St. Patrick's Day Wrap Up

A little history: St. Patrick was born near the end of the fourth century in Britain. Early in his life he took a liking to green beer and drank it constantly throughout his life.





It's shot time!


Go Kim Go!

Fun with cups

Work From Home Friday

It's 7:00am.
I got Howard Stern on the iPod.
The Dunkin Donuts coffee is hot.
The couch is comfy.

Gotta love work-from-home-Friday!


Work From Home Friday

To kill your wife or not to kill your wife

That is the question.

O.J. Simpson - not guilty
Scott Peterson - guilty
Robert Blake - not guilty

Using those three high-profile cases as a barometer, it seems that 66% of the time, it would a good idea to kill your wife.

If you decide to go this route, here's a few tips that may help you out.

What to do:

Say things that you would never say if you were truly guilty. Robert Blake claims that his wife was shot in his car while he was fetching his gun. Brilliant!

Make sure your wife comes off as a really annoying, manipulative bitch.

If you can afford to assemble a legal dream team of the most expensive, high-powered lawyers in the country, that would probably be a good idea.

Drown her in your swimming pool. Did anyone really ever investigate William Shatner for that?

What not to do:

As police are preparing to arrest you, don't get caught attempting to flee the country with a bunch of cash and your hair died a different color.

Make sure your wife doesn't come off as sweet and adorable. Oh yeah - don't make her pregnant before killing her.

Don't try to hire hitmen to knock off your wife. The prosecution will probably call them as witnesses. Robert Blake did it and he got off, but I just can't see that working out every time.

While police are still investigating your wife's murder, take a little time off from your mistress.

Mmmm...green beer!

Why I use a laptop

No kids for me!!

Laptop computers lower sperm counts and increase infertility risk for men

Drunken thoughts on "Hoosiers"

In Hickory's first game of the season against Oolitic, coach Norman Dale (Gene Hackman) often yells out "four passes," indicating that his team is to not take any shots until they've passed four times. What the hell kind of coaching is that? Are they supposed to ignore an open shot if they haven't passed four times yet? And I'm sure the defense likes knowing they don't have to worry about defending a shot until after the fourth pass.

Some guys have all the luck

All the luck:

O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake

None of the luck:

Scott Peterson

Disney names new CEO, snubs Donald Duck

Walt Disney Co.'s board has named company president Robert Iger to succeed Michael Eisner as chief executive of the film, television and theme park company, effective September 30, 2005.

Although Iger was the frontrunner in the race, not everyone in the organization is happy with the decision.

“This is bull shit,” said Donald Duck. “I’ve been with this company for over 70 years and I’m still in this fucking mid-level position.”

Duck’s profanity-laced tirade near Disneyland's King Arthur Carrousel was overhead by dozens of the park's visitors Sunday.

Duck, who has appeared in over 130 cartoons since joining Disney in 1934, has long wanted to retire from his entertainment duties and take an executive role in the company.

“You know, I understand I ain’t the mouse (Mickey),” said Duck. “But, goddamnit, give me the respect I deserve! Even fucking Goofy has an office!”

Duck was also angered in 1984 when Eisner was appointed CEO but was appeased when Disney offered him full dental and vision coverage.

In a press conference Tuesday, Duck said his relationship with Disney is up in the air, but he did not reveal any specific future plans. It is rumored that nearby SeaWorld is offering Duck a seven-figure, multi-year deal to join their organization.


A lawyer escorts Donald Duck from his Los Angeles office following the press conference

And the Moron Award goes to...

Tipsy driver cited for DWI
By Amy Dalrymple
The Forum - 03/15/2005

An Argusville, N.D., man charged with drunken driving may have tipped off police to his condition.

His license plate reads "TIPSY."

Josiah Richard Johnson, 23, faces two charges of third-degree DWI after a Clay County deputy stopped him about 2 a.m. Friday in Moorhead.

Johnson, who bailed out of the Clay County Jail Monday, said he bought the personalized plate for a Jeep but kept it because he likes to party.

"It doesn t mean I drink and drive," he said. "It just means I have a good time."

That night, however, Johnson was at Coach s Sports Pub in Moorhead and his designated driver didn t stay sober, Johnson said.

Because he had to work in the morning, Johnson said he left the bar and drove toward his friend s Fargo apartment, where he was staying.

Johnson said he thought he was sober enough to drive, but Deputy Mark Empting thought otherwise.

Court records say:

As Johnson drove south on Eighth Street, his Chevy Silverado pickup crossed the center line and later followed a vehicle too closely.

After stopping Johnson, Empting noticed the man s eyes were bloodshot and watery and his speech was slurred.

He had a blood alcohol concentration of 0.20 percent, twice the state s legal limit.

Johnson wonders if the deputy stopped him because of his license plate.

"I kind of felt like I was being harassed," he said.

Empting could not be reached Monday. Lt. Jerome Thorsen said he could not comment on an open case.

Originally, Johnson said he got the personalized plate about 11/2 years ago for his Jeep because it described how the vehicle rode.

When he got a Chevy Silverado pickup, he kept tipsy on his plate as a joke because he likes to have a good time, he said.

Johnson pleaded guilty in Cass County District Court to a misdemeanor charge of driving a snowmobile under the influence on Dec. 26, court records say.

He ll appear in court for the Clay County charges on March 22. Johnson said he will never drink and drive again.

"I feel really stupid," he said. "I wish I never did it."

Why I don't mess with teenagers

Yesterday a teenage girl across the street was apparently angry with her boyfriend.

"Fuck this...fuck that...fuck you!" she yelled into her cell phone from her front yard. Minutes later her boyfriend squealed around the corner in his car. After being yelled at for 20 minutes, he sped off with the stereo blasting.

I'm sure everyone calmed down and all is well again. Or is it...

Something was different about her house this morning; can't quite put my finger on it.

Hey, I know this guy

Rock Critic (from North Dakota) Could Have Role In MÖTLEY CRÜE Flick

People are finally coming around

A very big celebrity has joined me with my anti-marriage views. This is the one of the most well-known, biggest, A-list celebrities in the entire world. Click here.

More ND drinking coverage

N.D. Officials Fighting Binge Drinking

The best part of the story is where someone says the reason ND has a low crime rate is because people are too drunk to fight.

Damn, all the good ideas are taken!

This rabbit is going to die. Read about his story here.



I'm going to give this a try. Unless I raise $1,200 by June 5th, I will kill this person:

Even I've never been this desparate

This guy has obviously never been to North Dakota in the winter.

Man loses finger in quest for girlfriend

Men's biological clock...whatever

I smashed my biological clock years ago.

Men worry about their own biological clocks

The Rape Channel

What the hell is going on with The Lifetime Channel. Here are some of the movies it is showing this weekend:

"Sins of Silence"
1995 drama starring Lindsay Wagner and Holly Marie Combs
A former nun goes to jail to protect a young rape victim.

"Complex of Fear"
1993 suspense starring Hart Bochner and Chelsea Fields
A serial rapist terrorizes condominium residents.

"A Mother's Justice"
1991 drama starring Merdith Baxter and Carrie Hamilton
A mother starts a quest for her daughter's rapist.

"Silencing Mary"
1990 drama starring Melissa Joan Hart and Corin Nemec
A college freshman seeks justice after her roommate's rape.

Karma

This afternoon, while walking to my car in the Home Depot parking lot, I saw a young girl repeatedly jumping over a curb. Unfortunately for her, one time she jumped a little too short and fell. "Stupid kid," I thought, while she cried about her injured knee. Seconds later I fell down in the parking lot. Fucking karma.

Girls like money

More proof that women love money: Rod Stewart, 60, is marrying Penny Lancaster, 33. Click here for story.



Here's a topless photo of her. Check out Rod The Bod. If the pic doesn't come up, click refresh.

Langdon woman murdered, Sleepy Dosmann on the run

Believe it or not, it looks like there was actually a murder in Langdon, ND. Click here for the story.

The body has been identified.

Tara Reid's Boob

Here's an article about Tara Reid suing over a reference to her boob. And here's the picture of her boob.

Billionaires

Forbes released its annual list of billionaires again; and again I'm not on it.

I did however make this list:

World's Poorest People

#1
Kenny (last name unknown), Washington, DC
Age: unknown
Net Worth: $16
Income Source: Begging




#2
Michael Wirth, Mesa, AZ
Age: 30
Net Worth: $1,200
Income Source: Wirthy.com editor and postcard designer




#3
Eric Meyers, Gary, IN
Age: 17
Net Worth: $2,600
Income Source: works at McDonalds

I'll be rich

Wirthy.com, Inc. just increased its net value infinitely with its latest acquisition.

I can not go into details right now but let me just say that if you own a multi-million (billion) dollar company, you should register the domain name (example: www.____logistics.com).

If anyone is interested in buying the domain name I just bought, please e-mail your offer to wirthy@wirthy.com. Serious bidders only.

Teacher-Student Sex Scandals

Lately quite a few teachers have been charged with having sex with their students. I've researched some of the cases and determined what the verdicts should be. Hopefully the courts will agree with me.

By the way, in every case where the accused teacher is male, I believe a guilty verdict should be rendered.

Toni Lynn Woods (article)
My Verdict: Guilty





Pamela Joan Turner (article)
My Verdict: Not Guilty





Adrianne Hockett (article)
My Verdict: Guilty





Margaret De Barraicua (article)
My Verdict: Guilty




Nicole Pomerleau (article)
My Verdict: Guilty





Debra Lafave (article)
My Verdict: Not Guilty





Angela Stellwag (article)
My Verdict: Undecided

Cleanin' the tub

With help from my new Scunci Steamer 900 steam cleaner, my scuzzy shower looks like it's brand new again.




Before


After

What the hell is going on here?

Phil takes it on the 18th. Click here for photo.

Killing cats legally!

Now here's a guy I can throw my support behind! I need to call my congressman and get this on the Arizona law books.

Larry Keeling, can I borrow your pellet gun?

You know what - keep stray kids off my property too.

Wisc. Hunter Wants Open Season for Cats

MADISON, Wis. - Hunter Mark Smith welcomes wild birds on to his property, but if he sees a cat, he thinks the "invasive" animal should be considered fair game. full story

Slum birthday party

How many kid birthday parties have you been to with one of these inflatable things in the backyard? Well, when you're poor and live in the slums (my house is three down), kids have to play in the driveway.


Slum birthday party

Gay iPod

Browsing through some of the songs on my iPod, it is completely possibly that I am gay.

Good Vibrations - Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch

Making Love Out Of Nothing At All and Even The Nights Are Better - Air Supply

Eternal Flame - Bangles

All By Myself - Celine Dion (also have the version by Eric Carmen)

Only Time - Enya

After The Rain and Only Time Will Tell - Nelson

Jesse James - Cher

What's Next? American Idol?

After years of rocking small karaoke venues like Jake's Corner and Chuys, it was time to take my act to the next level - that karaoke bar inside Graham Central Station.

With a back-up band made up of big-boobed blondes and homosexual men, my rendition of Poison's "You're Momma Don't Dance" brought the crowd to its feet, except for Jackie Dosmann who, at the time, was having trouble standing.

Click on photos to enlarge.

To Protect and Serve

It was bound to happen eventually: I've lived in my current home for nearly three years without a visit from the police. That's three years of teenage prostitution, harboring fugitives, drug trafficking, illegal mercy killings and insider trading.

After all that, Mesa's finest pays a visit just because there was a half dozen or so people talking at the top of their lungs at 2:00am. We had to talk loud because all my TVs were turned up all the way, for some reason.

No charges were filed and I hope that I am still in good status with the Homestead I Home Owners Association.

Newsweek uses fake Martha photo

In a move that has raised questions of professional integrity, Newsweek magazine has combined an image of Martha Stewart's head and a model's body on its latest cover.

Click here for full story.

As publisher of Wirthy.com, I am appalled that Newsweek would compromise its journalistic standards and attempt to fool readers by using a doctored photograph.

Crippled Guy of the Year

Why don't I think of doing stuff like this? I'm constantly discriminated against at work: Do you know how hard it is for a crippled guy, like me, to be at work by 7:00am and sit at a desk for eight hours, four days a week?

Jury Awards $7.5 Million in Wal-Mart Case
Thu Feb 24, 9:29 PM ET (article link)

NEW YORK - A federal jury has ordered Wal-Mart Stores to pay a Long Island man $7.5 million after ruling the retail behemoth discriminated against the man because he has cerebral palsy.

Patrick Brady, 21, was hired for a job in the Wal-Mart pharmacy department in Centereach, N.Y., during the summer of 2002. After one day in the pharmacy, he was reassigned to other responsibilities, including collecting garbage and shopping carts from the parking lot.

The jury in U.S. District Court in Central Islip deliberated one day before ruling on Wednesday that Brady was discriminated against when he was transferred. It also found that Brady was asked impermissible pre-employment questions about his disability, said his lawyer, Douglas H. Wigdor.

Brady, who now works in a Centereach supermarket bagging groceries, said in a statement that he was "very happy the jury believed in me."

The jury award includes $5 million in punitive damages, which Wigdor said was likely to be reduced to $600,000 since federal law limits the amount that can be awarded for punitive damages. The jury also awarded Mr. Brady $2.5 million in compensatory damages, Wigdor said.

Christi Gallagher, a spokesman for the Bentonville, Ark.-based Wal-Mart, said in a statement that the company would appeal.

"We appreciate the service of the jurors but disagree with their decision," Gallagher said. "We feel very strongly that Mr. Brady did not suffer discrimination in our store."

Dagwoods

In my drunken Wednesday night web surfing, I came across a lot of porn. But after that, I stumbled upon a recent article about Dagwoods - the Grand Forks, ND bar that I spent nearly all my time and nearly all my dad's money at while attaining my, now worthless, college degree.

If any of you readers ever spent any time in Grand Forks, maybe you know the place...remember Kauker? How about porn Tuesdays?

Before Chuy's there was Dagwoods.

THE EATBEAT: Dagwoods: 14 years smoke-free and still going strong

By Marilyn Hagerty
Herald Staff Writer
Grandforks.com

Everyone, including his wife, thought Mike Delohery had gone off the deep end when he opened a smoke-free bar in Grand Forks 14 years ago.

When he started Dagwoods on Columbia Road, Delohery figured being near the hospital would attract a clientele that would appreciate a nonsmoking lounge. Besides, he was sick and tired of smoke. He had lived with it growing up. He had lived with it when he was associated with the Ramada, the Elks and the Grand Forks Country Club.

Few people would have thought in 1991 that customers would be looking for smoke-free restaurants and bars the way they are now. Dagwoods paved the way as a smoke-free lounge and has prospered without smoke and with more food choices than are available in most lounges. In fact, the menu in the location now on 42nd Street has more than 100 items.

When three of us went there recently during the happy hour, we found chips, salsa sauce, bean dip, chili con queso and peppers at the free nacho bar. I was with Jamey and Katie David (JD) and (KD), and we looked over the menu, which is a colorful, easy-to-read laminated piece. There are salads, croissants, burgers, chicken, specialty sandwiches as well as ice cream desserts. Although I have never eaten it, I have heard the pizza is good.

The menu has some items that consistently are good. One of them is the chicken salad sandwich served with chips and a pickle spear ($6.25). Another is the mud pie ($4.25).

Our waitress, Sara, was more than patient as we asked questions and dawdled around before ordering. We shared an order of butter-breaded mushrooms ($6.50) that disappeared in short order. At length, JD ordered a chicken pepperoni sandwich served with fries and pickle spear ($7.50). KD ordered the Bumstead Sub ($7.25), which came with ham, turkey, roast beef, bacon, Swiss and cheddar cheese, tomato, onion, pickles, sprouts, mustard and mayo on a sour dough bun ($7.25). That hummer had everything on it but the kitchen sink, and KD ended up taking most of it home. My choice was a buffalo chicken salad with greens, cheeses, olives, tomatoes, all topped with deep-fried chicken strips in a hot wing sauce ($7.50). It had a pleasingly hot personality, but we agreed KD had made the best choice.

The music was loud. The place was rather quiet not nearly as lively as it gets later on in the evening and weekends. The place is alive with neon beer signs, and we noticed lots of blow-up sports figures in the rafters. Dagwoods has a relaxing ambience with booths, tables and stools at high serving tables. There are screens for viewing sports all over the place.

Dagwoods moved after the flood to its present location near the campus. It was, for a while, rather isolated. Now, it is in the center of an area where there will be shops and other businesses springing up. It sits halfway between Ralph Engelstad Arena and the Alerus Center. In other words, it is well located.

Delohery has worked hard to establish a niche in the area. He finds the going is challenging for a locally owned business to compete with franchise places that have the benefit of national advertising. He does some catering for small groups. And he does 40 percent of his business in food. Most pubs do about 20 percent food. But in these times, people like to eat. Delohery is thinking of adding pastas and beef tips. He finds people around here like their meat and potatoes as well as big half-pound burgers.

After the Flood of 1997, Delohery decided he couldn't make it paying rent. So, he made arrangements to buy his own building when he moved to 42nd Street in 2000. He has built up an athletic clientele and young people who enjoy the patio and volleyball court in good weather. Among his waitstaff are former Sioux basketball players and television reporters. The 30 part-time employees also include his own family members. They are son Chris, a student at Northland Community College; daughter Katie, who attends University of Minnesota-Crookston, and son Casey, a UND student.

Dagwoods Bar and Grill

425 N. 42nd St.

Owner: Michael "Mike" Delohery.

Hours: 11 a.m. to 1 a.m. weekdays and Saturday; noon to midnight Sunday.

Seating capacity: 165.

Pay: Major credit cards accepted.

Telephone: (701) 772-8044.

Report card: Menu goes beyond most in a pub setting; servers are friendly; prices are upper midrange. Nonsmoking facility.

Got my money's worth

I've definitely got my money's worth out of the few Scott head shots I have.

Yahoo Turns 10

Today is Yahoo's 10th birthday. Click here to view what the site looked like in 1995.

I wish I would have thought to save what Wirthy.com looked like in its first incarnation. Unfortunately, the best I can come up with is how it looked earlier this morning. Enjoy this little nostalgia trip.


Wirthy.com home page - March 2, 2005

Poor Martha

Martha Stewart gets out of jail on Friday. She still has to spend five months in home detention, wearing an ankle bracelet and reporting to a parole officer.

She selected her 153-acre Bedford, N.Y. estate north of Manhattan for her confinement, although she will be allowed to leave the grounds for up to 48 hours a week for work.

Wow, that's punishment! She's allowed to leave her home for up to 48 hours a week for work? Basically that's my life: I go to work for 40 hours (ok...30) a week and spend the rest of my time stuck at home. The only difference is that my home is measured in square inches, not acres.