Sunday, April 30, 2006

This is funnier than any "Growing Pains" episode

Check out the type of people Kirk Cameron is hanging out with these days. This video is worth watching.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Work has been good lately

I bet I have been winning 40% of my solitaire games this week.

Today in history

2002 - In Honduras, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes (TLC) was killed in a car crash. Here she is alive. Want to see a picture of her dead?

2003 - Sinead O'Connor announced on her Web site that she was going to retire. This went largely unnoticed.

Monday, April 24, 2006

I don't like good food

Well, OK, I do like it. I just don't need it.

Most of the time I only eat food to provide a base for the alcohol. I couldn't care less what I eat. I don't really care what it tastes like. The booze will provide flavor.

Nothing better than munching at the Pink Taco

Suggestive name puts eatery, city at odds

30 and time to grow up

According to Esquire Magazine, there are things a man should never do after 30.

1. Coin his own nickname.

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro. (Damn, my 8th grade Home Ec project is now useless)

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

4. Hacky sack.

5. Name his penis his name plus junior. (How will I break the news to Wirthy Jr.?)

6. Hang art with tape.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume. (But it's been my life's work.)

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant." (Brenda and Eddie - those crazy kids.)

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert. (It's all about the cell phones these days.)

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?" (What if your friend is actually a whore?)

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron. (I think this one could have been simplified to: Propose.)

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina. (How am I supposed to learn about it then?)

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank. (Yeah, that's only two gallons.)

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium. (I did this once, but I was younger than 30, so it's OK.)

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate. (Oh, oh. I'm a loser.)

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

This is very good news for me

Judge: Web-Surfing Worker Can't Be Fired

Never go to anything that's referred to as a festival

At the suggestion of a friend, I spent Saturday afternoon in hell. Well, actually it was the Scottsdale Culinary Festival.

First of all, there are two things that I hate more than anything: (1) walking long distances and (2) people. This event involved both.

I have a handicap permit which got me a sweet parking space only a few miles from our destination. After a lengthy hike up and down hills, we arrived at an area inside the festival known as Margarita Village. Access required an additional $5 fee but at least there were tables to sit at. I don't like margaritas but was content with $4 Coronas.

After a few drinks, we were informed that the beer garden was "the place to be." There would be another $5 entrance fee but then you get all the beer you want for free.

So I walk another mile, stopping for 20 minutes to stand in line at the porta-potties. Upon entering the beer garden I was handed a tiny little beer mug. This tiny shot glass-sized container is what the free beer is served in. Here's the process: you pick a beer line to stand in. Once you get to the front, your shot glass is filled. You take your two gulps and return to the back of the line and start all over. Luckily, I had people to do this for me. But I spent the next couple of hours standing in the heat, reminiscing of the nice table and $4 Coronas I had not so long ago.

I often say that, for me, happiness is being able to get a drink when I want and being able to take a piss when I want. I had neither of those things at the Culinary Festival. It was the biggest waste of time for me, other than college.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The most boring event to be broadcast on your phone

NFL draft on mobile phones

Now, no matter where you are, you will be able to see who Tampa Bay selects with the 27th pick in the 7th round.

Celebrity Love Match

Find out your celebrity love match. Mine is Wynona Ryder. I guess I could do worse. I was afraid it was going to be Oprah. Runner-ups are Natalie Portman, Angelina Jolie and Kirsten Dunst.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Employee of the day!

I made it to work on time today. Actually I made it in four minutes early - 6:56am.

I can't remember the last time I arrived on time for work, but I believe Bill Clinton was President.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Tough day at the office

Today was a rough one. I did not leave my office from 7:30am to 4:15pm. And I physically did not even get up from my desk until 3:00pm, when I stood up and stretched.

I guess this is payback for the last month or so, when I probably put in about 10 hours of work total.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

A gay night

I just finished watching a romantic comedy all by myself. Now I am going to pour a glass of chardonnay and take a bubble bath.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image for story


Only the good die young

Guess who was watching Billy Joel last night from a luxury box... Me, stupid! Why would I be writing about someone else doing that?

That's the way to see a show: sitting in a suite, drinking free beer (someone paid for it, but it wasn't me), eating free cheesecake (someone paid for it, but again...) and looking down on Billy Joel playing live. And my favorite part: when you gotta piss, the private bathroom is right there.

In other news, I lost some graphics when transitioning away from that damn Canadian hosting company. So I need to fix my drunk meter.