What do you do...

...when you are a 23 year old, soon-to-be-starting quarterback in the NFL who just signed a megamillion dollar contract?

You get your ex-girlfriend knocked up a month ago. Get ready for that $20,000/month child support, dumb ass!

Tonight on Pay Per View

So many choices:

Uptown Hookers 6

Ghetto Girlz 3

All Aboard Alexis

Barbaric Bangers 3

Oriental Pleasure 4

Bulgarian Minxes 4

Wirthy.com resurrected

Damn kids these days have it easy

Dinky Pluto loses its status as planet

When I was a young school lad, I had to memorize the names of nine planets. There was Earth, Mercury, Mars, um, uh, mmm, and six others. Now these fucking brats only have to know eight planets.

The ups and downs of life

I've lost nearly all my regular readers. Down from a once mighty 212 visitors per day, I now average only 50.

Nothing sucks all the creativity out of a person like a full-time job. I now spend all my time working on my company's web site and no time on this site. And I get in trouble if I even put one picture of a drunken Lego guy on my company's site.

When I do have a single bit of free time, I'm either trying to balance my drunk ass on a bar stool or spending quality time with the girlfriend watching shit like this.

So, life's kind of been a rollercoaster lately. Lots of highs and lots of lows:

I turned 32 a couple of days ago. Another year older (low).

Another year closer to death (high).

I got my first speeding ticket in nearly 10 years (low).

I got 1 1/2 jobs (low).

I get 1 1/2 paychecks (high).

My 1 1/2 paychecks don't add up to most people's single paycheck (low).

Last night on "Happy Days," Fonzie injured himself in a motorcycle accident (low).

The morning after pill was OK'd for over-the-counter sales (high).

I splurged on an insanely expensive ($19.99) bottle of vodka (high).

Girlfriend drank all my $20 vodka (low).

I don't even remember how to do this

It's been a month since I've been here. What the hell has happened to me? I went from having 22 hours of free time a day to having two jobs and barely enough time to have two beers and a quick glance at some internet porn before going to bed.

I was a happy guy, putting in 4 hours of work a day, coming home by 3:30pm and drinking myself into a silly, drunken, stupid...um... stupor. Now I go to work at 6:30am, come home around 4:30pm, and work for another few hours - all for $21,500!

Anyway, let me catch you up on what I've been up to:

I lied and said I was a web site designer and got a job as a web site designer.

In two consecutive nights, I saw four hair bands in concert: Tesla, Poison, Cinderella and Skid Row.

I bought a treadmill.

As the result of a drunken houseboating accident, I now go to the chiropractor three times a week and spend most of my day with an ice pack on my back.

For the first time ever, a team I was rooting for won the NBA championship.

Found out I can hang 8 pair of jeans on my treadmill.

Got my condo painted.

No updates?

Where have I been for the last week or so? Well, let me tell you.

I got a new job. There are a lot of differences between this job and my old one - some good, some bad. One of the good things is the salary. I don't want to brag, but $7.43/hour is going to buy a lot of beer!

Unfortunately this new position has different job responsibilities - most of which involve actual work. Some things not in the job description are:

• Surfing internet porn
• Watching 80's sitcoms online
• Taking 2-hour liquid lunches
• Napping
• Posting useless crap on the internet
• Working from home on Fridays
• Arriving late
• Leaving early

While I used to have eight hours in the day to stare at the wall, waiting for a thought to enter my head, I now have to fit this into my evenings, which is when I usually like to get shit-faced.

How did my priorities get so out-of-whack?

This is one wise chick

CHOOSE TO BOOZE

Today in history

1825 - Walter Hunt patented the safety pin and then sold the rights for $400. That's gotta at least be a billion dollar industry, right?

1994 - O.J. Simpson was questioned by Los Angeles police concerning the deaths of his ex-wife and her friend, Ronald Goldman.

In case you care, these bitches turn 20 today:

Van Halen fans: you might want to skip this

Check out David Lee Roth on Leno last night

Things haven't gone so well for principals from 80's movies

I recently learned that the principal from "The Breakfast Club" died.

'Breakfast Club' actor Gleason dead at 67

And a few years ago, the principal from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was accused of hiring a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photographs.

Click here for his Florida Sex Offender registration

Gone to the lake for the week

Hey, I'm short too!

Judge: Vertically-challenged child molester wouldn't survive prison

This guy avoided prison for sexually assaulting a kid because he is only 5' 1". I'm only about six inches taller. I should at least be able to get away with armed robbery or indecent exposure.

Early morning question

I am sitting in my office, looking out the window at the parking lot where a vehicle's alarm is going off. Why do we say car alarms "go off" when they are not "off," they are "on." Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that car alarms "go on?"

Wow, I am really coming through with some quality, entertaining entries lately!

Was the world really asking for this show?

True Hollywood Story: Charles In Charge

Nevertheless, for an hour last night I parked my ass in front of the TV and guzzled whiskey while learning all about this 80's classic.

After the booze haze cleared, here's what I remember:

Willie Aames' career eventually led him to becoming Bibleman - a human transformed by the word of God who fights injustice with, what else, the word of God.

At his first trip to the Playboy Mansion, Scott Baio was awestruck for 20 minutes before taking off his pants.

Nicole Eggert was nearly left paralyzed from a snowmobile accident. She got boob implants and then had them removed.

Half-way through the show, a bug landed in my whiskey glass and drowned. That's the way I want to go.

The younger uglier girl, Josie Davis, went from this to this.

Scott Baio never banged Nicole Eggert. He said they "hung out" after the show ended but that's all. Sure, Chachi. Whatever you say.

Josie Davis' first kiss was with Paul Walker who did an episode of Charles before becoming super famous with those Fast and Furious movies.

Today in history

1959 - Bronson Pinchot was born. Happy birthday Balki!

I'm a sell out

According to this site, my domain wirthy.com is worth $23,814.00.

I'm feeling generous, so I'm willing to let it go for $20,000. Any takers?

This is the best story I've read in a while

McCartney may lose quarter of fortune in divorce

Dumb ass!

This article from 2002 reports that McCartney's kids "were upset about the wedding, believing Mills was latching on to their dad's money and fame."

This is why I'll never marry. NOBODY is taken a quarter of my fortune! I'll be damned if I'm going to give some woman $936.21.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image for story

(archive)

Today in history

1914 - The American Horseshoe Pitchers Association (AHPA) was formed in Kansas City.