Any Job Worth Doing Would Not Be A Traffic Reporter

Since moving to our country's 5th largest metro area 11 years ago, I have woken most mornings and watched the local news, while brushing the previous night's whiskey from my teeth and deciding which shirt in my hamper has another good day left in it.

In an hour, I get local news and weather, and the "3 (or 4, 5 or 10, depending on your city) on Your Side" segment that warns us gullible consumers about mean businesses that prey upon our tendencies to hire unscrupulous plumbers or wire thousands of dollars to strangers in Nigeria.

The most worthless segment of the morning newscast has to be the traffic report. The traffic "reporter" shows up every few minutes to arm us for our commute. The "reporter" (I use the quotes to insinuate that this person -- who is usually female, well-endowed in the chestal region, and just slightly less attractive than the weather girl -- is probably a few credits shy of a journalism degree. Moving forward, I will discontinue the quotes; just imagine they are there.).

Let me start again: The reporter tells us traffic is backed up at the exact same places that it has been every morning since the invention of the car. And she (usually she) informs us of the fender bender on the corner of HalfWayAcrossTown Road and TenMilesAway Avenue. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I don't see the value of this information. By the time I get to this accident, it probably will have cleared but I will have hit two other accidents that were reported after I turned off the TV. Unless she announces an accident right outside my house, this information is completely worthless.

To accommodate the jet-setting executives, the traffic segment now includes the airport traffic report: "Due to weather, departure traffic destined to Chicago O'Hare is currently experiencing delays." Sounds like I better find a different way to make the 1,800 mile journey. Useless!

All you traffic reporters, don't fret over my rarely-listened-to opinion about your profession; you still provide more value than police sketch artists (Has a suspect really ever been identified from a pencil drawing?) and travel agents (My seven-year-old (I don't really have a seven-year-old) can book a flight.).