Burning the midnight oil

You ever notice that, in TV and movies, when someone is working at the office late at night, they always have the lights off, except for maybe a lone desk lamp. Why? Are they not allowed to keep the lights on past 5:00?

I'm going to add this to the list of of things in TV and movies that bother me.

Duets

Being cooped up in your house for the better part of four days will make you do things you normally wouldn't do, watch movies you would normally not watch.

I just watched "Duets," the 2000 blockbuster starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Giamatti and Huey Lewis, among others.

The whole movie is about karaoke... yes, karaoke. Huey Lewis plays a karaoke hustler... yes, a karaoke hustler. He travels the country hustling other karaoke singers and winning prize money by performing different blues-style songs. I don't know why he just doesn't sing "Hip To Be Square" or "I Want A New Drug."

Gwyneth plays Huey's daughter. In between singing two songs, she has a few dozen incredibly retarded lines.

I think this movie ruined it for any future karaoke-themed movies. Although, it is the best Huey Lewis movie I've seen in years.

Whoa, this is heavy

Christopher Lloyd returns to survey home destroyed by California wildfires

On Sale at Target: Giant Candy-EatingTurds

Cellphones for morons

I'm an absolute moron who can't use regular cellphones with their fancy buttons and sorcery-like technology. Thank you, Jitterbug.

Velcro Shoes

When I was younger -- elementary and junior high school -- I would frequently wear Velcro shoes; They were a lot easier for me to put on and take off. But back then they were somewhat fashionable; Huge shoe companies -- well, Puma, at least -- had them flying off the shelves.

Throughout my high school and college years nobody wore Velcro anymore. I tried to fit in as much as possible so I quit wearing them too -- like nobody noticed I was crippled when I was wearing my Reebok Pumps.

Being in my mid-30s I am even less limber than I used to be; It is quite difficult to reach down past my ankles. If I drop money, I won't even to attempt retrieve it, unless it's over a dollar. So tying regular shoes has become a time-consuming chore every day. And years ago I quit caring what people think and quit trying to look cool; I should have realized it wasn't working when I took this picture in 1991.

Now these days I am sporting a couple pair of Velcro shoes (still readily available at Wal-mart), and I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm just waiting for the "Don Johnson" look to come back so I no longer need to wear socks.

Nothing good ever comes from these tubes

This guy from Louisiana wants to pay poor women $1,000 to get their tubes tied. Yes -- this is one of the better ideas I have ever heard! Nothing is more annoying to me than kids, and poor kids are the most annoying.

I wish John McCain would have picked this obscure Republican for his VP instead of that other obscure Republican.

Still Crippled

The Department of Transportation has issued me a new handicapped parking permit good until 2013.

Looks like I'm crippled for another five years. Oh well, better luck next time.

I Saw Nicholas Cage This Weekend

And I've seen him every weekend for as far back as I can remember, all thanks to TBS and TNT and their tendency to show "Con Air" and "The Rock" every Saturday afternoon.

I challenge all my readers -- that's right, you and the other guy -- to find a weekend where one of these two movies are not airing somewhere on extended-basic cable.

How long have I been sleeping?!

Larry King: Polygamist Wannabe

Tonight's Larry King show featured female members of the polygamist ranch that was raided by Texas authorities two weeks ago.

Larry repeatedly grilled three of the conservatively dressed women about the lifestyle on the ranch: men having multiple wives; old men having very young wives.

You just know Larry wants to be a polygamist so badly. The guy's been married seven times. His current wife is 26 years younger than him.

Happiness: Being Able To Pee When You Have To Pee

I often say happiness is being able to pee, when you have to pee. I also say marriage is the #1 cause of divorce, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Most people take for granted the ability to urinate when the urge presents itself; But for us crippled people, it's not always that easy in certain situations.

Whenever I would attend a concert by Motley Crue, Cinderella or whatever band kids are into these days, I would cautiously guzzle beer, knowing that the inevitable was coming: having to take a leak. I would look over the crowded venue, spotting the bathrooms a long, treacherous journey away. And like a crippled running back, plowing through a defensive line, I would fight my way through the crowd. After making it to the bathroom -- hopefully unscathed -- and relieving myself, I would make the same trip back to my seat, only to have to do it all over again 20 minutes later (they say you don't buy beer; you rent it). If the concert was past half over, I would just announce to my friends that I would not be returning and would meet them at the car. The same rule applies at sporting events: if I had to "go" early in the 4th quarter of a Suns game, I'd watch the remainder of the game from a TV in the hallway.

I have cursed God in the past: You took my legs; couldn't you have at least given me a super bladder?

However all that changed in April 2007 when I dropped $500 on a used mobility scooter (and $1.99 for the attachable beer holder).

When I went to college, my parents got me one of them but I refused to ride it because only the elderly and morbidly obese women shopping at Wal-mart used them.

But now I am older and, while I'm not wiser, I hate people more and care less how they look at me. So last year, before a trip to Las Vegas, I bought a slightly banged up Go-Go mobility scooter. It was the best $500 I ever spent (not counting money spent at a strip club, of course).

The scooter conveniently breaks down into four insanely heavy pieces and fits nicely into my trunk. I attached a beverage holder on the handlebars so I could adhere to the same rules I follow in my car: keep both hands on the wheel, when drinking and driving.

This past week my scooter and I attended a Bret Michaels concert at an outdoor venue. I drank one Michelob Ultra after another, completely unconcerned over how many times I'd have to visit the porta-potties (They even have handicap-accessible ones I can drive my scooter inside; but I just parked outside.) When Bret announced "here's a song from my new album," I turned the key on, cranked the speed up to "Rabbit" (it has "Rabbit" or "Turtle") and began tearing through the crowd at 4.25 mph. People either moved out of my way or their toes paid the price. I was back at the show before the opening chords to Talk Dirty To Me.

Being able to pee when you gotta pee ... priceless.

NBA Action is FANTASTIC

I hate when an NBA commentator describes a play in which one player out-battles another for a rebound by saying "he just wanted the ball more." That's just stupid.



The only dumber comment said during a basketball is anything Bill Walton says.

Whatever happened to Christmas catalogs?

This guy found a few hundred hours of free time and scanned Christmas catalogs from the 40s through the 80s.

I remember, as a kid, flipping through the various Christmas catalogs, constructing my list for Santa. Browsing this 1982 Sears catalog brought me back to a different time, a simpler time. A time when $15.99 got you a really neat digital watch. A time when a 25" console TV was the cornerstone of any good home theater. And and a time when Sears carried every conceivable product known to man.

For only $2,200 you could buy a video camera and make movies like a pro. For convenient playback you also got a VCR strapped to your back.


And if portability is your thing, for only 80 bucks you could buy a Mini Stereo and listen to your favorite AM and FM broadcasts, and your Asia and Foreigner tapes on the go.




Nothing says I'm a dork, please kick my ass like listening to your AM radio watch.




Apparently Sears used to carry a full line of sleepwear for Amish women.




Now I can barely remember 1982, but I definitely don't remember any men wearing these:




You younger kids are probably not aware of this, but 25 years ago TVs were made of wood. Not only could you watch your favorite programs on these sets, you could also serve a buffet dinner on them.

If there's 1 magazine I don't want to feature nudity, it's Cat Fancy

But running a very close second: AARP The Magazine.

Jamie Lee Curtis takes shirt off for magazine

Iraq Porn

From my early Wirthy.com archives:

This Made the News?

Cable TV's The History Channel changes its name to just History

Scoliosis: The Plague of 1986

As I have previously written, I grew up in a tiny North Dakota village. Throughout all my years of school I basically had the same 15 classmates. All grades -- kindergarten through senior class -- went to the same school. As a senior I would eat lunch in the cafeteria, a few tables away from my 4th grade sister. The entire school had only a hundred-some students.

This was a small town -- a small town with a horrific epidemic: Scoliosis.

As elementary students, we were tested for scoliosis every week. Ok, it may have only been once a year but in my alcohol-blurred memory, we were being tested all the time.

The girls and boys would separate and wait in lines to be screened. When it was your turn, you would remove your shirt, take a seat and lean forward. Then someone who supposedly had some sort of medical expertise inspected your spine for a few seconds and determined whether you were going to live or die. I am sure the girls endured the same process, although I imagine it was much more erotic.

In later years (5 minutes ag0), I was able to research scoliosis and learn that it is a condition in which a person's spine is curved from side to side. In 1986 we just knew that if you didn't get tested, you were as good as dead.

I always thought I should have been excluded from scoliosis screening. As I also mentioned before, I have cerebral palsy. To a kid who didn't take his first steps until he was three and rarely could take five successful steps in a row, learning that your spine was curved didn't mean much. It would be like a cancer sufferer being diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

So here I am: a 33-year-old survivor of a once-fatal disease. And I am happy to report that all 15 of my classmates also survived. I hope that when I'm gone, people will say "There's a brave guy who didn't let his curved spine get him down. He let every other aspect of his life get him down, but not his spine."

My back hurts.

Waaaahhh -- My Vagina Hurts

Working women cry more on job than men

Drunken Thoughts on 'Jumper'

Over the weekend, I went to the movie "Jumper." It stars Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson, Samuel Jackson and -- for five minutes of the film -- Diane Lane.

In the movie, Hayden Christensen has the power to teleport himself anywhere in the world: one moment he's in his bedroom, seconds later he's in Rome. He bounces all over the world, robbing banks and banging chicks. And, for some reason, Samuel Jackson wants to kill him -- not sure why.

Anyway, back to this whole teleporting thing: What's the big deal? I do it all the time. One time I was in my living room watching TV with Girlfriend. We went into the bedroom to have sex, and a few extremely brief moments later I was back in the living room.

And in the blink of an eye, I can go from sitting on a bar stool at my local bar to the floor just below that bar stool. A friend suggested that I make a movie called "Faller." Playing the part of an inebriated me: Mr. Emilio Estevez. I could see it.