Pimp My Ride

You ever watch MTV's "Pimp My Ride?"

Every show is exactly the same:

A struggling, young man or woman asks MTV to fix up their car. Used-to-be-rapper Xzibit shows up at their house. The men give him a chest bump or pick him up. The women proceed to rape and molest him. Then they show their vehicle to Xzibit, who goes through the car, pointing out that it's a piece of shit.

Xzibit then drives the dilapidated vehicle to West Coast Customs. When he pulls up, the West Coast staff runs around, screaming in shock over the vehicle's condition. This has to be stock footage, because it is exactly the same every time.

The team of painters, sound technicians and body guys then goes to work, filling these $200 shit-mobiles with thousands of dollars of stereos, video screens, wheels, video games, aquariums, hair dryers and other ridiculous crap.

They must think that these kids live in their cars. One girl said she was into yoga so they convert the back of her jeep into a yoga studio. Another guy likes to bowl so he gets a bowling ball polisher in his trunk. WTF? I like to drink - could I get a beer tap in my dashboard? (actually, hmm....)

Also these people usually live in bad neighborhoods. I wonder how long it takes a 20-inch plasma TV mounted in the back of a Ford pickup to get ripped off.

Pool table in back of pickup
For all those times you want to hustle someone in a Wal-Mart parking lot.




Video monitors by the wheels
So you can watch movies while passed out on the street.




Aquarium
How long are these fish really going to live?




Automatic energy drink dispenser (no photo)
A spring loaded tube dispenses cans of energy drink. There's nothing more refreshing on a summer day than getting into your hot car and drinking some warm Red Bull.



Bowling ball return
WTF?





Hot tub in back of van
Slam on the brakes - instant mess.

House arrest

A lack of energy, ambition and money confined me to my Arizona estate this weekend.

With the exception of a few hours Friday night, I did not leave my 8,000 square inch property at all.

Now I know what Martha Stewart feels like.

Where are the celebrities?

I thought there are supposed to be celebrities on "The Surreal Life."

Ok, you got Balki from "Perfect Strangers" and Jose Canseco, but who the hell are these other people?

There's nothing on

I get hundreds of channels, including nearly every movie channel known to man, and I can't find a damn thing to watch.

To further support my claim that Lifetime is "the rape channel," it is currently showing "Outrage in Glen Ridge" - a group of well-known high school athletes in Glen Ridge, New Jersey were accused of the gang rape of a mentally retarded teen girl.

Employee discounts

Here are some employee discounts I read about in this article.

Starbucks - Each employee who works 20 or more hours a week gets one free pound of coffee per week.

Anheuser-Busch - Adult employees receive two free cases of beer each month. This benefit is better than health insurance!

General Electric - Employees receive an average of a 20 percent discount on its appliances such as air conditioners, washers, dryers or refrigerators.

Google - Employees are given a free lunch every day.

Blockbuster - Free video and games rentals.

Wal-Mart - Associates receive 10 percent off selected merchandise; SAM's Club associates receive a free membership card.

Drunken thoughts on the Live 8 Concert

I somehow got up by 10:00am today, turned on the TV and began watching VH1's coverage of the Live 8 concert. In case you don't know, Live 8 is a concert aimed at raising awareness of poverty in Africa or Alabama or something.

When I turned it on, Will Smith was on stage. He even had DJ Jazzy Jeff with him. It's nice of the Fresh Prince to throw that guy a bone once in a while.

Crap, Dave Matthews is on. I never understood how a middle-aged, bald guy, singing folk songs ever became so popular. His entire band, except for the bass player, is black. How did he find so many black people who wanted to play that kind of music?

While Dave drags on with his third song, I decided to research who performed at 1985's original Live Aid concert. There's a few performers I doubt were invited to play this year: Billy Ocean, REO Speedwagon, Freddie Mercury, Patti LaBelle, Hall & Oates. Actually I'm hoping Hall & Oates show up.

The next performers: Orchestra Baobab? What the hell is this? I think I accidentally pushed the button on my TV that changes the language because I don't understand a word they're singing. Oh well, at least they're better than Dave Matthews.

Bob Geldof is showing a video of poor starving African children, set to a Cars song. Very disturbing, but still more entertaining than Dave Matthews.

Madonna just kissed an African woman on the lips, just like she kissed Britney Spears.

Breaking news: Hall & Oates just showed up but security hauled them away.

Velvet Revolver's Scott Weiland is looking a little gay these days. I'm starting to see some Rob Halford/Judas Priest similarities.

Did Pink Floyd ever make a song under 10 minutes?

Stevie Wonder came out dressed in, what looks like, a night gown made out of a table cloth. It must suck being blind; you'd have no idea what you're wearing.


It's kind of ironic that I'm sitting here watching a concert to end poverty, while I'm flat broke.

The last performer on VH1's coverage is Paul McCartney. If you add up the ages of all the members of his band, you'd get an age that still would be 20 years younger than McCartney.

Paul brought George Michael on stage to sing with him. He must have got the idea to sing with a gay guy after learning that Stevie Wonder brought up Rob Thomas.

See all Live 8 performances here.

Damn you, Bob Newhart!

Last month I stumbled upon the series finale of "Newhart" and recorded it on my DVR. Remember that show from the 80's? "I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl."

I recall watching this show as a kid. The final episode was regarded as a classic finale because Bob Newhart supposedly dreamt the entire series and woke up from his dream in bed with Suzanne Pleshette - his wife from his 70's show - "The Bob Newhart Show."

Anyway, every time I try to watch this final episode, I pass out before it's over. I've tried to watch it three times with the same result. Now it's stuck on my DVR for at least another day.

Perhaps I should try watching it without getting drunk first. But that doesn't seem like a good idea either.

Damn you, Bob Newhart!

Tonight I did watch the movie "Coach Carter." For you black people out there, this is basically your version of "Hoosiers."

The Japanese art of T-shirt folding

Ever wish you could quickly and neatly fold a T-shirt? I didn't think so.

Instructions

Gay movie day

Yesterday I watched "The Notebook," which is the epitome of a chick-flick. Ryan Gosling and James Garner play the main character, Noah Calhoun. Garner plays an elderly Calhoun, telling the story of his life. In the story, Gosling plays the young Calhoun.

The saddest part of the movie is that a guy that looks like Ryan Gosling grows up to look like James Garner. Shit, what the hell am I going to end up looking like then?


Another sad reality is what James Garner looks like these days.


I also watched "In Good Company," which is a slightly less gay movie. You ever notice, in movies, how much time people have in the morning, before going to work? Dennis Quaid's character eats breakfast, drinks coffee and watches the news on TV. My alarm goes off at 5:45am and I barely have enough time to shower, get dressed and brush some of my teeth.

Yeah!!! Independence!!!

Happy Independence Day America!

Hundreds of years ago the 13 colonies (which were somewhere out east, probably around Detroit) declared their independence from England (or maybe it was Canada).

John Hancock (President of the Colonies) signed the colonies' Declaration of Independence in 1776, coincidentally on the same day that we celebrate the 4th of July.

So today I will celebrate our country's freedom like millions of other Americans: by getting drunk and trying to light stuff on fire.

Gone for weekend

I'm off to spend the weekend drinking in the mountains. I will return Monday to celebrate our nation's independence.

It's the NBA on NBC!

I miss this theme song.

More 80's sports theme songs can be found here.

Other cool stuff found at http://www.80stvthemes.com/

• NBC Thursday (1982, video) It's the series premiere of 'Cheers,' along with 'Taxi,' 'Fame,' and 'Hill Street Blues.'

• The Fall Guy My all-time favorite.

• And for my friend, Mindi, a site dedicated to Tab cola.

Neverland Ranch Map

Check out the map of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch on this page.

If I was a nine year old boy, I'd grab Michael and head to Lounge/Club KISS (#21 on map) for some Jesus juice, before relaxing with the King of Pop at the Massage Therapy Center (#47).

I prefer advice from the "Family Ties" kids

Want Mike Seaver from "Growing Pains" to tell you you're going to hell? Click here

I thought MTV was a gay channel

MTV launches new gay cable TV channel

White guy goes #1 in NBA Draft

The Milwaukee Bucks took Andrew Bogut with the first pick in this year's NBA Draft. He's the first white guy to go #1 since 1977 when the Bucks drafted some guy named Kent Benson.

Just three years earlier another white guy, Bill Walton, was drafted #1.

If Bogut follows in his predecessors' footsteps, he'll either have a disappointing NBA career and fade into obscurity, or have an average NBA career and go onto become an annoying sports broadcaster.

What you need, when you need it

For some reason, I found myself thinking about Kobe Bryant's rape case this afternoon.

I knew that his accuser's identity had become publicly known so I started looking around. Apparently her name is Kate Faber.

She clearly doesn't own the site www.katefaber.com but I thought the slogan under the web site name was rather humorous.

Rich guy dies

Wal-Mart Heir John Walton Dies in Crash

If I had billions of dollars, I wouldn't be flying homemade experimental aircrafts. I wouldn't do anything dangerous. I'd take every precaution to safeguard my extremely fortunate life.

First Tigger, now Piglet!

Eeyore must be shitting his pants right about now.

Voices behind Tigger, Piglet die

Time - it's a son of a bitch

After watching this hilarious video a dozen times, I did a little research on Loverboy.


Loverboy then


Loverboy now

One of these is not an original Loverboy because in 2000 their bass player, Scott Smith, fell off his boat and drowned.

People who died this week

Lane Smith
Who the hell is Lane Smith? Well, he was in the Pauly Shore movie "Son In Law." He was also in "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and "My Cousin Vinny."

Karl Mueller
Who the hell is he? He was the bass player for the band Soul Asylum. Remember, they had that song "Runaway Train?"

Work-from-recliner-Friday returns!

In case any of you were worried after last week's post about the end of Work-from-recliner-Fridays, you can breathe a sigh of relief.

The coworker who took the laptop got fired, so I'm working in comfort today.

Low pay? What low pay?

Teachers paid an average salary of $46,752, survey finds

That is about $4,000 more than I make and I'm working right now (granted, from home - but still working), while my teacher friends are on summer vacation.

The Robert Horry Movie

Robert Horry is, by no means, the biggest NBA star.

If someone was going to make a movie about a basketball player, there would be lots of better choices: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, etc.

However, the Robert Horry movie must be made! God didn't create Will Smith in Robert Horry's likeness for no reason.

Signs that I had a good weekend

Saturday morning I woke up wearing Friday's clothes.

There are multiple charges on my credit card, although I don't recall using it.

Most of Sunday, my arm was covered in blood, and I didn't care.

Despite brushing my teeth many times, the taste of cigars and alcohol still lingers.

Yesterday I drank at seven different bars, and the first and last one are over 200 miles apart.

Speaking of weekends, check this out.

Work-From-The-Bedroom-Friday

Work-From-Home-Friday isn't as great as it used to be.

I am, once again, confined to the computer in my bedroom, because my boss needed his laptop back at the office.

So today there will be no working from the patio or working from the recliner.

I guess I'll be laptop shopping soon.

Why won't Jesus visit my bathroom?

Jesus Christ Image Icon Materializes in Plaster Wall

All the good band names are taken

Why did anyone name their band Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Guns 'N Roses, Eagles or anything else, when this name was still available at the time.

Last night's karaoke set list

"It's My Life" - Bon Jovi
"Round and Round" - RATT

Intermission (beer, beer, vodka-Red Bull, beer, vodka-Red Bull)

"The Unknown Stuntman (theme to 'Fall Guy') - Lee Majors
"Because I Got High" - Afroman

Encore:

"Piano Man" - Billy Joel

California prosecutors ruin everyone's fun

First OJ can't kill people anymore, and now this.

Jackson Won't Share Bed With Kids Again

Retire from what?

Paris Hilton to retire in 2 years

Clearly, she's no Mother Of The Year

Mother Explains Fatal Pit Bull Mauling

My favorite quotes in the article are:

"It's Nicky's time to go." and "When you're born you're destined to go and this was his time."

It is with a heavy (and drunken) heart...

...that I watch my first episode of "MacGyver" after learning of Dana Elcar's (MacGyver's Pete Thornton) death.

This specific episode, "A Prisoner of Conscience," featured Tim Rossovich as "Political Prisoner." He, at some time, played for the Philadelphia Eagles, San Diego Chargers and Houston Oilers. In his stellar acting career, he appeared on "MacGyver" three times.

NFL Hall of Fame member Dick Butkus was also in three "MacGyver" episodes.

Obviously the fine acting was the reason behind this show's success.

Another thing I realized, while getting drunk alone, is that I enjoy $8 champagne as much as I do $4 champagne.

Goodbye, Pete

'MacGyver' actor dies at 77

Drunken thoughts on the MTV Movie Awards

(Thursday night)

First drunken thought: I can't believe I am really watching the MTV Movie Awards.

Nicole Richie and Fat Joe are conducting the red carpet interviews. I can't understand a single word Fat Joe says. They should have subtitles, so people from the Midwest can follow along.



What's with Jessica Simpson 's black eyes? Hopefully they're from a Nick Lachey beating.



Best On-Screen Team: "Mean Girls'" Lindsay Lohan and three girls nobody has ever heard of.



Commercial break - Spurs up by 11 over the Pistons.

Eminem is performing a song about his daughter, while video of her plays behind him. I liked it a lot more when he rapped about killing her mother. It appears he needs to pee, because he keeps grabbing himself.

Spurs won.

The award for Best Breakthrough Male Performance went to the kid from "Napoleon Dynamite." Hey, he looks like Beck! Why do I think we'll never see this guy again, except for maybe in Napoleon Dynamite II?



Dustin Hoffman just won Best Comedic Performance for his role in "Meet The Fockers." He has to be the oldest person in the building. He's grabbing his crotch and running around the stage. How sad. I wonder where this award will be 24 hours from now. Proudly displayed next to his Oscars, or in a dumpster outside the MTV Movie Awards?

Mariah Carey is performing her new song and it is supposedly #1 in the country. What the hell - is it 1991 again?

Best Frightened Performance goes to Dakota Fanning for "Hide and Seek." She also won for Worst Teeth for a Six Year Old.



Hugest Boobs from an Audience Member went to Jennifer Tilly. I presented this award myself; it was not an official MTV award.

Ok, here is the "Breakfast Club" reunion. I heard about this a little while ago. The only ones who showed were Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall, Molly Ringwald and the guy who played the teacher. Hmm...maybe Molly Ringwald is the oldest person here, not Dustin Hoffman. Ally Sheedy looks pretty hot. She didn't talk at all - instead just stood in the back, waving her arms in the air like a maniac. Judd Nelson was at the show but didn't join the cast on stage. Maybe he'll show up for the "Suddenly Susan" reunion in a few years.





How come host Jimmy Fallon never tucks his shirt in?

Katie Holmes presented the first ever MTV Generation award to Tom Cruise. They show a montage of his movies: explosion...race car...You complete me (What ever happened to that kid from "Jerry Maguire?")...explosion...I want the truth...I feel the need, the need for speed...explosion...shoot gun...car chase...flying jet...Show me the money...explosion...Kmart sucks...sex in train...car chase...explosion...

Hey, Katie Holmes brought her dad out. Oh wait, that's Tom Cruise.



Just to ensure that the MTV Movie Awards has absolutely no credibility, Hillary Swank got beat by Lindsay Lohan for Best Female Performance. So Hillary managed to win the Oscar for Best Actress but couldn't score an MTV Award. In her acceptance speech, Lindsay thanks her family and specifically mentions her mom but not her dad. Wonder why.

Do these MTV kids know that the Foo Fighters are 50 years old?



Tom Cruise carries out Dakota Fanning to present the Best Movie award. They'll be dating in ten years.



And the winner is...suspense building...Dakota opens the envelope but isn't old enough to read.

The best movie is "Napoleon Dynamite." A bunch of guys who look like they've never been laid come up to accept.

I'm going to bed and will try to forget that I just wasted three hours of my life.

(All pictures were taken from MTV.com, without permission.)

I guess I could make an exception

I've always said that I do not want kids, but maybe in this case I could make an exception.

Jen, give me a call!

Does Jennifer Aniston want a revenge baby?

Vacation over

My vacation was over last week, but I haven't posted anything lately. I had to spend the last few days waning myself off the 25 drinks/day I had become accustomed to and getting back to a more comfortable 14 drinks/day.

I only have a few photos: one of the houseboat, one of me hungover and one of me without a shirt (nobody really needed to see that).

Vacation

I've gone houseboatin'. Be back on Friday.

Don't you be clicking on all the ads on this site, while I'm gone.


Vintage photo

Drunken thoughts on peoples' thoughts about Steve Nash

"For a guy that size, ok, to change a team around, to make them jump like that, is a magnificent feat." -- Nate "Tiny" Archibald

A lot of people this season have made similar comments: how much of an impact Steve Nash has had this year, despite being so small.

I think what they really want to say is "despite being so white."

This has gotta stop!

Can't the TV industry just agree that this show should signal the end of reality television?

People search for the damnedest things

A week or so ago, I reported that a lot of people come across my site by searching for Alyssa Milano naked.

Apparently a lot of people out there are searching for chicks with dicks too.

I wonder if there is anyone who is interested in both Alyssa Milano naked and chicks with dicks. Probably not.

'Breakfast Club' to reunite

'Breakfast Club' Cast to Reunite on MTV

Somehow MTV got Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall and Judd Nelson to agree to this. At this point, if I were to pay their air fare, I could probably get these people to appear in my living room.

Emilio Estevez isn't confirmed because he probably thinks he's too big. Since 2000, he's been in one movie that nobody saw and probably is waiting for someone to make "Mighty Ducks 4" or "Young Guns III."

Please God, Please!!!

Live Aid hoping for Spice Girls return

Oh how the mighty fall

It's Wednesday night and I'm drunk, looking up TV shows from my youth on the internet.

Somehow, I remember a show called "Street Hawk" which aired only 13 episodes in 1985. Actually I can remember really loving this show (keep in mind, I was only 11).

It starred a guy named Rex Smith who enjoyed a stint as a teen idol in the late 70's with a top-10 single, "You Take My Breath Away" and was in a decent number of TV shows in the 80's and 90's.

Anyway, now he's a realtor.

American Idol

I just found out, from the internet, who is the new American Idol.

I also learned that tonight is the season finale and I didn't watch a single episode.

In related news, this is the fourth season of the show, and I've missed all four.

What the hell have I been doing all the nights American Idol has been on? Going out, drinking and, in general, not being totally gay.

Detective Shaq?

Somehow I think this is going to make things easier for sex predators

Shaq helps task force track Internet sex predators

I might have a problem

I think the advertising on this site is trying to tell me something.

I used Google's AdSense advertising program to generate income from this site. Apparently Google scans each site for content and then places appropriate ads, based on that content.

As I write this post, here are the ads that appear on this site:

drugrehabcenter.com - A reality based, holistic addiction treatment program.

abettertomorrow.com - Affordable and successful rehab. The future or recovery is here.

thewathershed.com - Alcohol and drug treatment. Free online assessment & referrals We can help you achieve recovery!

Be-Health-Smart.com - Learn the truth about alcohol. Get our free online guide.

I'm sensing a pattern here.

Fallen Soldier

A little about me

Now that a lot more people (six or seven) than just my friends read this site, I thought I'd write a little about myself.

I was born in 1974 with cerebral palsy. 30 years ago, doctors did not have the medical knowledge of this disability that they have now.

After my birth, the doctors approached my parents with a new, controversial treatment plan. They believed alcohol, administered constantly and often, could decrease the effects of the cerebral palsy. There would, however, be one side effect: I would surely become dependent upon alcohol.

After a few days of contemplation, Mom and Dad decided to follow the doctors' suggestions.

So, how did everything turn out?

Well, I'm still crippled and I can't stop drinking.

Iraqi Family Starts New Life in North Dakota

First this poor woman's husband is shot and killed and then American troops send her and her family to North Dakota. Could it get any worse for her?

As a former Dakotan, here's some advice: buy a coat, 'cause it's gonnat get f'ing cold!

Full story

If it's not too much to ask...

Could a couple thousand of you buy this shirt?

A little eye candy for the ladies

British tabloid publishes photos of detained Saddam

I'm going to hell

I just took this test and found out I'm going to hell. That's OK. All my friends will be there.

People really want Alyssa Milano naked

The Visitor Counter on the right side of my homepage shows me how people find my site.

At least once a day, someone stumbles upon it by searching for Alyssa Milano naked on Google, Yahoo or other search engines.

By the way, if you want to see Alyssa Milano naked, click here.

Plant that curbs binge drinking

Study: Kudzu helps curb binge drinking

I doubt this would reduce my drinking. The researcher speculated that kudzu increases blood alcohol levels and speeds up its effects, meaning that a person needs fewer beers to feel drunk. For me, however, feeling drunk has never stopped me from drinking more.

The article says that other scientists found the herb to be effective in reducing alcohol intake on rats. In general, I assume being a laboratory rat isn't that great. But if you are one, these are the kind of studies you live for.

I can only think of one possible benefit this plant would have for me. If I gave it to my date, I could get her to that "putting out" level with buying fewer drinks.

Dear phone book company:

Please quit leaving new phone books on my driveway.

Because I have the internet, electricity and the ability to type, I no longer have the need for a 4-inch thick, 5 pound book.

For the past few years, these books have gone straight from my driveway to my garbage dumpster. I don't even bother to recycle them. So, I would appreciate your prompt attention to this matter.

Who's gay now?

A friend of mine called me gay for including my girlfriend in a list of things I love (3 or 4 entries below).

Well Friday night, this friend went to see the Ashton Kutcher/Amanda Peet movie "A Lot Like Love," which is described as a romantic comedy about destiny, connection and the frequently fuzzy line between chance friendships and happily ever after.

He's calling me gay?!

This is minutes of fun

Click here for the virtual stripper.

Type what you want her to do.

She does the obvious stuff like "strip" and "dance" but won't do things like "die," "break arm," or "snort coke."

Try typing "eat" and "money,"

Drunken Dream

Last night, after numerous Miller Lites and a couple vodka-Red Bulls, I had a dream that I worked for the A&E channel.

Harry Smith, host of "Biography," died unexpectedly and I approached the network's executives with the idea of featuring him on an episode of "Biography."

I was fired.

Then I got up to pee.

It takes two?

I love going on MTV.com's You Tell Us page to read what stupid kids think of current affairs.

This week, Cara, 20, is appalled by the accusations made by former American Idol contestant, Corey Clark, that he and Paula Abdul had a sexual relationship.

"If Paula Abdul had any kind of relationship with him, keep in mind that it takes two people to have sex. "

Silly, Cara - If it takes two people to have sex, then what is it that I've been doing by myself, five times a week, for the past 15 years?

Things I love

Girlfriend and beer (not necessarily in that order).

Go booze go!

First they said that drinking can reduce a person's chance of heart disease, and now drinking can help protect kidneys.

I'm glad to see booze starting to get some good press. I have survived on it, alone, for ten years.

I might be pregnant

I frequently experience #4, #5 and #6.

10 Signs That You Might Be Pregnant

Bad Son

I am a bad, cheap son.

Earlier this week, I was ordering Mother's Day flowers for my mom on Proflowers.com. The flowers were $29.99 and came with a free vase. Sounded good to me. But when I got to the Confirm Order screen, I noticed a $9.99 shipping fee. I closed down the window and put my credit card away.

Mom will just be getting a phone call this year.

Goldie Hawn is the perfect woman

Goldie Hawn says it's fine to cheat

I'm surprised they don't get this day off

Believe it or not, today is National Teacher Day - a day for honoring teachers and recognizing the lasting contributions they make to our lives.

I will be honoring teachers by only working till 3:00pm today.

Internet mogul

Not to brag - but the ads on this site have, in just a couple of months, generated enough money to buy two beers, at most bars, at happy hour prices.

This guy is playing it all wrong

Jilted Georgia groom stands by his bride

If a woman, somehow, persuaded me to get married but disappeared without a trace four days before the wedding, here is what I'd do:

Nothing.

I would not investigate. I would not alert the authorities. I would just count my blessings and move on with my life.

Common Sense

You shouldn't bike 2,000 miles after heart surgery. That seems obvious to me.

Heart patient dies after 2,400-mile ride