Weddings are scams

Weddings are the biggest money-making scam ever! What a return on investment: every invitation sent out must yield, at the very least, a $20 profit.

I am invited to two weddings tomorrow but I will only attend one, as the other is 2,000 miles away.

So, I bought two identical cards at the dollar store (two cards for one buck) and wrote out two checks. To compute the gift amount, I use a complex formula that involves variables like the number of years I've known the bride and/or groom, whether there is a blood relation, how long I think the marriage will last, and pi (3.14).

For the wedding I'm attending, I will be able to recoup my costs by drinking the free booze. The other one will be a complete loss.