17,000 Hits!

In just a little over two months, Wirthy.com has gone from 16,000 to 17,000 hits.

There's another accomplishment for me that doesn't mean a goddamn thing!

In real life, this never happens

Kirstie Alley Syndrome Strikes Again!

Cybill Sheppard then and now.

The one for me

This just dawned on me. I think I've finally found my perfect woman: Dana Reeve, widow of Christopher Reeve.

Think about it: most women aren't interested in a guy like me who can barely walk, but she just spent nine years with a guy who couldn't even move his finger. I can move all my fingers - whenever I want!!! I can move my head from side to side. I can breathe on my own. I can drive a car both sober and drunk. I can prepare light lunches. I go to the bathroom all by myself. I can speak more than 10 words in a minute. To her, I'm Superman!

Dana, give me a call.

Still sober

I am over 40 hours into my latest attempt at long-term sobriety, which is about the 4th longest sober streak I've ever had.

Being sober is sort of like having super powers. Last night I was able to untie both shoes without falling over repeatedly and this afternoon I lifted a burning car off of a small boy.

Tonight I watched the series finale of MacGyver which originally aired in 1992. For months I've been watching that show in a drunken haze. Let me tell - that's the best way to watch it. At the end of the final show, MacGyver rides off on a motorcycle with his son that he met for the first time 46 minutes earlier. TVLAND is now starting the series over with season #1. I'm not sure if I'll continue watching, especially since I just realized that WGN airs Magnum P.I. daily.

Time to dry out

Tonight has been long overdue. While I did go out for a while, I probably only had four or five beers. I was home by 9:15pm.

Tonight is the first sober night I've had since last week sometime. Hell it maybe longer than that since I don't remember what I did last week.

Anyway tonight I rest.

Night of no drinking

I've been drinking a little too much lately. After getting drunk off of Black Velvet Monday night and waking up Tuesday morning, fully clothed, lying on my bed with all my lights on, I decided I needed a break.

So I was leaving work yesterday with intentions of enjoying a relaxing alcohol-free night at home when my phone rang. It was one of my friends who said he was going to Chuy's. I won't say who but if you had one guess, I'm sure you'd get it. Note to wives: this friend called ME not the other way around.

Anyway my night of no drinking really got derailed. And with Tom Miller coming to town tonight, I doubt I'll get another chance anytime soon.

And I still haven't been able to get this week's Survivor Wirthy out. Maybe today.

Strippers and vomit

Tonight I was outsmarted by a very crafty stripper. It turns out that all she wanted was my money. What a shock.

Later tonight a friend got sick from drinking and threw up. Do you know that the last time I've thrown up from alcohol was 1996? And the last time I've thrown up ever was in January 1998. How many of you can say that? What a goddamn accomplishment! How many of you can say you even bother to think of the last time you threw up? Hell, it's 3:00am and I'm drunk - you'd be surprised at the shit you think of.

Recipe for fun

So you're sitting at home on a night that may or may not be the night before Work-From-Home-Friday and none of your friends want to go out. What do you do? Here's what you do: you have a good time all by yourself and this is all you need:

1. Six episodes of MacGyver recorded (may substitute Magnum P.I., A-Team or Knight Rider).

2. Alcohol...and lots of it (my choice is whiskey. you may prefer vodka, tequila or something else).

3. Charles Barkley bobblehead (may substitute Hakeem Olajuwon or Roger Clemens but I don't recommend).

4. Digital camera (can be purchased at most electronics stores).

First you start drinking. I began with beer and then progressed to the whiskey.

Start watching MacGyver. Try to appreciate the moral lesson conveyed in each episode.

Take time out for peanut butter sandwich dinner (optional).

Continue with MacGyver.

Notice the Charles Barkley bobblehead on the counter.

Grab the digital camera.

Let the foolery begin!

Bugles and tooth paste

Sorry but I've kind of been on a MacGyver kick lately. After watching quite a few episodes over the last week, I've noticed something: every show ends in a very gay way.

So it's about 11:30pm. I just finished a screwdriver which, thanks to a trip to the grocery store, was tonight's drink of choice. I just brushed my teeth, took out the contacts and was off to bed when I got an all-to-familiar craving...one more beer isn't going to hurt anyone. Besides I'd much rather have the crisp taste of a pilsner on my breath than that of Cool Mint Crest as I drift into my nightly coma.

Guess what I found at the grocery store today: Bugles! I used to remember them coming in a box but now they come in a bag - just like chips...fascinating. They made a nice side dish to my dinner entree of peanut butter sandwiches. Damn I'm livin' large!

Survivor Wirthy

Don't miss the first episode of Survivor Wirthy. Go to www.wirthy.com/survivor or just go to Wirthy.com and try to find your way from there (hint: pay special attention to the huge Survivor Wirthy logo).

I got this amazing idea while watching ABC's The Benefactor late one drunken night. I was going to spend months developing my online reality show and planned to incorporate music, animation and maybe even video. It was to be my most ambitious project yet! But when I sobered up the next morning I decided to streamline the production and I put the damn thing out in under a week.

Call me Drunkman!

Tonight I watched the movie "The Punisher". It's about a cop whose entire family is killed. This turns him into a vigilante/superhero-type person who battles crime at night but drinks whiskey during the day to dull the pain of losing his family.

This movie has inspired me to become a drunken superhero. But instead of getting drunk and later going out to battle crime, I'll probably just keep getting drunk and let crime continue on its own. I mean, what am I gonna do? Beat criminals with my cane? I'll get my ass kicked.

A bottle of red, a bottle of white

Tonight it was just a bottle of red and a couple of beers.

Hi Jeremy Bittner - a new Wirthy.com Weblog fan. Spread the word; my goal of becoming the most famous person from Munich, ND is within reach.

Today - Munich
Tomorrow - Henderson Township (or whatever the hell it is)
Next week - Cavalier County
A Month From Now - North Dakota
Next Year - THE WORLD!!!

And then there will be no stopping me!

I watched a cool movie tonight. It starred the guy who played Pig Vomit in the Howard Stern movie. Can't remember what it was called though. It was a biography about some guy who I can't think of right now. You should see it...it's funny.

15 minutes just went by as I fought a grueling battle with a cricket. The cricket lost.

Hey, Saturday Night Live is on TV right now...makes it feel like a weekend. Enough typing for tonight.

More MacGyver

My friend Tanya from Minnesota e-mailed me this afternoon and told me she hoped that I would not drink alone tonight. Unfortunately, neither she nor anyone else stopped by, so I did end up drinking by myself. Why do I constantly do this? Is it because I have low self-esteem? Is it because I'm slowly trying to end this miserable life? Or could it have something to do with the fact that my house is stocked with more liquor than a...umm...a liquor-selling place, and there's nobody here but me to drink it?

I caught a couple more episodes of MacGyver tonight on TVLND. I learned MacGyver doesn't like guns because, when he was a kid, he and some friends played with a gun and one of his friends accidentally got shot to death. MacGyver as an adult also does not drink alcohol. Tonight he said, that at age 11, he and his friend Freddie polished off a 6-pack of beer inside of an hour. Freddie later died drinking and driving. MacGyver is such a pussy! Who among us didn't kill a friend the first time we played with a gun? Whose friend didn't drive off a cliff after drinking beer for the first time? Get back on that horse, MacGyver!

I also caught a couple episodes of Cheers. Damn that TVLND channel is great! Sam Malone had on a cardigan sweater in both shows. I think I'll start wearing those again.

Well, it's after 2:00 a.m. again. Luckily it's Work-From-Home-Friday today. I haven't stayed up this late since Tuesday night, which happened to be right before Work-From-Home-Wednesday.

Damn MacGyver!

If that damn MacGyver would just kill somone, I'd be in bed by now.

Instead it's after 2:00 a.m. and I'm just going to sleep because of that damn wuss.

Hey, I have a great idea for Wir thy.com. It's going to be hilarious! But I'm drunk, what do I know?

Summer is finally here

Summer has arrived. The way I know is that we went to the lake yesterday for the first time this year. I'm looking forward to many, many lake outings this summer.

Damn, I'm a loser!

It's 10:00 p.m. I'm sitting at my computer while watching a PBS documentary on the evolution of video games. I am not getting laid, I'm not going out, I'm just sitting here all by myself. What a frickin' loser!

I am drinking though, so that's cool. Kids, don't let anyone tell you drinking is not cool. There is nothing cooler, except maybe drugs but those are usually more expensive and harder to come by.

How do you do it?

I don't know how you people do it - go to bed early. I tried it tonight (see the post below). After tossing and turning for a half hour, I had to get up and pour myself a glass of whiskey.

Well, now I have to drink myself to sleep.

Unspeakable act

A horribly gruesome and disgusting thing occurred this morning. I am barely able to bring myself to recount it.

This morning after shaving I removed the blade from my razor and went to toss it in the garbage. But in what can only be described as a momentary complete lapse of judgment, I tossed the blade cartridge into the toilet.

I stared at the blade now resting at the bottom of my toilet bowl for what was probably only a few seconds but felt like hours. What were my options? Can I flush it? Should I use the toilet brush to fish it out? What if by doing so, I nudged it out of reach?

It soon became clear what I would have to do.

I bent down over the bowl and submerged my left hand into the water which went up past my wrist. Quickly I grabbed the razor cartridge and yanked my hand out.

Despite being quite traumatized, I managed to keep my wits about me. I scrubbed my hand and arm with hot water and Dial hand soap. Not quite satisfied I took a shower using a bar of Dial soap and Old Spice Body Wash. I have also decided to no longer use that hand ever again.

Self-destruction Saturday

The Saturday before Labor Day for me is known as Self-destruction Saturday (SDS). Yesterday was the first annual SDS. Activities on this day include starting to drink 11:00 a.m. and continuing to the entire day...all by myself.

During SDS I do not go anywhere, I do not leave my property. I spend the entire day in an intoxicated haze.

Making numerous drunk phone calls is encouraged and I did so throughout the afternoon and evening.

Other activities that took place on SDS included killing ants with insect spray, trying to master the Kiss ballad "Beth" on piano and deciding if I should eat a ham sandwich that I just dropped on the ground.

Once the sun went down, I celebrated that I was still conscious by opening a bottle of champagne. Later in the night I even got some SDS visitors when Colonel and Geri showed up.

Sometime after 1:00 a.m. I passed out on my recliner. At 1:57 a.m. I managed to lift myself off the chair, make my way through the living room - past a bent oscillating fan that I had a run in with earlier in the day, and drop myself onto my bed. By the way, I have slept in my clothes the past two nights.

So the first annual SDS is in the past and I must wait another year for it to come around again. Luckly I have SDM (Self-destruction Monday) coming up tomorrow.