30 and time to grow up

According to Esquire Magazine, there are things a man should never do after 30.

1. Coin his own nickname.

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro. (Damn, my 8th grade Home Ec project is now useless)

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

4. Hacky sack.

5. Name his penis his name plus junior. (How will I break the news to Wirthy Jr.?)

6. Hang art with tape.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume. (But it's been my life's work.)

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant." (Brenda and Eddie - those crazy kids.)

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert. (It's all about the cell phones these days.)

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?" (What if your friend is actually a whore?)

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron. (I think this one could have been simplified to: Propose.)

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina. (How am I supposed to learn about it then?)

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank. (Yeah, that's only two gallons.)

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium. (I did this once, but I was younger than 30, so it's OK.)

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate. (Oh, oh. I'm a loser.)

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."