Getting Screwed By Christmas & New Years

This year, Christmas lands on a Saturday, as does New Years Day. This means we all get screwed when it comes to getting days off from work. I assume that school teachers around the country will get January 2nd, 3rd and 4th off to compensate for these holidays landing on weekends.

Ding! Ding! Here Comes the Shit-mobile

I've posted this before, but it's funny enough to look at again.

Be sure to check out the shit-mobile picture on the second page.

Click here

Saturday Drinking Continues

Just because UND Fighting Sioux were eliminated from the Division II football playoffs over the weekend doesn't mean we all can't still get together this Saturday at R.T. O'Sullivans and drink all day.

Why not meet there at noon for the Oregon vs. Illinois basketball game? TVGuide.com says Junior Deron Williams is the top threat for high-scoring Illinois, while point guard Aaron Brooks is the wind beneath the Ducks' wings. The all-time series is tied 1-1. Sounds like a fun-filled afternoon to me!

The following Saturday we'll watch the LSU women's ball team take on Southwest Missouri State.

Movie Review

A couple of nights ago, I watched the movie "The Day After Tomorrow." This movie takes a big-budget, special-effects-filled look at what the world would look like if global warming continued at such levels that it resulted in worldwide catastrophe and disaster, including multiple hurricanes, tornadoes, tidal waves, floods and the beginning of the next Ice Age.

The entire northern half of the United States froze over and was covered in snow. Temperatures were so low that people froze to death immediately. Big goddamn deal; that's North Dakota every winter.

Also at the end of the movie, all surviving Americans relocated to Mexico. I don't know about you, but I'd rather die a horrible frozen death than live in Mexico.

Stupid movie - no nudity.

Congratulations Sioux!

The University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux football team's win over Grand Valley State Saturday means the Sioux advance to the Division II semifinals. But more importantly, it means I get another Saturday morning of drinking.

A win against Pittsburg State this weekend will propel the Sioux to the championship game and me to a third consecutive Saturday of drinking.

Fallout from Pacers-Pistons fight

I am sad to see that the fight that broke out at the end of Friday's Pacers-Pistons game may negatively affect all sports fans.

NBA Commissioner David Stern said the league will consider restricting alcohol sales, particularly in the 4th quarter of games. After witnessing the fight that involved a fan throwing a beer at Pacer Ron Artest, other leagues may also restrict beer sales.

So now a guy like me, who doesn't want to throw beer at anyone and, at the worst, just wants to get drunk, fall down the stairs or pass out in the arena parking lot, will be punished for the stupid actions of a few.

Sorry Kelsey

Sorry Kelsey, I know I promised to write something here but I'm drunk and tired. Maybe later.

I'd only have to eat every 3 days

Hardee’s serves up 1,420-calorie burger (full story)

Official Statement

Over the last two weeks, rumors have arose that I am currently dating someone. Some even go as far as to speculate that I am dating a female. I will now respond to these rumors.

It is true that I am seeing someone and this person is female. I choose at this time to not reveal her identity online because I do not want my ass kicked. I am sure it is understandable that dating me is not something to be proud of and, therefore, not something one would want publicized. Some may find this hypocritical because I rarely protect the anonymity of anyone. My response to these people is: 'yes, this is quite hypocritical, but too f'ing bad. Get your own damn site and write whatever you want about me.'

Noticeably my current situation has reduced the amount of time I have spent updating Wirthy.com. I soon expect to be dedicating more time to the site because, honestly, how much longer can this relationship really last?

Where have I been?

It's been nearly two weeks since my last web log entry. Where the hell have I been?

Well, I'll tell you: I have been extremely focused on my career lately.

Here are some pictures of my newest living room furniture.

17,000 Hits!

In just a little over two months, Wirthy.com has gone from 16,000 to 17,000 hits.

There's another accomplishment for me that doesn't mean a goddamn thing!

In real life, this never happens

Kirstie Alley Syndrome Strikes Again!

Cybill Sheppard then and now.

The one for me

This just dawned on me. I think I've finally found my perfect woman: Dana Reeve, widow of Christopher Reeve.

Think about it: most women aren't interested in a guy like me who can barely walk, but she just spent nine years with a guy who couldn't even move his finger. I can move all my fingers - whenever I want!!! I can move my head from side to side. I can breathe on my own. I can drive a car both sober and drunk. I can prepare light lunches. I go to the bathroom all by myself. I can speak more than 10 words in a minute. To her, I'm Superman!

Dana, give me a call.

Still sober

I am over 40 hours into my latest attempt at long-term sobriety, which is about the 4th longest sober streak I've ever had.

Being sober is sort of like having super powers. Last night I was able to untie both shoes without falling over repeatedly and this afternoon I lifted a burning car off of a small boy.

Tonight I watched the series finale of MacGyver which originally aired in 1992. For months I've been watching that show in a drunken haze. Let me tell - that's the best way to watch it. At the end of the final show, MacGyver rides off on a motorcycle with his son that he met for the first time 46 minutes earlier. TVLAND is now starting the series over with season #1. I'm not sure if I'll continue watching, especially since I just realized that WGN airs Magnum P.I. daily.

Time to dry out

Tonight has been long overdue. While I did go out for a while, I probably only had four or five beers. I was home by 9:15pm.

Tonight is the first sober night I've had since last week sometime. Hell it maybe longer than that since I don't remember what I did last week.

Anyway tonight I rest.

Night of no drinking

I've been drinking a little too much lately. After getting drunk off of Black Velvet Monday night and waking up Tuesday morning, fully clothed, lying on my bed with all my lights on, I decided I needed a break.

So I was leaving work yesterday with intentions of enjoying a relaxing alcohol-free night at home when my phone rang. It was one of my friends who said he was going to Chuy's. I won't say who but if you had one guess, I'm sure you'd get it. Note to wives: this friend called ME not the other way around.

Anyway my night of no drinking really got derailed. And with Tom Miller coming to town tonight, I doubt I'll get another chance anytime soon.

And I still haven't been able to get this week's Survivor Wirthy out. Maybe today.

Strippers and vomit

Tonight I was outsmarted by a very crafty stripper. It turns out that all she wanted was my money. What a shock.

Later tonight a friend got sick from drinking and threw up. Do you know that the last time I've thrown up from alcohol was 1996? And the last time I've thrown up ever was in January 1998. How many of you can say that? What a goddamn accomplishment! How many of you can say you even bother to think of the last time you threw up? Hell, it's 3:00am and I'm drunk - you'd be surprised at the shit you think of.

Recipe for fun

So you're sitting at home on a night that may or may not be the night before Work-From-Home-Friday and none of your friends want to go out. What do you do? Here's what you do: you have a good time all by yourself and this is all you need:

1. Six episodes of MacGyver recorded (may substitute Magnum P.I., A-Team or Knight Rider).

2. Alcohol...and lots of it (my choice is whiskey. you may prefer vodka, tequila or something else).

3. Charles Barkley bobblehead (may substitute Hakeem Olajuwon or Roger Clemens but I don't recommend).

4. Digital camera (can be purchased at most electronics stores).

First you start drinking. I began with beer and then progressed to the whiskey.

Start watching MacGyver. Try to appreciate the moral lesson conveyed in each episode.

Take time out for peanut butter sandwich dinner (optional).

Continue with MacGyver.

Notice the Charles Barkley bobblehead on the counter.

Grab the digital camera.

Let the foolery begin!

Bugles and tooth paste

Sorry but I've kind of been on a MacGyver kick lately. After watching quite a few episodes over the last week, I've noticed something: every show ends in a very gay way.

So it's about 11:30pm. I just finished a screwdriver which, thanks to a trip to the grocery store, was tonight's drink of choice. I just brushed my teeth, took out the contacts and was off to bed when I got an all-to-familiar craving...one more beer isn't going to hurt anyone. Besides I'd much rather have the crisp taste of a pilsner on my breath than that of Cool Mint Crest as I drift into my nightly coma.

Guess what I found at the grocery store today: Bugles! I used to remember them coming in a box but now they come in a bag - just like chips...fascinating. They made a nice side dish to my dinner entree of peanut butter sandwiches. Damn I'm livin' large!

Survivor Wirthy

Don't miss the first episode of Survivor Wirthy. Go to www.wirthy.com/survivor or just go to Wirthy.com and try to find your way from there (hint: pay special attention to the huge Survivor Wirthy logo).

I got this amazing idea while watching ABC's The Benefactor late one drunken night. I was going to spend months developing my online reality show and planned to incorporate music, animation and maybe even video. It was to be my most ambitious project yet! But when I sobered up the next morning I decided to streamline the production and I put the damn thing out in under a week.

Call me Drunkman!

Tonight I watched the movie "The Punisher". It's about a cop whose entire family is killed. This turns him into a vigilante/superhero-type person who battles crime at night but drinks whiskey during the day to dull the pain of losing his family.

This movie has inspired me to become a drunken superhero. But instead of getting drunk and later going out to battle crime, I'll probably just keep getting drunk and let crime continue on its own. I mean, what am I gonna do? Beat criminals with my cane? I'll get my ass kicked.

A bottle of red, a bottle of white

Tonight it was just a bottle of red and a couple of beers.

Hi Jeremy Bittner - a new Wirthy.com Weblog fan. Spread the word; my goal of becoming the most famous person from Munich, ND is within reach.

Today - Munich
Tomorrow - Henderson Township (or whatever the hell it is)
Next week - Cavalier County
A Month From Now - North Dakota
Next Year - THE WORLD!!!

And then there will be no stopping me!

I watched a cool movie tonight. It starred the guy who played Pig Vomit in the Howard Stern movie. Can't remember what it was called though. It was a biography about some guy who I can't think of right now. You should see it...it's funny.

15 minutes just went by as I fought a grueling battle with a cricket. The cricket lost.

Hey, Saturday Night Live is on TV right now...makes it feel like a weekend. Enough typing for tonight.

More MacGyver

My friend Tanya from Minnesota e-mailed me this afternoon and told me she hoped that I would not drink alone tonight. Unfortunately, neither she nor anyone else stopped by, so I did end up drinking by myself. Why do I constantly do this? Is it because I have low self-esteem? Is it because I'm slowly trying to end this miserable life? Or could it have something to do with the fact that my house is stocked with more liquor than a...umm...a liquor-selling place, and there's nobody here but me to drink it?

I caught a couple more episodes of MacGyver tonight on TVLND. I learned MacGyver doesn't like guns because, when he was a kid, he and some friends played with a gun and one of his friends accidentally got shot to death. MacGyver as an adult also does not drink alcohol. Tonight he said, that at age 11, he and his friend Freddie polished off a 6-pack of beer inside of an hour. Freddie later died drinking and driving. MacGyver is such a pussy! Who among us didn't kill a friend the first time we played with a gun? Whose friend didn't drive off a cliff after drinking beer for the first time? Get back on that horse, MacGyver!

I also caught a couple episodes of Cheers. Damn that TVLND channel is great! Sam Malone had on a cardigan sweater in both shows. I think I'll start wearing those again.

Well, it's after 2:00 a.m. again. Luckily it's Work-From-Home-Friday today. I haven't stayed up this late since Tuesday night, which happened to be right before Work-From-Home-Wednesday.

Damn MacGyver!

If that damn MacGyver would just kill somone, I'd be in bed by now.

Instead it's after 2:00 a.m. and I'm just going to sleep because of that damn wuss.

Hey, I have a great idea for Wir thy.com. It's going to be hilarious! But I'm drunk, what do I know?

Summer is finally here

Summer has arrived. The way I know is that we went to the lake yesterday for the first time this year. I'm looking forward to many, many lake outings this summer.

Damn, I'm a loser!

It's 10:00 p.m. I'm sitting at my computer while watching a PBS documentary on the evolution of video games. I am not getting laid, I'm not going out, I'm just sitting here all by myself. What a frickin' loser!

I am drinking though, so that's cool. Kids, don't let anyone tell you drinking is not cool. There is nothing cooler, except maybe drugs but those are usually more expensive and harder to come by.

How do you do it?

I don't know how you people do it - go to bed early. I tried it tonight (see the post below). After tossing and turning for a half hour, I had to get up and pour myself a glass of whiskey.

Well, now I have to drink myself to sleep.

Unspeakable act

A horribly gruesome and disgusting thing occurred this morning. I am barely able to bring myself to recount it.

This morning after shaving I removed the blade from my razor and went to toss it in the garbage. But in what can only be described as a momentary complete lapse of judgment, I tossed the blade cartridge into the toilet.

I stared at the blade now resting at the bottom of my toilet bowl for what was probably only a few seconds but felt like hours. What were my options? Can I flush it? Should I use the toilet brush to fish it out? What if by doing so, I nudged it out of reach?

It soon became clear what I would have to do.

I bent down over the bowl and submerged my left hand into the water which went up past my wrist. Quickly I grabbed the razor cartridge and yanked my hand out.

Despite being quite traumatized, I managed to keep my wits about me. I scrubbed my hand and arm with hot water and Dial hand soap. Not quite satisfied I took a shower using a bar of Dial soap and Old Spice Body Wash. I have also decided to no longer use that hand ever again.

Self-destruction Saturday

The Saturday before Labor Day for me is known as Self-destruction Saturday (SDS). Yesterday was the first annual SDS. Activities on this day include starting to drink 11:00 a.m. and continuing to the entire day...all by myself.

During SDS I do not go anywhere, I do not leave my property. I spend the entire day in an intoxicated haze.

Making numerous drunk phone calls is encouraged and I did so throughout the afternoon and evening.

Other activities that took place on SDS included killing ants with insect spray, trying to master the Kiss ballad "Beth" on piano and deciding if I should eat a ham sandwich that I just dropped on the ground.

Once the sun went down, I celebrated that I was still conscious by opening a bottle of champagne. Later in the night I even got some SDS visitors when Colonel and Geri showed up.

Sometime after 1:00 a.m. I passed out on my recliner. At 1:57 a.m. I managed to lift myself off the chair, make my way through the living room - past a bent oscillating fan that I had a run in with earlier in the day, and drop myself onto my bed. By the way, I have slept in my clothes the past two nights.

So the first annual SDS is in the past and I must wait another year for it to come around again. Luckly I have SDM (Self-destruction Monday) coming up tomorrow.

Gloria snubbed

Last night I watched the MTV Video Music Awards. Toward the end of the show, R&B "diva" Alicia Keys eulogized Ray Charles who died in June. Very touching, but what about Laura Branigan? The Grammy-nominated pop singer best known for her 1982 hit "Gloria" died last week.

MTV continues to snub Laura Branigan, just as it has for the past 15 years.

And the Oscar goes to...Vin Diesel

What a goddamn boring day! I get up early and sit at home working my ass off all day for work-from-home-Friday. After work, nobody wants to fucking go out. I hear from no one.

Finally at 8:00 pm, I decide my alcohol supply is a little under what I feel is a comfortable amount, so off I go to Osco. Once I get there, I realize I left my wallet at home. Son of a bitch!!! Now I have to drive home, get my wallet and head back to Osco. Luckily for me, I have all the f'ing time in the world. Hey get this: because I bought way more liquor than one person really needs, they gave me a free bottle of rum...nice!

By the way, when I left for Osco the first time, I was watching "A Man Apart" starring Vin Diesel. Holy shit was that a crappy movie! A Mexican drug cartel had killed DEA agent Vin Diesel's wife. After I finally got home, guess what...Vin Diesel single-handedly avenged his wife's death and brought down the entire cartel. I never saw that coming! How was this movie passed over by the Oscars?

So I spent most of the night drinking whiskey and watching some movie starring Val Kilmer as a porn star/murderer. It was either based on the real life of some 70's porn star or the real life of Val Kilmer...I'm can't remember.

Am I a social drinker?

I find myself in a strange, unfamiliar situation. It's nearly midnight, I just got home, but I'm not drunk.

After work, I met John Erickson at a bar where I had a few beers, not a lot - 3 I think. Afterwards I went to Erickson's house where I drank a handful of beers over quite a few hours. I guess you could almost call it social drinking.

On the way home, I stopped by Chuy's but after finding no one I knew, I left without having a single drink.

So now I'm at home. I did not sleep in my car. I've already changed clothes. I didn't fall down. I am not lying on my living room floor or passed out in a recliner. It's a very wierd feeling. If you haven't tried social drinking, I recommend it - once in a while.

I gotta go now. I hear my whiskey calling for me from the kitchen.

California Extra Dry

What a goddamn shitty day. All day long at work: "My e-mail isn't working!" "I can't get online!" "Why doesn't why printer work?" It's like working in an office with Colonel and Mel Dosmann.

Since I got nothing done at the office, I got to come home and work a few hours more. On the positive side, I can drink while working at home.

I've just polished off a bottle of $5 ($3.95) champagne. Normally champagne is a weekend thing but what the hell, I'm in that "weekend" type of mood. Since I didn't want to commit to an entire can of 7Up, I am now drinking Miller Lites instead of hitting Seagrams 7 and 7Up.

Hell, that's enough for tonight.

Off the wagon...or is it on the wagon?

"Off" the wagon or "on" the wagon: which one means your drunk? After going all day yesterday without drinking, I got thirsty again. I watched the Ashton Kutcher movie, "The Butterfly Effect." You try to watch an Ashton Kutcher movie sober.

However, I am true to my earlier promise of becoming more mature. I was responsible enough to change into pajamas (Adidas shorts and Christie's Cabaret t-shirt) hours ago so that I wouldn't pass out in my clothes. That's something that I wouldn't have done when I was in my 20's.

30

I was more hungover this morning than I usually am. Normally after coming off a hard night of drinking, I sleep until 10:00 a.m. and I'm fine. This morning, I woke up at 11:00 a.m., lying on my bed, in my clothes and feeling like shit.

My first thought was that I am now 30, no longer in my 20's, and that I will no longer be able to bounce back after drinking. But then reality set in: I'm only one day older than I was yesterday. The obvious reason for my unusual hangover had to be the three shots (three that I remember), numerous Red Bull vodkas and countless beers.

Anyway, by 2:00 p.m. I was fine and ready to drink again. But I didn't. Deb Mikkelsen told me last night, that now that I am 30, I need to behave more maturely. So I went all day without drinking. This should last a while.

Thanks everyone for the surprise party last night. I still need to go to Christies though.

T'was the night before work-from-home-Friday

There are few times in my life that I am happier than work-from-home-Friday-eve. I am getting stinking drunk on screwdrivers knowing that I just need to wake up at 6:59 tomorrow morning, roll off my bed, crawl to my desk, turn on the computer and be at work on time.

Sometime around 9:30 - 10:00 a.m., I'll set my instant messenger status to "away" and grab a quick shower.

As for tonight, I'll keep pouring the screwdrivers until I run out of ice. I'm not like all my rich friends with their fancy automatic icemakers. I have to fill up my two ice trays and wait for the water to turn to ice. Unfortunately, my current ice consumption rate is greater than my ice production rate so I will soon run out. If this happens before I pass out, I will just switch to beer.

16,000 hits!

Wirthy.com just passed 16,000 hits!

Orange you drunk

I just awoke with a wet stain on my shirt and shorts, sitting in one of two recliners that makes up my entire living room furnishings. Further investigation proved the source of the wetness to be the 1/4 empty screwdriver resting in my left hand and not urine which was originally assumed.

By the way, the previous sentence was rather well-constructed given that I am "sofa king" drunk.

Anyway, I smell like oranges and am about to pass out.

Tonight's menu

Last night's drinking menu mainly consisted of Seagrams 7/7 Ups and a few beers.

Tonight I'm having screwdrivers because I want to get some vitamins and also because I have two cartons of orange juice I need to finish.

time to dance

Hey, it's me again. Nice.

I'm drunk again but it's not my fault. I would have gone to bed hours ago but "Footloose" was on. That boy, Ren, he just wanted to dance. Why couldn't they just let him dance? Why? Dammit? why ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Up the ass

I don't know if you've noticed but lately there's been updates up the ass to Wirthy.com. You got the Wirthyology thing, my senior pictures, articles about this, articles about that, yada yada this, yada yada that. Plus I'm updating this weblog pretty often.

So yeaaaayyyyyy for me!!!! What an f'ing accomplishment!

The Lakers traded Rick Fox to the Celtics.

It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm drunk. I'm typing at a rate of about 10 keys per minute.

By the way, I got some very disturbing news tonight. I can not go into detail now but I am very disappointed by the behavior and actions of some people close to me.

Hey, get this: The obituary posted on my site caused a bunch of people to think that I really died. I heard that some people were really concerned and one person even called a relative of mine. It's good to know that when I really go, about 4 people will care.

My neck itches.

Hard to believe

Hard to believe: after saying that I wouldn't get drunk at the Van Halen show, guess what happen...I got drunk. Ohlhauser is a bad influence.

I was more sober than most nights however. Usually I wake up around 3:00am in the livingroom, sitting in my recliner with the TV on and a half-full beer in my hand. This morning I woke up at around 2:00am, in my bed, with the TV on and a container of Pringles in my hand.

Concerts with Mark Ohlhauser

In a few hours, I'll be at the Van Halen concert with Mark Ohlhauser and John Erickson. It's been a while since I've gone to a show with Ohlhauser. We'll see if, after the concert, his memory is any better than it was last time.

Read this: http://www.wirthy.com/issue4.htm#Mark

The history of Wirthy.com

A look back at the history of Wirthy.com is now available:
http://www.wirthy.com/about.htm

I am sure this will interest hardly any of you.

The true life of a teacher

Very soon we will all learn the true life of a teacher...maybe. I'm considering allowing someone else to contribute to Wirthy.com for the first time: my brother Jamie. Compared to me, he doesn't know as much about web sites and probably isn't as funny but he walks a lot faster and will soon begin his teaching/coaching career.

He will be able to provide all of us with the true details of the part-time work life of a teacher. If I get ambitious enough, I'll set him up with a web log to chronicle his day to day activities. It could be funny...it could suck. Hell, maybe I won't even do it. We'll see.

New mouse

I had to go to Best Buy today and get a new mouse for my computer. My old one is full of some sort of goo.

Ha Ha! Funny Story!

Cruelty charge filed after dog is dragged

David J. CieslakThe Arizona RepublicAug. 2, 2004 12:00 AM

Police arrested a man on suspicion of animal cruelty Sunday after he and his wife found their runaway dog in a west Phoenix neighborhood, then tied the animal by its neck to the back of a pickup truck and dragged it nearly a mile.

Herminio Velasquez, 32, told officers he tied the 2-year-old female chow to the truck because he didn't want to place the dog inside the pickup and risk getting his clothes dirty before attending church, investigators said. Witnesses called 911 about 4:30 p.m. after spotting the dog trying to keep up with the truck near Glendale and 43rd avenues, Phoenix police Sgt. Jantra Palmer said.Velasquez told investigators that he believed the dog was running behind the pickup while his wife drove about 10 mph. At one point, Velasquez could not see the chow at the end of the rope and realized it was being dragged, prompting him to get out of the truck and walk the dog home, Palmer said.

A trail of blood spanning about 500 yards was spotted along the path where the animal was dragged, she said.The chow's pads were ripped from its paws and most of the dog's nails were shattered, Arizona Humane Society spokeswoman Kim Noetzel said.

Veterinarians were treating the dog late Sunday, and Noetzel said she believed it would survive.The Humane Society will take custody of the dog pending a disposition of the case in court, Noetzel said.

Velasquez was booked into a Maricopa County jail on one count of felony animal cruelty. Authorities also planned to arrest his wife, who went to church with the couple's children and remained there Sunday evening, Palmer said.

Damn married people!

Tonight I saw yet another example of why people should never get married. I ain't gonna get into specifics but it's just not a good idea.

Drunken Lego Wirthy Archive

Drunken Lego Wirthy at MTV Video Music Awards
I'd like to be considered for the next Bond
The drought is over!
I love Work-From-Home-Friday
Drunken Lego Wirthy Ancestry
Drunken Lego Wirthy denies steroid use
Drunken Lego Wirthy in the Movies
Introducing Drunken Lego Melissa
Drunken Lego Wirthy at shuttle launch
Drunken Lego Vacation

New photos

I just got my hands on some pictures of me looking gay on the back of Chad Barta's motorcycle.  They'll be posted on Monday .

This web site's a must read

"For every precious moment where the little brat does something special, there are 1,000 moments where they drive you crazy. "

That's a quote from one of the best Web sites I've seen in a while: www.nomarriage.com.

 

New Format

I found a better site to host this web log.  I was too lazy to copy over all the old entries I made.  I doubt anyone ever read them anyway.  I doubt anyone will ever read this.

Work-From-Home-Thursday

I've declared today Work-From-Home-Thursday.  And I really needed it because last night was Get-Stinking-Drunk-Wednesday.

3 in a row!!!

This is now my 3rd consecutive Friday night that I've spent at home.  I suck.  I'm a loser.