Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Into every life comes a little pussy

The day has finally come--a day that was five years in the making. Girlfriend has officially moved in with me--along with her cat.

Now, I'm not a cat-person; I'm not even pet-person. Come to think of it, I'm not much of a people-person, plant-person or unicellular-life-form-person. I don't want my furniture covered with hair or bowls of tuna-flavored mush on my kitchen floor; and if anyone is going to shit in a sand-filled box in my bathroom it's going to be me.

However, I made a deal with Girlfriend: if one of her two cats died, she could bring over the other one.

Now Girlfriend has essentially been living with me for several months, but she kept her nearby apartment solely for her cats (those felines enjoyed a spacious one-bedroom, one-bath with attached garage). While it may have been a waste of rent money, it was a small price to pay for my sanity. That sanity saw its final day last week, when one of the cats passed away, and in moved the surviving cat, Maxie.

So far it's not as bad as I feared, although there is a bowl of food on my kitchen floor and a box of sandy cat shit in my bathroom. I visit PetSmart often and continuously browse the internet for the latest, greatest pet hair magnet, sweeper or vacuum.

Maxie and I have a love-hate relationship: she hates me and I love that. She seems to be afraid of me and runs out the room whenever I enter, not unlike Girlfriend did when we began dating. So now I have a pet, for better of for worse. To be continued ...

Monday, September 14, 2009

Shit! We now live in a Swayze-less world.

It is with deep sadness I announce that at 6:28 this evening, in my Mesa, AZ, home, with my girlfriend at my side, I read an Associated Press article reporting the death of Patrick Swayze. He died of cancer.

As will every account of his death, this article labels "Dirty Dancing" and "Ghost" as the highlights of his acting career, but for me there are two other films that will always be classic Swayze: "Road House" and "Point Break."

In 1989's "Road House," Swayze ruled the Double Deuce bar with his quick fists and even quicker smile--a style of leadership and authority not often found in today's roadside bars. As an adolescent, I found confusion in the wonderful sex scene between Swayze and Kelly Lynch: I couldn't keep track of who was who--they had the exact same hair.

"Point Break" successfully assembled a magical combination of elements to create the perfect film: surfing, rubber masks of former Presidents, a pre-insane Gary Busey, Keanu Reeves jumping out of a plane with no parachute, and an extraordinary soundtrack featuring RATT's timeless "Nobody Rides For Free."

Tonight I mourn the loss of Patrick Swayze, but tomorrow I celebrate the life of Patrick Swayze. And this Saturday afternoon--as with nearly every Saturday afternoon--I will honor the career of Patrick Swayze when I turn on TBS (or TNT) to catch an airing of "Road House" or "Point Break", unless it's one of those Saturdays when Nicholas Cage's "The Rock" is on instead.

Click here to read my other "Road House"-related posts.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

As Seen On TV, at least 10 times today

Finally a product that will give your hair that I-have-an-enlarged-brain-tumor look!


Thursday, June 25, 2009

My Memory of Michael Jackson

As the world mourns the loss of Michael Jackson, I would like to take a few moments to share my fondest memory of the King of Pop.

When I was a young drunken cripple, I got a "Thriller" cassette. Then I went on to never buy another piece of Michael Jackson music ever again.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Chick Flick Sunday

I haven't had a good chick flick day since July 5, 2005 when I watched the epic drama "The Notebook." So, girlfriend and I were driving aimlessly around town and decided to take in "The Proposal."

I'll admit, this one was not too bad. It's a romantic comedy about Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds pretending to be engaged but they can only communicate through a magic mailbox at a lake house.

It also stars Betty White who reprises her role as Ancient White-haired Lady, a character she made famous decades ago in the hit sitcom, "The Golden Girls."

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Big Movie Saturday

Yesterday was a big movie day for girlfriend and me. We took in a matinee showing of the hilarious "The Hangover" and then were going to rent the critically acclaimed Clint Eastwood movie, "Gran Torino." Roger Ebert says this film is "about the belated flowering of a man's better nature. And it's about Americans of different races growing more open to one another in the new century." Unfortunately, it was all rented out so we had to settle for "Paul Blart Mall Cop." It's about Paul Blart, a mall cop.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

An Age-Old Question

If a team wins a championship in a sport no one cares about, did they really win?

Monday, June 08, 2009

Movies I Refuse to See, Based Only on Their Titles

"The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"
"Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever"
"To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar"
"How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
"27 Dresses"

And the one that I should have known enough to avoid: "I Heart Huckabees." That was 106 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Where the hell is Dyan Cannon?

While flipping through the channels tonight, I came across "Caddyshack II" on the World's Shittiest Movie Channel. I watched 30 seconds of it and then switched to an episode of "Quantum Leap." But before embarking on another time-traveling adventure with Sam Beckett and his hologram buddy, Al, I caught a glimpse of one of "Caddyshack II's" stars, Dyan Cannon. And I got to thinking: Where the hell is Dyan Cannon?

I've watched nearly every LA Lakers playoff game this season and, as much as I can remember, I haven't seen Dyan once. She's normally seated along the baseline, just around the corner from Jack Nicholson. Jack's been there, as has Denzel and Marky Mark; but no Dyan.

Maybe those royalties from "Caddyshack" and that one episode of "The Practice" in 1998 finally dried up and Lakers tickets are no longer in the budget.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Groom Spared a Lifetime of Hell For Just Four Years In Prison

Alabama man jailed in scuba honeymoon death

This guy was facing a lifetime of marital hell but now he'll be a free man in just over four years.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

My New Ride

I'll admit it: I am stuck in the 80s. A room in my house is dedicated to the decade, complete with an 80s arcade game, Atari 2600, original Nintendo Gameboy, and 76ers-era Charles Barkley jersey. My DVR is full of "MacGyver," "Magnum P.I.," and "Quantum Leap" episodes. My iPod exclusively plays hair metal bands such as Motley Crue, RATT and Winger.

Now I have an 80s car: a 1986 Pontiac Fiero. It takes me a few minutes to get my crippled ass in and out of it, but that's a small price to pay for cruising around in 80s style.

The Fall of Woody

Today, while killing some time between the start of work and the end of work, I stumbled upon a fascinating article about Lindsay Lohan being ordered to gain weight for her next film role. What fascinated me about the article had nothing to do with Lindsay's weight; it was the sad truth that this upcoming movie, "The Other Side," also stars Woody Harrelson.

Not so long ago, Woody was in winning Emmys in one of the all-time best sitcoms, "Cheers"; he was in "Indecent Proposal" with Robert Redford; he starred in box office hits "White Men Can't Jump" and "Kingpin"; and he earned a Best Actor Academy Award nomination for "The People vs. Larry Flynt." Now he's making a movie that stars not only Lohan but also boasts Kieran Culkin (Macaulay's brother), Alanis Morissette and Dave Matthews in the cast.

Poor Woody, where did it all go wrong? Probably sometime around 1999's "Edtv." Regardless, I am sure I share the hope of a country that Woody will soon reclaim his spot at the top of the entertainment world. And I know exactly how he can do it: "The Cowboy Way 2."

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Hmm... Interesting idea

Saudi judge: Husbands are allowed to slap their wives if they spend lavishly

If this was allowed here in the States, most of the women I know would like like this:

Friday, May 08, 2009

Priest likes to have sex with WOMAN!

The church finally gets a priest who isn't into young boys and they fire him.

The Father Cutie Scandal

Monday, February 09, 2009

How do you fix a broken heart?

In the last couple of months I have been going through some tests on my heart. The results are troublesome: While the part of my heart that pumps blood throughout my body is working fine, the part that shows love and compassion is severely damaged.

So in addition to having two legs that barely work, I now have a crippled heart. Tomorrow morning I will undergo a procedure to repair my heart. If all goes as planned, I may awake to find that I love children and pets and no longer hate nearly everyone I meet. But I'm not counting on that.