Saturday, December 31, 2005

Running out of time

2005 is almost over. I have fewer than 12 hours to accomplish my goals for the year.

It's going to be hard because what are the odds that I even run into Lindsay Lohan today? And I am over $50,000 short of 100 grand for the year. That kind of money is going to be tough to make in one afternoon.

I did achieve some of my goals. Unless it happens today, I've again succesfully not knocked anyone up for another year. And I don't hear wedding bells in the near, 12-hour, future.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


Holy shit! What a mess! I just spilled a full screwdriver.

It's amazing how much of a mess it made. There's ice, vodka and orange juice everywhere!

So I sopped up the mess with a bath towel and then pulled out the Swiffer. Normally I wait til I'm alone, in bed, to pull out my Swiffer, but this was an emergency.

After about 20 minutes, I had the mess cleaned up. But that's when the real horror hit: that was the last of my vodka! Grrrrrrr!

Ok, it wasn't a huge disaster. I still have plenty of whiskey.

By the way, lately I've been experimenting with "social drinking." But fuck you social drinking. Tonight I dance with my old friend "anti-social problem drinking."

Best of HNT

The Master of HNT has declared this final week of 2005 The Best of HNT. This is good since I didn't have anything prepared.

This is my favorite HNT entry because, well, it's the only one I put more than 20 minutes of thought into.

This cannot end well:

Guidelines for "Half-Nekkid Thursday"
My HNT Archive

Time...ain't it a bitch?

Here's a picture of Ace Frehley from KISS, taken just last week.

Just the news I was waiting for!

Our celebrities just keep getting dumber and dumber.

Married for 15 months. Take 8 months off. Get engaged. Why not?

Report: Tori Spelling engaged again

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

How healthy are screwdrivers?

As sick as I was yesterday, once 3:00pm hit, like clock-work, I started feeling better. I jumped in the shower, lined up a few friends and was at the bar by 3:30.

But since I wasn't 100%, I didn't think it would be a wise to sit in a bar all afternoon/evening, drinking beer. So instead I drank screwdrivers, which, to me, is a health drink.

After a couple hours, my friends had to go so I also left. But as soon as I got home, another friend called, so back to the bar I went. But this time I only stayed for about 5 1/2 hours.

I only had four drinks between 7:00 - midnight so, as the Hangover Meter indicates, I'm not hungover. Plus I didn't get up till after 9:00am. How hungover could I be?

Monday, December 26, 2005

Like shit, I feel

For this post, the Drunk Meter below is actually a Sick Meter.

My first day of vacation and I feel like shit. My legs feel like I just walked a half-mile (for me, that's a lot). My back feels like I got hit by a car (not that I know what that exactly feels like). My head has that familiar throbbing that I normally only experience after spending a night with whiskey.

I didn't get out of bed until 11:30am and now am on the couch, where I plan to spend a couple more hours.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Today in history

0001 - Jesus was born. After listening to Mary bitch about having to give birth in a barn, and not fully believing her immaculate conception story, Joseph took off on a three-day drinking binge.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

You might be dating a moron if...

Woman swallows cell phone to end fight

Today in history

1971 - Ricky Martin was born. Remember when he used to be famous?

Friday, December 23, 2005

No work till next year

Today is my last work-from-home-Friday of the year. Actually it is my last work day of the year. I will be taking the remainder of 2005 off from the hectic world of postcard designing.

I used to treat work-from-home-days more like regular work days. I would be showered, dressed and at my computer by 7:00am. I am still at "work" by 7 but lately I've been getting up at 6:55, falling out of bed and crawling to my couch just in time to punch in. Then I spend the next hour or so fading in and out of consciousness, trying to not drool on my keyboard.

It's noon! I'm officially closing up shop. Time to take a shower and hit the bar.

Today in history

1959 - Chuck Berry was arrested for transporting a minor across a state line for an immoral purpose. C'mon, who hasn't?

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Hello my old friend

After taking Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off from drinking (Saturday night was very very bad), I welcomed alcohol back into my life last night.

I spent a few hours at my local bar, Chuys, and guess who I saw there...Santa! He asked what I wanted for Christmas but, after a few minutes, I realized that he just wanted me to sit on his lap.

When I got home I had a few 7-7s. Oh, it was good to be drunk again!

While at another bar today, I got the call to go to the Phoenix Coyotes - San Jose Sharks. I'm not a big hockey fan but I am a strip club fan and that often follows hockey games. But tonight we had kids with us and they didn't want to wait in the parking lot. So no titty bar tonight.

Today in history (HNT post below)

1958 - This song (REAL Audio format) was #1 on the music charts.

Better to give than to receive HNT

The President of Half-Nekkid Thursday has changed the rules this week. Instead of posting a half-nekkid photo, we are to give gifts to three other HNTers. So here we go:

* ! Libraaaa ! * commented on my previous HNT posting that she wanted a RoboWirthy. So here you go girl. Caution: not for children under 5, as some parts are small, very small.

Click on image to enlarge

Blonde loves T-shirts so much so I am giving her a Wirthy T-shirt to douse with water.

Since Heather lives in Canada, I am giving her a parka and the best Canadian move ever, Strange Brew.

My HNT Archive

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Power lunch

I just got back from an "office" lunch. Usually I refrain from socializing with coworkers, or even talking to them, but the boss wanted to take us out to for a holiday lunch.

It wasn't as bad as I imagined. I got a free salmon meal and a box of Godiva chocolates. Plus, the champagne flowed like, well, champagne. And it was a two hour lunch, which is only about 15 minutes shorter than my normal lunch break.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image to read story


Strike shuts down NYC transit system

"Transit workers are tired of being underappreciated and disrespected," said TWU President Roger Toussaint.

Since when did anyone assume that a bus driver was going to get a lot of respect? Shut up and drive your goddamn bus.

Today in history

1945 - Peter Criss was born, making him umm...uh...mmm. Let's just say he should have never taken off the makeup.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Weezer guy brings shame to his profession

Weezer Singer Continues Vow of Celibacy

He's a sorry excuse for a rockstar! What would Tommy Lee or Gene Simmons say? This guy needs to ditch the glasses, grow his hair and grab some bitches.

Check it out - 10:30pm and I'm sober:

Christmas card

Here is my Christmas card for this year. It's admittedly not as good as previous years but this shit is hard to come up with.

Click image for full size

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image to read story

Today in history

1972 - Alyssa Milano was born. Want to see her naked?

An alcohol free Sunday

People who drink a lot occasionally see subtle signs that they are drinking too much. The fact that I spent part of Saturday night sleeping on my garage floor may be one of those signs, although that wasn't very subtle.

I made it into my bed by 4:30am and slept for many more hours. The afternoon was spent watching off and on TV watching and sleeping. Perhaps I need a little holiday from the booze.

Last night I went to a Christmas party hosted by and at the bar I frequent. For weeks, I assumed I would be taking this morning off from work or showing up late but I drank only water and was home by 10:00pm.

I also never thought I'd see the Hangover Meter register "I Love Mornings. "

Saturday, December 17, 2005

These are a few of my favorite things

I don't give a fuck about whiskers on kittens.

Vodka in Red Bull and strippers on cocaine;
Whiskey at night and beer in the morning;
Work-from-home-Fridays with no real working;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Porn on the web and ugly divorces;
X-rated movies and legalized whores;
DUI reduced to reckless driving;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Outback Steakhouse's Alaskan King Crab;
Friends that I drink with who pick up the tab;
When people die while they are hiking;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the kids scream;
When the wives bitch;
When I'm feeling sad;
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Somebody likes me

While skimming over the comments left on my most recent Half-Nekkid Thursday entry, I came across this one:

Definately the best HNTs are by you! You are a friggin' genuis...


It doesn't even bother me that, out of the 12 words, 2 of them are misspelled, including 'genius.' Thanks Biff .

Just a couple months ago, I was averaging about 300 visitors each day. But now, due to my own laziness, I'm only getting a little over 200. My goal is to get back over 300. I will do this by spending less time on things like relationships and work and allocating that time to drinking and typing shit.

I was wondering about this just the other day

Why Executions Happen at Midnight

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image to read story

Today in history

1996 - I graduated from the University of North Dakota (pretty prestigious, huh?) with a Bachelors degree in Communications and set off to make my fortune.

1997 - I am barely employed.

1999 - I am making $6.50/hour.

2000 - I am almost homeless.

2003 - I am earning enough to own a miniature house, pay some of my bills and drink whenever I want, all while only working about 25 hours/week.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

This should have been my Christmas card

I'm drunk. I got my whiskey. I got Doritos (that can is actually empty). Hey, look, there's my Christmas tree in the background.

Best article I've read in a while

Driver ticketed in carpool lane cites fetus as passenger

Tuesday, December 13, 2005