Friday, May 26, 2006
Judge: Vertically-challenged child molester wouldn't survive prison
This guy avoided prison for sexually assaulting a kid because he is only 5' 1". I'm only about six inches taller. I should at least be able to get away with armed robbery or indecent exposure.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
I am sitting in my office, looking out the window at the parking lot where a vehicle's alarm is going off. Why do we say car alarms "go off" when they are not "off," they are "on." Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that car alarms "go on?"
Wow, I am really coming through with some quality, entertaining entries lately!
Monday, May 22, 2006
True Hollywood Story: Charles In Charge
Nevertheless, for an hour last night I parked my ass in front of the TV and guzzled whiskey while learning all about this 80's classic.
After the booze haze cleared, here's what I remember:
Willie Aames' career eventually led him to becoming Bibleman - a human transformed by the word of God who fights injustice with, what else, the word of God.
At his first trip to the Playboy Mansion, Scott Baio was awestruck for 20 minutes before taking off his pants.
Nicole Eggert was nearly left paralyzed from a snowmobile accident. She got boob implants and then had them removed.
Half-way through the show, a bug landed in my whiskey glass and drowned. That's the way I want to go.
The younger uglier girl, Josie Davis, went from this to this.
Scott Baio never banged Nicole Eggert. He said they "hung out" after the show ended but that's all. Sure, Chachi. Whatever you say.
Josie Davis' first kiss was with Paul Walker who did an episode of Charles before becoming super famous with those Fast and Furious movies.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
This article from 2002 reports that McCartney's kids "were upset about the wedding, believing Mills was latching on to their dad's money and fame."
This is why I'll never marry. NOBODY is taken a quarter of my fortune! I'll be damned if I'm going to give some woman $936.21.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
This weekend I watched an interesting show on A&E about how the Bible may contain codes and secrets that predict the future. So I decided to look into this further. I got out my Bible (yeah, like I own one) and was startled at what I found when I closely examined some verses.
Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed. The December 4th, 1999 Powerball numbers will be 5-22-25-36-38, 37.
For Moses had said, Consecrate yourselves to day to the LORD, even every man upon his son, and upon his brother; that he may bestow upon you a blessing this day. Beware the Heisman winner - the one they call "The Juice."
These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens. Take comfort, all you gay cowboys. Someday you will be very popular.
And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. Do not buy the Betamax machine. Go with the VHS instead.
And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses said unto the people, Ye have sinned a great sin: and now I will go up unto the LORD; peradventure I shall make an atonement for your sin. Despite the "Look Who's Talking" movies, John Travolta, your career will soon improve.
I am the LORD your God; walk in my statutes, and keep my judgments, and do them; The Portland Trailblazers will regret drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in the 1984 NBA draft.
Say unto them, As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you. David Spade, don't expect to ride that Chris Farley gravy train forever.
Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! surely thou hast greatly deceived this people and Jerusalem, saying, Ye shall have peace; whereas the sword reacheth unto the soul. In the eighth month, of the year 1974, a great drunk will be born.
Eighth month...1974? Hey! That's when I was born.