Finally my way of life is catching on

Marriage loses its edge

Next we'll be seeing headlines like:

"Most people binge drink, alone on the couch"
"Majority of Americans have gone decades without sex"
"Magnum P.I. reruns score big in ratings"
"Average penis size just under 2 inches"

Funny Picture, Not-So-Funny Story

Click picture for story

I will die before I run out of toothpicks

In my cupboard I have a box of 1,500 toothpicks. I think I bought these a year or so ago and am sure there are at least 1,495 toothpicks remaining.

When I die in a few years or so, someone will eventually find in my house my rotted corpse, a case of unused condoms, a few dozen get-in-free cards to local gentlemen clubs, and 1,390 toothpicks.

Bye Bye Girlfriend

Girlfriend is gone for 11 days. Tomorrow morning she is leaving on a family vacation.

Since no other girl ever shows even the slightest interest in me, girlfriend really has nothing to worry about. I'll probably just spend every night drinking alone...aaaahhh, sounds good to me.

There may be a God

All my life I've prayed to God for only three things: (1) A larger bladder-I am usually at a one-piss-per-beer ratio; (2) An NBA Championship for Charles Barkley; and (3) Egg McMuffins all day long.

McDonald's May Offer Breakfast Menu All Day Long

Thanks God! I have to take a leak now

Exclusive photo from Steve Irwin's funeral

Where are the toons now?

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite cartoon characters? Click here

I would sooooo bang Rudy Huxtable now

But I would have banged her then too. I'm sick like that.

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Because of a speeding ticket, I spent the last two nights in Defensive Driving class.

It had been many years since I've gone to this class, but a couple things are still the same: There were still a few assholes who insist on asking dozens of questions and slowing down the class. And the instructor still teases you with the chance of getting out early, only to let you leave a whopping five minutes early.

Anyway, here's some shit I learned:

• The mirrors on your door and on the inside of your windshield: If aimed properly, you can see what's going on behind you.
  
  
• If you hit a kid in a crosswalk, before the cops arrive, try to move the body just outside the crosswalk; the penalty is surprisingly lower.
  
  
• When stuck in a classroom in a strip mall for eight hours, girls who normally are 6's begin to look like 10's.
  
  
• The penalties for DUI are now so steep that you are better off trying to get away in a high speed chase.
  
  
• When an officer asks if you know why he pulled you over, respond: "Do you know who I am?" Then pretend you're someone really important.
  
  
• If you hit and kill a road worker in a posted construction zone, you will be prosecuted as if you killed two road workers.
  
  
• Most rules of the road can be ignored, if you have your hazard lights flashing.
  
  
• Drinking while you drive is illegal, even if you're only drinking beer. Amazing.
  
  
• If you are excessively speeding in a white Lamborghini and cops are chasing you, have some guys hose the white paint off, revealing that your Lamborghini is actually red. This will confuse the officers.
  
  
• The best defensive driving is good offensive driving.

What do you do...

...when you are a 23 year old, soon-to-be-starting quarterback in the NFL who just signed a megamillion dollar contract?

You get your ex-girlfriend knocked up a month ago. Get ready for that $20,000/month child support, dumb ass!

Tonight on Pay Per View

So many choices:

Uptown Hookers 6

Ghetto Girlz 3

All Aboard Alexis

Barbaric Bangers 3

Oriental Pleasure 4

Bulgarian Minxes 4

Wirthy.com resurrected

Damn kids these days have it easy

Dinky Pluto loses its status as planet

When I was a young school lad, I had to memorize the names of nine planets. There was Earth, Mercury, Mars, um, uh, mmm, and six others. Now these fucking brats only have to know eight planets.

The ups and downs of life

I've lost nearly all my regular readers. Down from a once mighty 212 visitors per day, I now average only 50.

Nothing sucks all the creativity out of a person like a full-time job. I now spend all my time working on my company's web site and no time on this site. And I get in trouble if I even put one picture of a drunken Lego guy on my company's site.

When I do have a single bit of free time, I'm either trying to balance my drunk ass on a bar stool or spending quality time with the girlfriend watching shit like this.

So, life's kind of been a rollercoaster lately. Lots of highs and lots of lows:

I turned 32 a couple of days ago. Another year older (low).

Another year closer to death (high).

I got my first speeding ticket in nearly 10 years (low).

I got 1 1/2 jobs (low).

I get 1 1/2 paychecks (high).

My 1 1/2 paychecks don't add up to most people's single paycheck (low).

Last night on "Happy Days," Fonzie injured himself in a motorcycle accident (low).

The morning after pill was OK'd for over-the-counter sales (high).

I splurged on an insanely expensive ($19.99) bottle of vodka (high).

Girlfriend drank all my $20 vodka (low).

I don't even remember how to do this

It's been a month since I've been here. What the hell has happened to me? I went from having 22 hours of free time a day to having two jobs and barely enough time to have two beers and a quick glance at some internet porn before going to bed.

I was a happy guy, putting in 4 hours of work a day, coming home by 3:30pm and drinking myself into a silly, drunken, stupid...um... stupor. Now I go to work at 6:30am, come home around 4:30pm, and work for another few hours - all for $21,500!

Anyway, let me catch you up on what I've been up to:

I lied and said I was a web site designer and got a job as a web site designer.

In two consecutive nights, I saw four hair bands in concert: Tesla, Poison, Cinderella and Skid Row.

I bought a treadmill.

As the result of a drunken houseboating accident, I now go to the chiropractor three times a week and spend most of my day with an ice pack on my back.

For the first time ever, a team I was rooting for won the NBA championship.

Found out I can hang 8 pair of jeans on my treadmill.

Got my condo painted.

No updates?

Where have I been for the last week or so? Well, let me tell you.

I got a new job. There are a lot of differences between this job and my old one - some good, some bad. One of the good things is the salary. I don't want to brag, but $7.43/hour is going to buy a lot of beer!

Unfortunately this new position has different job responsibilities - most of which involve actual work. Some things not in the job description are:

• Surfing internet porn
• Watching 80's sitcoms online
• Taking 2-hour liquid lunches
• Napping
• Posting useless crap on the internet
• Working from home on Fridays
• Arriving late
• Leaving early

While I used to have eight hours in the day to stare at the wall, waiting for a thought to enter my head, I now have to fit this into my evenings, which is when I usually like to get shit-faced.

How did my priorities get so out-of-whack?

This is one wise chick

CHOOSE TO BOOZE

Today in history

1825 - Walter Hunt patented the safety pin and then sold the rights for $400. That's gotta at least be a billion dollar industry, right?

1994 - O.J. Simpson was questioned by Los Angeles police concerning the deaths of his ex-wife and her friend, Ronald Goldman.

In case you care, these bitches turn 20 today:

Van Halen fans: you might want to skip this

Check out David Lee Roth on Leno last night

Things haven't gone so well for principals from 80's movies

I recently learned that the principal from "The Breakfast Club" died.

'Breakfast Club' actor Gleason dead at 67

And a few years ago, the principal from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was accused of hiring a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photographs.

Click here for his Florida Sex Offender registration