What do you do...

...when you are a 23 year old, soon-to-be-starting quarterback in the NFL who just signed a megamillion dollar contract?

You get your ex-girlfriend knocked up a month ago. Get ready for that $20,000/month child support, dumb ass!

Tonight on Pay Per View

So many choices:

Uptown Hookers 6

Ghetto Girlz 3

All Aboard Alexis

Barbaric Bangers 3

Oriental Pleasure 4

Bulgarian Minxes 4

Wirthy.com resurrected

Damn kids these days have it easy

Dinky Pluto loses its status as planet

When I was a young school lad, I had to memorize the names of nine planets. There was Earth, Mercury, Mars, um, uh, mmm, and six others. Now these fucking brats only have to know eight planets.

The ups and downs of life

I've lost nearly all my regular readers. Down from a once mighty 212 visitors per day, I now average only 50.

Nothing sucks all the creativity out of a person like a full-time job. I now spend all my time working on my company's web site and no time on this site. And I get in trouble if I even put one picture of a drunken Lego guy on my company's site.

When I do have a single bit of free time, I'm either trying to balance my drunk ass on a bar stool or spending quality time with the girlfriend watching shit like this.

So, life's kind of been a rollercoaster lately. Lots of highs and lots of lows:

I turned 32 a couple of days ago. Another year older (low).

Another year closer to death (high).

I got my first speeding ticket in nearly 10 years (low).

I got 1 1/2 jobs (low).

I get 1 1/2 paychecks (high).

My 1 1/2 paychecks don't add up to most people's single paycheck (low).

Last night on "Happy Days," Fonzie injured himself in a motorcycle accident (low).

The morning after pill was OK'd for over-the-counter sales (high).

I splurged on an insanely expensive ($19.99) bottle of vodka (high).

Girlfriend drank all my $20 vodka (low).