Drunken Thoughts on the Academy Awards

Another Hollywood awards show. You know what that means: me, my laptop, and a bottle of $4 bottle of merlot.

So here are my drunken thoughts on the 80th Annual Academy Awards.

The first award, Achievement in Costume Design, went to "Elizabeth The Golden Age." "Transformers" wasn't even nominated. Dresses from the 1500s -- big frickin' deal. Did you see those robots? They were huge! And they changed into cars and helicopters and stuff. Now those were costumes!

The award for Whitest Person Ever goes to Anne Hathaway.



The award for Achievement in Make-up went to some movie "La Vie En Rose." C'mon! Do you know how much make-up is needed to make an actor look like a transforming robot? Whatever.

The nominees for Achievement in Visual Effects are "The Golden Compass," "Pirates of the Caribbean," and "Transformers". And the winner is ... "The Golden Compass?" Don't get me wrong -- a talking polar bear is pretty cool but, seriously, in "Transformers" I saw a Camaro turn into a giant, talking, ass-kicking robot!

When I saw that Hal Holbrook was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, I immediately thought that he died this past year. Then the camera showed him in the audience and, sadly, yes, he is dead.




There's an award for Best Live Action Short Film. What there should be is an award for Best Live Action Insufferably Long Film, because Friday night I started watching "The Assassination of Jesse James" and it just ended a few minutes ago.

Ruby Dee's performance in "American Gangster" earned her a nomination for Best Supporting Actress. Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait -- that was Kiki Dee. (I thought that was funny when I wrote it during my SAG Awards coverage, so I figured: what the hell.)

The accounting firm, PricewaterhouseCoopers, tabulates and certifies the votes for the Academy Awards. Anyone over there ever heard of a "space"? It's the thing you put between words, to separate one from the other. Anyone?

The awards for Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing went to "The Bourne Ultimatum". I remember walking out of the theater after seeing this film last summer and saying, "Now that's how a movie should be sound edited and sound mixed!"

The Best Actress in a Leading Role went to a woman I've never heard of, whose name I can't pronounce, for her work in a movie I've never heard of and, also, can not pronounce.



Damn my DVR finally caught up to real time, so now I have to listen to the remaining Best Song nominees.

The In Memoriam segment where they honor all the movie people who have died -- my favorite. The audience's level of applause indicates how important the person is: Harold Michelson, production designer for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" got no applause. Suzanne Pleshette received mild applause. But the Kodak Theatre could barely contain the applause for Heath Ledger, the most important actor of our time.

Amy Adams is presenting the award for Best Original Score . Eager to find out who the hell she is, I did a little internet research and stumbled upon something very disturbing: They're making Night at the Museum 2.

A little something I just learned: With two Oscar wins, Tom Hanks has only one more Academy award than Cuba Gooding, Jr. That doesn't quite seem right. And sadly, Carl Weathers has never even been nominated.

Diablo Cody, a former stripper, won the Best Original Screenplay for "Juno." Next time I'm getting a lap dance from Sierra, Asia, Destiny or some other young woman working her way through medical school (or law school or hypnotist school), maybe I'll actually believe her.

The Best Director award went to the Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, for "No Country For Old Men." My brother and I used to dominate at Golden Tee at a Bennigan's down the street but, other than that, we've accomplished nothing together.

Oh drunk, going to bed now.