State of the Wirthy Address

She's as stupid as she was when she fell in the well

'Baby Jessica' Marries

She's getting married at age 19 to a 32-year-old. In six years, she stands to earn $1 million. We'll see how this turns out.

Orphaned again

I finally sent the parents on their way back to the frozen midwest. I had to do some of the tourist stuff, which isn't my thing. I even went to church with them, which definitely isn't my thing. But since I only see my parents once every few years, I have fewer opportunities than my siblings to solidify my inheritance position.



We spent one morning walking around Old Town Scottsdale, which is made up of dozens of shops all selling the same stuff - Indian jewelry and leather goods.

Another morning was spent at a flea market. I was going to buy 100 socks for $10, but passed.

Parents met girlfriend a couple of times. That went well. I think they are hoping someday I'll marry. They're going to be disappointed.

So I said goodbye to them yesterday. As I walked to my car I was crying heavily. Dad thought it was because they were leaving, but the tears began flowing once I realized he wasn't going to give me any cash.

I predict a time when a school teacher NEVER has to go to work.

"A widely cited national study shows that teachers are absent more often than other professionals."

No Half-Nekkid Thursday

I was going to post a Half-Nekkid Thursday entry today but my dad started questioning why I was taking naked pictures of myself. So no entry today.

Guidelines for "Half-Nekkid Thursday
My HNT Archive

What others are doing this week



Displaced from my own bed in my own house. At least if there is a flash flood, I'll be the only one to survive.

Wirthy angry!

Today is my parent's fourth vacation day here in Arizona and they're finally going to make it to my house. Since I am supposed to pick them up at 2:00pm, I decided to work from home.

Everything was going fine until around 10:30am when I started get started getting instant messages from my incompetent coworkers.



So I got my lazy ass into the Daewoo and drove to my office.



Right as I'm pulling up, I get a call from one of my coworkers saying that everything is now working, no need for me to come in. So now I either look at internet porn for a couple of hours or find a local bar.

Today in history

1997 - I began my third week of living in Arizona. Having grown tired of looking for a job, I started spending most of my time shooting pool and walking around the mall.

I still went to the library regularly to use the computers but, instead of searching job ads, I mainly just e-mailed my dad to send more money.

Remember that guy from "Footloose" who didn't know how to dance?

Well, he's dead.

Actor Chris Penn found dead

It's about friggin' time

'Magnum P.I.' coming to big screen

Nasty

Janet Jackson then and now.

Another drunken Knight Rider thought

So, I was watching Knight Rider tonight (What year is it?)...

Michael needs to make a phone call and has K.I.T.T. pull over at a nearby phonebooth. This goddamn K.I.T.T. talks, goes over 200mph, has AM-FM cassette, shoots lasers, makes potpies, and can launch itself through the air. But it can't make a phone call? What the fuck?!

I guess maybe, at 31-years-old, I'm not supposed to be watching this show anymore.


All this shit and they couldn't put in a phone?

"Mom, Dad; it's me, your son! Remember?"

Saturday night, my parents arrived in Arizona for an 8-day vacation. They were so excited to see me after 1 1/2 years that, upon landing, they called to say they would be spending the night at someone else's house and that we'd hook up later.

I did see them for a few hours yesterday but have no idea where they are today. They said they would try to get to my place later in the week.

I am SO not their favorite child.

Can a TV tray change your life?

Over the weekend, I saw the commercial for Table-Mate about a dozen times. I've never seen people so frustrated and in pain suddenly filled with joy and excitement, all because they got a new TV tray.

Click here to see the commercial. My favorite is the woman who throws out her back trying to use her old TV tray.

My poor Daewoo Leganza

My car has been sitting in the bar parking lot for two nights.

Last night I was too intoxicated to remember how to drive so the Wirthymobile had to stay put.

Today, being Work-from-home-Friday, I didn't need my car. This evening we went to pick it up with girlfriend's car. But, hard to believe - we ended up staying at the bar for five hours. I maintained an acceptable level of sobriety and, since girlfriend doesn't like leaving her car at the bar because it is nicer than my car, we took her's home, leaving my poor Daewoo behind.

Now I am rewarding my responsibility by getting drunk at home.

Bet you don't know anybody else who drives a Daewoo.

What year is it?

According to my DVR, it's 1985.

Work-from-bed-Friday

I am oh so thankful for wireless technology, for it allowed me to spend the first hour of work in bed this morning. I was hurting very much, still am a little.

I'm not sure why I feel so shitty but I bet it has something to do with the vast amount of beer and whiskey I drank last night. Some friends and I took in a Phoenix Coyotes game and then celebrated the team's win by continuing to drink at a bar (we probably would have done this, had the Coyotes lost.).

A couple hours ago I made my way to the couch. I probably shouldn't move much more today.

HNT - running low on ideas

Whenever I can't come up with a fucking hilarious HNT idea, I cop out and just dig into my archives of embarassing photos.

Here's me, circa 1993. I was 19 years old in a Minneapolis hotel room with a 12-pack of beer and some guy sneaking up behind me. Damn, I was a dork! When the hell did I drink Miller Genuine Draft?

Guidelines for "Half-Nekkid Thursday
My HNT Archive

Here's what other HNTers are doing this week

Liquid lunch, and then some

At 1:00pm I left my office to go to lunch. I never returned.

As I was walking to my car, a friend called to say that he and another friend were on their way to a nearby bar. That seemed as good a place as any to have lunch.

Well, one BLT and one beer eventually turned into one BLT and many beers. And, like I mentioned earlier, I forgot to go back to work. Oh well.

Happy MLK Day!

Apparently I've always worked for racist companies because I don't think I've ever had Martin Luther King Day off. This year is no exception.

Instead of honoring this great Civil Rights leader by sleeping late and getting drunk, I'm stuck in the office, surfing porn sites and playing internet checkers.

Back in business

As reported earlier, my laptop took a shit on Friday. I shopped around for a new one yesterday but didn't buy one. It wasn't the end of the world, as I still had my desktop computer.

This morning I go to turn it on, to see what was new in the world of internet pornography and it didn't work. I checked all the connections and tried it again and again and again. Nothing.

How can both of my computers die on the same weekend? Maybe it was like when one spouse dies shortly after losing the other. Johnny Cash lived only five months after his wife June died.

Anyhow, the situation had just turned serious. How could I function without the internet? How would I get my news? Was there a terrorist attack overnight? Who won last night's NBA games? How can I even find out what day it is?

Off to Best Buy. They had one reduced from $699 to $549. The nice thing about using computers that are a quite a few years old is that even the cheapest new computer is an improvement.

So here is my new toy. It hasn't even been infected by porn viruses yet. But how long can that last?

Redundant again

Just like I think it is redundant to say "gay cowboys," isn't "gay rodeo" also a bit redundant. Just say "rodeo." The "gay" part will be assumed.

Cowboys saddle up for annual gay rodeo

This has already been invented. It's called alcohol.

Scientists at work on a pill to fade traumatic memories

For over a decade, I have been erasing memories by drinking large quantities of alcohol. It not only suppresses traumatic memories, it also works on more trivial ones such as: "Where did I leave my car?" and "Why does my ass hurt and where are my pants?"

Oh oh!

The laptop I "borrowed" from my office so Work-from-home-Fridays could be Work-from-bed-Fridays, Work-from-patio-Fridays and Work-from-couch-Fridays just died.

For a couple weeks the screen would flicker and this morning it finally went black. Now I'm stuck working from my desktop computer in my bedroom. So I have two options:

• Buy a new laptop, or
• Move my big-screen TV into my bedroom every Friday.

I'm a good boyfriend, every other night

After work yesterday I went straight to the bar to have a couple beers with friends. I called girlfriend and told her to go to my house and I'd be there around 6:30pm.

At 7:00pm I called her again to say that I was just finishing my last drink and that I would bring dinner home.

At 10:30pm I finally made it home, but without any dinner.

So today after work, I also went out for a couple of beers. I told girlfriend I would call her around 6:30pm and that I would pick up Chinese food. This time I did call her, right on time. I told her to meet me at my place and, if it wasn't too much trouble, pick up some Chinese.

HNT

I was going to post this late last night but instead I got drunk. So drunk that I completely forgot about HNT until right now.



Guidelines for "Half-Nekkid Thursday
My HNT Archive

Today in history

1995 - Michael Jackson released a statement saying, "I will no longer stand by and watch reckless members of the media try to destroy my reputation." The statement was a response to unsubstantiated rumors of a video depicting Jackson fooling around with a young boy. It really worked too, because we never really heard anything more about the subject.

1996 - Sonny Bono needed eleven stitches to close a gash in his chin after colliding with another skier. "This is getting dangerous. Maybe I should quit skiing. " "Nah, I'll be fine."

I'd be Mr. Less-than-average

Last night I watched The Fantastic Four. It's a movie about a group of astronauts who gain superpowers after being exposed to cosmic radiation. Each has distinct individual powers:

The Thing: Superhuman strength and endurance. Nearly impregnable, rock-like hide.




Mr. Fantastic: Body can stretch, expand or compress into any shape.




Invisible Girl: Ability to render herself invisible. Projects invisible force fields.




Human Torch: Can control heat energy, enabling him to sheathe his body in an envelope of flame.




My favorite is Thing but I most relate to Mr. Fantastic because, from time to time, a certain part of my body stretches in size, although it's barely noticeable.

Brad Pitt continues to fuck up his life

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Confirm Pregnancy