the evening sipping on cranberry juice (no vodka).

It was kind of nice: an evening out and I'll save some money; surely drinking juice is cheaper than drinking alcohol. Wrong! At The Keg Steakhouse a cranberry juice costs twice as much as a beer.

Whew...Man dodges bullet. If only every groom-to-be were so lucky.

2008-12-05T14:36:00.002-07:00

Woman swept to sea during marriage proposal on coast

Burning the midnight oil

2008-11-30T22:18:00.002-07:00

You ever notice that, in TV and movies, when someone is working at the office late at night, they always have the lights off, except for maybe a lone desk lamp. Why? Are they not allowed to keep the lights on past 5:00?

I'm going to add this to the list of of things in TV and movies that bother me.

Duets

2008-11-30T21:27:00.004-07:00

Being cooped up in your house for the better part of four days will make you do things you normally wouldn't do, watch movies you would normally not watch.

I just watched "Duets," the 2000 blockbuster starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Giamatti and Huey Lewis, among others.

The whole movie is about karaoke... yes, karaoke. Huey Lewis plays a karaoke hustler... yes, a karaoke hustler. He travels the country hustling other karaoke singers and winning prize money by performing different blues-style songs. I don't know why he just doesn't sing "Hip To Be Square" or "I Want A New Drug."

Gwyneth plays Huey's daughter. In between singing two songs, she has a few dozen incredibly retarded lines.

I think this movie ruined it for any future karaoke-themed movies. Although, it is the best Huey Lewis movie I've seen in years.

Whoa, this is heavy

2008-11-18T18:59:00.002-07:00

Christopher Lloyd returns to survey home destroyed by California wildfires

On Sale at Target: Giant Candy-EatingTurds

2008-10-26T10:10:00.003-07:00

Cellphones for morons

2008-10-25T09:56:00.003-07:00

I'm an absolute moron who can't use regular cellphones with their fancy buttons and sorcery-like technology. Thank you, Jitterbug.

Velcro Shoes

2008-10-19T08:13:00.002-07:00

When I was younger -- elementary and junior high school -- I would frequently wear Velcro shoes; They were a lot easier for me to put on and take off. But back then they were somewhat fashionable; Huge shoe companies -- well, Puma, at least -- had them flying off the shelves.

Throughout my high school and college years nobody wore Velcro anymore. I tried to fit in as much as possible so I quit wearing them too -- like nobody noticed I was crippled when I was wearing my Reebok Pumps.

Being in my mid-30s I am even less limber than I used to be; It is quite difficult to reach down past my ankles. If I drop money, I won't even to attempt retrieve it, unless it's over a dollar. So tying regular shoes has become a time-consuming chore every day. And years ago I quit caring what people think and quit trying to look cool; I should have realized it wasn't working when I took this picture in 1991.

Now these days I am sporting a couple pair of Velcro shoes (still readily available at Wal-mart), and I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm just waiting for the "Don Johnson" look to come back so I no longer need to wear socks.

Nothing good ever comes from these tubes

2008-09-25T05:05:00.000-07:00

This guy from Louisiana wants to pay poor women $1,000 to get their tubes tied. Yes -- this is one of the better ideas I have ever heard! Nothing is more annoying to me than kids, and poor kids are the most annoying.

I wish John McCain would have picked this obscure Republican for his VP instead of that other obscure Republican.

Still Crippled

2008-09-09T18:21:00.002-07:00

The Department of Transportation has issued me a new handicapped parking permit good until 2013.

Looks like I'm crippled for another five years. Oh well, better luck next time.

I Saw Nicholas Cage This Weekend

2008-08-18T20:21:00.003-07:00

And I've seen him every weekend for as far back as I can remember, all thanks to TBS and TNT and their tendency to show "Con Air" and "The Rock" every Saturday afternoon.

I challenge all my readers -- that's right, you and the other guy -- to find a weekend where one of these two movies are not airing somewhere on extended-basic cable.

How long have I been sleeping?!

2008-07-29T18:41:00.001-07:00

Larry King: Polygamist Wannabe

2008-04-16T19:31:00.003-07:00

Tonight's Larry King show featured female members of the polygamist ranch that was raided by Texas authorities two weeks ago.

Larry repeatedly grilled three of the conservatively dressed women about the lifestyle on the ranch: men having multiple wives; old men having very young wives.

You just know Larry wants to be a polygamist so badly. The guy's been married seven times. His current wife is 26 years younger than him.

Happiness: Being Able To Pee When You Have To Pee

2008-04-06T11:32:00.002-07:00

I often say happiness is being able to pee, when you have to pee. I also say marriage is the #1 cause of divorce, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Most people take for granted the ability to urinate when the urge presents itself; But for us crippled people, it's not always that easy in certain situations.

Whenever I would attend a concert by Motley Crue, Cinderella or whatever band kids are into these days, I would cautiously guzzle beer, knowing that the inevitable was coming: having to take a leak. I would look over the crowded venue, spotting the bathrooms a long, treacherous journey away. And like a crippled running back, plowing through a defensive line, I would fight my way through the crowd. After making it to the bathroom -- hopefully unscathed -- and relieving myself, I would make the same trip back to my seat, only to have to do it all over again 20 minutes later (they say you don't buy beer; you rent it). If the concert was past half over, I would just announce to my friends that I would not be returning and would meet them at the car. The same rule applies at sporting events: if I had to "go" early in the 4th quarter of a Suns game, I'd watch the remainder of the game from a TV in the hallway.

I have cursed God in the past: You took my legs; couldn't you have at least given me a super bladder?

However all that changed in April 2007 when I dropped $500 on a used mobility scooter (and $1.99 for the attachable beer holder).

When I went to college, my parents got me one of them but I refused to ride it because only the elderly and morbidly obese women shopping at Wal-mart used them.

But now I am older and, while I'm not wiser, I hate people more and care less how they look at me. So last year, before a trip to Las Vegas, I bought a slightly banged up Go-Go mobility scooter. It was the best $500 I ever spent (not counting money spent at a strip club, of course).

The scooter conveniently breaks down into four insanely heavy pieces and fits nicely into my trunk. I attached a beverage holder on the handlebars so I could adhere to the same rules I follow in my car: keep both hands on the wheel, when drinking and driving.

This past week my scooter and I attended a Bret Michaels concert at an outdoor venue. I drank one Michelob Ultra after another, completely unconcerned over how many times I'd have to visit the porta-potties (They even have handicap-accessible ones I can drive my scooter inside; but I just parked outside.) When Bret announced "here's a song from my new album," I turned the key on, cranked the speed up to "Rabbit" (it has "Rabbit" or "Turtle") and began tearing through the crowd at 4.25 mph. People either moved out of my way or their toes paid the price. I was back at the show before the opening chords to Talk Dirty To Me.

Being able to pee when you gotta pee ... priceless.

NBA Action is FANTASTIC

2008-04-04T21:40:00.003-07:00

I hate when an NBA commentator describes a play in which one player out-battles another for a rebound by saying "he just wanted the ball more." That's just stupid.

The only dumber comment said during a basketball is anything Bill Walton says.

Whatever happened to Christmas catalogs?

2008-03-27T21:24:00.001-07:00

This guy found a few hundred hours of free time and scanned Christmas catalogs from the 40s through the 80s.

I remember, as a kid, flipping through the various Christmas catalogs, constructing my list for Santa. Browsing this 1982 Sears catalog brought me back to a different time, a simpler time. A time when $15.99 got you a really neat digital watch. A time when a 25" console TV was the cornerstone of any good home theater. And and a time when Sears carried every conceivable product known to man.

For only $2,200 you could buy a video camera and make movies like a pro. For convenient playback you also got a VCR strapped to your back.

And if portability is your thing, for only 80 bucks you could buy a Mini Stereo and listen to your favorite AM and FM broadcasts, and your Asia and Foreigner tapes on the go.

Nothing says I'm a dork, please kick my ass like listening to your AM radio watch.

Apparently Sears used to carry a full line of sleepwear for Amish women.

Now I can barely remember 1982, but I definitely don't remember any men wearing these:

You younger kids are probably not aware of this, but 25 years ago TVs were made of wood. Not only could you watch your favorite programs on these sets, you could also serve a buffet dinner on them.

If there's 1 magazine I don't want to feature nudity, it's Cat Fancy

2008-03-22T10:26:00.003-07:00

But running a very close second: AARP The Magazine.

Jamie Lee Curtis takes shirt off for magazine

Iraq Porn

2008-03-21T19:03:00.002-07:00

From my early Wirthy.com archives:

This Made the News?

2008-03-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

Cable TV's The History Channel changes its name to just History

Scoliosis: The Plague of 1986

2008-03-20T17:23:00.001-07:00

As I have previously written, I grew up in a tiny North Dakota village. Throughout all my years of school I basically had the same 15 classmates. All grades -- kindergarten through senior class -- went to the same school. As a senior I would eat lunch in the cafeteria, a few tables away from my 4th grade sister. The entire school had only a hundred-some students.

This was a small town -- a small town with a horrific epidemic: Scoliosis.

As elementary students, we were tested for scoliosis every week. Ok, it may have only been once a year but in my alcohol-blurred memory, we were being tested all the time.

The girls and boys would separate and wait in lines to be screened. When it was your turn, you would remove your shirt, take a seat and lean forward. Then someone who supposedly had some sort of medical expertise inspected your spine for a few seconds and determined whether you were going to live or die. I am sure the girls endured the same process, although I imagine it was much more erotic.

In later years (5 minutes ag0), I was able to research scoliosis and learn that it is a condition in which a person's spine is curved from side to side. In 1986 we just knew that if you didn't get tested, you were as good as dead.

I always thought I should have been excluded from scoliosis screening. As I also mentioned before, I have cerebral palsy. To a kid who didn't take his first steps until he was three and rarely could take five successful steps in a row, learning that your spine was curved didn't mean much. It would be like a cancer sufferer being diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

So here I am: a 33-year-old survivor of a once-fatal disease. And I am happy to report that all 15 of my classmates also survived. I hope that when I'm gone, people will say "There's a brave guy who didn't let his curved spine get him down. He let every other aspect of his life get him down, but not his spine."

My back hurts.

Waaaahhh -- My Vagina Hurts

2008-03-19T18:12:00.001-07:00

Working women cry more on job than men

Drunken Thoughts on 'Jumper'

2008-03-18T18:09:00.005-07:00

Over the weekend, I went to the movie "Jumper." It stars Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson, Samuel Jackson and -- for five minutes of the film -- Diane Lane.

In the movie, Hayden Christensen has the power to teleport himself anywhere in the world: one moment he's in his bedroom, seconds later he's in Rome. He bounces all over the world, robbing banks and banging chicks. And, for some reason, Samuel Jackson wants to kill him -- not sure why.

Anyway, back to this whole teleporting thing: What's the big deal? I do it all the time. One time I was in my living room watching TV with Girlfriend. We went into the bedroom to have sex, and a few extremely brief moments later I was back in the living room.

And in the blink of an eye, I can go from sitting on a bar stool at my local bar to the floor just below that bar stool. A friend suggested that I make a movie called "Faller." Playing the part of an inebriated me: Mr. Emilio Estevez. I could see it.

Saturday Night Live is a Not Funny Show

2008-03-15T23:21:00.003-07:00

After a long week of laughing, it's nice to turn on Saturday Night Live and not have to worry about that for an hour and a half.

Things I Notice in TV and Movies and That, For Some Reason, Bother Me

2008-03-15T21:00:00.002-07:00

The Office Bar
In TV and movies, executives often have bars in their offices. Drinks are poured with ice cubes from the ice bucket on the bar.

How do they keep the ice frozen and readily available? Does a secretary replenish the bucket every hour? And where are these companies that allow employees to drink at work?

I'll Have A Beer
A guy sits down at a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be?" The guy replies, "a beer." Moments later a bottle of beer arrives.

A good TV/movie bartender knows -- without asking -- what brand of beer the customer wants.

Breakfast
A family enjoys breakfast before the parents head to work and the children go to school. The morning sun is shining through the windows, dad sips coffee and reads the paper, and the children eat cereal while convincing mom that their homework is done.

What time of day do these people start work? When I get up, it's pitch black outside and there's no time to catch up on the news. If I'm lucky, I have time to brush both my top and bottom teeth before hitting the road.

Keep the Change
When movie characters take a cab ride, have you ever seen them ask for change when paying the fare? Nope -- they just toss the driver some money and get out, because they always have the exact currency to cover the fare plus tip, or they're perfectly happy paying $100 for a $15 ride.

Side Effects May Include Uncontrollable Fun

2008-03-15T09:42:00.006-07:00

Sitting in my recliner, sipping coffee, watching "Beverly Hills 90210" -- my usual Saturday morning routine -- I catch a commercial for a drug called Mirapex. Assuming it's another ad for a hair loss solution or one for erectile dysfunction, I pay it little attention. But then I hear the warning that possible adverse effects may include uncontrollable gambling and hypersexuality.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. Rewind again. And again.

It turns out that Mirapex is a medication for treating Parkinson's disease and Restless Legs Syndrome. And after further research, I learned that side effects may indeed include compulsive gambling and an increased sex drive.

So the next time I find my drunken self in Vegas, I'll be armed with a weekend's supply of Mirapex -- gamblin' and screwin'! Sure, it may also cause dizziness and nausea, but Vegas alone usually causes that.

We Could All Learn From This Guy

2008-03-15T09:26:00.002-07:00

Engagement ring ends up gone with the wind

Any of us guys who are looking to pop the question should:

a) put the ring in a helium balloon;
b) watch it float away;
c) walk away and enjoy the thrill, elation and overall relief that comes with dodging a bullet.

Refreshing

2008-03-13T21:36:00.003-07:00

NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's whore is an aspiring musician -- a refreshing change from most of today's musicians who are aspiring whores.

I'm Going to Hell for my Excessive Wealth and Biological Research

2008-03-11T18:10:00.004-07:00

Nobody knows how to ruin a good time like the folks over at the Vatican. First they outlaw gluttony and sloth and now they say I can't have excessive wealth or perform stem cell research.

I have jars full of dead fetuses; what am I going to do with those now?

The Vatican is updating the 7 Deadly Sins with new "Social Sins":

1. Bioethical violations such as birth control
2. Morally dubious experiments such as stem cell research
3. Drug abuse
4. Polluting the environment
5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
6. Excessive wealth
7. Creating poverty

When it Comes to Ice, I Don't Fuck Around

2008-03-10T19:52:00.003-07:00

When one attains the status in life that I've achieved, it is perfectly normal to flaunt it: I now shop exclusively at Kohl's (Ross' Dress For Less is a distant memory of a poorer time), I am a regular diner at the upscale Outback Steakhouse down the street, I drive a pre-owned model of one of Chevrolet's finer sedans, and I buy gourmet ice.

I can't believe there was a time when I would actually take water and freeze it to make ice. How barbaric!

This Just In: Matthew McConaughey Might Be A Moron

2008-03-09T08:43:00.004-07:00

McConaughey to name son after favorite beer

His brother actually has a son named Miller Lyte, and now he wants to name his unborn child Bud to honor his favorite beer, Budweiser.

If I had a son, I'd probably name him 7&7 or White Russian.

Cellists Trying Real Hard To Be Cool

2008-03-08T19:02:00.001-07:00

Do they get blow jobs backstage during the oboe solo?

HNT: 8-Bit Nudity

2008-03-05T19:18:00.004-07:00

According to the man in charge of HNT, this week's theme is "I Love My Mac." Aside from my ancient iPod, I do not have any Apple products; but I do have an Atari 2600.

Death Can Not Contain Jeff Healey

2008-03-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

Days after being struck down by cancer himself, Jeff Healey has apparently reached from beyond the grave to deal a similar blow to his "Road House" co-star Patrick Swayze.

Swayze Being Treated For Cancer

More Jeff Healey Coverage

2008-03-03T20:23:00.003-07:00

I am really quite upset about the passing of Jeff Healey. If only I could have known that, when I caught "Road House" on TBS in January, it would be the last time I'd see him alive, I would have given him a proper tribute for his role in the best of all the Patrick Swayze movies.

With Healey's passing and the 2004 death of Ray Charles, only one of the Holy Trinity of blind musicians remains. And as Stevie Wonder foretold: "in the end, there can be only one."

Jeff Healey

2008-03-03T05:07:00.001-07:00

Remember Jeff Healey? He's the blind guitarist and singer who scored a major 1988 hit with a song, ironically, called "Angel Eyes." He was also the leader of the house band at the Double Deuce roadside bar in the 1989 Patrick Swayze epic, "Road House."

Well, he's dead.

Any Job Worth Doing Would Not Be A Traffic Reporter

2008-03-02T10:02:00.005-07:00

Since moving to our country's 5th largest metro area 11 years ago, I have woken most mornings and watched the local news, while brushing the previous night's whiskey from my teeth and deciding which shirt in my hamper has another good day left in it.

In an hour, I get local news and weather, and the "3 (or 4, 5 or 10, depending on your city) on Your Side" segment that warns us gullible consumers about mean businesses that prey upon our tendencies to hire unscrupulous plumbers or wire thousands of dollars to strangers in Nigeria.

The most worthless segment of the morning newscast has to be the traffic report. The traffic "reporter" shows up every few minutes to arm us for our commute. The "reporter" (I use the quotes to insinuate that this person -- who is usually female, well-endowed in the chestal region, and just slightly less attractive than the weather girl -- is probably a few credits shy of a journalism degree. Moving forward, I will discontinue the quotes; just imagine they are there.).

Let me start again: The reporter tells us traffic is backed up at the exact same places that it has been every morning since the invention of the car. And she (usually she) informs us of the fender bender on the corner of HalfWayAcrossTown Road and TenMilesAway Avenue. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I don't see the value of this information. By the time I get to this accident, it probably will have cleared but I will have hit two other accidents that were reported after I turned off the TV. Unless she announces an accident right outside my house, this information is completely worthless.

To accommodate the jet-setting executives, the traffic segment now includes the airport traffic report: "Due to weather, departure traffic destined to Chicago O'Hare is currently experiencing delays." Sounds like I better find a different way to make the 1,800 mile journey. Useless!

All you traffic reporters, don't fret over my rarely-listened-to opinion about your profession; you still provide more value than police sketch artists (Has a suspect really ever been identified from a pencil drawing?) and travel agents (My seven-year-old (I don't really have a seven-year-old) can book a flight.).

Today In History

2008-03-01T11:34:00.004-07:00

Is there a wonderful and powerful force in the universe that, on the first of March, gives vaginas the power to produce only the most exalted and magnificent of offspring?

I'm not sure, but there is evidence to support the theory: This day saw the birth of "Wings" actor, Tim Daly (1956); Hollywood mogul, Ron Howard (1954); Dirk Benedict (1945) -- "A-Team's" Templeton The Faceman Peck; and Canadian mega-star, Alan Thicke (1947).

Your Source For Disabled Guy Gay Porn

2008-03-01T09:43:00.002-07:00

While analyzing the daily traffic that my site receives, I found that some web surfer happened upon Wirthy.com by searching for "disabled guy gay porn."

I am happy to see that Google ranks my site 9th for this interesting subject. Now I'm off to contact the authorities; any person who is into disabled guy gay porn should probably be monitored.

Man Dies Doing Something That's Supposed To Make Him Die

2008-03-01T09:29:00.004-07:00

An Austrian tourist died after being bitten by a shark while diving near the Bahamas in waters that had been baited with bloody fish parts to attract the predators.

Now, where did I put my sympathy? Hmm ... I guess I don't have any.

People In Photos of Above-Ground Pools Exhibit Much More Enjoyment Than Actually Attainable From Above-Ground Pools

2008-02-29T15:48:00.006-07:00

Phoenix Suns Look To Trade O'Neal For Marion

2008-02-28T15:36:00.013-07:00

PHOENIX, AZ -- After losing 3 of 5 games since Shaquille O'Neal joined the team via a trade that sent Shawn Marion to the Miami Heat, the Phoenix Suns are looking to trade the 35-year-old center to the Heat for forward, Shawn Marion.

The Suns "run 'n' gun" style has produced much regular-season success, but has not led to success in the playoffs, which generally feature a slower, half-court style of game. On Feb. 6, they sent Marion and guard, Marcus Banks, to the Heat for 14-time all-star, O'Neal.

O'Neal's first game with Phoenix was a 130-124 loss to his former team, the Los Angeles Lakers. After an impressive win against the league-leading Boston Celtics, the Suns lost 2 of their next 4 games, including a humiliating 30-point loss to the Detroit Pistons.

With their Western Conference standings slipping and a difficult remaining schedule, Phoenix is looking for one more blockbuster trade to regain its dominance: Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat for Shawn Marion.

"We're looking to add some speed and versatility to our game," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "We feel that Shawn would be a perfect fit."

Suns guard, Steve Nash, said he would love to play with Marion and even called him personally to express his interest.

Miami has offered no public comment on the proposal but most sportswriters doubt the trade will happen, since the NBA trade deadline passed a week ago.

Suns GM, Steve Kerr, says that if the O'Neal-Marion trade doesn't happen, he already has a call into the Houston Rockets to see if they still have Charles Barkley and if they're interested in trading him.

Dear Wirthy

2008-02-26T18:34:00.005-07:00

DEAR WIRTHY: I am a 47-year-old woman who has been married for 19 years to a good man. He's a good father and husband who doesn't even drink. So please tell me why I cannot stand him anymore -- his voice, his laugh and anything about him. I just want out, and I don't know why. Please tell me what to do. -- LET ME OUT

DEAR LET ME: You think you have it bad? Your husband's married to a 47-year-old. That can't be a treat. Look for him to start drinking very soon.

DEAR WIRTHY: What is the appropriate way to inform my family and friends that my wedding has been canceled. -- NOTTA BRIDE

DEAR NOTTA: Don't worry -- empty church, no minister, no bride, no groom -- they'll figure it out eventually.

DEAR WIRTHY: I'm 17 and have a 14-year-old sister who is mentally retarded. My mother recently asked me to promise that I'll always take care of her when she no longer can. I think it's unfair but Mom says it's my obligation because she's family. What do I do? -- BIG BROTHER

DEAR BIG BROTHER: If the time does come when your mother looks to you to continue caring for your retarded sister, simply take "sis" to the mall and leave; or put her on a bus to anywhere -- she'll never find her way back.

Cell Phones Prevent STD

2008-02-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

A new study by a Cleveland research team (Cleveland -- Where all top research is performed.) says that cell phone use may decrease male fertility.

I keep a couple phones shoved down my pants at all time -- anything to prevent contracting the worst-ever Sexually Transmitted Disease ... fatherhood.

Air Force Pleased With Progressive Insurance After Crash

2008-02-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

An Air Force pilot who crashed his B-2 Bomber Saturday said that he is very pleased with the service he received from Progressive Insurance.

Patrick West's stealth jet crashed on take-off at Anderson airbase in Guam. He and his co-pilot ejected safely.

After parachuting to the ground, West called his superior to inform him of the accident and then immediately placed a call to his Progressive Insurance agent, Stan Morton.

"I was a little shaken up. Anytime you're in an accident with a company vehicle, it's stressful." West said. "But Stan showed up within an hour and really put me at ease."

"He inspected the damage, filed my claim and took care of all the paperwork. He even got me a rental fighter plane. I was back at my office within an hour."

Morton said that the $1.2 billion aircraft is more than likely a total loss. The Air Force will be responsible for the $850 million deductible.

The Air Force chose Progressive for its insurance needs in 1998, after it was shown Progressive's rates and the rates of its competitors.

"Sometimes they're the lowest, sometimes they're not," said Colonel Karl McSparet, adding that, whenever possible, the Air Force takes advantage of good driver and multiple vehicle discounts.

Drunken Thoughts on the Academy Awards

2008-02-24T18:40:00.032-07:00

Another Hollywood awards show. You know what that means: me, my laptop, and a bottle of $4 bottle of merlot.

So here are my drunken thoughts on the 80th Annual Academy Awards.

The first award, Achievement in Costume Design, went to "Elizabeth The Golden Age." "Transformers" wasn't even nominated. Dresses from the 1500s -- big frickin' deal. Did you see those robots? They were huge! And they changed into cars and helicopters and stuff. Now those were costumes!

The award for Whitest Person Ever goes to Anne Hathaway.

The award for Achievement in Make-up went to some movie "La Vie En Rose." C'mon! Do you know how much make-up is needed to make an actor look like a transforming robot? Whatever.

The nominees for Achievement in Visual Effects are "The Golden Compass," "Pirates of the Caribbean," and "Transformers". And the winner is ... "The Golden Compass?" Don't get me wrong -- a talking polar bear is pretty cool but, seriously, in "Transformers" I saw a Camaro turn into a giant, talking, ass-kicking robot!

When I saw that Hal Holbrook was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, I immediately thought that he died this past year. Then the camera showed him in the audience and, sadly, yes, he is dead.

There's an award for Best Live Action Short Film. What there should be is an award for Best Live Action Insufferably Long Film, because Friday night I started watching "The Assassination of Jesse James" and it just ended a few minutes ago.

Ruby Dee's performance in "American Gangster" earned her a nomination for Best Supporting Actress. Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait -- that was Kiki Dee. (I thought that was funny when I wrote it during my SAG Awards coverage, so I figured: what the hell.)

The accounting firm, PricewaterhouseCoopers, tabulates and certifies the votes for the Academy Awards. Anyone over there ever heard of a "space"? It's the thing you put between words, to separate one from the other. Anyone?

The awards for Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing went to "The Bourne Ultimatum". I remember walking out of the theater after seeing this film last summer and saying, "Now that's how a movie should be sound edited and sound mixed!"

The Best Actress in a Leading Role went to a woman I've never heard of, whose name I can't pronounce, for her work in a movie I've never heard of and, also, can not pronounce.

Damn my DVR finally caught up to real time, so now I have to listen to the remaining Best Song nominees.

The In Memoriam segment where they honor all the movie people who have died -- my favorite. The audience's level of applause indicates how important the person is: Harold Michelson, production designer for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" got no applause. Suzanne Pleshette received mild applause. But the Kodak Theatre could barely contain the applause for Heath Ledger, the most important actor of our time.

Amy Adams is presenting the award for Best Original Score . Eager to find out who the hell she is, I did a little internet research and stumbled upon something very disturbing: They're making Night at the Museum 2.

A little something I just learned: With two Oscar wins, Tom Hanks has only one more Academy award than Cuba Gooding, Jr. That doesn't quite seem right. And sadly, Carl Weathers has never even been nominated.

Diablo Cody, a former stripper, won the Best Original Screenplay for "Juno." Next time I'm getting a lap dance from Sierra, Asia, Destiny or some other young woman working her way through medical school (or law school or hypnotist school), maybe I'll actually believe her.

The Best Director award went to the Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, for "No Country For Old Men." My brother and I used to dominate at Golden Tee at a Bennigan's down the street but, other than that, we've accomplished nothing together.

Oh drunk, going to bed now.

Navy to Shoot Down ABC Family Satellite

2008-02-24T09:15:00.003-07:00

ARLINGTON, VA -- After a successful missile launch that destroyed a wayward U.S. spy satellite last week, the Navy is now making plans to shoot down the ABC Family Channel satellite.

Navy officials say that the satellite, which primarily beams syndicated re-runs of sitcoms like "Full House" and "8 Simple Rules" to cable and satellite TV subscribers, no longer provides any benefit to the country.

The Pentagon has concerns that, if the satellite is allowed to eventually fall to Earth, foreign countries could gain access to the information on-board, including all 42 episodes of the Christina Applegate series "Jesse" and the 2004 made-for-TV movie "The Karate Dog" starring Pat Morita and featuring the voice of Chevy Chase.

The satellite is also used by Sirius Satellite Radio's OUTATIME channel that plays only songs from the "Back To The Future" soundtrack.

NBA Players Build Crappy Houses

2008-02-23T09:17:00.003-07:00

As part of the National Basketball Association's NBA Cares program, current and former NBA players helped Hurricane Katrina victims by building houses -- really shitty houses.

Billed as the "NBA Cares All-Star Day of Service," the world's best basketball players fanned out across New Orleans to help rebuilding efforts during the NBA All-Star Weekend.

Phoenix Suns Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire, who are masters of the pick-and-roll but know nothing about electricity, wired two houses that immediately burned to the ground.

NBA Commissioner David Stern, who along with Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki, built a porch that collapsed moments later, said: "New Orleans suffered a great tragedy. What we're doing is providing a small helping hand in its overall recovery."

Delores and Keith Crasten's two-story house was completely submerged when the levees failed over two years ago, but now their home is being rebuilt, not by skilled carpenters and contractors, but by Muggsy Bogues, Tony Parker and George "The Ice Man" Gervin.

"I just don't know what to say," an emotional Mrs. Crasten said while watching Gervin secure her new staircase with zip ties and velcro.

Mr. Crasten watched as Gary Payton and Luke Walton reconstructed his garage, which now is little more than plywood sheets balanced on top of his Ford pickup.

During last year's All-Star Weekend, NBA players delivered babies at Desert Springs Hospital in Las Vegas, and in 2006 they assisted Houston police in taking down inner-city drug gangs.

Ahmad Rashad Will Not Dress His Age

2008-02-16T11:39:00.004-07:00

Ahmad Rashad is 59, but don't tell him that he can't dress like the cool kids do.

Check out his jeans on "NBA All-Star Special." He either stopped by the mall before the show or got his ass kicked by the Knicks in the parking lot.

Fall From the Face of the Earth Kills Band

2008-02-16T09:30:00.007-07:00

SALEM, OR -- Oregon State Police are reporting that Grammy award-winning band, The Wallflowers, have died after falling off the face of the Earth.

The Wallflowers was led by singer/songwriter Jakob Dylan -- youngest son of Bob Dylan. The band rose to fame when its second album, 1996's Bringing Down The Horse, topped the charts -- largely due to the hit song "One Headlight." They released three subsequent albums between 2000 - 2005 but failed to recreate its earlier success.

The band's management issued a statement this morning: "We are sad to report that last night, after a rousing performance at the Spirit Mountain Casino in Grand Ronde, OR, the Wallflowers sadly dropped off the face of the Earth."

The band was on its way to play a Sunday night show at Jerry's Bar & Grill in Wichita, KS.

A similar tragedy befell "Torn" singer, Natalie Imbruglia, in 2004.

I Can't Fight HNT

2008-02-13T22:10:00.003-07:00

I'm not good at putting my feelings into words -- when I'm sober, that is. Luckily Hallmark has teamed up with arena rock band REO Speedwagon to make sure I never again have to struggle to display actual feeling and emotion. (Here's the link to Hallmark's Cards with Sound)

Drunken Thoughts on 'Death Sentence'

2008-02-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched "Death Sentence." It's a movie about a successful executive, Kevin Bacon, who is married to John Travolta's wife, Kelly Preston, and has two sons. Brendan, the oldest son, is a good looking, popular high school athlete. The younger son, Lucas, is none of those things so, rightfully, is not cared about.

Kevin Bacon and his beloved son, Brendan Bacon, are driving home from a hockey game, discussing Brendan's college options when the car's low gas alert begins to chirp. Apparently when this car says it is low on fuel, it is REALLY low because Kevin Bacon has to immediately pull into the first gas station he sees -- in a very questionable part of town. I usually drive for a couple days on empty.

While Kevin is pumping gas, Brendan goes inside to get himself a slurpy. Meanwhile in the underworld: A ruthless gang enters this same service station so one of its pledges can perform a required initiation murder and gain membership. Since there wasn't a whole lot of potential victims to choose from, Brendan becomes the unlucky target and is killed.

After burying his son, Kevin Bacon has two choices: to let the legal system punish the killer, or take matters into his own hands. Since he is simply a risk assessment manager and far from a tough guy, one would think the choice would be obvious. One would be wrong.

So, armed with garden tools and a brief case that he can swing like a son-of-a-bitch, Kevin sets off to avenge his son's death.

Watching this movie at midnight, I was very entertained, but also drunk. Looking back at it this morning, it was really quite stupid. How did Kevin Bacon so quickly transform from mild-mannered suburbanite to Rambo? There's a scene where he buys an arsenal of guns but has to read the instructions to learn how to use them. Moments later, he's mowing down bad guys like he was the star of "Die Hard" -- not "She's Having A Baby." If he would have mustered up half this determination in "Footloose," he would have had no problems throwing a school dance.

And what kind of gang is this? They get their asses kicked by a "suit." And another thing: they are all white, tattooed skin heads, except for one black guy. How comfortable can he feel in that environment?

This movie was one Kelly Preston nude scene away from being mediocre.

Funny Picture, Not-So-Funny Story

2008-02-10T10:15:00.001-07:00

Click picture for story

Man Has Most Successful Marriage Ever

2008-02-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

Bride Dies During First Dance

Today In History

2008-02-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

1949 - Judith Light was born.

Judith is an actress, best known for playing advertising executive Angela Bower on the sitcom "Who's The Boss?" She also has a recurring role on ABC's "Ugly Betty."

In 1984, Tony Danza walked in on her while she was taking a bath.

Judith is a spokesperson for an anti-gay product, Proactive Solution, and is also an acne rights activist.

Correction: I guess she is a spokesperson for an anti-acne product and a is a gay rights activist.

Everyone Gets Better Presents Than I Do

2008-02-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

Mom Gave Child Alcohol, Marijuana On Birthday

On my 11th birthday, I got a transformer -- Megatron, the Decepticon leader. This girl gets beer and pot. I got a transforming piece of plastic.

The Following Takes Place During a Writers Strike

2008-02-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

With "24's" writers on strike, Jack Bauer's days are a little more mundane than they used to be.

The following takes place between 6:00AM - 7:00AM: Has breakfast, breaks the secret code puzzle on the Lucky Charms box in under ten seconds.

7:00AM - 8:00AM: Links himself to Kevin Bacon in one step: "I was in 'A Few Good Men' with Kevin Bacon."

8:00AM - 9:00AM: Interrogates neighbor about missing newspaper, electrocutes him with toaster cord.

10:00AM - 11:00AM: "Live with Regis & Kelly"

11:00AM - 12:00PM: Updates MySpace page to indicate love of punk rock and torture.

12:00PM - 1:00PM: Scrapbooking.

1:00PM - 2:00PM: Laundry.

2:00PM - 3:00PM: Sends resume to "CSI: Miami."

3:00PM - 4:00PM: Tries to disarm microwave.

4:00PM - 5:00M: Texts President picture of his ass.

5:00PM - 6:00PM: Massive shit.

6:00PM - 7:00PM: Calls Verizon, upgrades his plan to allow unlimited nuclear power plant schematic downloads.

7:00PM - 8:00PM: Accesses government surveillance satellite to track hot waitress from Applebees.

8:00PM - 9:00PM: Dominates at Duck Hunt.

9:00PM - 10:00PM: Gets kicked out of Blockbuster for causing a scene when they didn't have "Young Guns II."

10:00PM - 11:00PM: Watches a special two-part "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" where Hilary and Carlton learn a valuable life lesson while volunteering at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving.

11:00PM - 12:00AM: "Discharges his weapon," if you know what I mean.

"What is Rerun HNT?"

2008-02-06T19:14:00.001-07:00

My writers are on strike, so please enjoy this Half Nekkid Thursday rerun.

Today In History

2008-02-06T06:42:00.000-07:00

Axl Rose and Ronald Reagan were born.

Rocking The Vote

2008-02-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

I think I am perfectly fine leaving the fate of our country in the hands of people who love standing in lines. Yeah ... I think I'm fine with it.

I got to my voting place -- a junior high school -- around 5:20PM. For the next hour I witnessed democracy at its finest and efficiency at its worst. I think I have a court order that says I'm not supposed to spend that much time at a junior high school. I thought about playing the "crippled card" and cutting to the front of the line but I like to save that for really important places -- like strip clubs.

As I neared the front, I got to see American hatred grow in the eyes of fellow voters as they continued down the hall -- past the science room, the "February is Library Lovers Month" poster, and the girls softball sign-up sheet -- to take their place at the back of the line.

When it was finally my turn to vote, I wasn't sure that our country was still facing the same issues it was when I first got in line. Have the troops been called home? Can a guy still knock up a chick and legally fix the situation for less than the price of a HDTV? Is my mortgage interest rate still 32%?

All that work to write in my vote for former Starship singer, Mickey Thomas.

Classic 80's Scene

2008-02-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

Scenario:

Two cars -- one good, one bad -- are driving on a desolate highway in a 1980's TV action-drama. The trailing car pulls up next to the other vehicle and attempts to ram it off the road. This strategy is never successful the first time, so it is repeated multiple times until one of the cars is forced from the road, always going airborne and landing upside down.

In the history of real life, has anyone ever performed this maneuver? Have police officers ever stopped fleeing bank robbers like this? Has a real world gangster ever used this tactic to prevent a witness from testifying in court?

In every situation, at least one of the parties involved has a gun. But instead of shooting at the other car, they continue to bump back and forth. I always wondered why the driver of the car being attacked didn't just slam on the brakes and let the other car sweep by, like my buddy Street Hawk does in this clip:

Monday Struggles to Compete With Neighboring Days

2008-02-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

In a week of super-sized events that includes Super Bowl Sunday and Super Tuesday, Monday finds itself struggling for recognition.

Sunday the sporting world sets its focus on Glendale, AZ, and the 42nd Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. With the Patriots vying for a perfect undefeated season, it is predicted to be the most watched Super Bowl of all time.

Two days later the country will turn its attention to Super Tuesday, the day when the greatest number of states -- 24 this year -- holds presidential primary elections.

In between these two high profile days is Monday, plain old Monday. With thousands of Americans suffering through post-Super Bowl hangovers, this day has never enjoyed a great reputation. But Monday wants its chance to compete with its more glamorous week-mates.

"Monday might not have a big name event like the Super Bowl, but it offers some real quality entertainment," said Monday's spokesperson, Phillip Bostran. "We've got the CBS sit-com 'The New Adventures of Old Christine,' starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, returning for its third season; Comedy Central is airing a couple of really good 'Scrubs' reruns; and guess who is going to be on 'Regis' -- Martin Lawrence!"

"Oh sure, Monday isn't going to have any events as significant as the primaries," Bostran continued. "But it is Independence Day in Sri Lanka."

Bostran also added that, if the Super Bowl didn't satisfy your sporting needs, check your local listings Monday night and watch the LA Clippers and New York Knicks battle to stay at the bottom of their respective divisions.

"Just give Monday a chance," Bostran requested. "Its better than Wednesday which has been riding that damn 'hump day' crap way too long."

Gas Prices Rise at Same Rate Wesley Snipes' Career Declines

2008-02-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

At the end of the 1980s, a gallon of gas cost $1.02 and Wesley Snipes was in the hit comedy "Major League." 29 years later, fuel costs have tripled and Snipes is battling legal troubles and appearing in direct-to-DVD movies.

Throughout the first half of the 1990s, gas prices hovered around $1.10; Snipes was in "New Jack City" and "Jungle Fever." But by 1996 the average cost per gallon surpassed $1.20 and Snipes was appearing in the box office bomb "One Night Stand" -- a far cry from previous blockbusters like "Demolition Man."

As fuel prices continued climbing past $2 a gallon, Snipes' Hollywood career remained on a decline. In 1998 he starred in the made-for-TV movie "Futuresport" in which a sport combining basketball, baseball and hockey is created to reduce gang warfare. In 2002 he appeared in "ZigZag" which, according to IMDB.com, grossed $2,418 at the box office.

Now, with crude oil prices topping a record $100 a barrel, researchers say demand is simply overwhelming supply. Many Hollywood insiders feel the same phenomenon is occurring with Wesley Snipes.

"It's simple supply and demand," said Gary Landers, Associate Editor at Entertainment Weekly. "We have guys like Steven Seagal, Val Kilmer and Wesley (Snipes). Is there really a demand for all of them? Is there even a demand for one of them?"

Snipes was charged with conspiracy and tax fraud in 2006. He faced over 16 years in prison, but this week was acquitted of the most serious charges. He still, however, faces up to three years imprisonment and must pay $17 million in back taxes plus penalties and interest.

While gas prices have tumbled slightly in recent weeks, there is no evidence that Snipes' career will rebound any time soon. He just completed work on "Gallowwalker" -- a horror western film; not exactly a genre that has been known to produce successful films.

Drunken thoughts on '24' Season 1

2008-02-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

Girlfriend's mom gave me the "24" season 1 box set for Christmas. I am a huge "24" fan and have not missed an episode. But I haven't seen the first season since it originally aired.

I finished the last DVD a couple nights ago and here's a few drunken thoughts:

In the first two hours, I went to the bathroom five times; Kiefer Sutherland didn't go at all.

Elisha Cuthbert turned a starring role in a hit show into one of the worst careers in Hollywood history, appearing in several movies that no one saw (Th e Quiet, Captivity and The Girl Next Door in which she played a porn star who never gets naked).

Our country clearly has decided it is time for a serious African American presidential candidate, after seeing "Major League's" Pedro Cerrano earn the Democratic nomination at the end of the first season.

If you're a government agent known only by your last name (example: Agent Samuels, Agent Hollister), you are going to be killed very soon -- probably during the same episode you first appeared in.

Perhaps someone should evaluate the Human Resources department at CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit). In season #1, two moles -- spies working on behalf of terrorists -- managed to get hired at the government agency, a common situation that would occur in future seasons. Maybe review the whole application process; here's a thought:

Do you currently work for a terrorist,
intent on destroying our country? [ ] Yes [ ] No

If "Yes," may we contact your current terrorist organization?

al Qaeda is Blowing Up Disabled People

2008-02-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

In Baghdad, terrorists strapped bombs on two mentally disabled women and sent them into a busy market. The bombs were detonated, killing more than 50 people.

This is very sad and -- you know -- a little careless on the terrorists' part. What if these women diverted from their target, to find a TV showing "The People's Court" before Wapner starts in four minutes?

Christina Ricci Is Hot, To A Monkey

2008-01-31T05:58:00.000-07:00

Christina Ricci assaulted by chimp

Christina Ricci was sexually assaulted by a chimpanzee on the set of her latest movie. Hmm ... there's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

What I'm Really Like, On The Inside

2008-01-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

Heath Ledger's REAL Final Interview (I'm going to hell for this one)

2008-01-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

Many media outlets are touting their recent Heath Ledger interviews as the actor's last, but Wirthy.com has obtained the transcript to, what is indeed, Ledger's final interview.

From January 22, 2008, approx. 3:30pm:

EMT (Emergency Medical Technician): "Heath, can you hear me?"

Ledger: No reply

EMT: "Wake up, Heath, wake up!"

Ledger: No reply

EMT: "Damn it! C'mon Heath, are you there?"

Ledger: No reply

Kicking the Bucket

2008-01-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

Every second-rate blogger is posting a bucket list -- a list of things to do before you die. Since I would love to be second-rate and I hardly ever come up with my own original ideas, here's a list of things I would like to do before I pass from this world to the eternal flames of hell:

Obtain copies of all four "Iron Eagle" movies. I believe that uniting them will unlock strange and wonderful secrets of the universe.

Locate college roommate and ask for my Technotronic CD back

Learn how to correctly use "who" and "whom"

Get the NBA back on NBC and resurrect this intro song

Write and produce "Godfather IV," where Andy Garcia wages war against MySpace, Friendster and Facebook, giving the Corleone Family control over the lucrative social networking industry.

Explain to the world that the correct saying is "I couldn't care less" not "I could care less."

~~Meet Heath Ledger~~

Learn valuable life lesson that, although I can change into a werewolf, it will be much more satisfying to hit the free throws and win the big game as myself.

I am SO going to forget all the little people

2008-01-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

I was shocked today to see the number of hits my drunken site got. Lately I've been averaging a pathetic 40-50 visitors a day (The number of visitors is pathetic. I'm not saying my visitors are pathetic; although some of you know you are.) But today I'm already over 600.

Are the cool kids finally recognizing me? How is this possible? I'll tell you how: my site was featured on the front page of USA Today!

Ok, ok ... maybe not the front page, but my blog -- specifically my Josh Brolin nose picking entry below -- was mentioned in a USA Today entertainment blog - Celeb photo roundup - the good, the bad, the ugly.

I haven't had this kind of publicity since I was mistaken for a guy from "To Catch A Predator." It's only a matter of time before you see my drunk ass on "Letterman."

You know, ever since I saw him on a 1986 episode of "Highway to Heaven," I knew that Josh Brolin's and my career would be forever intertwined.

Drunken thoughts on the Screen Actors Guild Awards

2008-01-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's Screen Actors Guild Award night! There's very few things I enjoy more than sitting at my computer with a single-serve bottle of champagne and toasting our finest actors -- and Ryan Gosling. Actually, it was either that or "Matlock: The Assassination" (Ben and Leanne link the mayor's assassination to a judge charged with sexual assault) on the Hallmark Channel.

There was a time when young girls drooled over James Spader. On a side note, they also dropped their panties for Warrant front-man Jani Lane. Well, those days are gone. It now appears that those two may have been, in fact, the same person.

The Screen Actors Guild statue is hung like me:

It was a big night for "The Sopranos." It won Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Drama Series; and James Gandolfini and Edie Falco took home awards for Actors Most Likely To Be Hoping For A Sopranos Movie In 5 Years. Little Steven put on his best pirate costume for the event.

Woody Harrelson is in attendance, probably to receive a lifetime achievement award for his work in "White Men Can't Jump" and "Doc Hollywood."

Alan Rosenberg, president of the Screen Actors Guild began his speech with: "Tonight as we celebrate our 75th anniversary, 800,000 men and women in uniform around the world are watching us. Our best wishes to them all." If there's even one of our nation's solders watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards, I fear for our safety.

If they ever make a Kentucky Fried Chicken movie, I know who would be a perfect Colonel Sanders:

The Life Achievement award went to Charles Durning. Maybe next year, Woody.

If Queen Latifah is now an actress, not a rapper, isn't about time to for her to drop this "Queen" bullshit? It took me five seconds of research to discover her name is Dana.

Viggo Mortensen is presenting the award for Outstanding Female Actor In A Supporting Role. Last night I saw his ass and cock-and-balls in "Eastern Promises." The award went to Ruby Dee for playing Denzel's mom in "American Gangster." Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait ... that was Kiki Dee.

Actually, maybe Tommy Lee Jones would make a better Colonel Sanders.

The award for the Actor With Most Grease In His Hair went to Daniel Day Lewis. Damn -- this guy is really broken up over Heath Ledger! After making his entire speech about how he once saw Heath in "Monster's Ball" and "Brokeback Mountain," he dedicated his naked actor trophy to him.

Have you ever had a booger in your nose that, no matter how much you pick, you just can't get it out? And if so, did it happen when you were on stage, accepting a Hollywood award? Well, it happened to Josh Brolin.

Car Flies for a Little While

2008-01-26T18:14:00.001-07:00

Car flies 200 feet, then kills 5

The realization of flying automobiles came much closer this morning, when five young men managed to fly their car over 200 feet in Ocala, FL. Sadly, these pioneers will never realize the importance of their contribution, as their flying car crashed into a tree, killing all aboard.

Because the car was destroyed, it is unclear how much will be gained from this experiment. Experts are hoping to learn more than they did in 1990 when Doc Brown's time-traveling De Lorean was wrecked by a freight train.

Remember this one? 'Turbo Teen'

2008-01-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

How is it that I can't remember how I got home last Wednesday, but I remember a Saturday morning cartoon that aired only 12 episodes when I was 10?

"Turbo Teen" was an animated series that ABC aired in 1984 about a teenager, Brett Matthews, who drove his sports car into a scientific lab's molecular beam. As a result, he is able to morph into his car when his body temperature reached a certain level.

Brett used his new powers to battle crime with his girlfriend, Pattie, his best friend, Alex, and his dog. In the 80's teenage cartoon characters always had dogs and nearly all of them battled crime.

No one seemed to be bothered that they were riding around "inside" their friend. If I remember right, if Turbo Teen had passengers when he began morphing into human form, he would end up on all fours with his passengers sitting on his back. Creepy.

When I was a kid I liked how his hands turned into tires and his ass expanded to the rear of the car, but it freaked me out that his mouth stretched to become the grill. Now that I'm older, I have other questions. What part of the car is his penis? You know it's the gear shift -- you just know it!

Here is a funny parody from "Robot Chicken".

I know this god-damned thing is going to hit my house -- I just know it.

2008-01-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Satellite is weeks away from hitting Earth

Don't Say It

2008-01-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

MSN.com featured 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman (they also had 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Guy).

There were a couple of good suggestions like don't tell a woman to "relax" because it is basically saying to her that she is being irrational. I always tell girlfriend to relax or "calm down"; she doesn't like that much.

But there was an obvious omission. Any list of things to NEVER say to a woman, should begin and end with:

Will you marry me?

Question

2008-01-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

Existing single-family home sales drop

Why are home sales always referred to as "single-family" home sales? Is there a whole market out there of multiple families getting together to chip in on a house?

Super Half Nekkid

2008-01-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned here, I discovered my crippled super powers very early on.

What's Half Nekkid Thursday?

Batman makes quick work of the Joker, this time around

2008-01-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

Batman nemesis and former gay cowboy, Heath Ledger, dead

Remember this one? "Just the Ten of Us"

2008-01-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

There wasn't a whole lot to do in the tiny, remote North Dakota town I grew up in. So most nights were spent watching TGIF, Must See TV, or whatever block of prime time programming the networks threw at me.

From 1988 to 1990, Just the Ten of Us was part of ABC's TGIF Friday night lineup (along with Perfect Strangers, Full House and Mr. Belvedere in 1988-89; and Full House, Family Matters and Perfect Strangers in 1989-1990).

A spin-off of Growing Pains, the show was about a gym teacher -- and father of eight -- who moves his family to California to take a job at an all-boys Catholic school. As part of his employment deal, all his kids are allowed to attend the school; but four of his kids are teenage girls. Oh, oh -- you guessed it -- hilarity ensues.

The marriage in this show was an early adopter of the fat-guy-with-attractive-wife theme that is still used in sitcoms today (King of Queens; Still Standing).

The show covered the normal 'special' sitcom topics: cutting class, teenage drinking and smoking. But it never touched on some more fitting subjects such as fertility drugs, Mormonism or sex addiction -- anything that would lead to a couple having eight kids.

I thought the second oldest daughter (played by Brooke Theiss) was the hottest.

An undated later photo shows she has held up over the years:

Here is a link to the show's theme song.

You aren't as smart as Kevin Bacon and Jason Priestly

2008-01-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

Since day one, the world has been run by adults, with the younger generation forced to blindly follow their elders and heed such advice as "when you're my age, you'll understand," as if with greater age, came greater intelligence.

But there are two instants in history that have taught me that teenagers are far more intelligent than adults and, when faced with a difficult decision, will always make the right choice. Adults, on the other hand, will continue to follow poor decisions until a rebellious kid -- usually with cool hair -- sets them straight.

The first moment was in "Footloose" when Kevin Bacon took on the entire town of Bomont and its ban on public dancing. With bible in hand, he explained to Reverand John Lithgow and the rest of the townsfolk how their law against dancing and rock and roll music was wrong.

"And it was King David ... who we read about in Samuel. And what did David do? David danced before the Lord with all his might ... leaping and dancing before the Lord,'' recited Kevin Bacon from his scripture. "Leaping and dancing!"

Thanks to Kevin Bacon, the kids were allowed to decorate an old barn and dance to the hard rock music of Kenny Loggins and Mike Reno from Loverboy.

The second situation was this:

Remember this one? "One More Try"

2008-01-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

"One More Try"
Timmy T

This song hit the top of the Billboard Charts in 1990. While I do remember it from when I was in high school, back then I lived in a small remote village without MTV so I didn't know what Timmy T looked like. Now that I have seen him, I have the same sickening feeling that I got when I first actually saw a Color Me Badd video.

Here's the original video, but skip it and go down to the live performance below -- it's much better.

So much going on here: the hair and those background dancers. Apparently poor Timmy couldn't afford good dancers. I think they signaled me to bunt or steal second a couple times.

Oh, doctor

2008-01-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

If you're in the medical field, this has got to be your dream job:

Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation

"Doctor, your one o'clock physical -- Sindee Coxx -- is ready. And your appointment with Aurora Snow has been pushed back to three-thirty."

Like any job, however, it could have its bad days:

Why even bother

2008-01-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Friend of Marine on the run: 'He's like MacGyver'

If this guy is even a little like MacGyver, why even try to find him? Could anyone catch MacGyver? Nope. Murdoc tried numerous times - all unsuccessfully.

By now, he's probably sailed halfway across the world in a homemade hot air balloon.

Abortions Down, Whiny Brats Up

2008-01-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

U.S. Abortion Rate Falls to Lowest Level in Decades, while Annoying Brat Levels Skyrocket to All-Time High