Thursday, March 27, 2008

Whatever happened to Christmas catalogs?

This guy found a few hundred hours of free time and scanned Christmas catalogs from the 40s through the 80s.

I remember, as a kid, flipping through the various Christmas catalogs, constructing my list for Santa. Browsing this 1982 Sears catalog brought me back to a different time, a simpler time. A time when $15.99 got you a really neat digital watch. A time when a 25" console TV was the cornerstone of any good home theater. And and a time when Sears carried every conceivable product known to man.

For only $2,200 you could buy a video camera and make movies like a pro. For convenient playback you also got a VCR strapped to your back.

And if portability is your thing, for only 80 bucks you could buy a Mini Stereo and listen to your favorite AM and FM broadcasts, and your Asia and Foreigner tapes on the go.

Nothing says I'm a dork, please kick my ass like listening to your AM radio watch.

Apparently Sears used to carry a full line of sleepwear for Amish women.

Now I can barely remember 1982, but I definitely don't remember any men wearing these:

You younger kids are probably not aware of this, but 25 years ago TVs were made of wood. Not only could you watch your favorite programs on these sets, you could also serve a buffet dinner on them.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Friday, March 21, 2008

Iraq Porn

From my early archives:

Thursday, March 20, 2008

This Made the News?

Cable TV's The History Channel changes its name to just History

Scoliosis: The Plague of 1986

As I have previously written, I grew up in a tiny North Dakota village. Throughout all my years of school I basically had the same 15 classmates. All grades -- kindergarten through senior class -- went to the same school. As a senior I would eat lunch in the cafeteria, a few tables away from my 4th grade sister. The entire school had only a hundred-some students.

This was a small town -- a small town with a horrific epidemic: Scoliosis.

As elementary students, we were tested for scoliosis every week. Ok, it may have only been once a year but in my alcohol-blurred memory, we were being tested all the time.

The girls and boys would separate and wait in lines to be screened. When it was your turn, you would remove your shirt, take a seat and lean forward. Then someone who supposedly had some sort of medical expertise inspected your spine for a few seconds and determined whether you were going to live or die. I am sure the girls endured the same process, although I imagine it was much more erotic.

In later years (5 minutes ag0), I was able to research scoliosis and learn that it is a condition in which a person's spine is curved from side to side. In 1986 we just knew that if you didn't get tested, you were as good as dead.

I always thought I should have been excluded from scoliosis screening. As I also mentioned before, I have cerebral palsy. To a kid who didn't take his first steps until he was three and rarely could take five successful steps in a row, learning that your spine was curved didn't mean much. It would be like a cancer sufferer being diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

So here I am: a 33-year-old survivor of a once-fatal disease. And I am happy to report that all 15 of my classmates also survived. I hope that when I'm gone, people will say "There's a brave guy who didn't let his curved spine get him down. He let every other aspect of his life get him down, but not his spine."

My back hurts.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Drunken Thoughts on 'Jumper'

Over the weekend, I went to the movie "Jumper." It stars Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson, Samuel Jackson and -- for five minutes of the film -- Diane Lane.

In the movie, Hayden Christensen has the power to teleport himself anywhere in the world: one moment he's in his bedroom, seconds later he's in Rome. He bounces all over the world, robbing banks and banging chicks. And, for some reason, Samuel Jackson wants to kill him -- not sure why.

Anyway, back to this whole teleporting thing: What's the big deal? I do it all the time. One time I was in my living room watching TV with Girlfriend. We went into the bedroom to have sex, and a few extremely brief moments later I was back in the living room.

And in the blink of an eye, I can go from sitting on a bar stool at my local bar to the floor just below that bar stool. A friend suggested that I make a movie called "Faller." Playing the part of an inebriated me: Mr. Emilio Estevez. I could see it.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Saturday Night Live is a Not Funny Show

After a long week of laughing, it's nice to turn on Saturday Night Live and not have to worry about that for an hour and a half.

Things I Notice in TV and Movies and That, For Some Reason, Bother Me

The Office Bar
In TV and movies, executives often have bars in their offices. Drinks are poured with ice cubes from the ice bucket on the bar.

How do they keep the ice frozen and readily available? Does a secretary replenish the bucket every hour? And where are these companies that allow employees to drink at work?

I'll Have A Beer
A guy sits down at a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be?" The guy replies, "a beer." Moments later a bottle of beer arrives.

A good TV/movie bartender knows -- without asking -- what brand of beer the customer wants.

A family enjoys breakfast before the parents head to work and the children go to school. The morning sun is shining through the windows, dad sips coffee and reads the paper, and the children eat cereal while convincing mom that their homework is done.

What time of day do these people start work? When I get up, it's pitch black outside and there's no time to catch up on the news. If I'm lucky, I have time to brush both my top and bottom teeth before hitting the road.

Keep the Change
When movie characters take a cab ride, have you ever seen them ask for change when paying the fare? Nope -- they just toss the driver some money and get out, because they always have the exact currency to cover the fare plus tip, or they're perfectly happy paying $100 for a $15 ride.

Side Effects May Include Uncontrollable Fun

Sitting in my recliner, sipping coffee, watching "Beverly Hills 90210" -- my usual Saturday morning routine -- I catch a commercial for a drug called Mirapex. Assuming it's another ad for a hair loss solution or one for erectile dysfunction, I pay it little attention. But then I hear the warning that possible adverse effects may include uncontrollable gambling and hypersexuality.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. Rewind again. And again.

It turns out that Mirapex is a medication for treating Parkinson's disease and Restless Legs Syndrome. And after further research, I learned that side effects may indeed include compulsive gambling and an increased sex drive.

So the next time I find my drunken self in Vegas, I'll be armed with a weekend's supply of Mirapex -- gamblin' and screwin'! Sure, it may also cause dizziness and nausea, but Vegas alone usually causes that.

We Could All Learn From This Guy

Engagement ring ends up gone with the wind

Any of us guys who are looking to pop the question should:

a) put the ring in a helium balloon;
b) watch it float away;
c) walk away and enjoy the thrill, elation and overall relief that comes with dodging a bullet.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's whore is an aspiring musician -- a refreshing change from most of today's musicians who are aspiring whores.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm Going to Hell for my Excessive Wealth and Biological Research

Nobody knows how to ruin a good time like the folks over at the Vatican. First they outlaw gluttony and sloth and now they say I can't have excessive wealth or perform stem cell research.

I have jars full of dead fetuses; what am I going to do with those now?

The Vatican is updating the 7 Deadly Sins with new "Social Sins":

1. Bioethical violations such as birth control
2. Morally dubious experiments such as stem cell research
3. Drug abuse
4. Polluting the environment
5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
6. Excessive wealth
7. Creating poverty

Monday, March 10, 2008

When it Comes to Ice, I Don't Fuck Around

When one attains the status in life that I've achieved, it is perfectly normal to flaunt it: I now shop exclusively at Kohl's (Ross' Dress For Less is a distant memory of a poorer time), I am a regular diner at the upscale Outback Steakhouse down the street, I drive a pre-owned model of one of Chevrolet's finer sedans, and I buy gourmet ice.

I can't believe there was a time when I would actually take water and freeze it to make ice. How barbaric!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

This Just In: Matthew McConaughey Might Be A Moron

McConaughey to name son after favorite beer

His brother actually has a son named Miller Lyte, and now he wants to name his unborn child Bud to honor his favorite beer, Budweiser.

If I had a son, I'd probably name him 7&7 or White Russian.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Cellists Trying Real Hard To Be Cool

Do they get blow jobs backstage during the oboe solo?

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

HNT: 8-Bit Nudity

According to the man in charge of HNT, this week's theme is "I Love My Mac." Aside from my ancient iPod, I do not have any Apple products; but I do have an Atari 2600.


Death Can Not Contain Jeff Healey

Days after being struck down by cancer himself, Jeff Healey has apparently reached from beyond the grave to deal a similar blow to his "Road House" co-star Patrick Swayze.

Swayze Being Treated For Cancer

Monday, March 03, 2008

More Jeff Healey Coverage

I am really quite upset about the passing of Jeff Healey. If only I could have known that, when I caught "Road House" on TBS in January, it would be the last time I'd see him alive, I would have given him a proper tribute for his role in the best of all the Patrick Swayze movies.

With Healey's passing and the 2004 death of Ray Charles, only one of the Holy Trinity of blind musicians remains. And as Stevie Wonder foretold: "in the end, there can be only one."

Jeff Healey

Remember Jeff Healey? He's the blind guitarist and singer who scored a major 1988 hit with a song, ironically, called "Angel Eyes." He was also the leader of the house band at the Double Deuce roadside bar in the 1989 Patrick Swayze epic, "Road House."

Well, he's dead.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Any Job Worth Doing Would Not Be A Traffic Reporter

Since moving to our country's 5th largest metro area 11 years ago, I have woken most mornings and watched the local news, while brushing the previous night's whiskey from my teeth and deciding which shirt in my hamper has another good day left in it.

In an hour, I get local news and weather, and the "3 (or 4, 5 or 10, depending on your city) on Your Side" segment that warns us gullible consumers about mean businesses that prey upon our tendencies to hire unscrupulous plumbers or wire thousands of dollars to strangers in Nigeria.

The most worthless segment of the morning newscast has to be the traffic report. The traffic "reporter" shows up every few minutes to arm us for our commute. The "reporter" (I use the quotes to insinuate that this person -- who is usually female, well-endowed in the chestal region, and just slightly less attractive than the weather girl -- is probably a few credits shy of a journalism degree. Moving forward, I will discontinue the quotes; just imagine they are there.).

Let me start again: The reporter tells us traffic is backed up at the exact same places that it has been every morning since the invention of the car. And she (usually she) informs us of the fender bender on the corner of HalfWayAcrossTown Road and TenMilesAway Avenue. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I don't see the value of this information. By the time I get to this accident, it probably will have cleared but I will have hit two other accidents that were reported after I turned off the TV. Unless she announces an accident right outside my house, this information is completely worthless.

To accommodate the jet-setting executives, the traffic segment now includes the airport traffic report: "Due to weather, departure traffic destined to Chicago O'Hare is currently experiencing delays." Sounds like I better find a different way to make the 1,800 mile journey. Useless!

All you traffic reporters, don't fret over my rarely-listened-to opinion about your profession; you still provide more value than police sketch artists (Has a suspect really ever been identified from a pencil drawing?) and travel agents (My seven-year-old (I don't really have a seven-year-old) can book a flight.).

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Today In History

Is there a wonderful and powerful force in the universe that, on the first of March, gives vaginas the power to produce only the most exalted and magnificent of offspring?

I'm not sure, but there is evidence to support the theory: This day saw the birth of "Wings" actor, Tim Daly (1956); Hollywood mogul, Ron Howard (1954); Dirk Benedict (1945) -- "A-Team's" Templeton The Faceman Peck; and Canadian mega-star, Alan Thicke (1947).

Your Source For Disabled Guy Gay Porn

While analyzing the daily traffic that my site receives, I found that some web surfer happened upon by searching for "disabled guy gay porn."

I am happy to see that Google ranks my site 9th for this interesting subject. Now I'm off to contact the authorities; any person who is into disabled guy gay porn should probably be monitored.

Man Dies Doing Something That's Supposed To Make Him Die

An Austrian tourist died after being bitten by a shark while diving near the Bahamas in waters that had been baited with bloody fish parts to attract the predators.

Now, where did I put my sympathy? Hmm ... I guess I don't have any.