People In Photos of Above-Ground Pools Exhibit Much More Enjoyment Than Actually Attainable From Above-Ground Pools

Phoenix Suns Look To Trade O'Neal For Marion

PHOENIX, AZ -- After losing 3 of 5 games since Shaquille O'Neal joined the team via a trade that sent Shawn Marion to the Miami Heat, the Phoenix Suns are looking to trade the 35-year-old center to the Heat for forward, Shawn Marion.

The Suns "run 'n' gun" style has produced much regular-season success, but has not led to success in the playoffs, which generally feature a slower, half-court style of game. On Feb. 6, they sent Marion and guard, Marcus Banks, to the Heat for 14-time all-star, O'Neal.

O'Neal's first game with Phoenix was a 130-124 loss to his former team, the Los Angeles Lakers. After an impressive win against the league-leading Boston Celtics, the Suns lost 2 of their next 4 games, including a humiliating 30-point loss to the Detroit Pistons.

With their Western Conference standings slipping and a difficult remaining schedule, Phoenix is looking for one more blockbuster trade to regain its dominance: Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat for Shawn Marion.

"We're looking to add some speed and versatility to our game," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "We feel that Shawn would be a perfect fit."

Suns guard, Steve Nash, said he would love to play with Marion and even called him personally to express his interest.

Miami has offered no public comment on the proposal but most sportswriters doubt the trade will happen, since the NBA trade deadline passed a week ago.

Suns GM, Steve Kerr, says that if the O'Neal-Marion trade doesn't happen, he already has a call into the Houston Rockets to see if they still have Charles Barkley and if they're interested in trading him.

Dear Wirthy

DEAR WIRTHY: I am a 47-year-old woman who has been married for 19 years to a good man. He's a good father and husband who doesn't even drink. So please tell me why I cannot stand him anymore -- his voice, his laugh and anything about him. I just want out, and I don't know why. Please tell me what to do. -- LET ME OUT

DEAR LET ME: You think you have it bad? Your husband's married to a 47-year-old. That can't be a treat. Look for him to start drinking very soon.



DEAR WIRTHY: What is the appropriate way to inform my family and friends that my wedding has been canceled. -- NOTTA BRIDE

DEAR NOTTA: Don't worry -- empty church, no minister, no bride, no groom -- they'll figure it out eventually.



DEAR WIRTHY: I'm 17 and have a 14-year-old sister who is mentally retarded. My mother recently asked me to promise that I'll always take care of her when she no longer can. I think it's unfair but Mom says it's my obligation because she's family. What do I do? -- BIG BROTHER

DEAR BIG BROTHER: If the time does come when your mother looks to you to continue caring for your retarded sister, simply take "sis" to the mall and leave; or put her on a bus to anywhere -- she'll never find her way back.

Cell Phones Prevent STD

A new study by a Cleveland research team (Cleveland -- Where all top research is performed.) says that cell phone use may decrease male fertility.

I keep a couple phones shoved down my pants at all time -- anything to prevent contracting the worst-ever Sexually Transmitted Disease ... fatherhood.

Air Force Pleased With Progressive Insurance After Crash

An Air Force pilot who crashed his B-2 Bomber Saturday said that he is very pleased with the service he received from Progressive Insurance.

Patrick West's stealth jet crashed on take-off at Anderson airbase in Guam. He and his co-pilot ejected safely.

After parachuting to the ground, West called his superior to inform him of the accident and then immediately placed a call to his Progressive Insurance agent, Stan Morton.

"I was a little shaken up. Anytime you're in an accident with a company vehicle, it's stressful." West said. "But Stan showed up within an hour and really put me at ease."

"He inspected the damage, filed my claim and took care of all the paperwork. He even got me a rental fighter plane. I was back at my office within an hour."

Morton said that the $1.2 billion aircraft is more than likely a total loss. The Air Force will be responsible for the $850 million deductible.

The Air Force chose Progressive for its insurance needs in 1998, after it was shown Progressive's rates and the rates of its competitors.

"Sometimes they're the lowest, sometimes they're not," said Colonel Karl McSparet, adding that, whenever possible, the Air Force takes advantage of good driver and multiple vehicle discounts.

Drunken Thoughts on the Academy Awards

Another Hollywood awards show. You know what that means: me, my laptop, and a bottle of $4 bottle of merlot.

So here are my drunken thoughts on the 80th Annual Academy Awards.

The first award, Achievement in Costume Design, went to "Elizabeth The Golden Age." "Transformers" wasn't even nominated. Dresses from the 1500s -- big frickin' deal. Did you see those robots? They were huge! And they changed into cars and helicopters and stuff. Now those were costumes!

The award for Whitest Person Ever goes to Anne Hathaway.



The award for Achievement in Make-up went to some movie "La Vie En Rose." C'mon! Do you know how much make-up is needed to make an actor look like a transforming robot? Whatever.

The nominees for Achievement in Visual Effects are "The Golden Compass," "Pirates of the Caribbean," and "Transformers". And the winner is ... "The Golden Compass?" Don't get me wrong -- a talking polar bear is pretty cool but, seriously, in "Transformers" I saw a Camaro turn into a giant, talking, ass-kicking robot!

When I saw that Hal Holbrook was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, I immediately thought that he died this past year. Then the camera showed him in the audience and, sadly, yes, he is dead.




There's an award for Best Live Action Short Film. What there should be is an award for Best Live Action Insufferably Long Film, because Friday night I started watching "The Assassination of Jesse James" and it just ended a few minutes ago.

Ruby Dee's performance in "American Gangster" earned her a nomination for Best Supporting Actress. Didn't she also sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John? Oh, wait -- that was Kiki Dee. (I thought that was funny when I wrote it during my SAG Awards coverage, so I figured: what the hell.)

The accounting firm, PricewaterhouseCoopers, tabulates and certifies the votes for the Academy Awards. Anyone over there ever heard of a "space"? It's the thing you put between words, to separate one from the other. Anyone?

The awards for Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing went to "The Bourne Ultimatum". I remember walking out of the theater after seeing this film last summer and saying, "Now that's how a movie should be sound edited and sound mixed!"

The Best Actress in a Leading Role went to a woman I've never heard of, whose name I can't pronounce, for her work in a movie I've never heard of and, also, can not pronounce.



Damn my DVR finally caught up to real time, so now I have to listen to the remaining Best Song nominees.

The In Memoriam segment where they honor all the movie people who have died -- my favorite. The audience's level of applause indicates how important the person is: Harold Michelson, production designer for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" got no applause. Suzanne Pleshette received mild applause. But the Kodak Theatre could barely contain the applause for Heath Ledger, the most important actor of our time.

Amy Adams is presenting the award for Best Original Score . Eager to find out who the hell she is, I did a little internet research and stumbled upon something very disturbing: They're making Night at the Museum 2.

A little something I just learned: With two Oscar wins, Tom Hanks has only one more Academy award than Cuba Gooding, Jr. That doesn't quite seem right. And sadly, Carl Weathers has never even been nominated.

Diablo Cody, a former stripper, won the Best Original Screenplay for "Juno." Next time I'm getting a lap dance from Sierra, Asia, Destiny or some other young woman working her way through medical school (or law school or hypnotist school), maybe I'll actually believe her.

The Best Director award went to the Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, for "No Country For Old Men." My brother and I used to dominate at Golden Tee at a Bennigan's down the street but, other than that, we've accomplished nothing together.

Oh drunk, going to bed now.

Navy to Shoot Down ABC Family Satellite

ARLINGTON, VA -- After a successful missile launch that destroyed a wayward U.S. spy satellite last week, the Navy is now making plans to shoot down the ABC Family Channel satellite.

Navy officials say that the satellite, which primarily beams syndicated re-runs of sitcoms like "Full House" and "8 Simple Rules" to cable and satellite TV subscribers, no longer provides any benefit to the country.

The Pentagon has concerns that, if the satellite is allowed to eventually fall to Earth, foreign countries could gain access to the information on-board, including all 42 episodes of the Christina Applegate series "Jesse" and the 2004 made-for-TV movie "The Karate Dog" starring Pat Morita and featuring the voice of Chevy Chase.

The satellite is also used by Sirius Satellite Radio's OUTATIME channel that plays only songs from the "Back To The Future" soundtrack.

NBA Players Build Crappy Houses

As part of the National Basketball Association's NBA Cares program, current and former NBA players helped Hurricane Katrina victims by building houses -- really shitty houses.

Billed as the "NBA Cares All-Star Day of Service," the world's best basketball players fanned out across New Orleans to help rebuilding efforts during the NBA All-Star Weekend.

Phoenix Suns Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire, who are masters of the pick-and-roll but know nothing about electricity, wired two houses that immediately burned to the ground.

NBA Commissioner David Stern, who along with Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki, built a porch that collapsed moments later, said: "New Orleans suffered a great tragedy. What we're doing is providing a small helping hand in its overall recovery."

Delores and Keith Crasten's two-story house was completely submerged when the levees failed over two years ago, but now their home is being rebuilt, not by skilled carpenters and contractors, but by Muggsy Bogues, Tony Parker and George "The Ice Man" Gervin.

"I just don't know what to say," an emotional Mrs. Crasten said while watching Gervin secure her new staircase with zip ties and velcro.

Mr. Crasten watched as Gary Payton and Luke Walton reconstructed his garage, which now is little more than plywood sheets balanced on top of his Ford pickup.

During last year's All-Star Weekend, NBA players delivered babies at Desert Springs Hospital in Las Vegas, and in 2006 they assisted Houston police in taking down inner-city drug gangs.

Ahmad Rashad Will Not Dress His Age

Ahmad Rashad is 59, but don't tell him that he can't dress like the cool kids do.

Check out his jeans on "NBA All-Star Special." He either stopped by the mall before the show or got his ass kicked by the Knicks in the parking lot.

Fall From the Face of the Earth Kills Band

SALEM, OR -- Oregon State Police are reporting that Grammy award-winning band, The Wallflowers, have died after falling off the face of the Earth.

The Wallflowers was led by singer/songwriter Jakob Dylan -- youngest son of Bob Dylan. The band rose to fame when its second album, 1996's Bringing Down The Horse, topped the charts -- largely due to the hit song "One Headlight." They released three subsequent albums between 2000 - 2005 but failed to recreate its earlier success.

The band's management issued a statement this morning: "We are sad to report that last night, after a rousing performance at the Spirit Mountain Casino in Grand Ronde, OR, the Wallflowers sadly dropped off the face of the Earth."

The band was on its way to play a Sunday night show at Jerry's Bar & Grill in Wichita, KS.

A similar tragedy befell "Torn" singer, Natalie Imbruglia, in 2004.

I Can't Fight HNT

I'm not good at putting my feelings into words -- when I'm sober, that is. Luckily Hallmark has teamed up with arena rock band REO Speedwagon to make sure I never again have to struggle to display actual feeling and emotion. (Here's the link to Hallmark's Cards with Sound)

Drunken Thoughts on 'Death Sentence'

Last night I watched "Death Sentence." It's a movie about a successful executive, Kevin Bacon, who is married to John Travolta's wife, Kelly Preston, and has two sons. Brendan, the oldest son, is a good looking, popular high school athlete. The younger son, Lucas, is none of those things so, rightfully, is not cared about.

Kevin Bacon and his beloved son, Brendan Bacon, are driving home from a hockey game, discussing Brendan's college options when the car's low gas alert begins to chirp. Apparently when this car says it is low on fuel, it is REALLY low because Kevin Bacon has to immediately pull into the first gas station he sees -- in a very questionable part of town. I usually drive for a couple days on empty.

While Kevin is pumping gas, Brendan goes inside to get himself a slurpy. Meanwhile in the underworld: A ruthless gang enters this same service station so one of its pledges can perform a required initiation murder and gain membership. Since there wasn't a whole lot of potential victims to choose from, Brendan becomes the unlucky target and is killed.

After burying his son, Kevin Bacon has two choices: to let the legal system punish the killer, or take matters into his own hands. Since he is simply a risk assessment manager and far from a tough guy, one would think the choice would be obvious. One would be wrong.

So, armed with garden tools and a brief case that he can swing like a son-of-a-bitch, Kevin sets off to avenge his son's death.

Watching this movie at midnight, I was very entertained, but also drunk. Looking back at it this morning, it was really quite stupid. How did Kevin Bacon so quickly transform from mild-mannered suburbanite to Rambo? There's a scene where he buys an arsenal of guns but has to read the instructions to learn how to use them. Moments later, he's mowing down bad guys like he was the star of "Die Hard" -- not "She's Having A Baby." If he would have mustered up half this determination in "Footloose," he would have had no problems throwing a school dance.

And what kind of gang is this? They get their asses kicked by a "suit." And another thing: they are all white, tattooed skin heads, except for one black guy. How comfortable can he feel in that environment?

This movie was one Kelly Preston nude scene away from being mediocre.

Funny Picture, Not-So-Funny Story

Click picture for story

Man Has Most Successful Marriage Ever

Bride Dies During First Dance

Today In History

1949 - Judith Light was born.

Judith is an actress, best known for playing advertising executive Angela Bower on the sitcom "Who's The Boss?" She also has a recurring role on ABC's "Ugly Betty."

In 1984, Tony Danza walked in on her while she was taking a bath.

Judith is a spokesperson for an anti-gay product, Proactive Solution, and is also an acne rights activist.

Correction: I guess she is a spokesperson for an anti-acne product and a is a gay rights activist.

Everyone Gets Better Presents Than I Do

Mom Gave Child Alcohol, Marijuana On Birthday

On my 11th birthday, I got a transformer -- Megatron, the Decepticon leader. This girl gets beer and pot. I got a transforming piece of plastic.

The Following Takes Place During a Writers Strike

With "24's" writers on strike, Jack Bauer's days are a little more mundane than they used to be.

The following takes place between 6:00AM - 7:00AM: Has breakfast, breaks the secret code puzzle on the Lucky Charms box in under ten seconds.

7:00AM - 8:00AM: Links himself to Kevin Bacon in one step: "I was in 'A Few Good Men' with Kevin Bacon."

8:00AM - 9:00AM: Interrogates neighbor about missing newspaper, electrocutes him with toaster cord.

10:00AM - 11:00AM: "Live with Regis & Kelly"




11:00AM - 12:00PM: Updates MySpace page to indicate love of punk rock and torture.

12:00PM - 1:00PM: Scrapbooking.




1:00PM - 2:00PM: Laundry.

2:00PM - 3:00PM: Sends resume to "CSI: Miami."

3:00PM - 4:00PM: Tries to disarm microwave.

4:00PM - 5:00M: Texts President picture of his ass.




5:00PM - 6:00PM: Massive shit.




6:00PM - 7:00PM: Calls Verizon, upgrades his plan to allow unlimited nuclear power plant schematic downloads.

7:00PM - 8:00PM: Accesses government surveillance satellite to track hot waitress from Applebees.

8:00PM - 9:00PM: Dominates at Duck Hunt.




9:00PM - 10:00PM: Gets kicked out of Blockbuster for causing a scene when they didn't have "Young Guns II."

10:00PM - 11:00PM: Watches a special two-part "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" where Hilary and Carlton learn a valuable life lesson while volunteering at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving.

11:00PM - 12:00AM: "Discharges his weapon," if you know what I mean.

"What is Rerun HNT?"

My writers are on strike, so please enjoy this Half Nekkid Thursday rerun.

Today In History

Axl Rose and Ronald Reagan were born.

Rocking The Vote

I think I am perfectly fine leaving the fate of our country in the hands of people who love standing in lines. Yeah ... I think I'm fine with it.

I got to my voting place -- a junior high school -- around 5:20PM. For the next hour I witnessed democracy at its finest and efficiency at its worst. I think I have a court order that says I'm not supposed to spend that much time at a junior high school. I thought about playing the "crippled card" and cutting to the front of the line but I like to save that for really important places -- like strip clubs.

As I neared the front, I got to see American hatred grow in the eyes of fellow voters as they continued down the hall -- past the science room, the "February is Library Lovers Month" poster, and the girls softball sign-up sheet -- to take their place at the back of the line.

When it was finally my turn to vote, I wasn't sure that our country was still facing the same issues it was when I first got in line. Have the troops been called home? Can a guy still knock up a chick and legally fix the situation for less than the price of a HDTV? Is my mortgage interest rate still 32%?

All that work to write in my vote for former Starship singer, Mickey Thomas.

Classic 80's Scene

Scenario:

Two cars -- one good, one bad -- are driving on a desolate highway in a 1980's TV action-drama. The trailing car pulls up next to the other vehicle and attempts to ram it off the road. This strategy is never successful the first time, so it is repeated multiple times until one of the cars is forced from the road, always going airborne and landing upside down.

In the history of real life, has anyone ever performed this maneuver? Have police officers ever stopped fleeing bank robbers like this? Has a real world gangster ever used this tactic to prevent a witness from testifying in court?

In every situation, at least one of the parties involved has a gun. But instead of shooting at the other car, they continue to bump back and forth. I always wondered why the driver of the car being attacked didn't just slam on the brakes and let the other car sweep by, like my buddy Street Hawk does in this clip:

Monday Struggles to Compete With Neighboring Days

In a week of super-sized events that includes Super Bowl Sunday and Super Tuesday, Monday finds itself struggling for recognition.

Sunday the sporting world sets its focus on Glendale, AZ, and the 42nd Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. With the Patriots vying for a perfect undefeated season, it is predicted to be the most watched Super Bowl of all time.

Two days later the country will turn its attention to Super Tuesday, the day when the greatest number of states -- 24 this year -- holds presidential primary elections.

In between these two high profile days is Monday, plain old Monday. With thousands of Americans suffering through post-Super Bowl hangovers, this day has never enjoyed a great reputation. But Monday wants its chance to compete with its more glamorous week-mates.

"Monday might not have a big name event like the Super Bowl, but it offers some real quality entertainment," said Monday's spokesperson, Phillip Bostran. "We've got the CBS sit-com 'The New Adventures of Old Christine,' starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, returning for its third season; Comedy Central is airing a couple of really good 'Scrubs' reruns; and guess who is going to be on 'Regis' -- Martin Lawrence!"

"Oh sure, Monday isn't going to have any events as significant as the primaries," Bostran continued. "But it is Independence Day in Sri Lanka."

Bostran also added that, if the Super Bowl didn't satisfy your sporting needs, check your local listings Monday night and watch the LA Clippers and New York Knicks battle to stay at the bottom of their respective divisions.

"Just give Monday a chance," Bostran requested. "Its better than Wednesday which has been riding that damn 'hump day' crap way too long."

Gas Prices Rise at Same Rate Wesley Snipes' Career Declines

At the end of the 1980s, a gallon of gas cost $1.02 and Wesley Snipes was in the hit comedy "Major League." 29 years later, fuel costs have tripled and Snipes is battling legal troubles and appearing in direct-to-DVD movies.

Throughout the first half of the 1990s, gas prices hovered around $1.10; Snipes was in "New Jack City" and "Jungle Fever." But by 1996 the average cost per gallon surpassed $1.20 and Snipes was appearing in the box office bomb "One Night Stand" -- a far cry from previous blockbusters like "Demolition Man."

As fuel prices continued climbing past $2 a gallon, Snipes' Hollywood career remained on a decline. In 1998 he starred in the made-for-TV movie "Futuresport" in which a sport combining basketball, baseball and hockey is created to reduce gang warfare. In 2002 he appeared in "ZigZag" which, according to IMDB.com, grossed $2,418 at the box office.

Now, with crude oil prices topping a record $100 a barrel, researchers say demand is simply overwhelming supply. Many Hollywood insiders feel the same phenomenon is occurring with Wesley Snipes.

"It's simple supply and demand," said Gary Landers, Associate Editor at Entertainment Weekly. "We have guys like Steven Seagal, Val Kilmer and Wesley (Snipes). Is there really a demand for all of them? Is there even a demand for one of them?"

Snipes was charged with conspiracy and tax fraud in 2006. He faced over 16 years in prison, but this week was acquitted of the most serious charges. He still, however, faces up to three years imprisonment and must pay $17 million in back taxes plus penalties and interest.

While gas prices have tumbled slightly in recent weeks, there is no evidence that Snipes' career will rebound any time soon. He just completed work on "Gallowwalker" -- a horror western film; not exactly a genre that has been known to produce successful films.

Drunken thoughts on '24' Season 1

Girlfriend's mom gave me the "24" season 1 box set for Christmas. I am a huge "24" fan and have not missed an episode. But I haven't seen the first season since it originally aired.

I finished the last DVD a couple nights ago and here's a few drunken thoughts:

In the first two hours, I went to the bathroom five times; Kiefer Sutherland didn't go at all.

Elisha Cuthbert turned a starring role in a hit show into one of the worst careers in Hollywood history, appearing in several movies that no one saw (The Quiet, Captivity and The Girl Next Door in which she played a porn star who never gets naked).

Our country clearly has decided it is time for a serious African American presidential candidate, after seeing "Major League's" Pedro Cerrano earn the Democratic nomination at the end of the first season.

If you're a government agent known only by your last name (example: Agent Samuels, Agent Hollister), you are going to be killed very soon -- probably during the same episode you first appeared in.

Perhaps someone should evaluate the Human Resources department at CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit). In season #1, two moles -- spies working on behalf of terrorists -- managed to get hired at the government agency, a common situation that would occur in future seasons. Maybe review the whole application process; here's a thought:

Do you currently work for a terrorist,
intent on destroying our country? [ ] Yes [ ] No

If "Yes," may we contact your current terrorist organization?

al Qaeda is Blowing Up Disabled People

In Baghdad, terrorists strapped bombs on two mentally disabled women and sent them into a busy market. The bombs were detonated, killing more than 50 people.

This is very sad and -- you know -- a little careless on the terrorists' part. What if these women diverted from their target, to find a TV showing "The People's Court" before Wapner starts in four minutes?