Monday, December 31, 2007

This was funny when I was 10

But every year, I hear someone say it.

Aren't you that guy...?

Yesterday I took in the Arizona Cardinals Vs. St. Louis Rams game. I was constantly asked "Aren't you that guy who was on 'To Catch A Predator'?" or "Are you the one who knocked up Britney Spears' sister?"

I walk like the crippled guy in my post below (A guy with Cerebral Palsy on 'To Catch a Predator'). However unlike my Cerebral Palsy bro, I don't have sex with teenagers - not even when I was a teenager.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

A guy with Cerebral Palsy on 'To Catch a Predator'

I'm always excited when a fellow disabled guy makes it big. First there was Corky, the retarded kid on "Life Goes On" and now a fellow Cerebral Palsy sufferer is featured on "Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator".

If you're not familiar with the show, it is a series of hidden camera investigations devoted to busting child sex abusers. Predators are invited to an undercover house and are led to believe they're going to have sex with a minor. Then Dateline correspondent Chris Hansen jumps out of a closet and cock blocks them.

CLICK HERE to watch the video of the crippled guy getting busted.

This guy pretty much walks the same way I do. I feel bad for the guy. It's not easy for us crippleds to get laid. He probably should have just tried for a fat chick. Live and learn.

Check out this guy's name

Friday, December 28, 2007

Ozzy struggles with book

The first sentence of this article is hilarious!

Ozzy Osbourne struggles to write autobiography

Thursday, December 27, 2007

A hot chick from 1983 and a hot chick from 2003 are in some trouble

Rebecca De Mornay Charged With DUI

Mischa Barton jailed on drunken driving charge

It seems like just yesterday

You know how you look back on things in your past and ask "What the hell was I thinking?"?

Example - Senior High School Photo

I was just browsing through my blog to see what I was up to a year ago and realized that 364 days from tomorrow I was removing labels from beer bottles, rolling them up and sticking them in a bar glass.

Could I have been any cooler?

A Holiday Tradition

I have a strange tradition. Every year, around Christmas time, I watch the movie 'The Family Man'. I watch it alone and I watch it drunk.

I love this movie. Nicholas Cage plays a rich, successful, single guy who works in New York, has a nice apartment and drives a Ferrari. He somehow gets thrown into a less cool life where he lives in Jersey and is married to Tea Leoni with two kids.

But in the end, he magically emerges from this sad domestic, parental life and goes back to his normal kick-ass life. At the end of the movie, it appears he'll still be banging Tea Leoni but, at least for now, has no friggin' kids.

Make $1,000 in a month by writing about your lunch.

For bloggers, on-line ads beckon

Back in the day, I used to sometimes make as much as 5 cents/day!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Return to HNT

Back in my blogging prime, I used to participate in something called Half Nekkid Thursday. Then suddenly I gave it all up - all the comforts of a modern life. No more web sites, no more internet. I lived off the land. The earth was my bed. The sky, my blanket. I no longer got my pornography through a high speed cable line. It came from adult magazines and the lingerie section of JCPenneys catalogs, like in the old days.

But now I'm back! This week the Half Nekkid Thursdsay rules call for me to post my favorite entry of the year. But since I've been out of the loop for a while, so this is my favorite post of last year.

This Can't End Well

It's the gift that counts

Another Christmas is over and, while Santa continues to snub me because of that damn naughty/nice list, Girlfriend was very good to me. One of my gifts was a new digital camera. (I can finally throw away that Kodak Disc.)

I got Girlfriend a laptop computer. Now instead of being disgusted when I spend our 'alone' time watching free sample clips on barely legal sites, she can look at her own porn.

Two people got me shot glass sets. What do people think of me?

I bought myself a new home theater system. 'The Simpsons Movie' sounded great but, unfortunately 'Magnum P.I.' wasn't recorded in digital surround sound.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Shocking News: Raiders Fan Commits Crime

The upside to being the favorite football team of most of our country's criminals is all the free publicity.

Sexual Predator Caught On Surveillance Video

Thursday, December 20, 2007

C'mon Lee Majors, You're Better Than This

I've never seen this movie. A country singer, mountain man, sheriff, witch and orphans? What the hell?

Scientists in Israel have a lot of free time

Israeli Scientists Create The World's Smallest Bible

Just another thing the United States is falling behind in. I once had a pocket-sized bible. But a bible on a pinhead? No way!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

You can take the girl out of the trailer park but...

...she'll still get knocked up.

Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister pregnant

Happy Birthday to the finest

All of Hollywood is surely celebrating today the birthdays of some of our finest actors of all time.

T.C. from 'Magnum P.I.' (68)
Brad Pitt (44)
Ray Liotta (52)
Katie Holmes (29)

Monday, December 17, 2007

We are the champions - my friends

This year's Arizona Cardinals had many doubters. When golden-boy QB Matt Leinart went down early in the season, fans couldn't jump off the bandwagon fast enough. But behind the mighty arm of 65-year-old quarterback Kurt Warner, the Cards averaged almost 1 win per week, and played all the way into December before being eliminated from the playoffs.

...We are the Champions, of the World!

A portion of the proceeds goes to Cerebral Palsy

Is it any wonder there is still no cure?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I make fun of crippled people

Why is it that I feel like I can make fun of the handicapped? Because I am one of them.

Just like Jewish people can make Jewish jokes and black people can safely use the 'n word', I can say whatever I want about crippleds -- as long as they are white Christians.

All my life, I have had Cerebral Palsy. From what I was told, during birth I became entangled in the umbilical cord and lost oxygen for a while. To this day, I hate umbilical cords and avoid them at all costs.

So for the first few years of my life I didn't move much. Wherever my parents put me, I stayed until they put me somewhere else. I finally learned how to walk in some form, at age 3: step-step-step-fall-step-step-step-fall. It's a method I perfected and continued throughout my life. And to make matters worse, I grew up in North Dakota where a patch of ice appears every few feet.

Being crippled isn't all that bad. When I went to college, I realized I was kind of like a superhero. My power: a handicapped parking pass. You would be amazed at how popular you are when it's -15 outside and you can park 10 feet from any door. Years later I would learn that I possessed several other powers like having the ability to get really good seats at concerts and being able to bypass long lines at airport security.

Now that I'm older, the physical difference between me and my friends isn't as noticeable. In high school, all my friends played basketball and baseball which, of course, I couldn't do. But now none of my friends do those things. They mainly sit on bar stools, downing beer after beer -- something I am quite good at.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Nooooo! Not Pimp C!

Rapper Pimp C found dead

If your name is Pimp C, assume you probably will die soon.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

It wasn't a good week to be a former famous person

Quiet Riot Singer Kevin DuBrow Found Dead

Iconic daredevil Evel Knievel dies at 69

I like to think that God is making a reality show in heaven and was in need of some c-list celebs. Eric Estrada and Tootie from 'The Facts of Life' should be nervous.