Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Larry King: Polygamist Wannabe

Tonight's Larry King show featured female members of the polygamist ranch that was raided by Texas authorities two weeks ago.

Larry repeatedly grilled three of the conservatively dressed women about the lifestyle on the ranch: men having multiple wives; old men having very young wives.

You just know Larry wants to be a polygamist so badly. The guy's been married seven times. His current wife is 26 years younger than him.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Happiness: Being Able To Pee When You Have To Pee

I often say happiness is being able to pee, when you have to pee. I also say marriage is the #1 cause of divorce, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Most people take for granted the ability to urinate when the urge presents itself; But for us crippled people, it's not always that easy in certain situations.

Whenever I would attend a concert by Motley Crue, Cinderella or whatever band kids are into these days, I would cautiously guzzle beer, knowing that the inevitable was coming: having to take a leak. I would look over the crowded venue, spotting the bathrooms a long, treacherous journey away. And like a crippled running back, plowing through a defensive line, I would fight my way through the crowd. After making it to the bathroom -- hopefully unscathed -- and relieving myself, I would make the same trip back to my seat, only to have to do it all over again 20 minutes later (they say you don't buy beer; you rent it). If the concert was past half over, I would just announce to my friends that I would not be returning and would meet them at the car. The same rule applies at sporting events: if I had to "go" early in the 4th quarter of a Suns game, I'd watch the remainder of the game from a TV in the hallway.

I have cursed God in the past: You took my legs; couldn't you have at least given me a super bladder?

However all that changed in April 2007 when I dropped $500 on a used mobility scooter (and $1.99 for the attachable beer holder).

When I went to college, my parents got me one of them but I refused to ride it because only the elderly and morbidly obese women shopping at Wal-mart used them.

But now I am older and, while I'm not wiser, I hate people more and care less how they look at me. So last year, before a trip to Las Vegas, I bought a slightly banged up Go-Go mobility scooter. It was the best $500 I ever spent (not counting money spent at a strip club, of course).

The scooter conveniently breaks down into four insanely heavy pieces and fits nicely into my trunk. I attached a beverage holder on the handlebars so I could adhere to the same rules I follow in my car: keep both hands on the wheel, when drinking and driving.

This past week my scooter and I attended a Bret Michaels concert at an outdoor venue. I drank one Michelob Ultra after another, completely unconcerned over how many times I'd have to visit the porta-potties (They even have handicap-accessible ones I can drive my scooter inside; but I just parked outside.) When Bret announced "here's a song from my new album," I turned the key on, cranked the speed up to "Rabbit" (it has "Rabbit" or "Turtle") and began tearing through the crowd at 4.25 mph. People either moved out of my way or their toes paid the price. I was back at the show before the opening chords to Talk Dirty To Me.

Being able to pee when you gotta pee ... priceless.

Friday, April 04, 2008


I hate when an NBA commentator describes a play in which one player out-battles another for a rebound by saying "he just wanted the ball more." That's just stupid.

The only dumber comment said during a basketball is anything Bill Walton says.