Drunken thoughts on the Screen Actors Guild Awards

It's Screen Actors Guild Award night! There's very few things I enjoy more than sitting at my computer with a single-serve bottle of champagne and toasting our finest actors -- and Ryan Gosling. Actually, it was either that or "Matlock: The Assassination" (Ben and Leanne link the mayor's assassination to a judge charged with sexual assault) on the Hallmark Channel.

There was a time when young girls drooled over James Spader. On a side note, they also dropped their panties for Warrant front-man Jani Lane. Well, those days are gone. It now appears that those two may have been, in fact, the same person.

The Screen Actors Guild statue is hung like me:




It was a big night for "The Sopranos." It won Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Drama Series; and James Gandolfini and Edie Falco took home awards for Actors Most Likely To Be Hoping For A Sopranos Movie In 5 Years. Little Steven put on his best pirate costume for the event.

Woody Harrelson is in attendance, probably to receive a lifetime achievement award for his work in "White Men Can't Jump" and "Doc Hollywood."

Alan Rosenberg, president of the Screen Actors Guild began his speech with: "Tonight as we celebrate our 75th anniversary, 800,000 men and women in uniform around the world are watching us. Our best wishes to them all." If there's even one of our nation's solders watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards, I fear for our safety.

If they ever make a Kentucky Fried Chicken movie, I know who would be a perfect Colonel Sanders:




The Life Achievement award went to Charles Durning. Maybe next year, Woody.

If Queen Latifah is now an actress, not a rapper, isn't about time to for her to drop this "Queen" bullshit? It took me five seconds of research to discover her name is Dana.

Viggo Mortensen is presenting the award for Outstanding Female Actor In A Supporting Role. Last night I saw his ass and cock-and-balls in "Eastern Promises." The award went to Ruby Dee for playing Denzel's mom in "American Gangster." Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait ... that was Kiki Dee.

Actually, maybe Tommy Lee Jones would make a better Colonel Sanders.




The award for the Actor With Most Grease In His Hair went to Daniel Day Lewis. Damn -- this guy is really broken up over Heath Ledger! After making his entire speech about how he once saw Heath in "Monster's Ball" and "Brokeback Mountain," he dedicated his naked actor trophy to him.

Have you ever had a booger in your nose that, no matter how much you pick, you just can't get it out? And if so, did it happen when you were on stage, accepting a Hollywood award? Well, it happened to Josh Brolin.