I have friends -- former high school wrestlers -- who love "Vision Quest," the 1985 Matthew Modine movie about a high school wrestler who drops two weight classes in order to challenge the undefeated state wrestling champion. But I've always considered it a little gay, which is how I feel about wrestling in general.
The uniform they wear is called a singlet. Why couldn't they have just called it a "uniform"? No - they had to give it the least-masculine name possible. I originally thought that was what a baby wears, but that's called a onesie.
I'll let you decide: Gay porn?
Monday, January 14, 2008
80's coming of age drama, or gay porn movie?
Stumble it!For the person who has everything
Are you looking for a gift for the person who has everything? Or do you want to win every road-rage battle?
Then you are going to want to get out to the Barrett-Jackson Car Auction this week and bid on Robosaurus. This 40 foot tall, 30 ton robotic dinosaur has mechanical jaws and claws, and can shoot 20 foot flames from its nostrils.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Welcome to my Crib
C'mon in.
Here's my kitchen. I don't cook much so it's mainly just a storage room for my fridge.
If you're a connoisseur of fine frozen pizzas, you must have a pizza oven!
My fridge pretty much just contains alcohol or things you can mix with alcohol.
My dining "room," located conveniently two feet from the kitchen. And above the table -- my idea of fine art -- a monkey drinking booze.
Just another few feet away is my living room. This is where I spend most of my time. Clearly, it is the largest room in the house.
Everything in my life is small: my house, my wallet, my -- um -- you know. But my TV is large - 61 inches!
Sure I have "Scarface" and "The Godfather," but no movie collection is complete unless it includes "Strange Brew" on VHS.
In the back "yard," is my white-trash bar. You can tell it's white-trash because of the Christmas tree lights strung up all year long.
Every white-trash bar needs a huge beer can fridge.
Many romantic nights are spent by the fire, all by myself.
As they say, this is where the magic happens.
Here's one of the two bathrooms. That's right - 2 bathrooms! Who the hell has 2 bathrooms?
Since I never have any guests, the spare bedroom has become my 80s game room.
Ms. Pac-man anyone?
Playstation 3? Wii? Xbox? Hell no! It's all about the Atari 2600 and Sega Genesis.
Let's go outside and check out my rides.
This is my 2006 Chevy Impala. I'm rolling on 16's - aluminum, baby!
And when I'm too drunk to drive and even too drunk to walk, I hop on my Go-Go mobility scooter. This thing comes complete with variable speed -- ranging from turtle to rabbit -- and a custom beer holder.
Ok now, you've seen my crib. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Accomplishments
I sat down on my recliner today and did not get up until 1 power nap, 1 NFL pre-game show, 2 football quarters, 1 half time, 2 more football quarters, another pre-game show, another 2 football quarters, and one more half time show later.
That's over 6 hours of constant recliner time! In college, I once spent 10 straight hours on the couch; but I'm not 22 anymore. It's a young man's game.
Learning is the shizzle!
Remember when kids got all their education from that purple dinosaur, Barney? That was so 1993. Nowadays, kids have a fuzzy wigger bear to teach them.
Similar to Barney, Hip Hop Harry encourages children to read and learn, but through upbeat and positive hip hop singing & rapping. Actually, isn't that what Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch used to do?
In a segment called "My Favorite Things" from "Hip Hop Harry - Fun With Friends," kids bring a favorite thing to show their friends. Kendra brings her pet bunny, Ribbons. However, William secretly opens Ribbons' cage and the bunny runs away. So Hip Hop Harry explains to Kendra that, to keep her props, she must retaliate and busta cap in William's ass.
In "Words Have Power," the kids learn that words have the power to make someone feel good or bad. As an example Hip Hop Harry welcomed Katie, who is new to Hip Hop Central, calling her a fine ass bitch; but dissed Megan, labeling her a skeeza and a skank-ass hoe.
And I'll throw this picture in here, for the hell of it.
Going nowhere
Every Saturday, I look through my childhood photos, trying to pinpoint exactly when my life went so wrong. Today I came across this nice picture of me sitting on my trike.
As I previously wrote (I make fun of crippled people), I'm disabled. I can barely walk; I've never been able to ride a bike; and, odds are, I wasn't able to pedal this trike.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Brother and sister marry
Unknowing twins marry each other
A set of British twins who were separated at birth went on to marry each other without realizing they were related. The brother and sister, who were adopted by separate parents, were given an annulment after a High Court judge ruled that the marriage had never been valid.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Viva Viagra
This commercial reminds me of when my friends and I got together and jammed about our anti-diarrheal medication.
Seriously, what the hell is going on here?
Some buddies convene at a rustic bar in the middle of nowhere -- all hopped-up on Viagra -- and break into song, while waiting for their erectile dysfunction medication to kick in.
After performing a rousing (arousing?) little ditty about how badly they want to bump uglies with their wives, they start to chub up; so they do some manly back-slapping, and high-fiving, before tearing out of the parking lot to go rape their women.
Blacks boycott golf?
Tiger OK with 'lynch' remark, but Sharpton ready for battle
Kelly Tilghman, a Golf Channel broadcaster, jokes about Tiger Woods and uses the word "lynch." Initially the Golf Channel does nothing but, after Al Sharpton gets involved, suspends Tilghhman for a couple weeks.
Although Tiger has accepted an apology from Tilghman, that isn't enough for Mr. Sharpton, who is demanding she be fired.
I think the Golf Channel should ignore Sharpton. What's the worst that could happen: Black people boycott golf? Haven't they been doing that for -- um -- ever?
Another teacher bitching about money
Low salaries force some Missouri teachers to moonlight
This teacher is forced to work at a restaurant on weekends because he can't support his family of seven solely on his $23,000 teaching salary. Family of SEVEN! Most people can't afford a family of seven. That's why they don't have a family of seven. Although, maybe in Missouri, that's considered a small family.
"You choose a profession you love to do, and you go to school for four years, and you should be able to support a family on that wage," the teacher said.
Choosing a profession you love doesn't -- and shouldn't -- guarantee a good income. If it did, we'd all be rich, being an announcer at a strip club (my dream job).
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
HNT baby
Whenever I lack HNT creativity, I take the easy way out and go to the baby pictures.
What's Half Nekkid Thursday?
Women, beware; Sean Connery will get all 007 on you
This one has been around for a while, but it's more quality advice from the rich and famous.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Monkey whores!
Do Monkeys Pay for Sex?
In a study, males in a group of about 50 monkeys traded grooming services for sex with females.
Those lucky monkey bastards! All they have to pay for hot monkey love is grooming services? If they only knew how much that shit cost in the human world.
On a side note, if scientists are conducting a study of whether monkeys pay for sex, is it possible that there are way too many studies going on?
Life advice from a rich rock star
Dave Grohl's six tips to a happy life
My favorite is: 5. Try to be in two incredibly successful bands. That's priceless advice.
If you're like me, you take all life advice from celebs. Here's some words-of-wisdom I've received over the years.
Tommy Lee, Motley Crue drummer: Have a huge dick.
Jim Walton, 23rd-richest person in the world and son of Sam Walton: Make sure your father started the universe's largest retail empire.
Tom Brady, New England Patriots QB: Be me.
.38 Special, American rock band: Hold on loosely, but don't let go; if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control.
Today in history
1955 - Mike Reno, lead singer of Loverboy, was born.
I was amused to read on his Wikipedia page that, in a late 90's interview, he attributed the decline of Loverboy to the rise of grunge bands such as Nirvana. Yeah, Loverboy was huge right up until 1991. I don't recall getting into too many Nirvana vs. Loverboy conversations.
1991 - Steve Clark, Def Leppard guitarist, died; likely killed by Nirvana.
Monday, January 07, 2008
The Issues
With all the exciting political activity going on now, I felt like sharing my views on some of the issues facing our country.
THINGS I'M FOR
Time Travel
Having repeatedly seen the "Back To The Future" trilogy and every episode of "Quantum Leap," I feel I know the dos and don'ts to traveling through time without disturbing the space-time continuum.
Suicide
It's a bit controversial; not many people say they are pro-suicide. But as long as you don't jump from a building and land on someone, or shoot a bunch of people in a mall, I say go right ahead.
"The King of Queens"
While this show aired for a successful 9 seasons (according to Wikipedia, it's the 12 longest running sitcom), I feel it did not get the respect it deserved. In my opinion, it was better than "Everybody Loves Raymond" and Kevin James is funnier than Ray Romano. And, other than a few fat seasons, Leah Remini is pretty hot.
Outback Steakhouse’s Salad Policy
You now get 2 side items with your meal, not 1 side plus a salad. If you want a salad, that's 1 of your sides. But you could also have green beans and mashed potatoes.
Very Late Term Abortions (up to age 15)
Fetuses are rarely annoying. However, sometimes a perfectly good infant grows into a teenage asshole.
THINGS I'M AGAINST
Hiking
It seems like people are always dying or getting lost, injured or stranded on hiking excursions. Expensive recovery teams - usually with helicopters - have to be sent out to rescue them or recover their bodies. Who are these morons who just have to go hiking? Get yourself a TV and a couch and stay home, like me.
Recycling
Give future generations a better world than I had? Why the hell would I want to do that?
Buffets
If I wanted to get my own food, I’d eat at home.
Restaurant booths
I have a 32” waist; other people are way fatter. Why would we want to sit the same distance from the table?
U2
They haven't had a good song in years. They're annoying. I wish Bon Jovi would smack the shit out of Bono.
Adults wearing sports jerseys
I have friends who wear them, mainly to sporting events. Still, that's no excuse. Unless you're 10 years old or you're actually Tony Romo, don't wear a Tony Romo jersey.
Post Office
What other business can raise their rates whenever they want with absolutely no repercussions?
Common names with uncommon spelling
If you’re going to name your kid Mark, spell it M-A-R-K, not M-A-R-C or M-A-R-H-W-Q. Don't make him go through life always having to correct the spelling of his name.
Marriage
It's the leading cause of divorce.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
What about apologizing for those eyebrows?
Mother apologizes for ‘Hannah Montana’ hoax
The mother who helped her daughter win a “Hannah Montana” essay contest by making up a story about the girl’s father being killed Iraq says she made a terrible mistake. “I meant no disrespect. I just made a bad decision which I sincerely regret,” Priscilla Ceballos said on the TODAY Show.
But what about those eyebrows? That is what she should be apologizing for! They look like they were drawn on with a brown Crayola marker.
If she doesn't want to be portrayed as an evil person, maybe she should ditch the sinister brows.
UPDATE: I just realized who she reminds me of: Natasha from the Bullwinkle Show.
Today in History
14 years ago, in 1994, the first ever interesting thing occurred the figure skating world. Skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed in the knee with a metal baton, a hit ordered by competing skater, Tonya Harding.
Immediately after the attack, Kerrigan cried like - well - a figure skater.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
You have a message of terror from Osama
Al-Qaida offering cellphone video downloads
Osama bin Laden is now sending videos via cell phones and, still, nobody can find him. If I exceed my monthly data allowance, Verizon's all over my ass!
I think that maybe Chad from Alltel knows more than he's letting on. Let's keep an eye on him.
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