Today In History

1949 - Judith Light was born.

Judith is an actress, best known for playing advertising executive Angela Bower on the sitcom "Who's The Boss?" She also has a recurring role on ABC's "Ugly Betty."

In 1984, Tony Danza walked in on her while she was taking a bath.

Judith is a spokesperson for an anti-gay product, Proactive Solution, and is also an acne rights activist.

Correction: I guess she is a spokesperson for an anti-acne product and a is a gay rights activist.

Everyone Gets Better Presents Than I Do

Mom Gave Child Alcohol, Marijuana On Birthday

On my 11th birthday, I got a transformer -- Megatron, the Decepticon leader. This girl gets beer and pot. I got a transforming piece of plastic.

The Following Takes Place During a Writers Strike

With "24's" writers on strike, Jack Bauer's days are a little more mundane than they used to be.

The following takes place between 6:00AM - 7:00AM: Has breakfast, breaks the secret code puzzle on the Lucky Charms box in under ten seconds.

7:00AM - 8:00AM: Links himself to Kevin Bacon in one step: "I was in 'A Few Good Men' with Kevin Bacon."

8:00AM - 9:00AM: Interrogates neighbor about missing newspaper, electrocutes him with toaster cord.

10:00AM - 11:00AM: "Live with Regis & Kelly"




11:00AM - 12:00PM: Updates MySpace page to indicate love of punk rock and torture.

12:00PM - 1:00PM: Scrapbooking.




1:00PM - 2:00PM: Laundry.

2:00PM - 3:00PM: Sends resume to "CSI: Miami."

3:00PM - 4:00PM: Tries to disarm microwave.

4:00PM - 5:00M: Texts President picture of his ass.




5:00PM - 6:00PM: Massive shit.




6:00PM - 7:00PM: Calls Verizon, upgrades his plan to allow unlimited nuclear power plant schematic downloads.

7:00PM - 8:00PM: Accesses government surveillance satellite to track hot waitress from Applebees.

8:00PM - 9:00PM: Dominates at Duck Hunt.




9:00PM - 10:00PM: Gets kicked out of Blockbuster for causing a scene when they didn't have "Young Guns II."

10:00PM - 11:00PM: Watches a special two-part "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" where Hilary and Carlton learn a valuable life lesson while volunteering at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving.

11:00PM - 12:00AM: "Discharges his weapon," if you know what I mean.

"What is Rerun HNT?"

My writers are on strike, so please enjoy this Half Nekkid Thursday rerun.

Today In History

Axl Rose and Ronald Reagan were born.

Rocking The Vote

I think I am perfectly fine leaving the fate of our country in the hands of people who love standing in lines. Yeah ... I think I'm fine with it.

I got to my voting place -- a junior high school -- around 5:20PM. For the next hour I witnessed democracy at its finest and efficiency at its worst. I think I have a court order that says I'm not supposed to spend that much time at a junior high school. I thought about playing the "crippled card" and cutting to the front of the line but I like to save that for really important places -- like strip clubs.

As I neared the front, I got to see American hatred grow in the eyes of fellow voters as they continued down the hall -- past the science room, the "February is Library Lovers Month" poster, and the girls softball sign-up sheet -- to take their place at the back of the line.

When it was finally my turn to vote, I wasn't sure that our country was still facing the same issues it was when I first got in line. Have the troops been called home? Can a guy still knock up a chick and legally fix the situation for less than the price of a HDTV? Is my mortgage interest rate still 32%?

All that work to write in my vote for former Starship singer, Mickey Thomas.

Classic 80's Scene

Scenario:

Two cars -- one good, one bad -- are driving on a desolate highway in a 1980's TV action-drama. The trailing car pulls up next to the other vehicle and attempts to ram it off the road. This strategy is never successful the first time, so it is repeated multiple times until one of the cars is forced from the road, always going airborne and landing upside down.

In the history of real life, has anyone ever performed this maneuver? Have police officers ever stopped fleeing bank robbers like this? Has a real world gangster ever used this tactic to prevent a witness from testifying in court?

In every situation, at least one of the parties involved has a gun. But instead of shooting at the other car, they continue to bump back and forth. I always wondered why the driver of the car being attacked didn't just slam on the brakes and let the other car sweep by, like my buddy Street Hawk does in this clip:

Monday Struggles to Compete With Neighboring Days

In a week of super-sized events that includes Super Bowl Sunday and Super Tuesday, Monday finds itself struggling for recognition.

Sunday the sporting world sets its focus on Glendale, AZ, and the 42nd Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. With the Patriots vying for a perfect undefeated season, it is predicted to be the most watched Super Bowl of all time.

Two days later the country will turn its attention to Super Tuesday, the day when the greatest number of states -- 24 this year -- holds presidential primary elections.

In between these two high profile days is Monday, plain old Monday. With thousands of Americans suffering through post-Super Bowl hangovers, this day has never enjoyed a great reputation. But Monday wants its chance to compete with its more glamorous week-mates.

"Monday might not have a big name event like the Super Bowl, but it offers some real quality entertainment," said Monday's spokesperson, Phillip Bostran. "We've got the CBS sit-com 'The New Adventures of Old Christine,' starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, returning for its third season; Comedy Central is airing a couple of really good 'Scrubs' reruns; and guess who is going to be on 'Regis' -- Martin Lawrence!"

"Oh sure, Monday isn't going to have any events as significant as the primaries," Bostran continued. "But it is Independence Day in Sri Lanka."

Bostran also added that, if the Super Bowl didn't satisfy your sporting needs, check your local listings Monday night and watch the LA Clippers and New York Knicks battle to stay at the bottom of their respective divisions.

"Just give Monday a chance," Bostran requested. "Its better than Wednesday which has been riding that damn 'hump day' crap way too long."

Gas Prices Rise at Same Rate Wesley Snipes' Career Declines

At the end of the 1980s, a gallon of gas cost $1.02 and Wesley Snipes was in the hit comedy "Major League." 29 years later, fuel costs have tripled and Snipes is battling legal troubles and appearing in direct-to-DVD movies.

Throughout the first half of the 1990s, gas prices hovered around $1.10; Snipes was in "New Jack City" and "Jungle Fever." But by 1996 the average cost per gallon surpassed $1.20 and Snipes was appearing in the box office bomb "One Night Stand" -- a far cry from previous blockbusters like "Demolition Man."

As fuel prices continued climbing past $2 a gallon, Snipes' Hollywood career remained on a decline. In 1998 he starred in the made-for-TV movie "Futuresport" in which a sport combining basketball, baseball and hockey is created to reduce gang warfare. In 2002 he appeared in "ZigZag" which, according to IMDB.com, grossed $2,418 at the box office.

Now, with crude oil prices topping a record $100 a barrel, researchers say demand is simply overwhelming supply. Many Hollywood insiders feel the same phenomenon is occurring with Wesley Snipes.

"It's simple supply and demand," said Gary Landers, Associate Editor at Entertainment Weekly. "We have guys like Steven Seagal, Val Kilmer and Wesley (Snipes). Is there really a demand for all of them? Is there even a demand for one of them?"

Snipes was charged with conspiracy and tax fraud in 2006. He faced over 16 years in prison, but this week was acquitted of the most serious charges. He still, however, faces up to three years imprisonment and must pay $17 million in back taxes plus penalties and interest.

While gas prices have tumbled slightly in recent weeks, there is no evidence that Snipes' career will rebound any time soon. He just completed work on "Gallowwalker" -- a horror western film; not exactly a genre that has been known to produce successful films.

Drunken thoughts on '24' Season 1

Girlfriend's mom gave me the "24" season 1 box set for Christmas. I am a huge "24" fan and have not missed an episode. But I haven't seen the first season since it originally aired.

I finished the last DVD a couple nights ago and here's a few drunken thoughts:

In the first two hours, I went to the bathroom five times; Kiefer Sutherland didn't go at all.

Elisha Cuthbert turned a starring role in a hit show into one of the worst careers in Hollywood history, appearing in several movies that no one saw (The Quiet, Captivity and The Girl Next Door in which she played a porn star who never gets naked).

Our country clearly has decided it is time for a serious African American presidential candidate, after seeing "Major League's" Pedro Cerrano earn the Democratic nomination at the end of the first season.

If you're a government agent known only by your last name (example: Agent Samuels, Agent Hollister), you are going to be killed very soon -- probably during the same episode you first appeared in.

Perhaps someone should evaluate the Human Resources department at CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit). In season #1, two moles -- spies working on behalf of terrorists -- managed to get hired at the government agency, a common situation that would occur in future seasons. Maybe review the whole application process; here's a thought:

Do you currently work for a terrorist,
intent on destroying our country? [ ] Yes [ ] No

If "Yes," may we contact your current terrorist organization?

al Qaeda is Blowing Up Disabled People

In Baghdad, terrorists strapped bombs on two mentally disabled women and sent them into a busy market. The bombs were detonated, killing more than 50 people.

This is very sad and -- you know -- a little careless on the terrorists' part. What if these women diverted from their target, to find a TV showing "The People's Court" before Wapner starts in four minutes?

Christina Ricci Is Hot, To A Monkey

Christina Ricci assaulted by chimp

Christina Ricci was sexually assaulted by a chimpanzee on the set of her latest movie. Hmm ... there's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

What I'm Really Like, On The Inside

Heath Ledger's REAL Final Interview (I'm going to hell for this one)

Many media outlets are touting their recent Heath Ledger interviews as the actor's last, but Wirthy.com has obtained the transcript to, what is indeed, Ledger's final interview.

From January 22, 2008, approx. 3:30pm:

EMT (Emergency Medical Technician): "Heath, can you hear me?"

Ledger: No reply

EMT: "Wake up, Heath, wake up!"

Ledger: No reply

EMT: "Damn it! C'mon Heath, are you there?"

Ledger: No reply

Kicking the Bucket

Every second-rate blogger is posting a bucket list -- a list of things to do before you die. Since I would love to be second-rate and I hardly ever come up with my own original ideas, here's a list of things I would like to do before I pass from this world to the eternal flames of hell:

Obtain copies of all four "Iron Eagle" movies. I believe that uniting them will unlock strange and wonderful secrets of the universe.

Locate college roommate and ask for my Technotronic CD back

Learn how to correctly use "who" and "whom"

Get the NBA back on NBC and resurrect this intro song

Write and produce "Godfather IV," where Andy Garcia wages war against MySpace, Friendster and Facebook, giving the Corleone Family control over the lucrative social networking industry.

Explain to the world that the correct saying is "I couldn't care less" not "I could care less."

Meet Heath Ledger

Learn valuable life lesson that, although I can change into a werewolf, it will be much more satisfying to hit the free throws and win the big game as myself.

I am SO going to forget all the little people

I was shocked today to see the number of hits my drunken site got. Lately I've been averaging a pathetic 40-50 visitors a day (The number of visitors is pathetic. I'm not saying my visitors are pathetic; although some of you know you are.) But today I'm already over 600.

Are the cool kids finally recognizing me? How is this possible? I'll tell you how: my site was featured on the front page of USA Today!

Ok, ok ... maybe not the front page, but my blog -- specifically my Josh Brolin nose picking entry below -- was mentioned in a USA Today entertainment blog - Celeb photo roundup - the good, the bad, the ugly.

I haven't had this kind of publicity since I was mistaken for a guy from "To Catch A Predator." It's only a matter of time before you see my drunk ass on "Letterman."

You know, ever since I saw him on a 1986 episode of "Highway to Heaven," I knew that Josh Brolin's and my career would be forever intertwined.

Drunken thoughts on the Screen Actors Guild Awards

It's Screen Actors Guild Award night! There's very few things I enjoy more than sitting at my computer with a single-serve bottle of champagne and toasting our finest actors -- and Ryan Gosling. Actually, it was either that or "Matlock: The Assassination" (Ben and Leanne link the mayor's assassination to a judge charged with sexual assault) on the Hallmark Channel.

There was a time when young girls drooled over James Spader. On a side note, they also dropped their panties for Warrant front-man Jani Lane. Well, those days are gone. It now appears that those two may have been, in fact, the same person.

The Screen Actors Guild statue is hung like me:




It was a big night for "The Sopranos." It won Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Drama Series; and James Gandolfini and Edie Falco took home awards for Actors Most Likely To Be Hoping For A Sopranos Movie In 5 Years. Little Steven put on his best pirate costume for the event.

Woody Harrelson is in attendance, probably to receive a lifetime achievement award for his work in "White Men Can't Jump" and "Doc Hollywood."

Alan Rosenberg, president of the Screen Actors Guild began his speech with: "Tonight as we celebrate our 75th anniversary, 800,000 men and women in uniform around the world are watching us. Our best wishes to them all." If there's even one of our nation's solders watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards, I fear for our safety.

If they ever make a Kentucky Fried Chicken movie, I know who would be a perfect Colonel Sanders:




The Life Achievement award went to Charles Durning. Maybe next year, Woody.

If Queen Latifah is now an actress, not a rapper, isn't about time to for her to drop this "Queen" bullshit? It took me five seconds of research to discover her name is Dana.

Viggo Mortensen is presenting the award for Outstanding Female Actor In A Supporting Role. Last night I saw his ass and cock-and-balls in "Eastern Promises." The award went to Ruby Dee for playing Denzel's mom in "American Gangster." Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait ... that was Kiki Dee.

Actually, maybe Tommy Lee Jones would make a better Colonel Sanders.




The award for the Actor With Most Grease In His Hair went to Daniel Day Lewis. Damn -- this guy is really broken up over Heath Ledger! After making his entire speech about how he once saw Heath in "Monster's Ball" and "Brokeback Mountain," he dedicated his naked actor trophy to him.

Have you ever had a booger in your nose that, no matter how much you pick, you just can't get it out? And if so, did it happen when you were on stage, accepting a Hollywood award? Well, it happened to Josh Brolin.

Car Flies for a Little While

Car flies 200 feet, then kills 5

The realization of flying automobiles came much closer this morning, when five young men managed to fly their car over 200 feet in Ocala, FL. Sadly, these pioneers will never realize the importance of their contribution, as their flying car crashed into a tree, killing all aboard.

Because the car was destroyed, it is unclear how much will be gained from this experiment. Experts are hoping to learn more than they did in 1990 when Doc Brown's time-traveling De Lorean was wrecked by a freight train.

Remember this one? 'Turbo Teen'

How is it that I can't remember how I got home last Wednesday, but I remember a Saturday morning cartoon that aired only 12 episodes when I was 10?

"Turbo Teen" was an animated series that ABC aired in 1984 about a teenager, Brett Matthews, who drove his sports car into a scientific lab's molecular beam. As a result, he is able to morph into his car when his body temperature reached a certain level.



Brett used his new powers to battle crime with his girlfriend, Pattie, his best friend, Alex, and his dog. In the 80's teenage cartoon characters always had dogs and nearly all of them battled crime.

No one seemed to be bothered that they were riding around "inside" their friend. If I remember right, if Turbo Teen had passengers when he began morphing into human form, he would end up on all fours with his passengers sitting on his back. Creepy.

When I was a kid I liked how his hands turned into tires and his ass expanded to the rear of the car, but it freaked me out that his mouth stretched to become the grill. Now that I'm older, I have other questions. What part of the car is his penis? You know it's the gear shift -- you just know it!

Here is a funny parody from "Robot Chicken".

I know this god-damned thing is going to hit my house -- I just know it.

Satellite is weeks away from hitting Earth

Don't Say It

MSN.com featured 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman (they also had 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Guy).

There were a couple of good suggestions like don't tell a woman to "relax" because it is basically saying to her that she is being irrational. I always tell girlfriend to relax or "calm down"; she doesn't like that much.

But there was an obvious omission. Any list of things to NEVER say to a woman, should begin and end with:

Will you marry me?

Question

Existing single-family home sales drop

Why are home sales always referred to as "single-family" home sales? Is there a whole market out there of multiple families getting together to chip in on a house?

Super Half Nekkid

As I mentioned here, I discovered my crippled super powers very early on.



What's Half Nekkid Thursday?

Batman makes quick work of the Joker, this time around

Batman nemesis and former gay cowboy, Heath Ledger, dead

Remember this one? "Just the Ten of Us"

There wasn't a whole lot to do in the tiny, remote North Dakota town I grew up in. So most nights were spent watching TGIF, Must See TV, or whatever block of prime time programming the networks threw at me.

From 1988 to 1990, Just the Ten of Us was part of ABC's TGIF Friday night lineup (along with Perfect Strangers, Full House and Mr. Belvedere in 1988-89; and Full House, Family Matters and Perfect Strangers in 1989-1990).

A spin-off of Growing Pains, the show was about a gym teacher -- and father of eight -- who moves his family to California to take a job at an all-boys Catholic school. As part of his employment deal, all his kids are allowed to attend the school; but four of his kids are teenage girls. Oh, oh -- you guessed it -- hilarity ensues.

The marriage in this show was an early adopter of the fat-guy-with-attractive-wife theme that is still used in sitcoms today (King of Queens; Still Standing).

The show covered the normal 'special' sitcom topics: cutting class, teenage drinking and smoking. But it never touched on some more fitting subjects such as fertility drugs, Mormonism or sex addiction -- anything that would lead to a couple having eight kids.

I thought the second oldest daughter (played by Brooke Theiss) was the hottest.



An undated later photo shows she has held up over the years:



Here is a link to the show's theme song.

You aren't as smart as Kevin Bacon and Jason Priestly

Since day one, the world has been run by adults, with the younger generation forced to blindly follow their elders and heed such advice as "when you're my age, you'll understand," as if with greater age, came greater intelligence.

But there are two instants in history that have taught me that teenagers are far more intelligent than adults and, when faced with a difficult decision, will always make the right choice. Adults, on the other hand, will continue to follow poor decisions until a rebellious kid -- usually with cool hair -- sets them straight.

The first moment was in "Footloose" when Kevin Bacon took on the entire town of Bomont and its ban on public dancing. With bible in hand, he explained to Reverand John Lithgow and the rest of the townsfolk how their law against dancing and rock and roll music was wrong.

"And it was King David ... who we read about in Samuel. And what did David do? David danced before the Lord with all his might ... leaping and dancing before the Lord,'' recited Kevin Bacon from his scripture. "Leaping and dancing!"

Thanks to Kevin Bacon, the kids were allowed to decorate an old barn and dance to the hard rock music of Kenny Loggins and Mike Reno from Loverboy.

The second situation was this:

Remember this one? "One More Try"

"One More Try"
Timmy T

This song hit the top of the Billboard Charts in 1990. While I do remember it from when I was in high school, back then I lived in a small remote village without MTV so I didn't know what Timmy T looked like. Now that I have seen him, I have the same sickening feeling that I got when I first actually saw a Color Me Badd video.

Here's the original video, but skip it and go down to the live performance below -- it's much better.

So much going on here: the hair and those background dancers. Apparently poor Timmy couldn't afford good dancers. I think they signaled me to bunt or steal second a couple times.

Oh, doctor

If you're in the medical field, this has got to be your dream job:

Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation

"Doctor, your one o'clock physical -- Sindee Coxx -- is ready. And your appointment with Aurora Snow has been pushed back to three-thirty."


Like any job, however, it could have its bad days:

Why even bother

Friend of Marine on the run: 'He's like MacGyver'

If this guy is even a little like MacGyver, why even try to find him? Could anyone catch MacGyver? Nope. Murdoc tried numerous times - all unsuccessfully.

By now, he's probably sailed halfway across the world in a homemade hot air balloon.

Abortions Down, Whiny Brats Up

U.S. Abortion Rate Falls to Lowest Level in Decades, while Annoying Brat Levels Skyrocket to All-Time High

Die McAfee, Die!

What's the worst a computer virus can actually do? Bog down me computer? Produce endless pop-ups? Irritate the hell out of me? Well that's exactly what my McAfee anti-virus program was doing.

Every few minutes: "Your definitions are out of date;" "Your computer is not fully protected;" "A new version of McAfee is available;" "1993's version is still available." And whenever it would scan for viruses, it would suck all my memory and render my computer useless for 20 minutes. All that for $40 a year! I think I'd rather take my chances with the viruses.

But when you visit as many porn sites as I do, some protection is probably a good idea. I came across AGV's free anti-virus software. MSN recommended it, saying it wouldn't slow my computer and doesn't require many resources.

However, McAfee does not like to be uninstalled and it doesn't die easily. There is no uninstall option, and you can't simply delete the program folder. Go ahead and try to get rid of it through the Conrtol Panel's Add/Remove Programs; When you reboot your computer, McAfee will be right back where it's always been.

I had to download a special McAfee-killing program (probably a virus, itself). It fearlessly took on the mighty anvi-virus software and, in a hard-fought battle, defeated it and left it for dead.

My Real Half-Nekkid Identity

I have decided to take this Half-Nekkid Thursday to reveal my true identity.



That's right - I'm Mark Linn-Baker, TV's Larry Appleton from "Perfect Strangers."

You know you've wondered what ever happened to me. Well ... for the last 15 years I've been hiding from that fuckin' Balki. And that hasn't been easy because -- as you can see -- I have not aged at all.

What's Half Nekkid Thursday?