Monday, December 22, 2008

In the 70's, Sears Kicked Ass!

I was in Sears a few months ago and saw lawn mowers, hot water heaters and dozens of cordless drills. But I didn't see anything as cool this bar, found in Sears' 1979 Christmas catalog!

So 30 years ago, for $300-some, I could have walked out of Sears with this kick-ass bar!

Browse nearly all Sears' catalogs at and see why Sears, at one time, sold every product known to man.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Karma, I laugh in your face

Today I was walking into a store when a man approached me in the parking lot and asked if I could give him a dollar so he could ride the bus. I told him I had no cash. That was a lie -- I had $28 on me including several dollar bills. Right when I got into the store, guess what I found on the floor. That's right -- a dollar bill, which I scooped up and continued on my merry way.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Sobriety isn't cheap

Every couple of years I go through periods of sobriety. They are always short-lived and are usually triggered just to make sure I'm not an alcoholic.

I am currently at the tail end of one due to a lingering mystery illness that has made me a recluse the past two weeks. I met some friends for happy hour yesterday and to ease my way back into society, I spent the evening sipping on cranberry juice (no vodka).

It was kind of nice: an evening out and I'll save some money; surely drinking juice is cheaper than drinking alcohol. Wrong! At The Keg Steakhouse a cranberry juice costs twice as much as a beer.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Burning the midnight oil

You ever notice that, in TV and movies, when someone is working at the office late at night, they always have the lights off, except for maybe a lone desk lamp. Why? Are they not allowed to keep the lights on past 5:00?

I'm going to add this to the list of of things in TV and movies that bother me.


Being cooped up in your house for the better part of four days will make you do things you normally wouldn't do, watch movies you would normally not watch.

I just watched "Duets," the 2000 blockbuster starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Giamatti and Huey Lewis, among others.

The whole movie is about karaoke... yes, karaoke. Huey Lewis plays a karaoke hustler... yes, a karaoke hustler. He travels the country hustling other karaoke singers and winning prize money by performing different blues-style songs. I don't know why he just doesn't sing "Hip To Be Square" or "I Want A New Drug."

Gwyneth plays Huey's daughter. In between singing two songs, she has a few dozen incredibly retarded lines.

I think this movie ruined it for any future karaoke-themed movies. Although, it is the best Huey Lewis movie I've seen in years.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Cellphones for morons

I'm an absolute moron who can't use regular cellphones with their fancy buttons and sorcery-like technology. Thank you, Jitterbug.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Velcro Shoes

When I was younger -- elementary and junior high school -- I would frequently wear Velcro shoes; They were a lot easier for me to put on and take off. But back then they were somewhat fashionable; Huge shoe companies -- well, Puma, at least -- had them flying off the shelves.

Throughout my high school and college years nobody wore Velcro anymore. I tried to fit in as much as possible so I quit wearing them too -- like nobody noticed I was crippled when I was wearing my Reebok Pumps.

Being in my mid-30s I am even less limber than I used to be; It is quite difficult to reach down past my ankles. If I drop money, I won't even to attempt retrieve it, unless it's over a dollar. So tying regular shoes has become a time-consuming chore every day. And years ago I quit caring what people think and quit trying to look cool; I should have realized it wasn't working when I took this picture in 1991.

Now these days I am sporting a couple pair of Velcro shoes (still readily available at Wal-mart), and I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm just waiting for the "Don Johnson" look to come back so I no longer need to wear socks.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Nothing good ever comes from these tubes

This guy from Louisiana wants to pay poor women $1,000 to get their tubes tied. Yes -- this is one of the better ideas I have ever heard! Nothing is more annoying to me than kids, and poor kids are the most annoying.

I wish John McCain would have picked this obscure Republican for his VP instead of that other obscure Republican.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Still Crippled

The Department of Transportation has issued me a new handicapped parking permit good until 2013.

Looks like I'm crippled for another five years. Oh well, better luck next time.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I Saw Nicholas Cage This Weekend

And I've seen him every weekend for as far back as I can remember, all thanks to TBS and TNT and their tendency to show "Con Air" and "The Rock" every Saturday afternoon.

I challenge all my readers -- that's right, you and the other guy -- to find a weekend where one of these two movies are not airing somewhere on extended-basic cable.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Larry King: Polygamist Wannabe

Tonight's Larry King show featured female members of the polygamist ranch that was raided by Texas authorities two weeks ago.

Larry repeatedly grilled three of the conservatively dressed women about the lifestyle on the ranch: men having multiple wives; old men having very young wives.

You just know Larry wants to be a polygamist so badly. The guy's been married seven times. His current wife is 26 years younger than him.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Happiness: Being Able To Pee When You Have To Pee

I often say happiness is being able to pee, when you have to pee. I also say marriage is the #1 cause of divorce, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Most people take for granted the ability to urinate when the urge presents itself; But for us crippled people, it's not always that easy in certain situations.

Whenever I would attend a concert by Motley Crue, Cinderella or whatever band kids are into these days, I would cautiously guzzle beer, knowing that the inevitable was coming: having to take a leak. I would look over the crowded venue, spotting the bathrooms a long, treacherous journey away. And like a crippled running back, plowing through a defensive line, I would fight my way through the crowd. After making it to the bathroom -- hopefully unscathed -- and relieving myself, I would make the same trip back to my seat, only to have to do it all over again 20 minutes later (they say you don't buy beer; you rent it). If the concert was past half over, I would just announce to my friends that I would not be returning and would meet them at the car. The same rule applies at sporting events: if I had to "go" early in the 4th quarter of a Suns game, I'd watch the remainder of the game from a TV in the hallway.

I have cursed God in the past: You took my legs; couldn't you have at least given me a super bladder?

However all that changed in April 2007 when I dropped $500 on a used mobility scooter (and $1.99 for the attachable beer holder).

When I went to college, my parents got me one of them but I refused to ride it because only the elderly and morbidly obese women shopping at Wal-mart used them.

But now I am older and, while I'm not wiser, I hate people more and care less how they look at me. So last year, before a trip to Las Vegas, I bought a slightly banged up Go-Go mobility scooter. It was the best $500 I ever spent (not counting money spent at a strip club, of course).

The scooter conveniently breaks down into four insanely heavy pieces and fits nicely into my trunk. I attached a beverage holder on the handlebars so I could adhere to the same rules I follow in my car: keep both hands on the wheel, when drinking and driving.

This past week my scooter and I attended a Bret Michaels concert at an outdoor venue. I drank one Michelob Ultra after another, completely unconcerned over how many times I'd have to visit the porta-potties (They even have handicap-accessible ones I can drive my scooter inside; but I just parked outside.) When Bret announced "here's a song from my new album," I turned the key on, cranked the speed up to "Rabbit" (it has "Rabbit" or "Turtle") and began tearing through the crowd at 4.25 mph. People either moved out of my way or their toes paid the price. I was back at the show before the opening chords to Talk Dirty To Me.

Being able to pee when you gotta pee ... priceless.

Friday, April 04, 2008


I hate when an NBA commentator describes a play in which one player out-battles another for a rebound by saying "he just wanted the ball more." That's just stupid.

The only dumber comment said during a basketball is anything Bill Walton says.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Whatever happened to Christmas catalogs?

This guy found a few hundred hours of free time and scanned Christmas catalogs from the 40s through the 80s.

I remember, as a kid, flipping through the various Christmas catalogs, constructing my list for Santa. Browsing this 1982 Sears catalog brought me back to a different time, a simpler time. A time when $15.99 got you a really neat digital watch. A time when a 25" console TV was the cornerstone of any good home theater. And and a time when Sears carried every conceivable product known to man.

For only $2,200 you could buy a video camera and make movies like a pro. For convenient playback you also got a VCR strapped to your back.

And if portability is your thing, for only 80 bucks you could buy a Mini Stereo and listen to your favorite AM and FM broadcasts, and your Asia and Foreigner tapes on the go.

Nothing says I'm a dork, please kick my ass like listening to your AM radio watch.

Apparently Sears used to carry a full line of sleepwear for Amish women.

Now I can barely remember 1982, but I definitely don't remember any men wearing these:

You younger kids are probably not aware of this, but 25 years ago TVs were made of wood. Not only could you watch your favorite programs on these sets, you could also serve a buffet dinner on them.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Friday, March 21, 2008

Iraq Porn

From my early archives:

Thursday, March 20, 2008

This Made the News?

Cable TV's The History Channel changes its name to just History

Scoliosis: The Plague of 1986

As I have previously written, I grew up in a tiny North Dakota village. Throughout all my years of school I basically had the same 15 classmates. All grades -- kindergarten through senior class -- went to the same school. As a senior I would eat lunch in the cafeteria, a few tables away from my 4th grade sister. The entire school had only a hundred-some students.

This was a small town -- a small town with a horrific epidemic: Scoliosis.

As elementary students, we were tested for scoliosis every week. Ok, it may have only been once a year but in my alcohol-blurred memory, we were being tested all the time.

The girls and boys would separate and wait in lines to be screened. When it was your turn, you would remove your shirt, take a seat and lean forward. Then someone who supposedly had some sort of medical expertise inspected your spine for a few seconds and determined whether you were going to live or die. I am sure the girls endured the same process, although I imagine it was much more erotic.

In later years (5 minutes ag0), I was able to research scoliosis and learn that it is a condition in which a person's spine is curved from side to side. In 1986 we just knew that if you didn't get tested, you were as good as dead.

I always thought I should have been excluded from scoliosis screening. As I also mentioned before, I have cerebral palsy. To a kid who didn't take his first steps until he was three and rarely could take five successful steps in a row, learning that your spine was curved didn't mean much. It would be like a cancer sufferer being diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

So here I am: a 33-year-old survivor of a once-fatal disease. And I am happy to report that all 15 of my classmates also survived. I hope that when I'm gone, people will say "There's a brave guy who didn't let his curved spine get him down. He let every other aspect of his life get him down, but not his spine."

My back hurts.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Drunken Thoughts on 'Jumper'

Over the weekend, I went to the movie "Jumper." It stars Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson, Samuel Jackson and -- for five minutes of the film -- Diane Lane.

In the movie, Hayden Christensen has the power to teleport himself anywhere in the world: one moment he's in his bedroom, seconds later he's in Rome. He bounces all over the world, robbing banks and banging chicks. And, for some reason, Samuel Jackson wants to kill him -- not sure why.

Anyway, back to this whole teleporting thing: What's the big deal? I do it all the time. One time I was in my living room watching TV with Girlfriend. We went into the bedroom to have sex, and a few extremely brief moments later I was back in the living room.

And in the blink of an eye, I can go from sitting on a bar stool at my local bar to the floor just below that bar stool. A friend suggested that I make a movie called "Faller." Playing the part of an inebriated me: Mr. Emilio Estevez. I could see it.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Saturday Night Live is a Not Funny Show

After a long week of laughing, it's nice to turn on Saturday Night Live and not have to worry about that for an hour and a half.

Things I Notice in TV and Movies and That, For Some Reason, Bother Me

The Office Bar
In TV and movies, executives often have bars in their offices. Drinks are poured with ice cubes from the ice bucket on the bar.

How do they keep the ice frozen and readily available? Does a secretary replenish the bucket every hour? And where are these companies that allow employees to drink at work?

I'll Have A Beer
A guy sits down at a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be?" The guy replies, "a beer." Moments later a bottle of beer arrives.

A good TV/movie bartender knows -- without asking -- what brand of beer the customer wants.

A family enjoys breakfast before the parents head to work and the children go to school. The morning sun is shining through the windows, dad sips coffee and reads the paper, and the children eat cereal while convincing mom that their homework is done.

What time of day do these people start work? When I get up, it's pitch black outside and there's no time to catch up on the news. If I'm lucky, I have time to brush both my top and bottom teeth before hitting the road.

Keep the Change
When movie characters take a cab ride, have you ever seen them ask for change when paying the fare? Nope -- they just toss the driver some money and get out, because they always have the exact currency to cover the fare plus tip, or they're perfectly happy paying $100 for a $15 ride.

Side Effects May Include Uncontrollable Fun

Sitting in my recliner, sipping coffee, watching "Beverly Hills 90210" -- my usual Saturday morning routine -- I catch a commercial for a drug called Mirapex. Assuming it's another ad for a hair loss solution or one for erectile dysfunction, I pay it little attention. But then I hear the warning that possible adverse effects may include uncontrollable gambling and hypersexuality.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. Rewind again. And again.

It turns out that Mirapex is a medication for treating Parkinson's disease and Restless Legs Syndrome. And after further research, I learned that side effects may indeed include compulsive gambling and an increased sex drive.

So the next time I find my drunken self in Vegas, I'll be armed with a weekend's supply of Mirapex -- gamblin' and screwin'! Sure, it may also cause dizziness and nausea, but Vegas alone usually causes that.

We Could All Learn From This Guy

Engagement ring ends up gone with the wind

Any of us guys who are looking to pop the question should:

a) put the ring in a helium balloon;
b) watch it float away;
c) walk away and enjoy the thrill, elation and overall relief that comes with dodging a bullet.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's whore is an aspiring musician -- a refreshing change from most of today's musicians who are aspiring whores.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm Going to Hell for my Excessive Wealth and Biological Research

Nobody knows how to ruin a good time like the folks over at the Vatican. First they outlaw gluttony and sloth and now they say I can't have excessive wealth or perform stem cell research.

I have jars full of dead fetuses; what am I going to do with those now?

The Vatican is updating the 7 Deadly Sins with new "Social Sins":

1. Bioethical violations such as birth control
2. Morally dubious experiments such as stem cell research
3. Drug abuse
4. Polluting the environment
5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
6. Excessive wealth
7. Creating poverty

Monday, March 10, 2008

When it Comes to Ice, I Don't Fuck Around

When one attains the status in life that I've achieved, it is perfectly normal to flaunt it: I now shop exclusively at Kohl's (Ross' Dress For Less is a distant memory of a poorer time), I am a regular diner at the upscale Outback Steakhouse down the street, I drive a pre-owned model of one of Chevrolet's finer sedans, and I buy gourmet ice.

I can't believe there was a time when I would actually take water and freeze it to make ice. How barbaric!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

This Just In: Matthew McConaughey Might Be A Moron

McConaughey to name son after favorite beer

His brother actually has a son named Miller Lyte, and now he wants to name his unborn child Bud to honor his favorite beer, Budweiser.

If I had a son, I'd probably name him 7&7 or White Russian.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Cellists Trying Real Hard To Be Cool

Do they get blow jobs backstage during the oboe solo?

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

HNT: 8-Bit Nudity

According to the man in charge of HNT, this week's theme is "I Love My Mac." Aside from my ancient iPod, I do not have any Apple products; but I do have an Atari 2600.


Death Can Not Contain Jeff Healey

Days after being struck down by cancer himself, Jeff Healey has apparently reached from beyond the grave to deal a similar blow to his "Road House" co-star Patrick Swayze.

Swayze Being Treated For Cancer

Monday, March 03, 2008

More Jeff Healey Coverage

I am really quite upset about the passing of Jeff Healey. If only I could have known that, when I caught "Road House" on TBS in January, it would be the last time I'd see him alive, I would have given him a proper tribute for his role in the best of all the Patrick Swayze movies.

With Healey's passing and the 2004 death of Ray Charles, only one of the Holy Trinity of blind musicians remains. And as Stevie Wonder foretold: "in the end, there can be only one."

Jeff Healey

Remember Jeff Healey? He's the blind guitarist and singer who scored a major 1988 hit with a song, ironically, called "Angel Eyes." He was also the leader of the house band at the Double Deuce roadside bar in the 1989 Patrick Swayze epic, "Road House."

Well, he's dead.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Any Job Worth Doing Would Not Be A Traffic Reporter

Since moving to our country's 5th largest metro area 11 years ago, I have woken most mornings and watched the local news, while brushing the previous night's whiskey from my teeth and deciding which shirt in my hamper has another good day left in it.

In an hour, I get local news and weather, and the "3 (or 4, 5 or 10, depending on your city) on Your Side" segment that warns us gullible consumers about mean businesses that prey upon our tendencies to hire unscrupulous plumbers or wire thousands of dollars to strangers in Nigeria.

The most worthless segment of the morning newscast has to be the traffic report. The traffic "reporter" shows up every few minutes to arm us for our commute. The "reporter" (I use the quotes to insinuate that this person -- who is usually female, well-endowed in the chestal region, and just slightly less attractive than the weather girl -- is probably a few credits shy of a journalism degree. Moving forward, I will discontinue the quotes; just imagine they are there.).

Let me start again: The reporter tells us traffic is backed up at the exact same places that it has been every morning since the invention of the car. And she (usually she) informs us of the fender bender on the corner of HalfWayAcrossTown Road and TenMilesAway Avenue. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I don't see the value of this information. By the time I get to this accident, it probably will have cleared but I will have hit two other accidents that were reported after I turned off the TV. Unless she announces an accident right outside my house, this information is completely worthless.

To accommodate the jet-setting executives, the traffic segment now includes the airport traffic report: "Due to weather, departure traffic destined to Chicago O'Hare is currently experiencing delays." Sounds like I better find a different way to make the 1,800 mile journey. Useless!

All you traffic reporters, don't fret over my rarely-listened-to opinion about your profession; you still provide more value than police sketch artists (Has a suspect really ever been identified from a pencil drawing?) and travel agents (My seven-year-old (I don't really have a seven-year-old) can book a flight.).

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Today In History

Is there a wonderful and powerful force in the universe that, on the first of March, gives vaginas the power to produce only the most exalted and magnificent of offspring?

I'm not sure, but there is evidence to support the theory: This day saw the birth of "Wings" actor, Tim Daly (1956); Hollywood mogul, Ron Howard (1954); Dirk Benedict (1945) -- "A-Team's" Templeton The Faceman Peck; and Canadian mega-star, Alan Thicke (1947).

Your Source For Disabled Guy Gay Porn

While analyzing the daily traffic that my site receives, I found that some web surfer happened upon by searching for "disabled guy gay porn."

I am happy to see that Google ranks my site 9th for this interesting subject. Now I'm off to contact the authorities; any person who is into disabled guy gay porn should probably be monitored.

Man Dies Doing Something That's Supposed To Make Him Die

An Austrian tourist died after being bitten by a shark while diving near the Bahamas in waters that had been baited with bloody fish parts to attract the predators.

Now, where did I put my sympathy? Hmm ... I guess I don't have any.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Phoenix Suns Look To Trade O'Neal For Marion

PHOENIX, AZ -- After losing 3 of 5 games since Shaquille O'Neal joined the team via a trade that sent Shawn Marion to the Miami Heat, the Phoenix Suns are looking to trade the 35-year-old center to the Heat for forward, Shawn Marion.

The Suns "run 'n' gun" style has produced much regular-season success, but has not led to success in the playoffs, which generally feature a slower, half-court style of game. On Feb. 6, they sent Marion and guard, Marcus Banks, to the Heat for 14-time all-star, O'Neal.

O'Neal's first game with Phoenix was a 130-124 loss to his former team, the Los Angeles Lakers. After an impressive win against the league-leading Boston Celtics, the Suns lost 2 of their next 4 games, including a humiliating 30-point loss to the Detroit Pistons.

With their Western Conference standings slipping and a difficult remaining schedule, Phoenix is looking for one more blockbuster trade to regain its dominance: Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat for Shawn Marion.

"We're looking to add some speed and versatility to our game," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "We feel that Shawn would be a perfect fit."

Suns guard, Steve Nash, said he would love to play with Marion and even called him personally to express his interest.

Miami has offered no public comment on the proposal but most sportswriters doubt the trade will happen, since the NBA trade deadline passed a week ago.

Suns GM, Steve Kerr, says that if the O'Neal-Marion trade doesn't happen, he already has a call into the Houston Rockets to see if they still have Charles Barkley and if they're interested in trading him.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Dear Wirthy

DEAR WIRTHY: I am a 47-year-old woman who has been married for 19 years to a good man. He's a good father and husband who doesn't even drink. So please tell me why I cannot stand him anymore -- his voice, his laugh and anything about him. I just want out, and I don't know why. Please tell me what to do. -- LET ME OUT

DEAR LET ME: You think you have it bad? Your husband's married to a 47-year-old. That can't be a treat. Look for him to start drinking very soon.

DEAR WIRTHY: What is the appropriate way to inform my family and friends that my wedding has been canceled. -- NOTTA BRIDE

DEAR NOTTA: Don't worry -- empty church, no minister, no bride, no groom -- they'll figure it out eventually.

DEAR WIRTHY: I'm 17 and have a 14-year-old sister who is mentally retarded. My mother recently asked me to promise that I'll always take care of her when she no longer can. I think it's unfair but Mom says it's my obligation because she's family. What do I do? -- BIG BROTHER

DEAR BIG BROTHER: If the time does come when your mother looks to you to continue caring for your retarded sister, simply take "sis" to the mall and leave; or put her on a bus to anywhere -- she'll never find her way back.

Cell Phones Prevent STD

A new study by a Cleveland research team (Cleveland -- Where all top research is performed.) says that cell phone use may decrease male fertility.

I keep a couple phones shoved down my pants at all time -- anything to prevent contracting the worst-ever Sexually Transmitted Disease ... fatherhood.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Air Force Pleased With Progressive Insurance After Crash

An Air Force pilot who crashed his B-2 Bomber Saturday said that he is very pleased with the service he received from Progressive Insurance.

Patrick West's stealth jet crashed on take-off at Anderson airbase in Guam. He and his co-pilot ejected safely.

After parachuting to the ground, West called his superior to inform him of the accident and then immediately placed a call to his Progressive Insurance agent, Stan Morton.

"I was a little shaken up. Anytime you're in an accident with a company vehicle, it's stressful." West said. "But Stan showed up within an hour and really put me at ease."

"He inspected the damage, filed my claim and took care of all the paperwork. He even got me a rental fighter plane. I was back at my office within an hour."

Morton said that the $1.2 billion aircraft is more than likely a total loss. The Air Force will be responsible for the $850 million deductible.

The Air Force chose Progressive for its insurance needs in 1998, after it was shown Progressive's rates and the rates of its competitors.

"Sometimes they're the lowest, sometimes they're not," said Colonel Karl McSparet, adding that, whenever possible, the Air Force takes advantage of good driver and multiple vehicle discounts.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Drunken Thoughts on the Academy Awards

Another Hollywood awards show. You know what that means: me, my laptop, and a bottle of $4 bottle of merlot.

So here are my drunken thoughts on the 80th Annual Academy Awards.

The first award, Achievement in Costume Design, went to "Elizabeth The Golden Age." "Transformers" wasn't even nominated. Dresses from the 1500s -- big frickin' deal. Did you see those robots? They were huge! And they changed into cars and helicopters and stuff. Now those were costumes!

The award for Whitest Person Ever goes to Anne Hathaway.

The award for Achievement in Make-up went to some movie "La Vie En Rose." C'mon! Do you know how much make-up is needed to make an actor look like a transforming robot? Whatever.

The nominees for Achievement in Visual Effects are "The Golden Compass," "Pirates of the Caribbean," and "Transformers". And the winner is ... "The Golden Compass?" Don't get me wrong -- a talking polar bear is pretty cool but, seriously, in "Transformers" I saw a Camaro turn into a giant, talking, ass-kicking robot!

When I saw that Hal Holbrook was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, I immediately thought that he died this past year. Then the camera showed him in the audience and, sadly, yes, he is dead.

There's an award for Best Live Action Short Film. What there should be is an award for Best Live Action Insufferably Long Film, because Friday night I started watching "The Assassination of Jesse James" and it just ended a few minutes ago.

Ruby Dee's performance in "American Gangster" earned her a nomination for Best Supporting Actress. Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait -- that was Kiki Dee. (I thought that was funny when I wrote it during my SAG Awards coverage, so I figured: what the hell.)

The accounting firm, PricewaterhouseCoopers, tabulates and certifies the votes for the Academy Awards. Anyone over there ever heard of a "space"? It's the thing you put between words, to separate one from the other. Anyone?

The awards for Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing went to "The Bourne Ultimatum". I remember walking out of the theater after seeing this film last summer and saying, "Now that's how a movie should be sound edited and sound mixed!"

The Best Actress in a Leading Role went to a woman I've never heard of, whose name I can't pronounce, for her work in a movie I've never heard of and, also, can not pronounce.

Damn my DVR finally caught up to real time, so now I have to listen to the remaining Best Song nominees.

The In Memoriam segment where they honor all the movie people who have died -- my favorite. The audience's level of applause indicates how important the person is: Harold Michelson, production designer for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" got no applause. Suzanne Pleshette received mild applause. But the Kodak Theatre could barely contain the applause for Heath Ledger, the most important actor of our time.

Amy Adams is presenting the award for Best Original Score . Eager to find out who the hell she is, I did a little internet research and stumbled upon something very disturbing: They're making Night at the Museum 2.

A little something I just learned: With two Oscar wins, Tom Hanks has only one more Academy award than Cuba Gooding, Jr. That doesn't quite seem right. And sadly, Carl Weathers has never even been nominated.

Diablo Cody, a former stripper, won the Best Original Screenplay for "Juno." Next time I'm getting a lap dance from Sierra, Asia, Destiny or some other young woman working her way through medical school (or law school or hypnotist school), maybe I'll actually believe her.

The Best Director award went to the Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, for "No Country For Old Men." My brother and I used to dominate at Golden Tee at a Bennigan's down the street but, other than that, we've accomplished nothing together.

Oh drunk, going to bed now.