An experiment in drunkenness

Approximately one year ago, I came up with an ingenious idea. Whenever I drink a Miller Lite at my favorite bar, I would carefully remove the label from the bottle, roll it into a cone and put it in a shot glass that would be kept behind the bar for me.

Since last November nearly every Miller Lite I drank meant another label in the glass. At one point, I began letting a couple friends contribute to make up for the times I drank mixed drinks or was too drunk to peel the labels.

Oh, did I have fun: drink a beer, roll a label, drink another beer, roll another label...for an entire year. But as with all good things, it had to end. Collecting beer labels just wasn't as cool as it was back in June 2006.

So last night we dumped out the labels and tallied them up. I was hoping for some lofty number like 1,400. But just like in every other aspect of my life, I was disappointed. There was only 740.
Let the excuses begin: I drank a lot of mixed drinks; For a month or so, Miller Lite went to a football themed label that couldn't be removed; My liver started to hurt in September.

I will just have to be content with 740. It's not too bad, I guess.

In the end, what did I get for my efforts?

I received no acknowledgement or prizes. No accolades from Miller Lite. No praise from my family or friends.

Nope. After it all, I was left with just the personal satisfaction that, for over a year, I was thoroughly entertained by the stupidest goddamn thing.

'A Christmas Story' in 30 seconds, as re-enacted by bunnies

Whoopee! A Zeppelin

I also recommend 'Reservoir Dogs' in 30 seconds, as re-enacted by bunnies. Fuck you! I'm dying!

It's a Christmas Miracle!

It's 1992 all over again

A few weeks ago I discovered a couple of cable channels that I actually wasn't yet paying for so I added Game Show Network, some Oprah channel, Biography Channel, SOAP.net and - what has to be the best channel ever - VH1 Classic. Never before have I seen so many RATT videos.

SOAP.net is a complete waste of a channel except for "Beverly Hills 90210" reruns. Right now on a very special episode, Steve made Brandon a margarita with about 1 oz of tequila and now he is a full-blown alchoholic.

So now Luke Perry's character is telling Brandon to "lay off the liquid" and have some coffee.

Oh, oh. Now Brandon is behind the wheel and, yup, he done smashed into another vehicle. He is clearly inebriated as he has put down a couple of Ian Ziering's chracter's purple drinks.

Now Brandon's sister had to call her parents and give them the news that their son is in jail. The horror on their faces!

Cool now one of those GEICO commercials with the cavemen!

Ozzy & Shirley

A couple nights ago I was watching a bio on Laverne & Shirley on the Biography Channel, as I am sure many of you were. Maybe it's just me, but it looks like Penny Marshall has turned into Ozzy.

Mile High Club

'Mile High' venture takes romance to the next level

They ripped out some seats to make room for a mattress. For $750, you get 90 minutes of cruising to knock off a chunk.

What the hell would I do for the remaining 89 minutes, 16 seconds?

An amazing comeback

A little over a year ago this little device entered my life. For weeks, I enjoyed Egg McMuffin-type sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But, like many of my purchases (treadmill, George Foreman Grill, etc.), it eventually just gathered dust and went unused.

Today, however, the Egg & Muffin toaster made its triumphant return. Maybe I'll hit the treadmill this afternoon. But then I'd have to take all my jeans off of it. Where would I put them? I could hang them in my closet; put them on my bed; maybe the floor. Ah, screw it.

What if 'Office Space' was a horror movie?

Right now my beer is getting warm!

The power went out at the Wirthy compound this morning. My first thought was that it could have something to do with the stack of unpaid utility bills I am collecting. But the rest of the neighborhood was also without power too and I doubt the electric company would punish everyone because of my deliquency.

The real victims here are my poor beers that are getting warmer with every minute.

Doogie's GAY!

Doogie is out of the closet. I knew I was gay, for watching that show.

Drunken bar napkin art

This is how I want to go

Beer keg explosion kills 1 at party

You have to love the "classics"

Another great night on AMC - American Movie Classics:

10:30pm - 1:00am: Murder By Numbers. Another Sandra Bullock, Ryan Gossling classic.

1:00am - 3:00am: The Skulls II. At least the first one had Coach - Craig T. Nelson.

Finally my way of life is catching on

Marriage loses its edge

Next we'll be seeing headlines like:

"Most people binge drink, alone on the couch"
"Majority of Americans have gone decades without sex"
"Magnum P.I. reruns score big in ratings"
"Average penis size just under 2 inches"

Funny Picture, Not-So-Funny Story

Click picture for story

I will die before I run out of toothpicks

In my cupboard I have a box of 1,500 toothpicks. I think I bought these a year or so ago and am sure there are at least 1,495 toothpicks remaining.

When I die in a few years or so, someone will eventually find in my house my rotted corpse, a case of unused condoms, a few dozen get-in-free cards to local gentlemen clubs, and 1,390 toothpicks.

Bye Bye Girlfriend

Girlfriend is gone for 11 days. Tomorrow morning she is leaving on a family vacation.

Since no other girl ever shows even the slightest interest in me, girlfriend really has nothing to worry about. I'll probably just spend every night drinking alone...aaaahhh, sounds good to me.

There may be a God

All my life I've prayed to God for only three things: (1) A larger bladder-I am usually at a one-piss-per-beer ratio; (2) An NBA Championship for Charles Barkley; and (3) Egg McMuffins all day long.

McDonald's May Offer Breakfast Menu All Day Long

Thanks God! I have to take a leak now

Exclusive photo from Steve Irwin's funeral

Where are the toons now?

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite cartoon characters? Click here

I would sooooo bang Rudy Huxtable now

But I would have banged her then too. I'm sick like that.

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Because of a speeding ticket, I spent the last two nights in Defensive Driving class.

It had been many years since I've gone to this class, but a couple things are still the same: There were still a few assholes who insist on asking dozens of questions and slowing down the class. And the instructor still teases you with the chance of getting out early, only to let you leave a whopping five minutes early.

Anyway, here's some shit I learned:

• The mirrors on your door and on the inside of your windshield: If aimed properly, you can see what's going on behind you.
  
  
• If you hit a kid in a crosswalk, before the cops arrive, try to move the body just outside the crosswalk; the penalty is surprisingly lower.
  
  
• When stuck in a classroom in a strip mall for eight hours, girls who normally are 6's begin to look like 10's.
  
  
• The penalties for DUI are now so steep that you are better off trying to get away in a high speed chase.
  
  
• When an officer asks if you know why he pulled you over, respond: "Do you know who I am?" Then pretend you're someone really important.
  
  
• If you hit and kill a road worker in a posted construction zone, you will be prosecuted as if you killed two road workers.
  
  
• Most rules of the road can be ignored, if you have your hazard lights flashing.
  
  
• Drinking while you drive is illegal, even if you're only drinking beer. Amazing.
  
  
• If you are excessively speeding in a white Lamborghini and cops are chasing you, have some guys hose the white paint off, revealing that your Lamborghini is actually red. This will confuse the officers.
  
  
• The best defensive driving is good offensive driving.

What do you do...

...when you are a 23 year old, soon-to-be-starting quarterback in the NFL who just signed a megamillion dollar contract?

You get your ex-girlfriend knocked up a month ago. Get ready for that $20,000/month child support, dumb ass!

Tonight on Pay Per View

So many choices:

Uptown Hookers 6

Ghetto Girlz 3

All Aboard Alexis

Barbaric Bangers 3

Oriental Pleasure 4

Bulgarian Minxes 4

Wirthy.com resurrected

Damn kids these days have it easy

Dinky Pluto loses its status as planet

When I was a young school lad, I had to memorize the names of nine planets. There was Earth, Mercury, Mars, um, uh, mmm, and six others. Now these fucking brats only have to know eight planets.

The ups and downs of life

I've lost nearly all my regular readers. Down from a once mighty 212 visitors per day, I now average only 50.

Nothing sucks all the creativity out of a person like a full-time job. I now spend all my time working on my company's web site and no time on this site. And I get in trouble if I even put one picture of a drunken Lego guy on my company's site.

When I do have a single bit of free time, I'm either trying to balance my drunk ass on a bar stool or spending quality time with the girlfriend watching shit like this.

So, life's kind of been a rollercoaster lately. Lots of highs and lots of lows:

I turned 32 a couple of days ago. Another year older (low).

Another year closer to death (high).

I got my first speeding ticket in nearly 10 years (low).

I got 1 1/2 jobs (low).

I get 1 1/2 paychecks (high).

My 1 1/2 paychecks don't add up to most people's single paycheck (low).

Last night on "Happy Days," Fonzie injured himself in a motorcycle accident (low).

The morning after pill was OK'd for over-the-counter sales (high).

I splurged on an insanely expensive ($19.99) bottle of vodka (high).

Girlfriend drank all my $20 vodka (low).

I don't even remember how to do this

It's been a month since I've been here. What the hell has happened to me? I went from having 22 hours of free time a day to having two jobs and barely enough time to have two beers and a quick glance at some internet porn before going to bed.

I was a happy guy, putting in 4 hours of work a day, coming home by 3:30pm and drinking myself into a silly, drunken, stupid...um... stupor. Now I go to work at 6:30am, come home around 4:30pm, and work for another few hours - all for $21,500!

Anyway, let me catch you up on what I've been up to:

I lied and said I was a web site designer and got a job as a web site designer.

In two consecutive nights, I saw four hair bands in concert: Tesla, Poison, Cinderella and Skid Row.

I bought a treadmill.

As the result of a drunken houseboating accident, I now go to the chiropractor three times a week and spend most of my day with an ice pack on my back.

For the first time ever, a team I was rooting for won the NBA championship.

Found out I can hang 8 pair of jeans on my treadmill.

Got my condo painted.

No updates?

Where have I been for the last week or so? Well, let me tell you.

I got a new job. There are a lot of differences between this job and my old one - some good, some bad. One of the good things is the salary. I don't want to brag, but $7.43/hour is going to buy a lot of beer!

Unfortunately this new position has different job responsibilities - most of which involve actual work. Some things not in the job description are:

• Surfing internet porn
• Watching 80's sitcoms online
• Taking 2-hour liquid lunches
• Napping
• Posting useless crap on the internet
• Working from home on Fridays
• Arriving late
• Leaving early

While I used to have eight hours in the day to stare at the wall, waiting for a thought to enter my head, I now have to fit this into my evenings, which is when I usually like to get shit-faced.

How did my priorities get so out-of-whack?

This is one wise chick

CHOOSE TO BOOZE

Today in history

1825 - Walter Hunt patented the safety pin and then sold the rights for $400. That's gotta at least be a billion dollar industry, right?

1994 - O.J. Simpson was questioned by Los Angeles police concerning the deaths of his ex-wife and her friend, Ronald Goldman.

In case you care, these bitches turn 20 today:

Van Halen fans: you might want to skip this

Check out David Lee Roth on Leno last night

Things haven't gone so well for principals from 80's movies

I recently learned that the principal from "The Breakfast Club" died.

'Breakfast Club' actor Gleason dead at 67

And a few years ago, the principal from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was accused of hiring a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photographs.

Click here for his Florida Sex Offender registration

Gone to the lake for the week

Hey, I'm short too!

Judge: Vertically-challenged child molester wouldn't survive prison

This guy avoided prison for sexually assaulting a kid because he is only 5' 1". I'm only about six inches taller. I should at least be able to get away with armed robbery or indecent exposure.

Early morning question

I am sitting in my office, looking out the window at the parking lot where a vehicle's alarm is going off. Why do we say car alarms "go off" when they are not "off," they are "on." Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that car alarms "go on?"

Wow, I am really coming through with some quality, entertaining entries lately!

Was the world really asking for this show?

True Hollywood Story: Charles In Charge

Nevertheless, for an hour last night I parked my ass in front of the TV and guzzled whiskey while learning all about this 80's classic.

After the booze haze cleared, here's what I remember:

Willie Aames' career eventually led him to becoming Bibleman - a human transformed by the word of God who fights injustice with, what else, the word of God.

At his first trip to the Playboy Mansion, Scott Baio was awestruck for 20 minutes before taking off his pants.

Nicole Eggert was nearly left paralyzed from a snowmobile accident. She got boob implants and then had them removed.

Half-way through the show, a bug landed in my whiskey glass and drowned. That's the way I want to go.

The younger uglier girl, Josie Davis, went from this to this.

Scott Baio never banged Nicole Eggert. He said they "hung out" after the show ended but that's all. Sure, Chachi. Whatever you say.

Josie Davis' first kiss was with Paul Walker who did an episode of Charles before becoming super famous with those Fast and Furious movies.

Today in history

1959 - Bronson Pinchot was born. Happy birthday Balki!

I'm a sell out

According to this site, my domain wirthy.com is worth $23,814.00.

I'm feeling generous, so I'm willing to let it go for $20,000. Any takers?

This is the best story I've read in a while

McCartney may lose quarter of fortune in divorce

Dumb ass!

This article from 2002 reports that McCartney's kids "were upset about the wedding, believing Mills was latching on to their dad's money and fame."

This is why I'll never marry. NOBODY is taken a quarter of my fortune! I'll be damned if I'm going to give some woman $936.21.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image for story

(archive)

Today in history

1914 - The American Horseshoe Pitchers Association (AHPA) was formed in Kansas City.

The Bible Code

This weekend I watched an interesting show on A&E about how the Bible may contain codes and secrets that predict the future. So I decided to look into this further. I got out my Bible (yeah, like I own one) and was startled at what I found when I closely examined some verses.


Isaiah 56:1
Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed. The December 4th, 1999 Powerball numbers will be 5-22-25-36-38, 37.


Exodus 32:29
For Moses had said, Consecrate yourselves to day to the LORD, even every man upon his son, and upon his brother; that he may bestow upon you a blessing this day. Beware the Heisman winner - the one they call "The Juice."


Genesis 2:4
These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens. Take comfort, all you gay cowboys. Someday you will be very popular.


Exodus 34:5
And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. Do not buy the Betamax machine. Go with the VHS instead.


Exodus 32:30
And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses said unto the people, Ye have sinned a great sin: and now I will go up unto the LORD; peradventure I shall make an atonement for your sin. Despite the "Look Who's Talking" movies, John Travolta, your career will soon improve.


Ezekial 20:19
I am the LORD your God; walk in my statutes, and keep my judgments, and do them; The Portland Trailblazers will regret drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in the 1984 NBA draft.


Numbers 14:28
Say unto them, As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you. David Spade, don't expect to ride that Chris Farley gravy train forever.


Jeremiah 4:10
Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! surely thou hast greatly deceived this people and Jerusalem, saying, Ye shall have peace; whereas the sword reacheth unto the soul. In the eighth month, of the year 1974, a great drunk will be born.

Eighth month...1974? Hey! That's when I was born.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click picture for story

(archive)

These damn brats have it made

Round-The-Clock Baby TV Channel to Debut

When I was a kid, you watched Mannix and The Rockford Files, and you liked it!

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image for story

(archive)

My new diet

Somehow I managed to go the entire day yesterday eating only a chocolate chip cookie. To keep my calorie content up, I had seven beers.

Damn, there goes another one of my brilliant ideas

Lawnmower driver charged with DUI

Damn! The years have not been kind.

‘World’s oldest person’ turns 128

She spends most of her time dozing. Sounds like a lot of 30-some-year-olds I know.

This is funnier than any "Growing Pains" episode

Check out the type of people Kirk Cameron is hanging out with these days. This video is worth watching.

Ummm....

Turn off your TV this week

Work has been good lately

I bet I have been winning 40% of my solitaire games this week.

Today in history

2002 - In Honduras, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes (TLC) was killed in a car crash. Here she is alive. Want to see a picture of her dead?

2003 - Sinead O'Connor announced on her Web site that she was going to retire. This went largely unnoticed.

I don't like good food

Well, OK, I do like it. I just don't need it.

Most of the time I only eat food to provide a base for the alcohol. I couldn't care less what I eat. I don't really care what it tastes like. The booze will provide flavor.

Nothing better than munching at the Pink Taco

Suggestive name puts eatery, city at odds

30 and time to grow up

According to Esquire Magazine, there are things a man should never do after 30.

1. Coin his own nickname.

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro. (Damn, my 8th grade Home Ec project is now useless)

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

4. Hacky sack.

5. Name his penis his name plus junior. (How will I break the news to Wirthy Jr.?)

6. Hang art with tape.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume. (But it's been my life's work.)

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant." (Brenda and Eddie - those crazy kids.)

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert. (It's all about the cell phones these days.)

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?" (What if your friend is actually a whore?)

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron. (I think this one could have been simplified to: Propose.)

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina. (How am I supposed to learn about it then?)

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank. (Yeah, that's only two gallons.)

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium. (I did this once, but I was younger than 30, so it's OK.)

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate. (Oh, oh. I'm a loser.)

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

This is very good news for me

Judge: Web-Surfing Worker Can't Be Fired

Never go to anything that's referred to as a festival

At the suggestion of a friend, I spent Saturday afternoon in hell. Well, actually it was the Scottsdale Culinary Festival.

First of all, there are two things that I hate more than anything: (1) walking long distances and (2) people. This event involved both.

I have a handicap permit which got me a sweet parking space only a few miles from our destination. After a lengthy hike up and down hills, we arrived at an area inside the festival known as Margarita Village. Access required an additional $5 fee but at least there were tables to sit at. I don't like margaritas but was content with $4 Coronas.

After a few drinks, we were informed that the beer garden was "the place to be." There would be another $5 entrance fee but then you get all the beer you want for free.

So I walk another mile, stopping for 20 minutes to stand in line at the porta-potties. Upon entering the beer garden I was handed a tiny little beer mug. This tiny shot glass-sized container is what the free beer is served in. Here's the process: you pick a beer line to stand in. Once you get to the front, your shot glass is filled. You take your two gulps and return to the back of the line and start all over. Luckily, I had people to do this for me. But I spent the next couple of hours standing in the heat, reminiscing of the nice table and $4 Coronas I had not so long ago.

I often say that, for me, happiness is being able to get a drink when I want and being able to take a piss when I want. I had neither of those things at the Culinary Festival. It was the biggest waste of time for me, other than college.

The most boring event to be broadcast on your phone

NFL draft on mobile phones

Now, no matter where you are, you will be able to see who Tampa Bay selects with the 27th pick in the 7th round.

Celebrity Love Match

Find out your celebrity love match. Mine is Wynona Ryder. I guess I could do worse. I was afraid it was going to be Oprah. Runner-ups are Natalie Portman, Angelina Jolie and Kirsten Dunst.

Last year I was #6

The 100 unsexiest men in the world

Crap, I missed it this year

Steak and BJ Day

Employee of the day!

I made it to work on time today. Actually I made it in four minutes early - 6:56am.

I can't remember the last time I arrived on time for work, but I believe Bill Clinton was President.

Tough day at the office

Today was a rough one. I did not leave my office from 7:30am to 4:15pm. And I physically did not even get up from my desk until 3:00pm, when I stood up and stretched.

I guess this is payback for the last month or so, when I probably put in about 10 hours of work total.

A gay night

I just finished watching a romantic comedy all by myself. Now I am going to pour a glass of chardonnay and take a bubble bath.

Stupid fucker

Eminem divorcing wife Kim -- again

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image for story

(archive)

Only the good die young

Guess who was watching Billy Joel last night from a luxury box... Me, stupid! Why would I be writing about someone else doing that?

That's the way to see a show: sitting in a suite, drinking free beer (someone paid for it, but it wasn't me), eating free cheesecake (someone paid for it, but again...) and looking down on Billy Joel playing live. And my favorite part: when you gotta piss, the private bathroom is right there.

In other news, I lost some graphics when transitioning away from that damn Canadian hosting company. So I need to fix my drunk meter.

I'm back

My damn Canadian hosting company has messed with me for the last time. How dare they tell me that I've exceeded my monthly traffic allowance and then shut me down!

Well, I'm back now. Just have nothing to say.

Today in history

1990 - "Pretty Woman" was released.

2005 - I added a Visitor Counter and Google Ads to this site. Since then I've received nearly 53,000 visitors and generated $35 in revenue.

Today in history

1896 - Chinese communist leader, He Long, was born. I've never heard of this guy and really have no idea who he is, but could any guy have a better name than He Long?

1931 - T.J. Hooker was born.

Finally!

I didn't think I'd ever finish my work today.

Justice!

Charges dropped against teacher in sex case

As I predicted here, Debra Lafave is not guilty. Well, the charges were dropped...that's the same thing to me.

A 14-year-old got to nail this. Where's the crime?



She still faces three years of house arrest. So if you happen to live next door, you may want to stop by.

Today in history

1946 - The Los Angeles Rams signed Kenny Washington, the first black player to join a National Football League team since 1933. The NFL would eventually go on to sign dozens of black players.

1962 - Ferris Bueller was born.




1978 - This fuck was born:

Drunken thoughts on "Cocktail"

What is it about Elisabeth Shue movies that makes me want to drink?

Tonight "Cocktail" was on Starz, Encore or one of those other channels that run up my cable bill, yet rarely offer anything good to watch.

Just like "Leaving Las Vegas," this movie makes me thirsty. Since they're both, in some way, about alcohol, I guess it makes sense. It never bothered me that "Leaving" was about a guy drinking himself to death. It still makes me want to drink.

So here I am: drinking whiskey, watching a pre-insane Tom Cruise pouring drinks.

Hey, there's the World Trade Center. Those were innocent times.

Cruise and the other guy from the movie get drunk and walk around New York, singing the Big Bopper's "Chantilly Lace." Never has booze made me take to the streets, singing songs with my buddies.

Time for another C.C. & Coke.

I remember that Kokomo song was pretty big when I was a school lad.

Oh, oh - Tom just knocked up Elisabeth Shue and her father is not very happy with him. Wonder if Katie Holmes' dad likes this movie.

Well, that was two hours of my life

I'll never get back.

They should make a sequel

I bet I could get Whitney Houston now. Too bad I don't want to.