Thursday, January 31, 2008

Christina Ricci Is Hot, To A Monkey

Christina Ricci assaulted by chimp

Christina Ricci was sexually assaulted by a chimpanzee on the set of her latest movie. Hmm ... there's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Heath Ledger's REAL Final Interview (I'm going to hell for this one)

Many media outlets are touting their recent Heath Ledger interviews as the actor's last, but has obtained the transcript to, what is indeed, Ledger's final interview.

From January 22, 2008, approx. 3:30pm:

EMT (Emergency Medical Technician): "Heath, can you hear me?"

Ledger: No reply

EMT: "Wake up, Heath, wake up!"

Ledger: No reply

EMT: "Damn it! C'mon Heath, are you there?"

Ledger: No reply

Kicking the Bucket

Every second-rate blogger is posting a bucket list -- a list of things to do before you die. Since I would love to be second-rate and I hardly ever come up with my own original ideas, here's a list of things I would like to do before I pass from this world to the eternal flames of hell:

Obtain copies of all four "Iron Eagle" movies. I believe that uniting them will unlock strange and wonderful secrets of the universe.

Locate college roommate and ask for my Technotronic CD back

Learn how to correctly use "who" and "whom"

Get the NBA back on NBC and resurrect this intro song

Write and produce "Godfather IV," where Andy Garcia wages war against MySpace, Friendster and Facebook, giving the Corleone Family control over the lucrative social networking industry.

Explain to the world that the correct saying is "I couldn't care less" not "I could care less."

Meet Heath Ledger

Learn valuable life lesson that, although I can change into a werewolf, it will be much more satisfying to hit the free throws and win the big game as myself.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I am SO going to forget all the little people

I was shocked today to see the number of hits my drunken site got. Lately I've been averaging a pathetic 40-50 visitors a day (The number of visitors is pathetic. I'm not saying my visitors are pathetic; although some of you know you are.) But today I'm already over 600.

Are the cool kids finally recognizing me? How is this possible? I'll tell you how: my site was featured on the front page of USA Today!

Ok, ok ... maybe not the front page, but my blog -- specifically my Josh Brolin nose picking entry below -- was mentioned in a USA Today entertainment blog - Celeb photo roundup - the good, the bad, the ugly.

I haven't had this kind of publicity since I was mistaken for a guy from "To Catch A Predator." It's only a matter of time before you see my drunk ass on "Letterman."

You know, ever since I saw him on a 1986 episode of "Highway to Heaven," I knew that Josh Brolin's and my career would be forever intertwined.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Drunken thoughts on the Screen Actors Guild Awards

It's Screen Actors Guild Award night! There's very few things I enjoy more than sitting at my computer with a single-serve bottle of champagne and toasting our finest actors -- and Ryan Gosling. Actually, it was either that or "Matlock: The Assassination" (Ben and Leanne link the mayor's assassination to a judge charged with sexual assault) on the Hallmark Channel.

There was a time when young girls drooled over James Spader. On a side note, they also dropped their panties for Warrant front-man Jani Lane. Well, those days are gone. It now appears that those two may have been, in fact, the same person.

The Screen Actors Guild statue is hung like me:

It was a big night for "The Sopranos." It won Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Drama Series; and James Gandolfini and Edie Falco took home awards for Actors Most Likely To Be Hoping For A Sopranos Movie In 5 Years. Little Steven put on his best pirate costume for the event.

Woody Harrelson is in attendance, probably to receive a lifetime achievement award for his work in "White Men Can't Jump" and "Doc Hollywood."

Alan Rosenberg, president of the Screen Actors Guild began his speech with: "Tonight as we celebrate our 75th anniversary, 800,000 men and women in uniform around the world are watching us. Our best wishes to them all." If there's even one of our nation's solders watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards, I fear for our safety.

If they ever make a Kentucky Fried Chicken movie, I know who would be a perfect Colonel Sanders:

The Life Achievement award went to Charles Durning. Maybe next year, Woody.

If Queen Latifah is now an actress, not a rapper, isn't about time to for her to drop this "Queen" bullshit? It took me five seconds of research to discover her name is Dana.

Viggo Mortensen is presenting the award for Outstanding Female Actor In A Supporting Role. Last night I saw his ass and cock-and-balls in "Eastern Promises." The award went to Ruby Dee for playing Denzel's mom in "American Gangster." Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait ... that was Kiki Dee.

Actually, maybe Tommy Lee Jones would make a better Colonel Sanders.

The award for the Actor With Most Grease In His Hair went to Daniel Day Lewis. Damn -- this guy is really broken up over Heath Ledger! After making his entire speech about how he once saw Heath in "Monster's Ball" and "Brokeback Mountain," he dedicated his naked actor trophy to him.

Have you ever had a booger in your nose that, no matter how much you pick, you just can't get it out? And if so, did it happen when you were on stage, accepting a Hollywood award? Well, it happened to Josh Brolin.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Car Flies for a Little While

Car flies 200 feet, then kills 5

The realization of flying automobiles came much closer this morning, when five young men managed to fly their car over 200 feet in Ocala, FL. Sadly, these pioneers will never realize the importance of their contribution, as their flying car crashed into a tree, killing all aboard.

Because the car was destroyed, it is unclear how much will be gained from this experiment. Experts are hoping to learn more than they did in 1990 when Doc Brown's time-traveling De Lorean was wrecked by a freight train.

Remember this one? 'Turbo Teen'

How is it that I can't remember how I got home last Wednesday, but I remember a Saturday morning cartoon that aired only 12 episodes when I was 10?

"Turbo Teen" was an animated series that ABC aired in 1984 about a teenager, Brett Matthews, who drove his sports car into a scientific lab's molecular beam. As a result, he is able to morph into his car when his body temperature reached a certain level.

Brett used his new powers to battle crime with his girlfriend, Pattie, his best friend, Alex, and his dog. In the 80's teenage cartoon characters always had dogs and nearly all of them battled crime.

No one seemed to be bothered that they were riding around "inside" their friend. If I remember right, if Turbo Teen had passengers when he began morphing into human form, he would end up on all fours with his passengers sitting on his back. Creepy.

When I was a kid I liked how his hands turned into tires and his ass expanded to the rear of the car, but it freaked me out that his mouth stretched to become the grill. Now that I'm older, I have other questions. What part of the car is his penis? You know it's the gear shift -- you just know it!

Here is a funny parody from "Robot Chicken"

I know this god-damned thing is going to hit my house -- I just know it.

Satellite is weeks away from hitting Earth

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Don't Say It featured 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman (they also had 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Guy).

There were a couple of good suggestions like don't tell a woman to "relax" because it is basically saying to her that she is being irrational. I always tell girlfriend to relax or "calm down"; she doesn't like that much.

But there was an obvious omission. Any list of things to NEVER say to a woman, should begin and end with:

Will you marry me?


Existing single-family home sales drop

Why are home sales always referred to as "single-family" home sales? Is there a whole market out there of multiple families getting together to chip in on a house?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Super Half Nekkid

As I mentioned here, I discovered my crippled super powers very early on.

What's Half Nekkid Thursday?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Batman makes quick work of the Joker, this time around

Batman nemesis and former gay cowboy, Heath Ledger, dead

Remember this one? "Just the Ten of Us"

There wasn't a whole lot to do in the tiny, remote North Dakota town I grew up in. So most nights were spent watching TGIF, Must See TV, or whatever block of prime time programming the networks threw at me.

From 1988 to 1990, Just the Ten of Us was part of ABC's TGIF Friday night lineup (along with Perfect Strangers, Full House and Mr. Belvedere in 1988-89; and Full House, Family Matters and Perfect Strangers in 1989-1990).

A spin-off of Growing Pains, the show was about a gym teacher -- and father of eight -- who moves his family to California to take a job at an all-boys Catholic school. As part of his employment deal, all his kids are allowed to attend the school; but four of his kids are teenage girls. Oh, oh -- you guessed it -- hilarity ensues.

The marriage in this show was an early adopter of the fat-guy-with-attractive-wife theme that is still used in sitcoms today (King of Queens; Still Standing).

The show covered the normal 'special' sitcom topics: cutting class, teenage drinking and smoking. But it never touched on some more fitting subjects such as fertility drugs, Mormonism or sex addiction -- anything that would lead to a couple having eight kids.

I thought the second oldest daughter (played by Brooke Theiss) was the hottest.

An undated later photo shows she has held up over the years:

Here is a link to the show's theme song.

Monday, January 21, 2008

You aren't as smart as Kevin Bacon and Jason Priestly

Since day one, the world has been run by adults, with the younger generation forced to blindly follow their elders and heed such advice as "when you're my age, you'll understand," as if with greater age, came greater intelligence.

But there are two instants in history that have taught me that teenagers are far more intelligent than adults and, when faced with a difficult decision, will always make the right choice. Adults, on the other hand, will continue to follow poor decisions until a rebellious kid -- usually with cool hair -- sets them straight.

The first moment was in "Footloose" when Kevin Bacon took on the entire town of Bomont and its ban on public dancing. With bible in hand, he explained to Reverand John Lithgow and the rest of the townsfolk how their law against dancing and rock and roll music was wrong.

"And it was King David ... who we read about in Samuel. And what did David do? David danced before the Lord with all his might ... leaping and dancing before the Lord,'' recited Kevin Bacon from his scripture. "Leaping and dancing!"

Thanks to Kevin Bacon, the kids were allowed to decorate an old barn and dance to the hard rock music of Kenny Loggins and Mike Reno from Loverboy.

The second situation was this:

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Remember this one? "One More Try"

"One More Try"
Timmy T

This song hit the top of the Billboard Charts in 1990. While I do remember it from when I was in high school, back then I lived in a small remote village without MTV so I didn't know what Timmy T looked like. Now that I have seen him, I have the same sickening feeling that I got when I first actually saw a Color Me Badd video.

Here's the original video, but skip it and go down to the live performance below -- it's much better.

So much going on here: the hair and those background dancers. Apparently poor Timmy couldn't afford good dancers. I think they signaled me to bunt or steal second a couple times.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Oh, doctor

If you're in the medical field, this has got to be your dream job:

Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation

"Doctor, your one o'clock physical -- Sindee Coxx -- is ready. And your appointment with Aurora Snow has been pushed back to three-thirty."

Like any job, however, it could have its bad days:

Why even bother

Friend of Marine on the run: 'He's like MacGyver'

If this guy is even a little like MacGyver, why even try to find him? Could anyone catch MacGyver? Nope. Murdoc tried numerous times - all unsuccessfully.

By now, he's probably sailed halfway across the world in a homemade hot air balloon.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Abortions Down, Whiny Brats Up

U.S. Abortion Rate Falls to Lowest Level in Decades, while Annoying Brat Levels Skyrocket to All-Time High

Die McAfee, Die!

What's the worst a computer virus can actually do? Bog down me computer? Produce endless pop-ups? Irritate the hell out of me? Well that's exactly what my McAfee anti-virus program was doing.

Every few minutes: "Your definitions are out of date;" "Your computer is not fully protected;" "A new version of McAfee is available;" "1993's version is still available." And whenever it would scan for viruses, it would suck all my memory and render my computer useless for 20 minutes. All that for $40 a year! I think I'd rather take my chances with the viruses.

But when you visit as many porn sites as I do, some protection is probably a good idea. I came across AGV's free anti-virus software. MSN recommended it, saying it wouldn't slow my computer and doesn't require many resources.

However, McAfee does not like to be uninstalled and it doesn't die easily. There is no uninstall option, and you can't simply delete the program folder. Go ahead and try to get rid of it through the Conrtol Panel's Add/Remove Programs; When you reboot your computer, McAfee will be right back where it's always been.

I had to download a special McAfee-killing program (probably a virus, itself). It fearlessly took on the mighty anvi-virus software and, in a hard-fought battle, defeated it and left it for dead.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My Real Half-Nekkid Identity

I have decided to take this Half-Nekkid Thursday to reveal my true identity.

That's right - I'm Mark Linn-Baker, TV's Larry Appleton from "Perfect Strangers."

You know you've wondered what ever happened to me. Well ... for the last 15 years I've been hiding from that fuckin' Balki. And that hasn't been easy because -- as you can see -- I have not aged at all.

What's Half Nekkid Thursday?

Monday, January 14, 2008

80's coming of age drama, or gay porn movie?

I have friends -- former high school wrestlers -- who love "Vision Quest," the 1985 Matthew Modine movie about a high school wrestler who drops two weight classes in order to challenge the undefeated state wrestling champion. But I've always considered it a little gay, which is how I feel about wrestling in general.

The uniform they wear is called a singlet. Why couldn't they have just called it a "uniform"? No - they had to give it the least-masculine name possible. I originally thought that was what a baby wears, but that's called a onesie.

I'll let you decide: Gay porn?

For the person who has everything

Are you looking for a gift for the person who has everything? Or do you want to win every road-rage battle?

Then you are going to want to get out to the Barrett-Jackson Car Auction this week and bid on Robosaurus. This 40 foot tall, 30 ton robotic dinosaur has mechanical jaws and claws, and can shoot 20 foot flames from its nostrils.

Happy Smurfday

Smurfs mark 50th birthday

Today in history

1948 - One of our finest thespians was born. Happy 60th, Carl Weathers.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Welcome to my Crib

C'mon in.

Here's my kitchen. I don't cook much so it's mainly just a storage room for my fridge.

If you're a connoisseur of fine frozen pizzas, you must have a pizza oven!

My fridge pretty much just contains alcohol or things you can mix with alcohol.

My dining "room," located conveniently two feet from the kitchen. And above the table -- my idea of fine art -- a monkey drinking booze.

Just another few feet away is my living room. This is where I spend most of my time. Clearly, it is the largest room in the house.

Everything in my life is small: my house, my wallet, my -- um -- you know. But my TV is large - 61 inches!

Sure I have "Scarface" and "The Godfather," but no movie collection is complete unless it includes "Strange Brew" on VHS.

In the back "yard," is my white-trash bar. You can tell it's white-trash because of the Christmas tree lights strung up all year long.

Every white-trash bar needs a huge beer can fridge.

Many romantic nights are spent by the fire, all by myself.

As they say, this is where the magic happens.

Here's one of the two bathrooms. That's right - 2 bathrooms! Who the hell has 2 bathrooms?

Since I never have any guests, the spare bedroom has become my 80s game room.

Ms. Pac-man anyone?

Playstation 3? Wii? Xbox? Hell no! It's all about the Atari 2600 and Sega Genesis.

Let's go outside and check out my rides.

This is my 2006 Chevy Impala. I'm rolling on 16's - aluminum, baby!

And when I'm too drunk to drive and even too drunk to walk, I hop on my Go-Go mobility scooter. This thing comes complete with variable speed -- ranging from turtle to rabbit -- and a custom beer holder.

Ok now, you've seen my crib. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.