On Sale at Target: Giant Candy-EatingTurds

Cellphones for morons

I'm an absolute moron who can't use regular cellphones with their fancy buttons and sorcery-like technology. Thank you, Jitterbug.

Velcro Shoes

When I was younger -- elementary and junior high school -- I would frequently wear Velcro shoes; They were a lot easier for me to put on and take off. But back then they were somewhat fashionable; Huge shoe companies -- well, Puma, at least -- had them flying off the shelves.

Throughout my high school and college years nobody wore Velcro anymore. I tried to fit in as much as possible so I quit wearing them too -- like nobody noticed I was crippled when I was wearing my Reebok Pumps.

Being in my mid-30s I am even less limber than I used to be; It is quite difficult to reach down past my ankles. If I drop money, I won't even to attempt retrieve it, unless it's over a dollar. So tying regular shoes has become a time-consuming chore every day. And years ago I quit caring what people think and quit trying to look cool; I should have realized it wasn't working when I took this picture in 1991.

Now these days I am sporting a couple pair of Velcro shoes (still readily available at Wal-mart), and I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm just waiting for the "Don Johnson" look to come back so I no longer need to wear socks.