Poor Martha

Martha Stewart gets out of jail on Friday. She still has to spend five months in home detention, wearing an ankle bracelet and reporting to a parole officer.

She selected her 153-acre Bedford, N.Y. estate north of Manhattan for her confinement, although she will be allowed to leave the grounds for up to 48 hours a week for work.

Wow, that's punishment! She's allowed to leave her home for up to 48 hours a week for work? Basically that's my life: I go to work for 40 hours (ok...30) a week and spend the rest of my time stuck at home. The only difference is that my home is measured in square inches, not acres.

Drunken Oscars Thoughts

After having a few drinks with some screaming kids, I returned I to my house to catch the Oscars. I missed the first 1/2 hour so I missed Chris Rock's intro.

Anyway, I got home, grabbed a bottle of open wine that I've had for about a month, and turned on the Academy Awards.

Now it's about 1 1/2 hours into it. Let me catch you up on what has happened so far: I've had to piss 5 times and I just saw Prince in the audience. That pretty much brings you up to date.

The award for Best Live Action Short is being announced. How exciting! I think "American Wedding" is on Cinemax...yes it is...sweet...Stiffler just ate dog shit!

(Hey, I'm not able to get on Wirthy.com. Hope I didn't forget to pay a bill.)

Some sound guys just won for the Ray Charles movie. I wonder if they're already in work on the Stevie Wonder movie.

Holy shit, another sound award! Back to "American Wedding."

A song from some movie called "The Motorcycle Diaries" is supposedly the first Spanish song nominated for an Oscar, and right now Carlos Santana is playing it, with Antonio Banderas singing. This is going to hold my attention for about 3 seconds. Stiffler just banged Jim's grandma in the closet on "American Wedding."

Best Documentary - Short Subject. If I did a documentary on Geri Keeling, could I win this award? Get it: short subject...Geri. Nevermind.

Wow, that guy from 21 Jump Street somehow got front-row seats.

Now on Cinemax is a movie called "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs" (A man poses as his roommate in hopes of an Internet rendezvous, 90 Min, Adult, TV-MA)...sweet.

Apparently all the Oscar-nominated songs tonight are being sung by Beyonce. Right now she is singing a song from "Polar Express." She has quite the hour glass figure - if the bottom part of the hour glass is ten times the size of the top part.

And the Oscar for Best Chick In A Film goes to Hillary Swank for "Million Dollar Baby." Apparently she's the only actor to win an Oscar for portraying a boxer. Of course everyone knows that the Academy totally screwed over Carl Weathers for his portrayal of Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies.

Time to piss for the 6th time.

The Oscar for movie that I'm most likely to never see goes to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

The girl on "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs" just lifted up her dress at a restaurant and doesn't have any underwear on.

Here's the award for Best Actor in a Leading Role:

Is Don Cheadle the guy from the 7-Up commercials?

Johnny Depp from "21 Jump Street," oh, I mean "Finding Neverland"

Leonardo DiCaprio from "Growing Pains," oh, I mean "The Aviator"

Clint Eastwood from "Space Cowboys," oh, I mean "Million Dollar Baby"

Jamie Foxx from "In Living Color," oh, I mean "Ray"

And the Oscar goes to Jamie Foxx. I hope he already put his name in for the Stevie Wonder movie.

Jamie Foxx's daughter needs dental work. Can't he afford a dentist?

Oprah's in the 4th row, with all the white people.

Dirty Harry just won for Best Directing. His mom is in the audience and he appears to be the same age as her.

Oh my god - to announce Best Motion Picture is Dustin Hoffman and a dairy cow. Oh, wait a second...hold on...oops, my mistake - It's Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand.

And the winner for Best Motion Picture is "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs."

Hellbound

Melissa and I just made a bet on whether the Pope would live past two weeks. I say no. If the old man kicks it in under 14 days, I got free dinner!

I'm going to hell, for sure. But I was probably going there anyway.

Black History Month - Honoring Two Foot Fred

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Two Foot Fred

Brief Bio
Two Foot Fred, who stands 3' 2", appeared in the video "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy" by country singers Big & Rich. He also owns many business including a pub called the Funkey Monkey.

Why he is being honored
For being the funniest goddamn thing in last night's NBA All Star Game half time show.

Be sure to visit www.twofootfred.com

Black History Month - Honoring Reggie Fowler

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Reggie Fowler

Brief Bio
A former Wyoming football player who also played briefly for the Cincinnati Bengals, Fowler recently purchased the Minnesota Vikings. Fowler owns Spiral, Inc. which supplies grocery stores with bags, cups and crap like that. He is worth $400 million.


Why he is being honored
As far as I know, he's the only black man, other than musicians, athletes and drug dealers, to get really rich.

Black History Month - Honoring Black Sidekicks

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Phillip Michael Thomas and Thomas E. Mosley

Brief Bio
Phillip Michael Thomas played Ricardo Tubbs in "Miami Vice." Thomas E. Mosley was Theodore TC Calvin in "Magnum P.I."


Why they are being honored
Unlike their white counterparts Tom Selleck, who went on to many blockbuster projects like "Quigley Down Under," and Don Johnson who continued his A-level career with "Guilty as Sin" and "Tin Cup," Thomas and Mosley forever preserved their 1980's characters by refusing to ever act again in anything that people would ever see.

Black History Month - Honoring Jayson Williams

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Jayson Williams

Brief Bio
Jayson Williams attended St. John's where he averaged 14.9 points per game. He was drafted 21st overall in the 1990 NBA draft. Plagued by injuries throughout his career, he played for Philadelphia and New Jersey over nine years. He is currently attmepting a return to the NBA, currently playing for the Idaho Stampede in the CBA.


Why he is being honored
For not letting the fact that he shot and killed his limo driver ruin his life.

Black History Month - Denouncing The PBA

Instead of honoring someone for Black History Month, today I am denouncing someone.

The Professional Bowlers Association

Brief Bio
The PBA was established in 1958 when 33 charter members banded together to form the Professional Bowlers Association. Today, with over 4,100 members, it remains the acknowledged "major league" of bowling in the world.

Why they are being denounced
Of the 50+ players on the PBA Tour, not a single one is black. The PBA Hall of Fame does not have one black inductee. Shouldn't someone be looking into this?

Black History Month - Honoring Halle Berry

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Halle Berry

Brief Bio
Halle Berry was born on August 14, 1966 in Cleveland. In 1986 she was first runner-up in the Miss USA Pageant. She then went on to star in blockbuster movies like "The Last Boy Scout" and "Bulworth."

Why he is being honored
For creating, what has to be, the best scene in moving history: "Monster's Ball," about half-way through or so.

Brrrr!

Someone turn up the heat, it looks like it's a little nipply.

Black History Month - Honoring O.J. Simpson

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

O.J. Simpson

Brief Bio
O.J. was a two-time All-American from the University of Southern California and a 1968 Heisman Trophy winner. The Buffalo Bills selected him as the No. 1 player in the 1969 NFL draft. In his 11 year career, he rushed for 11,236 yards, scoring 76 touchdowns.

Why he is being honored
Most black people dream of killing at least one white person. O.J. killed two.

Black History Month - Honoring Shawn Kemp

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Shawn Kemp

Brief Bio
Kemp went straight from high school to the NBA, drafted 17th overall in the 1989 draft draft by the Seattle Supersonics. After eight seasons with the Sonics, he played for Cleveland, Portland and Orlando, before retiring in 2003.

Why he is being honored
He has seven children with six women; what an upstanding, responsible member of the black community!

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Revenue!!!

I am pleased to announce that Wirthy.com has generated its first revenue due to a purchase at the Wirthy.com Store.

Nearly five years of paying registration and hosting fees and finally, finally the money is starting to roll in.

Guys, remember that Valentine's Day is coming up. Wouldn't your significant other love to receive a Wirthy.com thong on that day.

Black History Month - Honoring Wesley Snipes

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Wesley Snipes

Brief Bio
Wesley Snipes was born July 31, 1962 in Orlando, FL. He attended the High School for the Performing Arts,popularized in the movie "Fame." After graduating he appeared in local dinner theaters and regional productions. An agent saw him in a competition and got him his first movie role with Goldie Hawn in Wildcats.

Why he is being honored
Is there anybody "blacker" than Wesley Snipes?

Thurman

This entry is for my buddy Thurman who is upset because I don't make as many drunken web log entries as I used to.

Well Thurman, I'm drunk now.

I was at 92nd Street Cafe tonight. Where were you? Every other drunk person your age (old) was there.

Drunk at bar

Black History Month - Honoring Shock-G

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Shock-G of Digital Underground

Brief Bio
Born Gregory Jacobs on August 25, 1963, Shock-G is a founding member of the 80's rap group Digital Underground, which developed a weird sense of style and humor with alter egos and outrageous costumes.

Why he is being honored
Remember "The Humpty Dance?" That song kicked ass!

Black History Month - Honoring Gerrell

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Gerrell

Brief Bio
Gerrell (last name unknown) was my suite-mate for one semester in college; and he is black.

Why he is being honored
He never assaulted or robbed me during the four months I knew him.

Black History Month - Honoring Lark Voohries

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Lark Voohries

Brief Bio
Lark was born on March 15, 1974 in Tennessee. She first began acting at the age of two but postponed her acting career until the age of 11, when she appeared in "Small Wonder". She is best (and pretty much only) known for her role as Lisa Turtle in "Save by the Bell."

Why she is being honored
From 1989 - 1993 she was the hottest black girl on TV.