Drunken thoughts on the MTV Movie Awards

(Thursday night)

First drunken thought: I can't believe I am really watching the MTV Movie Awards.

Nicole Richie and Fat Joe are conducting the red carpet interviews. I can't understand a single word Fat Joe says. They should have subtitles, so people from the Midwest can follow along.



What's with Jessica Simpson 's black eyes? Hopefully they're from a Nick Lachey beating.



Best On-Screen Team: "Mean Girls'" Lindsay Lohan and three girls nobody has ever heard of.



Commercial break - Spurs up by 11 over the Pistons.

Eminem is performing a song about his daughter, while video of her plays behind him. I liked it a lot more when he rapped about killing her mother. It appears he needs to pee, because he keeps grabbing himself.

Spurs won.

The award for Best Breakthrough Male Performance went to the kid from "Napoleon Dynamite." Hey, he looks like Beck! Why do I think we'll never see this guy again, except for maybe in Napoleon Dynamite II?



Dustin Hoffman just won Best Comedic Performance for his role in "Meet The Fockers." He has to be the oldest person in the building. He's grabbing his crotch and running around the stage. How sad. I wonder where this award will be 24 hours from now. Proudly displayed next to his Oscars, or in a dumpster outside the MTV Movie Awards?

Mariah Carey is performing her new song and it is supposedly #1 in the country. What the hell - is it 1991 again?

Best Frightened Performance goes to Dakota Fanning for "Hide and Seek." She also won for Worst Teeth for a Six Year Old.



Hugest Boobs from an Audience Member went to Jennifer Tilly. I presented this award myself; it was not an official MTV award.

Ok, here is the "Breakfast Club" reunion. I heard about this a little while ago. The only ones who showed were Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall, Molly Ringwald and the guy who played the teacher. Hmm...maybe Molly Ringwald is the oldest person here, not Dustin Hoffman. Ally Sheedy looks pretty hot. She didn't talk at all - instead just stood in the back, waving her arms in the air like a maniac. Judd Nelson was at the show but didn't join the cast on stage. Maybe he'll show up for the "Suddenly Susan" reunion in a few years.





How come host Jimmy Fallon never tucks his shirt in?

Katie Holmes presented the first ever MTV Generation award to Tom Cruise. They show a montage of his movies: explosion...race car...You complete me (What ever happened to that kid from "Jerry Maguire?")...explosion...I want the truth...I feel the need, the need for speed...explosion...shoot gun...car chase...flying jet...Show me the money...explosion...Kmart sucks...sex in train...car chase...explosion...

Hey, Katie Holmes brought her dad out. Oh wait, that's Tom Cruise.



Just to ensure that the MTV Movie Awards has absolutely no credibility, Hillary Swank got beat by Lindsay Lohan for Best Female Performance. So Hillary managed to win the Oscar for Best Actress but couldn't score an MTV Award. In her acceptance speech, Lindsay thanks her family and specifically mentions her mom but not her dad. Wonder why.

Do these MTV kids know that the Foo Fighters are 50 years old?



Tom Cruise carries out Dakota Fanning to present the Best Movie award. They'll be dating in ten years.



And the winner is...suspense building...Dakota opens the envelope but isn't old enough to read.

The best movie is "Napoleon Dynamite." A bunch of guys who look like they've never been laid come up to accept.

I'm going to bed and will try to forget that I just wasted three hours of my life.

(All pictures were taken from MTV.com, without permission.)