Drunken Oscars Thoughts

After having a few drinks with some screaming kids, I returned I to my house to catch the Oscars. I missed the first 1/2 hour so I missed Chris Rock's intro.

Anyway, I got home, grabbed a bottle of open wine that I've had for about a month, and turned on the Academy Awards.

Now it's about 1 1/2 hours into it. Let me catch you up on what has happened so far: I've had to piss 5 times and I just saw Prince in the audience. That pretty much brings you up to date.

The award for Best Live Action Short is being announced. How exciting! I think "American Wedding" is on Cinemax...yes it is...sweet...Stiffler just ate dog shit!

(Hey, I'm not able to get on Wirthy.com. Hope I didn't forget to pay a bill.)

Some sound guys just won for the Ray Charles movie. I wonder if they're already in work on the Stevie Wonder movie.

Holy shit, another sound award! Back to "American Wedding."

A song from some movie called "The Motorcycle Diaries" is supposedly the first Spanish song nominated for an Oscar, and right now Carlos Santana is playing it, with Antonio Banderas singing. This is going to hold my attention for about 3 seconds. Stiffler just banged Jim's grandma in the closet on "American Wedding."

Best Documentary - Short Subject. If I did a documentary on Geri Keeling, could I win this award? Get it: short subject...Geri. Nevermind.

Wow, that guy from 21 Jump Street somehow got front-row seats.

Now on Cinemax is a movie called "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs" (A man poses as his roommate in hopes of an Internet rendezvous, 90 Min, Adult, TV-MA)...sweet.

Apparently all the Oscar-nominated songs tonight are being sung by Beyonce. Right now she is singing a song from "Polar Express." She has quite the hour glass figure - if the bottom part of the hour glass is ten times the size of the top part.

And the Oscar for Best Chick In A Film goes to Hillary Swank for "Million Dollar Baby." Apparently she's the only actor to win an Oscar for portraying a boxer. Of course everyone knows that the Academy totally screwed over Carl Weathers for his portrayal of Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies.

Time to piss for the 6th time.

The Oscar for movie that I'm most likely to never see goes to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

The girl on "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs" just lifted up her dress at a restaurant and doesn't have any underwear on.

Here's the award for Best Actor in a Leading Role:

Is Don Cheadle the guy from the 7-Up commercials?

Johnny Depp from "21 Jump Street," oh, I mean "Finding Neverland"

Leonardo DiCaprio from "Growing Pains," oh, I mean "The Aviator"

Clint Eastwood from "Space Cowboys," oh, I mean "Million Dollar Baby"

Jamie Foxx from "In Living Color," oh, I mean "Ray"

And the Oscar goes to Jamie Foxx. I hope he already put his name in for the Stevie Wonder movie.

Jamie Foxx's daughter needs dental work. Can't he afford a dentist?

Oprah's in the 4th row, with all the white people.

Dirty Harry just won for Best Directing. His mom is in the audience and he appears to be the same age as her.

Oh my god - to announce Best Motion Picture is Dustin Hoffman and a dairy cow. Oh, wait a second...hold on...oops, my mistake - It's Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand.

And the winner for Best Motion Picture is "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs."