Chick Flick Sunday

I haven't had a good chick flick day since July 5, 2005 when I watched the epic drama "The Notebook." So, girlfriend and I were driving aimlessly around town and decided to take in "The Proposal."

I'll admit, this one was not too bad. It's a romantic comedy about Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds pretending to be engaged but they can only communicate through a magic mailbox at a lake house.

It also stars Betty White who reprises her role as Ancient White-haired Lady, a character she made famous decades ago in the hit sitcom, "The Golden Girls."

Big Movie Saturday

Yesterday was a big movie day for girlfriend and me. We took in a matinee showing of the hilarious "The Hangover" and then were going to rent the critically acclaimed Clint Eastwood movie, "Gran Torino." Roger Ebert says this film is "about the belated flowering of a man's better nature. And it's about Americans of different races growing more open to one another in the new century." Unfortunately, it was all rented out so we had to settle for "Paul Blart Mall Cop." It's about Paul Blart, a mall cop.

Movies I Refuse to See, Based Only on Their Titles

"The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"
"Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever"
"To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar"
"How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
"27 Dresses"

And the one that I should have known enough to avoid: "I Heart Huckabees." That was 106 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

The Fall of Woody

Today, while killing some time between the start of work and the end of work, I stumbled upon a fascinating article about Lindsay Lohan being ordered to gain weight for her next film role. What fascinated me about the article had nothing to do with Lindsay's weight; it was the sad truth that this upcoming movie, "The Other Side," also stars Woody Harrelson.

Not so long ago, Woody was in winning Emmys in one of the all-time best sitcoms, "Cheers"; he was in "Indecent Proposal" with Robert Redford; he starred in box office hits "White Men Can't Jump" and "Kingpin"; and he earned a Best Actor Academy Award nomination for "The People vs. Larry Flynt." Now he's making a movie that stars not only Lohan but also boasts Kieran Culkin (Macaulay's brother), Alanis Morissette and Dave Matthews in the cast.

Poor Woody, where did it all go wrong? Probably sometime around 1999's "Edtv." Regardless, I am sure I share the hope of a country that Woody will soon reclaim his spot at the top of the entertainment world. And I know exactly how he can do it: "The Cowboy Way 2."

Burning the midnight oil

You ever notice that, in TV and movies, when someone is working at the office late at night, they always have the lights off, except for maybe a lone desk lamp. Why? Are they not allowed to keep the lights on past 5:00?

I'm going to add this to the list of of things in TV and movies that bother me.

Duets

Being cooped up in your house for the better part of four days will make you do things you normally wouldn't do, watch movies you would normally not watch.

I just watched "Duets," the 2000 blockbuster starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Giamatti and Huey Lewis, among others.

The whole movie is about karaoke... yes, karaoke. Huey Lewis plays a karaoke hustler... yes, a karaoke hustler. He travels the country hustling other karaoke singers and winning prize money by performing different blues-style songs. I don't know why he just doesn't sing "Hip To Be Square" or "I Want A New Drug."

Gwyneth plays Huey's daughter. In between singing two songs, she has a few dozen incredibly retarded lines.

I think this movie ruined it for any future karaoke-themed movies. Although, it is the best Huey Lewis movie I've seen in years.

I Saw Nicholas Cage This Weekend

And I've seen him every weekend for as far back as I can remember, all thanks to TBS and TNT and their tendency to show "Con Air" and "The Rock" every Saturday afternoon.

I challenge all my readers -- that's right, you and the other guy -- to find a weekend where one of these two movies are not airing somewhere on extended-basic cable.

Drunken Thoughts on 'Jumper'

Over the weekend, I went to the movie "Jumper." It stars Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson, Samuel Jackson and -- for five minutes of the film -- Diane Lane.

In the movie, Hayden Christensen has the power to teleport himself anywhere in the world: one moment he's in his bedroom, seconds later he's in Rome. He bounces all over the world, robbing banks and banging chicks. And, for some reason, Samuel Jackson wants to kill him -- not sure why.

Anyway, back to this whole teleporting thing: What's the big deal? I do it all the time. One time I was in my living room watching TV with Girlfriend. We went into the bedroom to have sex, and a few extremely brief moments later I was back in the living room.

And in the blink of an eye, I can go from sitting on a bar stool at my local bar to the floor just below that bar stool. A friend suggested that I make a movie called "Faller." Playing the part of an inebriated me: Mr. Emilio Estevez. I could see it.

Drunken Thoughts on 'Death Sentence'

Last night I watched "Death Sentence." It's a movie about a successful executive, Kevin Bacon, who is married to John Travolta's wife, Kelly Preston, and has two sons. Brendan, the oldest son, is a good looking, popular high school athlete. The younger son, Lucas, is none of those things so, rightfully, is not cared about.

Kevin Bacon and his beloved son, Brendan Bacon, are driving home from a hockey game, discussing Brendan's college options when the car's low gas alert begins to chirp. Apparently when this car says it is low on fuel, it is REALLY low because Kevin Bacon has to immediately pull into the first gas station he sees -- in a very questionable part of town. I usually drive for a couple days on empty.

While Kevin is pumping gas, Brendan goes inside to get himself a slurpy. Meanwhile in the underworld: A ruthless gang enters this same service station so one of its pledges can perform a required initiation murder and gain membership. Since there wasn't a whole lot of potential victims to choose from, Brendan becomes the unlucky target and is killed.

After burying his son, Kevin Bacon has two choices: to let the legal system punish the killer, or take matters into his own hands. Since he is simply a risk assessment manager and far from a tough guy, one would think the choice would be obvious. One would be wrong.

So, armed with garden tools and a brief case that he can swing like a son-of-a-bitch, Kevin sets off to avenge his son's death.

Watching this movie at midnight, I was very entertained, but also drunk. Looking back at it this morning, it was really quite stupid. How did Kevin Bacon so quickly transform from mild-mannered suburbanite to Rambo? There's a scene where he buys an arsenal of guns but has to read the instructions to learn how to use them. Moments later, he's mowing down bad guys like he was the star of "Die Hard" -- not "She's Having A Baby." If he would have mustered up half this determination in "Footloose," he would have had no problems throwing a school dance.

And what kind of gang is this? They get their asses kicked by a "suit." And another thing: they are all white, tattooed skin heads, except for one black guy. How comfortable can he feel in that environment?

This movie was one Kelly Preston nude scene away from being mediocre.

80's coming of age drama, or gay porn movie?

I have friends -- former high school wrestlers -- who love "Vision Quest," the 1985 Matthew Modine movie about a high school wrestler who drops two weight classes in order to challenge the undefeated state wrestling champion. But I've always considered it a little gay, which is how I feel about wrestling in general.

The uniform they wear is called a singlet. Why couldn't they have just called it a "uniform"? No - they had to give it the least-masculine name possible. I originally thought that was what a baby wears, but that's called a onesie.

I'll let you decide: Gay porn?

A Holiday Tradition

I have a strange tradition. Every year, around Christmas time, I watch the movie 'The Family Man'. I watch it alone and I watch it drunk.

I love this movie. Nicholas Cage plays a rich, successful, single guy who works in New York, has a nice apartment and drives a Ferrari. He somehow gets thrown into a less cool life where he lives in Jersey and is married to Tea Leoni with two kids.

But in the end, he magically emerges from this sad domestic, parental life and goes back to his normal kick-ass life. At the end of the movie, it appears he'll still be banging Tea Leoni but, at least for now, has no friggin' kids.

C'mon Lee Majors, You're Better Than This

I've never seen this movie. A country singer, mountain man, sheriff, witch and orphans? What the hell?

What I learned from watching '1408'

1408 synopsis: John Cusack wants to stay in a haunted hotel room. Samuel L. Jackson says no, don't stay in the haunted hotel room. John Cusack doesn't listen and checks into the room. Then the room tries to kill him.



Empty mini-bar: scary!



Whether you're in an evil possessed hotel room or just in an average room at a Holiday Inn, a black light passed over the bed will produce the same horrific results.

Ensemble Cast

When you talk about a movie having a great ensemble cast, what do you think of? "A Few Good Men?" Sure, that had Tom Cruise, Demi Moore, Kevin Bacon and Jack Nicholson, but it's got nothing on "The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine."



Andrew Dice Clay
Wayne Newton
Priscilla Presley
Lauren Holly
Gilbert Gottfried
Robert Englund (Freddy)
Ed O'Neill
Vince Neil
Kurt Loder
Tone Loc

Things haven't gone so well for principals from 80's movies

I recently learned that the principal from "The Breakfast Club" died.

'Breakfast Club' actor Gleason dead at 67

And a few years ago, the principal from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was accused of hiring a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photographs.

Click here for his Florida Sex Offender registration

A gay night

I just finished watching a romantic comedy all by myself. Now I am going to pour a glass of chardonnay and take a bubble bath.

Drunken thoughts on "Cocktail"

What is it about Elisabeth Shue movies that makes me want to drink?

Tonight "Cocktail" was on Starz, Encore or one of those other channels that run up my cable bill, yet rarely offer anything good to watch.

Just like "Leaving Las Vegas," this movie makes me thirsty. Since they're both, in some way, about alcohol, I guess it makes sense. It never bothered me that "Leaving" was about a guy drinking himself to death. It still makes me want to drink.

So here I am: drinking whiskey, watching a pre-insane Tom Cruise pouring drinks.

Hey, there's the World Trade Center. Those were innocent times.

Cruise and the other guy from the movie get drunk and walk around New York, singing the Big Bopper's "Chantilly Lace." Never has booze made me take to the streets, singing songs with my buddies.

Time for another C.C. & Coke.

I remember that Kokomo song was pretty big when I was a school lad.

Oh, oh - Tom just knocked up Elisabeth Shue and her father is not very happy with him. Wonder if Katie Holmes' dad likes this movie.

I think I want to drink myself to death

What is it about movies that negatively portray drinking that makes me WANT to drink?

Last night I watched "Pollock" which is about artist Jackson Pollock and his struggle with alcoholism that led to his death. Even though the movie shows alcohol destroying his life, I still got the urge to drink. So that's what I did.

The same thing happens whenever I watch "Leaving Las Vegas." Nicholas Cage gets drunk and vomits and I feel like having a beer. Since I'm on the subject, what I really like about that movie is a guy can be a disgusting alcoholic, drinking himself to death, and still get a piece of ass like Elisabeth Shue. By the way, I'd also like to see the Vegas hooker who looks like her.

More musician biographies please

Last year we saw the Ray Charles movie. This year we'll get the Johnny Cash movie.

What's next?

Drunken thoughts on "Can't Buy Me Love"

Today was Work-From-Home-Wednesday. I needed the cable company to send someone out to fix my internet, which keeps going down. Today was their earliest availability and I've learned to always make that appointment because the next soonest availability is usually two months down the road.

So I had to stay home today and await the cable guy who was scheduled between 10:00am - 12:00pm. He showed up around 11:55am and, after examining every inch of cable running through my house, determined my problem: way too much internet porn.

After eating leftovers from last night's Chinese food, I spent the rest of the afternoon napping and watching internet porn.

Once my work day ended at 4:00pm, I headed to the bar for a few hours. After I got home, I caught the end of "Can't Buy Me Love." I've seen this movie numerous times. Here are some drunken thoughts I've always had about it:

It's easy to pick out which characters are on the high school baseball team and cheerleader squad because they always wear their uniforms.



Amanda Peterson, who played the female lead, was never in another movie that anyone ever saw.

Chuckie Miller, younger annoying brother of main character, Ronald Miller, was played by now big movie star, Seth Green.