There may be a God

All my life I've prayed to God for only three things: (1) A larger bladder-I am usually at a one-piss-per-beer ratio; (2) An NBA Championship for Charles Barkley; and (3) Egg McMuffins all day long.

McDonald's May Offer Breakfast Menu All Day Long

Thanks God! I have to take a leak now

Exclusive photo from Steve Irwin's funeral

Where are the toons now?

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite cartoon characters? Click here

I would sooooo bang Rudy Huxtable now

But I would have banged her then too. I'm sick like that.

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Because of a speeding ticket, I spent the last two nights in Defensive Driving class.

It had been many years since I've gone to this class, but a couple things are still the same: There were still a few assholes who insist on asking dozens of questions and slowing down the class. And the instructor still teases you with the chance of getting out early, only to let you leave a whopping five minutes early.

Anyway, here's some shit I learned:

• The mirrors on your door and on the inside of your windshield: If aimed properly, you can see what's going on behind you.
  
  
• If you hit a kid in a crosswalk, before the cops arrive, try to move the body just outside the crosswalk; the penalty is surprisingly lower.
  
  
• When stuck in a classroom in a strip mall for eight hours, girls who normally are 6's begin to look like 10's.
  
  
• The penalties for DUI are now so steep that you are better off trying to get away in a high speed chase.
  
  
• When an officer asks if you know why he pulled you over, respond: "Do you know who I am?" Then pretend you're someone really important.
  
  
• If you hit and kill a road worker in a posted construction zone, you will be prosecuted as if you killed two road workers.
  
  
• Most rules of the road can be ignored, if you have your hazard lights flashing.
  
  
• Drinking while you drive is illegal, even if you're only drinking beer. Amazing.
  
  
• If you are excessively speeding in a white Lamborghini and cops are chasing you, have some guys hose the white paint off, revealing that your Lamborghini is actually red. This will confuse the officers.
  
  
• The best defensive driving is good offensive driving.