Weddings are scams

Weddings are the biggest money-making scam ever! What a return on investment: every invitation sent out must yield, at the very least, a $20 profit.

I am invited to two weddings tomorrow but I will only attend one, as the other is 2,000 miles away.

So, I bought two identical cards at the dollar store (two cards for one buck) and wrote out two checks. To compute the gift amount, I use a complex formula that involves variables like the number of years I've known the bride and/or groom, whether there is a blood relation, how long I think the marriage will last, and pi (3.14).

For the wedding I'm attending, I will be able to recoup my costs by drinking the free booze. The other one will be a complete loss.

Chicks with dicks

For some reason, I find this to be the biggest news story of the day.

TOMMY LEE DATES A TRANSVESTITE

Adopt-a-Fence

I just heard that the United Phoenix Fire Fighters Association sponsors a program called Adopt-a-Fence that gives pool fences to families who can not afford them.

What the hell? People can afford to own and maintain a swimming pool but can't afford a fence? Screw them! What about an Adopt-a-Boat or Adopt-a-BMW program for people, like me, who can't afford those things?

For all you web designers

If you are looking for some nice graphics for your web site, check this out.

Thanks kottke.org

TV-Turn Off Week

The TV-Turnoff Network, for the 11th year, is inviting everyone to "Turn off TV, turn on life" from Monday (April 25) through May 1.

So now here is how my week will go:

Monday

Normal schedule:
7:00pm - 8:00pm: "Still Standing" & "Listen Up" on CBS
8:00pm - 9:00pm: "24" on FOX

TV-Turn Off Week schedule:
7:00pm - 8:00pm: read from the scriptures
8:00pm - 9:00pm: polish my remote, if you know what I mean



Tuesday

Normal schedule:
7:00pm - 8:00pm: "MTV Cribs" previously Tivo'd
10:30pm - 11:30pm: "The Late Show With David Letterman" on CBS

TV-Turn Off Week schedule:
7:00pm - 8:00pm: tour neighbor's crib, until I get caught
10:30pm - 11:30pm: recreate Letterman set with cardboard and puppets; make own talk show

Wednesday

Normal schedule:
8:00pm - 9:00pm: "King of Queens" & "Yes, Dear" on CBS

TV-Turn Off Week schedule:
8:00pm - 9:00pm: bathe

Thursday

Normal schedule:
7:00pm - 8:00pm: "The OC" on FOX

TV-Turn Off Week schedule:
7:00pm - 8 :00pm: charity work

Friday

Normal schedule:
5:00pm - 11:00pm: drink at local bar
11:30pm - 2:00am: soft-core porn on Cinemax

TV-Turn Off Week schedule:
5:00pm - 11:00pm: drink at local bar
11:30pm - 2:00am: create own porn - a one man production

Saturday

Normal schedule:
All-day: drink while flipping through channels non-stop

TV-Turn Off Week schedule:
All-day: drink while staring at wall

Sunday

Normal schedule:
All-day: drink while flipping through channels non-stop

TV-Turn Off Week schedule:
All-day: drink while staring at floor

What did they ever do to deserve this?

They risk their lives to protect us and our way of life and this is how we repay our troops:

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) Their MTV series is done, but ABC is hoping that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson haven't faded from the public consciousness yet.

On Monday, May 23, the network will unveil the celebrity couple's third variety-show special, "Nick & Jessica's Tour of Duty." As the title implies, the focus of the show will be on entertaining U.S. troops stationed overseas.

Some damn cool monkeys

Smoking chimp may have to stop cold turkey

This one is guilty

Once again, I am able to judge innocence or guilt, just by looking at a photo.

In this new situation (Brooklyn Teacher Busted in Kiss With Student), I am going to pronounce the teacher guilty.



Click here to see my past verdicts.

This CAN'T be true!

KEANU Reeves and Diane Keaton more than friends?

Celebrity Birthday

Happy 66th birthday to Lee Majors - probably our generation's greatest actor.

Saturday, Bloody Saturday

If I was in charge of recruiting for a blood drive, I'd would do it in a bar.

I can't think of the last time I donated blood. I'm not even sure that I ever have. I remember I was so emotional over 9/11 that I made an appointment to donate, but I never went. However, after a number of beers and a cute waitress waiving a sign-up form in front of me tonight, I made an appointment for Saturday at noon.

So now two unfortunate things are going to happen: (1) I am going to be getting up before noon on Saturday; and (2) some poor person is going to get my alcohol-saturated blood.

Will these people ever learn?

Another Hollywood divorce coming up: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner Said Engaged

Every article about celebrity pregnancies, engagements or divorces contains the sentence, "A call to [insert celebrity name]'s rep was not returned.

What's wrong with these reps? Why can't they return phone calls?

Bzzzzzz

I had an exterminator come out this afternoon to get rid of bees that were forming a hive in a wall in my back patio. For a couple of weeks, I've noticed them going in and out of a crevice in the wall. I called my homeowner's association and, to my surprise, extermination is covered by my monthly dues. Finally I get something for my $122/month (which apparently isn't enough to properly maintain my 10 square foot front yard).

The exterminator, dressed in full bee-slaying regalia, sprayed some poisonous smoke between the boards of the wall. Safely observing from my living room, I watched a huge swarm of bees escape from behind the wall. I was definitely glad that I got an exterminator instead of just spraying them with the hose, which is what I was considering a few days ago.

This better kill them because, right now, they seem kind of angry.

Work From Home Monday?

Yes it is!

I had some high school classmates visiting from out of town this weekend. They fly out this afternoon and I didn't think they would want to get up at 6:00am because I had to go to work. Plus, I really needed to sleep in because we were out late, drinking at a Green Bay Packers reggae bar (Who knew Wisconsin people loved reggae so much?).

I think I irritated one of the guy's girlfriend. I criticized her for not allowing her boyfriend to go to strip clubs. I tried to explain how strippers are people too; they're just regular girls who are trying to put themselves through medical school (or law school - I've heard both) while supporting a $1,200/month drug habit.

Anyway, I don't think I changed her mind at all. Maybe I didn't need to harp on the subject for an hour, but I just really love strippers.

Wow, what a great break for science!

IMDB.com lists a lot of useless trivia about Russell Crowe but I did find one of the items interesting:

Russell Crowe plans to donate his brain to medical science when he dies.

While the world will mourn on that sorrowful day, medical science will benefit greatly.

Please join me in prayer

Dear Lord,

I know I have not been the most faithful of your flock lately. And I rarely come to you with my troubles or ask for your guidance. I did not want bother you with my small, insignificant problems.

But now Lord, I must ask one favor of you. If it is your will, please make this the final moments of the 15 minutes of fame that really never needed to occur in the first place.

Making a difference

I just got an e-mail from a friend telling me her company's management "googled" her and found some stories and references on my web site about her which they do not consider professional. She was asked to have her name removed.

This actually makes me quite proud. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to change peoples' lives. A few years ago, I realized that, if I really wanted to make a difference in someone's life, it is much easier to change it for the worse than for the better.

But because I'm not a total prick and because this girl is pretty hot, I erased her name.

Internship

I'm looking for interns. Click here to apply.

Business transaction

About a month ago, I registered a domain name that I thought would have already been registered by a certain local Arizona company. To my surprise, it had not been.

I spent $9, registered the name and contacted the company that I thought would want it. They threatened legal action but I said it would be cheaper for everyone to settle this without involving the courts.

Last night the matter was settled as I gave the domain name to the company in exchange for four Miller Lites and a steak and crab leg dinner at Outback.

What a return on investment!

Your source for drunken strippers

Search for drunken strippers on Yahoo.com and this site comes up second. Sweet. Click here

This is bound to be the world's most messed up kid

Britney Reveals Pregnancy!

My crowing achievement

This was from a while ago. The Late Show with David Letterman runs a weekly Top Ten contest. If they use one of your entries on their web site, you win $10,000. My entry is #3.

Ok, I lied about the $10,000, but I did win a free Late Show mousepad!


click on photo

Perfect weekend

I just realized that I spent the entire weekend at home or Chuy's bar. I did nothing else, I went nowhere else. Nice!

American Movie Classics?

The AMC channel describes itself as "showing classic films from the 1930s through the 1980s." Today it's showing "The Money Pit" and "Crocodile Dundee II." I guess they finally ran out of classics.

Drunken thoughts on "Kissing a Fool"

Flipping through my 80 movie channels tonight, I came across "Kissing a Fool," a 1998 romantic comedy starring David Schwimmer (Ross from "Friends") as Max Abbitt, a popular sportscaster who is nervous about his upcoming marriage.

I doubt very many people have heard of this movie, but I think I actually saw it in the theater. I remember liking how Ross greets people with the phrase "what up?" To this day, I use it myself.

Anyway, at one point in the movie, Ross is planning out his life. On a piece of paper, he jots birth -> marriage -> kids -> death. It made me start thinking about my life. So I grabbed a notebook and pen: birth -> death.

Do kids really cost that much?

'P. Diddy' ordered to pay $21,000 a month in child support

Superpope

Pope reborn as superhero in Colombian comic

Where are my hands?

Back in the mid-90's, I briefly worked for a minor league baseball team (very minor league). I got my own baseball card but, to save money, I had to share it with another staffer.

I'm the guy with the tie who appears to be playing pocket pool. I remember not liking the other guy, Mark, very much.

The back of the card says I'm a Public Relations major and that I have a history in the newspaper industry. (For a few months, I worked a couple hours a night in the Grand Forks Herald sports department, typing box scores. I was a media mogul!)

By the way, Mark lives with wife in Crookston, MN and is an avid golfer.

Would you like a free drink of beer?

Yes I would.

Arizona grocery stores may soon allow you to sample alcohol, before buying.

Crap! I passed out again.

It appears that I passed out again.

It's 1:56am. I just woke up. The lights are all on. The TV is off. My laptop is lying next to me on the couch and my contacts have a 1/4-inch layer of muck on them.

There's an open can of Miller Lite on the coffee table. It's fairly cold and only a little bit flat. (taking drink) Hey, since I don't recall exactly what time I dozed off, that could be the first drink of the day.

"How the hell am I going to make it to work?" I ask myself sarcastically. That's right, you guessed it. It's Work-From-Home-Friday.

Damn $1.50 dinners

No wonder I don't make any money

Hotties make more money, study says

First good news of the day

Exhausted Penn To Take Break

Drunken thoughts on "24"

Congratulations to FOX's "24" on portraying some realistic violence.

On this week's episode, government agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) found himself in a shoot-out with a female terrorist in an apartment. After getting off a couple shots, the terrorist ducked behind an interior wall to escape the return fire. But Bauer just fired a couple shots into the wall and the terrorist dropped dead.

Unfortunately for the terrorist, this apartment was not furnished like most TV/movie apartments in which bullets can not go through walls or sofas.

A bunch of criminals are getting together in L.A.

Jackson, O.J., others gather for Cochran funeral

Bed Swap

Since I no longer have a roommate, last night I swapped my seven year old mattress with the three month old one in the spare bedroom.

To any and all future guests: good luck getting any sleep, thinking of what I possibly could have done on that bed over the years.

Goodbyes are never easy

Today I said goodbye to my roommate of three months.

Tears were shed, followed by a manly embrace, which was followed by five minutes of awkwardness.

What is it that I will miss the most about him? His kind demeanor? His suave charm? The way he lit up the room with his smile?

No, I'd have to say it will be his monthly rent check.

Drinking can be dangerous

So please remember to always wear the proper safety gear.

Regrets, I've had a few

I take pride in the fact that, while I do very little actual work at my job, what I do do (is that right?) I do correctly.

Well, I really f*#ked up today!

When sending out a mass mailing to a car dealership's customers, it is important to put the correct dealership's name on the postcards. My Dodge dealership was not too happy to hear their customers received postcards thanking them for buying a vehicle at the Pontiac dealership across the street.

There's a lesson to be learned here: Don't put me in charge of shit like that.

Oops, I died

Drunken Movie Review: "The Girl Next Door"

So, you get Kiefer Sutherland's TV daughter from "24" (Elisha Cuthbert) to star in a movie in which she plays an adult film star - what do you do? Well if you're the makers of "The Girl Next Door," you write a script that doesn't put her in one nude scene - not one at all!!!

What the f#%k!! You got this girl playing a porn star and she's not nude once. She even has sex in the back of a limo without taking any clothes off.

Another brilliant scene occurs in a strip club. Two actors are getting lap dances from strippers who don't even take their clothes off. So now we have porn stars and strippers who don't get naked.

This movie is basically "Risky Business" except without a Porsche falling into a lake.

In honor of the pope

This is why the internet was created

So people can remake "Rocky" and share it with the world. Click here (volume required for full enjoyment).

Thanks kottke.org

Really small penis has ruined my sex life

Man says penis enlargement surgery ruined sex life

Right now I am:

continuously clicking Refresh on CNN.com so I can know immediately when the Pope's condition goes from "deteriorating" to dead. Refresh...Deteriorating...Refresh...
Deteriorating ...Refresh...Deteriorating...

listening to the "Footloose" soundtrack on my iPod. I think Sammy Hagar's "The Girl Gets Around" should have been a bigger hit. That song rocks!

cracking my first beer of the day, unless you count the one I had at TGIFridays for lunch, which I don't.

schooling some punk from Italy on the finer points of internet checkers.

Refresh...Deteriorating...

Work ain't so tough

Another Work-From-Home-Friday. I moved to the patio early this morning.

The coffee is gone and I can faintly hear tiny voices coming from my patio fridge, pleading "Drink me, Drink me." Very soon, my little 12 ounce friends, very soon.