Never go to anything that's referred to as a festival

At the suggestion of a friend, I spent Saturday afternoon in hell. Well, actually it was the Scottsdale Culinary Festival.

First of all, there are two things that I hate more than anything: (1) walking long distances and (2) people. This event involved both.

I have a handicap permit which got me a sweet parking space only a few miles from our destination. After a lengthy hike up and down hills, we arrived at an area inside the festival known as Margarita Village. Access required an additional $5 fee but at least there were tables to sit at. I don't like margaritas but was content with $4 Coronas.

After a few drinks, we were informed that the beer garden was "the place to be." There would be another $5 entrance fee but then you get all the beer you want for free.

So I walk another mile, stopping for 20 minutes to stand in line at the porta-potties. Upon entering the beer garden I was handed a tiny little beer mug. This tiny shot glass-sized container is what the free beer is served in. Here's the process: you pick a beer line to stand in. Once you get to the front, your shot glass is filled. You take your two gulps and return to the back of the line and start all over. Luckily, I had people to do this for me. But I spent the next couple of hours standing in the heat, reminiscing of the nice table and $4 Coronas I had not so long ago.

I often say that, for me, happiness is being able to get a drink when I want and being able to take a piss when I want. I had neither of those things at the Culinary Festival. It was the biggest waste of time for me, other than college.