Is there that big of a demand for this?

TSA to Allow Scissors, Tools on Planes

Finally! Now I can do all things I used to do with scissors on a plane:

Cut my hair
Make paper dolls
Cut letters out of magazines for ransom notes
Make my own valentines
Stab people

Fascinating!

I didn't end up drinking any whiskey last night to fight my cold. In fact, I didn't drink any alcohol. Instead I took a couple cold tablets that expired two years ago. Sometimes I think you gotta let that stuff age a little, 'cause it really knocked me out.

I awoke in time to watch Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005. I had to sit through 11-year-old Dakota Fanning say that she doesn't want to be treated like a kid. Oh, I can't wait for her to turn to porn after puberty hits and her career tanks.

I listened to Tom Cruise proudly claim that, because of him, 450,000 kids are off prescription drugs and how he bought Katie Holmes her own sonogram machine so they can immediately see when their baby's alien antennae develop.

Bike rider Lance Armstrong was supposedly fascinating this year for dominating a sport that nobody cares about.

I actually was fascinated to see that this is what Teri Hatcher looks like these days.



After watching all that, I finally get to the most fascinating person of the year: Camilla Parker Bowles. You've gotta be f'ing kidding! What's so fascinating about her? The only thing I can of is that, despite looking like a man, she managed to marry a prince. Granted, it was the world's ugliest prince, but still a prince.

Which is the gay, male couple?

Ah-Choo!

Runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing. Damn head cold!

Ok germs, we'll see how you stand up to my whiskey-medicine, when we get home.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image to read the story.

(archive)

Drunk survey

Saw this survey on Trust Me, I'm Blonde and figured I'd give it a go around.

Here's how it works. I read each question. Then I responded, putting my answers directly below the question.

1) Have you ever been drunk?
More often than not.

2) How old were you the first time you got drunk?
I wasn't that young. Maybe 15 or 16.

3) Have you ever given/gotten digits while drunk?
Given a few times. Gotten only once.

4) Have you ever drunk dialed (a/k/a dial a shot)?
Yes, a lot in the 90's. Now its all about the drunk TXT messaging.

5) Have you ever been drunk in front of a family member?
Sure. Who am I trying to impress?

6) Have you ever had to cover up the fact that you were drunk?
Nope. Who am I trying to impress?

7) Have you ever been arrested for an alcohol related crime?
I got hit with Minor-in-Possession in my hometown when I was 20. I took eight hours of "alcohol" classes. Got pulled over for D.U.I. six or seven years ago. It was reduced to reckless driving and I enrolled in more classes.

8) Have you ever hooked up with someone while drunk?
Only with girlfriend.

9) Ever forget their name?
I keep girlfriend's name programmed into my phone so I won't forget it.

10) When was the last time you were drunk?
Sunday morning.

11) Have you ever been on a drunken binge?
Yes, since 1993.

12) Do you need alcohol to have a good time?
Hmm...I don't know. Never tried to without it.

13) What kind of alcohol gets you most intoxicated?
Whiskey

14) Favorite liquor?
Seagrams 7

15) Favorite beer?
Miller Lite

16) Have you ever woken up from a night of drinking still drunk?
Yes

17) Have you ever swam drunk?
No. I try to stay away from open water.

18) What kind of drunk are you?
I'd say I'm a functioning drunk. I can get lit up the night before and still roll into work by 10:00am.

19) Is alcohol a "truth serum" for you?
Unfortunately, sometimes.

20) Favorite drinking partner?
I got this one friend who is very good and picking up the tab.

21) Favorite drink?
7 and Seven

22) Have you ever completely blacked out?
Of course, hasn't everyone?

23) Have you ever puked from drinking?
Yes, but not since 1996.

24) Have you ever had the crying drunks?
Nah. How could I have anything to be sad about? I'm drunk!

25) Can you still do physical activities while drunk?
I can't do physical activities when sober.

26) Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight?
Verbal fight, yes. Physical fight, no. Even drunk I know that I would always come out on the losing end of a real fight.

27) Who is the most annoying drunk that you know?
Actually, that's probably me.

28) Who is the most flirtacious drunk?
I am yet to see a girl drunk enough to flirt with me.

29) Do you have a drunken nickname?
No, at least not one that people say to my face.

30) Have you ever received a drunken booty call?
No. Damn it, why not?

31) Funniest drunken scene in a movie:
Every scene from "Arthur."

32) Favorite song(s) about drinking:
I have no idea. Are there any drinking songs that aren't country?

33) Have you ever woken up next to someone you didn't know (after drinking)?
No.

34) Have you ever been hit on by anyone way older then you?
Yes. She was way older and, sadly, I have photos.

35) What is the worst "buzz kill"?
Alarm clock - time to go to work.

36) Have you ever dated a bartender, a bouncer and/or a cocktail waitress?
Nope.

37) Do you ever say to yourself...Dang! I need a drink! ?
I usually just think it. By the time I actually say the words, I've usually managed to find a drink.

38) Do strangers ever buy you drinks?
Sometimes. It's always welcomed.

39) Have you ever drank too much on a date?
Probably. It seems like my date is always drunk though. Hmm...

40) Is there anything you REFUSE to drink?
Tequila, Jagermeister

41) Have you ever been drunk on a plane?
Maybe just a little tipsy. I'm not often on long flights.

42) Have you ever been drunk during the day?
Of course.

43) Have you ever had to run from the cops and leave your beer behind?
I really can't run, so what's the point? I would be better off playing dead.

44) What is your favorite drinking game?
There's this one game. I call it When You're Thirsty, Drink.

45) Have you ever injured yourself while drunk?
Hell yeah! I've been picked up off the ground many many times.

46) What's the most destructive thing that has happened to you while drinking?
I've fallen through some furniture. Cuts and bruises. Nothing to get worked up over.

47) Ever been drunk at a concert?
Concerts for me are kind of a waste of money. I get drunk and then have no recollection of the show.

48) What is the strangest public place you have ever been drunk?
Nowhere, really. I drink in pretty normal places.

49) Have you ever stolen anything while drunk?
No.

50) Why do you drink?
The doctors tell me that I can survive without alcohol, but I'm not willing to risk it.



That survey made me thirsty. Too bad the Drunk Meter says sober.

This crazy bitch ain't playing fair

KIMBERLY STEWART ENDS 11-DAY ENGAGEMENT

How are we going to be treated to a three-month marriage and hilarious divorce if she keeps calling off her engagements? This is her second broken engagement this year.

Today in history

1997 - Final episode of "Beavis and Butt-head," on MTV. That sucked, Beavis.

Problem? Maybe.

What would make a person who just spent a night drinking himself unconscious and then passed out on a couch, fully dressed including leather jacket and shoes, get up at 8:00am and drink a beer? I'm not sure, but that's what I did this morning, and I'm pretty sure it's what makes me cool.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Ok, this one might be a funny story too.



Click image to read story

Life on, life off.

Goodbye Mr. Miyagi.



(Thanks to Arbusto for the new title.)

Maybe I do know a little about marriage

(Note: If you're looking for this week's HNT entry, scroll down a little.)

Three years ago when Nick and Jessica got married, I told a female married friend of mine that it would never last. She told me that, since I am single, I do not know anything about marriage.

From that moment, I carried a little "we'll see" attitude with me. I knew I wouldn't have to carry it for long. Let's all celebrate the demise of another foolish celebrity marriage.

Simpson, Lachey 'part ways'

Thanksgiving HNT

Guidelines for "Half-Nekkid Thursday"

I'm a funny bastard

Dlisted.com frequently posts funny photos and then asks readers to submit captions. My caption was selected as the funniest in this entry.

A Thanksgiving miracle

Boss-man just came into my office and said that I really don't need to come in tomorrow, as the office will probably close early.

So I am thankful for Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night - all nights that I will be drinking heavily with no next-morning repercussions.

Today in history

1963 - Lyndon B. Johnson was inaugurated as the 36th U.S. President. Oh, and the 35th President, John F. Kennedy, was shot and killed while driving around in Dallas.

1997 - INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence hanged himself in his hotel room. He was 37 years old. I'm sure that if he could rise from the dead, after seeing his band replace him with a reality show winner, he'd hang himself all over again.

Thanks for the advice, Usher

Usher offers dating tips in Time magazine

"Women love compliments. Talk to her. Buy her a drink. Make her laugh."

Gee, thanks.

What he forgot to mention was: if at all possible, try to be a famous singer, and a millionaire too.

Today in history

1987 - Demi Moore marries actor Bruce Willis. Ashton Kutcher was 9.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image to read story

MTV won't let me be heard

Once again, MTV News: You Tell Us has refused to post one of my opinions.

They have not posted this commentary I offered on defining marriage:

"There is only one thing that disgusts me more than gay marriage, and that is straight marriage."

Damn you, MTV! I will be heard!

Marriage survey

Early to wed may make marriage happy, survey says

This can't be true! The best age to get married is in your late 60's to mid 70's - the closer to death, the better.

Frickin' Rachel is more of a man than I am

I realize that I'm not much of a man but you'd think that even I would stand a chance at being Man of the Year, before a woman. However this week GQ magazine gave Jennifer Aniston that title.

Now a woman is more of a man than me. I suck! I suck! I suck!

Jennifer Aniston Named GQ's 'Man Of The Year'

What is...HNT

Guidelines for "Half-Nekkid Thursday"

Hangover Meter

Introducing the Hangover Meter.

Now you will be able to see the correlation between how much fun I have at night and how shitty I feel the next day. Lucky you!

Hello booze. It's been a while.

I worked from home today, partly because I wasn't feeling well, partly because I can.

I haven't stepped foot outside my sprawling 900 sq. ft. suburban home in over 30 hours. I ended my flu-symptom-induced sobriety about three hours ago. Apparently my tolerance has been lowered to dangerously low levels because, after just a few drinks, I actually watched some of the Country Music Awards.

I'm watching Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman. He said he quit drinking, hasn't drank in many months. You're only 30 and you've given up already? Nobody likes a quitter, Joaquin!

Captain Kirk is a strange guy

For some reason, the story of William Shatner's wife drowning in 1999 always intrigued me. I found it strange that there was never any suspicion aimed at Shatner.

While I doubt he had anything to do with her death, he is definitely guilty of being creepy with "What have you done," his spoken-word tribute to her, from his latest CD "Has Been." Check out these moving lyrics:

She was underwater
In the shadows
Was it there, was it not?
I stepped back
A veil in front of my eyes
The water was still and so was she
I dove in with so little breath
In truth I knew
I was too late for death
I had one chance
I grasped her arm and floated upwards
Wanting to stay below in the warm forgiving waters
What have you done
I screamed to the stars
Then over to the shallow edge
She was face down
Smaller and more vulnerable than in life
Her curls wet around her ears and neck
Her dear profile at peace at last
A finger in her throat sounded a click
Her body still and blue
Is this what death looks like?
My love was supposed to protect her
It didn't
My love was supposed to heal her
It didn't
You had said don't leave me
And I begged you not to leave me
We did.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image to read the story

Her photo ruined the story

I thought this story was a lot sexier when I first heard about it, before I saw the woman's picture.

'Cool mom' gets 30 years for sex parties

Today in history

1950 - Arthur Dorrington, the first black man in organized hockey suited up.



1992 - Ozzy Osbourne performed what he had announced would be his last concert, in Costa Mesa, CA. Sharon Osbourne later announced to Ozzy that he will continue touring until he dies.

1997 - William Shatner weds Norine Kidd. Two years later she ended the marriage by drowning in Captain Kirk's swimming pool.

Too much information

Warning! This entry may provide too much personal information.

Around 3:00pm today I had a sudden urge from within my intestines. I rushed to the mens room to evacuate the urge. This is where the too much information comes in.

I returned to my office and everything was fine, for about five minutes. Then the urge returned. This time I had even less time to make the journey to the bathroom. Luckily I, again, made it in time.

Clearly I was not well. And these are not the type of symptoms you want when facing a 30-minute commute. Once I felt like I had a half-hour window of safety, I hit the road. It was a nervous drive, but I made it with no problem.



Girlfriend Melissa worked tonight so I was looking forward to a night of solo drinking. I'm not sure what I have - a cold or flu. Which one of those are you supposed to drink with?



So instead of drinking, I spent the night researching my illness on webmd.com. It turns out that I have Tyrosinemia. Symptoms include diarrhea, fever and desire to leave work early.

Damn Drunk Meter is acting up again

As some people pointed out in my previous post, my Drunk Meter showed that I was going to be sober for my weekend drinking retreat. Let me tell, that definitely was not the case.

That damn Drunk Meter must have been malfunctioning. Never buy a Drunk Meter from some guy in a van who also sells crab legs and long distance phone cards. Anyway I have updated the previous post to reflect my actual drunken level over the weekend.

Bye Bye

Girlfriend Melissa and I are leaving on a weekend-long drinking retreat. Be back sometime later, probably.


I cheated and used this graphic before, but why recreate a masterpiece?

Note: Drunk Meter does not reflect current level of toxicology but, rather, is predicting my average drunkeness this weekend.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image to read story

Ummm...alca...alcuh...alcoho...

So I was planning on enjoying a quiet, sober night at home. But then I got the call to go out drinking.

It's not that I drank that much - just three beers, but I have this disease where, once I start drinking, I can't stop. It also gives me an uncontrollable craving for alcohol throughout the day. Can't remember what it's called.