Welcome to my Crib

C'mon in.



Here's my kitchen. I don't cook much so it's mainly just a storage room for my fridge.



If you're a connoisseur of fine frozen pizzas, you must have a pizza oven!



My fridge pretty much just contains alcohol or things you can mix with alcohol.




My dining "room," located conveniently two feet from the kitchen. And above the table -- my idea of fine art -- a monkey drinking booze.




Just another few feet away is my living room. This is where I spend most of my time. Clearly, it is the largest room in the house.



Everything in my life is small: my house, my wallet, my -- um -- you know. But my TV is large - 61 inches!



Sure I have "Scarface" and "The Godfather," but no movie collection is complete unless it includes "Strange Brew" on VHS.



In the back "yard," is my white-trash bar. You can tell it's white-trash because of the Christmas tree lights strung up all year long.



Every white-trash bar needs a huge beer can fridge.



Many romantic nights are spent by the fire, all by myself.



As they say, this is where the magic happens.



Here's one of the two bathrooms. That's right - 2 bathrooms! Who the hell has 2 bathrooms?



Since I never have any guests, the spare bedroom has become my 80s game room.



Ms. Pac-man anyone?



Playstation 3? Wii? Xbox? Hell no! It's all about the Atari 2600 and Sega Genesis.


Let's go outside and check out my rides.



This is my 2006 Chevy Impala. I'm rolling on 16's - aluminum, baby!



And when I'm too drunk to drive and even too drunk to walk, I hop on my Go-Go mobility scooter. This thing comes complete with variable speed -- ranging from turtle to rabbit -- and a custom beer holder.


Ok now, you've seen my crib. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.