Drunken Oscars Thoughts

After having a few drinks with some screaming kids, I returned I to my house to catch the Oscars. I missed the first 1/2 hour so I missed Chris Rock's intro.

Anyway, I got home, grabbed a bottle of open wine that I've had for about a month, and turned on the Academy Awards.

Now it's about 1 1/2 hours into it. Let me catch you up on what has happened so far: I've had to piss 5 times and I just saw Prince in the audience. That pretty much brings you up to date.

The award for Best Live Action Short is being announced. How exciting! I think "American Wedding" is on Cinemax...yes it is...sweet...Stiffler just ate dog shit!

(Hey, I'm not able to get on Wirthy.com. Hope I didn't forget to pay a bill.)

Some sound guys just won for the Ray Charles movie. I wonder if they're already in work on the Stevie Wonder movie.

Holy shit, another sound award! Back to "American Wedding."

A song from some movie called "The Motorcycle Diaries" is supposedly the first Spanish song nominated for an Oscar, and right now Carlos Santana is playing it, with Antonio Banderas singing. This is going to hold my attention for about 3 seconds. Stiffler just banged Jim's grandma in the closet on "American Wedding."

Best Documentary - Short Subject. If I did a documentary on Geri Keeling, could I win this award? Get it: short subject...Geri. Nevermind.

Wow, that guy from 21 Jump Street somehow got front-row seats.

Now on Cinemax is a movie called "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs" (A man poses as his roommate in hopes of an Internet rendezvous, 90 Min, Adult, TV-MA)...sweet.

Apparently all the Oscar-nominated songs tonight are being sung by Beyonce. Right now she is singing a song from "Polar Express." She has quite the hour glass figure - if the bottom part of the hour glass is ten times the size of the top part.

And the Oscar for Best Chick In A Film goes to Hillary Swank for "Million Dollar Baby." Apparently she's the only actor to win an Oscar for portraying a boxer. Of course everyone knows that the Academy totally screwed over Carl Weathers for his portrayal of Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies.

Time to piss for the 6th time.

The Oscar for movie that I'm most likely to never see goes to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

The girl on "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs" just lifted up her dress at a restaurant and doesn't have any underwear on.

Here's the award for Best Actor in a Leading Role:

Is Don Cheadle the guy from the 7-Up commercials?

Johnny Depp from "21 Jump Street," oh, I mean "Finding Neverland"

Leonardo DiCaprio from "Growing Pains," oh, I mean "The Aviator"

Clint Eastwood from "Space Cowboys," oh, I mean "Million Dollar Baby"

Jamie Foxx from "In Living Color," oh, I mean "Ray"

And the Oscar goes to Jamie Foxx. I hope he already put his name in for the Stevie Wonder movie.

Jamie Foxx's daughter needs dental work. Can't he afford a dentist?

Oprah's in the 4th row, with all the white people.

Dirty Harry just won for Best Directing. His mom is in the audience and he appears to be the same age as her.

Oh my god - to announce Best Motion Picture is Dustin Hoffman and a dairy cow. Oh, wait a second...hold on...oops, my mistake - It's Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand.

And the winner for Best Motion Picture is "Pleasure Zone: Foreign Affairs."

Hellbound

Melissa and I just made a bet on whether the Pope would live past two weeks. I say no. If the old man kicks it in under 14 days, I got free dinner!

I'm going to hell, for sure. But I was probably going there anyway.

Black History Month - Honoring Two Foot Fred

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Two Foot Fred

Brief Bio
Two Foot Fred, who stands 3' 2", appeared in the video "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy" by country singers Big & Rich. He also owns many business including a pub called the Funkey Monkey.

Why he is being honored
For being the funniest goddamn thing in last night's NBA All Star Game half time show.

Be sure to visit www.twofootfred.com

Black History Month - Honoring Reggie Fowler

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Reggie Fowler

Brief Bio
A former Wyoming football player who also played briefly for the Cincinnati Bengals, Fowler recently purchased the Minnesota Vikings. Fowler owns Spiral, Inc. which supplies grocery stores with bags, cups and crap like that. He is worth $400 million.


Why he is being honored
As far as I know, he's the only black man, other than musicians, athletes and drug dealers, to get really rich.

Black History Month - Honoring Black Sidekicks

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Phillip Michael Thomas and Thomas E. Mosley

Brief Bio
Phillip Michael Thomas played Ricardo Tubbs in "Miami Vice." Thomas E. Mosley was Theodore TC Calvin in "Magnum P.I."


Why they are being honored
Unlike their white counterparts Tom Selleck, who went on to many blockbuster projects like "Quigley Down Under," and Don Johnson who continued his A-level career with "Guilty as Sin" and "Tin Cup," Thomas and Mosley forever preserved their 1980's characters by refusing to ever act again in anything that people would ever see.

Black History Month - Honoring Jayson Williams

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Jayson Williams

Brief Bio
Jayson Williams attended St. John's where he averaged 14.9 points per game. He was drafted 21st overall in the 1990 NBA draft. Plagued by injuries throughout his career, he played for Philadelphia and New Jersey over nine years. He is currently attmepting a return to the NBA, currently playing for the Idaho Stampede in the CBA.


Why he is being honored
For not letting the fact that he shot and killed his limo driver ruin his life.

Black History Month - Denouncing The PBA

Instead of honoring someone for Black History Month, today I am denouncing someone.

The Professional Bowlers Association

Brief Bio
The PBA was established in 1958 when 33 charter members banded together to form the Professional Bowlers Association. Today, with over 4,100 members, it remains the acknowledged "major league" of bowling in the world.

Why they are being denounced
Of the 50+ players on the PBA Tour, not a single one is black. The PBA Hall of Fame does not have one black inductee. Shouldn't someone be looking into this?

Black History Month - Honoring Halle Berry

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Halle Berry

Brief Bio
Halle Berry was born on August 14, 1966 in Cleveland. In 1986 she was first runner-up in the Miss USA Pageant. She then went on to star in blockbuster movies like "The Last Boy Scout" and "Bulworth."

Why he is being honored
For creating, what has to be, the best scene in moving history: "Monster's Ball," about half-way through or so.

Brrrr!

Someone turn up the heat, it looks like it's a little nipply.

Black History Month - Honoring O.J. Simpson

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

O.J. Simpson

Brief Bio
O.J. was a two-time All-American from the University of Southern California and a 1968 Heisman Trophy winner. The Buffalo Bills selected him as the No. 1 player in the 1969 NFL draft. In his 11 year career, he rushed for 11,236 yards, scoring 76 touchdowns.

Why he is being honored
Most black people dream of killing at least one white person. O.J. killed two.

Black History Month - Honoring Shawn Kemp

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Shawn Kemp

Brief Bio
Kemp went straight from high school to the NBA, drafted 17th overall in the 1989 draft draft by the Seattle Supersonics. After eight seasons with the Sonics, he played for Cleveland, Portland and Orlando, before retiring in 2003.

Why he is being honored
He has seven children with six women; what an upstanding, responsible member of the black community!

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Revenue!!!

I am pleased to announce that Wirthy.com has generated its first revenue due to a purchase at the Wirthy.com Store.

Nearly five years of paying registration and hosting fees and finally, finally the money is starting to roll in.

Guys, remember that Valentine's Day is coming up. Wouldn't your significant other love to receive a Wirthy.com thong on that day.

Black History Month - Honoring Wesley Snipes

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Wesley Snipes

Brief Bio
Wesley Snipes was born July 31, 1962 in Orlando, FL. He attended the High School for the Performing Arts,popularized in the movie "Fame." After graduating he appeared in local dinner theaters and regional productions. An agent saw him in a competition and got him his first movie role with Goldie Hawn in Wildcats.

Why he is being honored
Is there anybody "blacker" than Wesley Snipes?

Thurman

This entry is for my buddy Thurman who is upset because I don't make as many drunken web log entries as I used to.

Well Thurman, I'm drunk now.

I was at 92nd Street Cafe tonight. Where were you? Every other drunk person your age (old) was there.

Drunk at bar

Black History Month - Honoring Shock-G

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Shock-G of Digital Underground

Brief Bio
Born Gregory Jacobs on August 25, 1963, Shock-G is a founding member of the 80's rap group Digital Underground, which developed a weird sense of style and humor with alter egos and outrageous costumes.

Why he is being honored
Remember "The Humpty Dance?" That song kicked ass!

Black History Month - Honoring Gerrell

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Gerrell

Brief Bio
Gerrell (last name unknown) was my suite-mate for one semester in college; and he is black.

Why he is being honored
He never assaulted or robbed me during the four months I knew him.

Black History Month - Honoring Lark Voohries

To celebrate Black History Month, every day (or nearly every day) of February, I will be showcasing a person who I believe is worthy of being honored and praised for his or her talents, bravery and contributions to our country.

Lark Voohries

Brief Bio
Lark was born on March 15, 1974 in Tennessee. She first began acting at the age of two but postponed her acting career until the age of 11, when she appeared in "Small Wonder". She is best (and pretty much only) known for her role as Lisa Turtle in "Save by the Bell."

Why she is being honored
From 1989 - 1993 she was the hottest black girl on TV.

Benefits of Global Warming

dakota
Originally uploaded by wirthy.

Maybe land in ND will be worth something someday.

This is why I always have beer in my car

Man peed way out of avalanche

A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out.

But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

WTF (What the F#%@!!!!)

How exciting: earlier this week the Arizona Cardinals announced they would be adopting a new logo. What marketing genius came up with this new design?


Old Logo vs. New Logo

Interesting Undercard

Interesting Undercard
Originally uploaded by wirthy.

I saw this poster while in Vegas over the weekend. It looks like an interesting undercard bout, I'll have to order it.

Lets Get Serious, Just for a Minute

While I usually do not spend much time on this site discussing serious topics, sometimes there are things in this world too important to ignore.

It has become clear to me, and to thousands of others, that we no longer need Ashlee Simpson. PetitionOnline.com is seeking signatures on a petition to her record label and management company demanding that she cease recording, touring, modeling and performing.

So take a few minutes out of your day and help make our world a better place.

Sign the petition on petitiononline.com

New Publicity Photo

It looks like all those years of hoisting 12 ounce beers is finally paying off.

Barta's new baby

Barta's new baby
Originally uploaded by wirthy.

Utilizing advanced computer generated imaging software, I was able to create a photo of what Chad and Brenda Barta's baby will look like once it is born.

The program also estimates an 82% likelihood the baby will be named Daunte.

It's amazing what we can do with techology these days!

Drinking bet ends early

Any drinking that Mark 0tto did Friday or Saturday did not violate the bet he made with me nine days earlier.

Last Wednesday 0tto bet me $50 that he could go two weeks without alcohol. After nine days of watching him drink Coke and iced tea, I conceded victory to him. We came to an agreement that allowed him to win the bet, resume drinking and collect partial payment. I gave him $25 but then stuck him with the tab.

Quote

If Wirthy can walk to his car, Wirthy can drive his car, because it is a lot harder for Wirthy to walk to his car than it is for him to drive his car.

- Brian Goeser, circa 1995

Photo Archive

Here's a shot of a then-single Missy Dosmann I found in the Wirthy.com archives.

C'mon 0tto - step it up!

Mark 0tto quits drinking beer for 6 days and look what's being reported:

Beer Is Losing Ground in Alcohol Market
From Yahoo.com

ST. LOUIS - If you sometimes find yourself ordering a glass of wine or a mixed drink when you used to order a beer, you're not alone.

Wines and distilled spirits continue to gain a bigger share of the alcoholic beverage market, at the expense of the beer industry.

It's a trend that has been going on since the late 1990s and continued in 2004. Analysts who follow the alcoholic beverage industry don't see it stopping anytime soon.

"We believe there is an overall image crisis with beer," Smith Barney Citicorp analyst Bonnie Herzog said.

As baby boomers age, they are more willing to buy wine and spirits instead of beer. And the wine and spirit companies are successfully targeting younger drinkers with advertising and promotions.

"Our wholesaler contacts have told us through a survey we conducted recently that beer has lost its 'sexiness' and 'appeal to young consumers,'" Herzog said. "We continue to believe the road ahead is a long one for the beer industry."

Beer remains, by far, the most popular alcoholic beverage in the United States. But its share of the alcohol market has slipped.

Beer Marketer's Insights, a trade publication, estimates that beer accounted for 59.5 percent of the absolute alcohol content sold in its peak year, 1995. That had fallen to 56.7 percent in 2003.

The spirits industry began its big push in 1999, when it had 28.6 percent of the market. In 2003, its share had risen to 29.7 percent. Wine went from 12.6 percent to 13.6 percent.

The totals for 2004 aren't in, but it was "more of the same," said Benj Steinman, president of Beer Marketer's Insights.

The spirits industry spent almost $100 million on broadcast advertising in 2004, compared with "almost zero" in 1999, said Frank Coleman, a senior vice president at the Distilled Spirits Council of the U.S. in Washington.

August Busch IV, president of Anheuser-Busch Cos. brewing unit, has said that wine and spirits represent "a threat" to his company and the rest of the beer industry.

Miller Brewing Co. President Norman Adami said, "The single biggest threat facing the American beer business today is the possibility that we will allow the American consumer to get bored with beer."

So what are the brewers doing about it?

For one thing, they are spending more money on promotions, including what they call on-premise spending. That means mostly bars and restaurants, but also hotels, clubs, and concession stands.

On-premise sales, as opposed to store sales, account for only 25 percent of all beer volume in the United States, but 48 percent of all beer retail dollars, making it an important battleground.

Wine and spirits companies have promoted themselves aggressively in bars and restaurants, increasing their sales, Legg Mason analyst Mark Swartzberg said.

Anheuser-Busch, the brewer of Budweiser and Bud Light, has said it plans to spend an additional $30 million for on-premise promotions in fiscal 2005, a 150 percent increase.

Milwaukee-based Miller Brewing also has increased spending.

"Miller is spending about 40 percent more on advertising and promotion than 18 months ago," Swartzberg said.

And a little generational rebellion must be overcome, as well, Swartzberg said. Younger drinkers may choose wine and cocktails because their parents chose beer.

"Any given generation wants to be different than its parents," he said. "It's the natural ebb and flow."

Reason to Never Get Pregnant

Here are some photos of actress Leah Remini. There's something different about one of them. Hmmm...can't quite put my finger on it.

We need more judges like this

Being ordered to have no more children should be the punishment for more crimes: speeding tickets, red light violations, etc.


Judge orders drug addict to stop having children
From CNN.com

ROCHESTER, New York (AP) -- A Family Court judge who last year stirred debate about parental responsibilities ordered a second drug-addicted woman to have no more children until she proves she can look after the seven she already has.

The 31-year-old mother, identified in court papers only as Judgette W., lost custody of her children, ranging in age from eight months to 12 years, in child-neglect hearings dating back to 2000. Six are in foster care at state expense and one lives with an aunt.

The youngest child and two others tested positive for cocaine at birth and all seven "were removed from her care and custody because she could not and did not take care of them," Judge Marilyn O'Connor said in a December 22 decision made public Tuesday.

"Because every child born deserves a mother and a father, or at the very least a mother or a father, this court is once again taking this unusual step of ordering this biological mother to conceive no more children until she reclaims her children from foster care or other caretakers," O'Connor wrote.

In a similar ruling last March, O'Connor ordered a drug-addicted, homeless mother of four to refrain from bearing children until she won back care of her children. The decision, the first of its kind in New York, is being appealed.

Wisconsin and Ohio have upheld similar rulings involving "deadbeat dads" who failed to pay child support. But in other states, judges have turned back attempts to interfere with a person's right to procreate.

O'Connor said she was not forcing contraception or sterilization on the mother, who had children with seven different men, nor requiring her to get an abortion should she become pregnant. But she warned that the woman could be jailed for contempt if she has another child.

The New York Civil Liberties Union maintained that the opinion cannot be enforced because it "tramples on a fundamental right -- the right to procreate."

"There is no question the circumstances of this case are deeply troubling," said the group's executive director, Donna Lieberman. "But ordering a woman under threat of jail not to have any more babies ... puts the court squarely in the bedroom. And that's no place for the government."

Getting Screwed By Christmas & New Years

This year, Christmas lands on a Saturday, as does New Years Day. This means we all get screwed when it comes to getting days off from work. I assume that school teachers around the country will get January 2nd, 3rd and 4th off to compensate for these holidays landing on weekends.

Ding! Ding! Here Comes the Shit-mobile

I've posted this before, but it's funny enough to look at again.

Be sure to check out the shit-mobile picture on the second page.

Click here

Saturday Drinking Continues

Just because UND Fighting Sioux were eliminated from the Division II football playoffs over the weekend doesn't mean we all can't still get together this Saturday at R.T. O'Sullivans and drink all day.

Why not meet there at noon for the Oregon vs. Illinois basketball game? TVGuide.com says Junior Deron Williams is the top threat for high-scoring Illinois, while point guard Aaron Brooks is the wind beneath the Ducks' wings. The all-time series is tied 1-1. Sounds like a fun-filled afternoon to me!

The following Saturday we'll watch the LSU women's ball team take on Southwest Missouri State.

Movie Review

A couple of nights ago, I watched the movie "The Day After Tomorrow." This movie takes a big-budget, special-effects-filled look at what the world would look like if global warming continued at such levels that it resulted in worldwide catastrophe and disaster, including multiple hurricanes, tornadoes, tidal waves, floods and the beginning of the next Ice Age.

The entire northern half of the United States froze over and was covered in snow. Temperatures were so low that people froze to death immediately. Big goddamn deal; that's North Dakota every winter.

Also at the end of the movie, all surviving Americans relocated to Mexico. I don't know about you, but I'd rather die a horrible frozen death than live in Mexico.

Stupid movie - no nudity.

Congratulations Sioux!

The University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux football team's win over Grand Valley State Saturday means the Sioux advance to the Division II semifinals. But more importantly, it means I get another Saturday morning of drinking.

A win against Pittsburg State this weekend will propel the Sioux to the championship game and me to a third consecutive Saturday of drinking.

Fallout from Pacers-Pistons fight

I am sad to see that the fight that broke out at the end of Friday's Pacers-Pistons game may negatively affect all sports fans.

NBA Commissioner David Stern said the league will consider restricting alcohol sales, particularly in the 4th quarter of games. After witnessing the fight that involved a fan throwing a beer at Pacer Ron Artest, other leagues may also restrict beer sales.

So now a guy like me, who doesn't want to throw beer at anyone and, at the worst, just wants to get drunk, fall down the stairs or pass out in the arena parking lot, will be punished for the stupid actions of a few.

Sorry Kelsey

Sorry Kelsey, I know I promised to write something here but I'm drunk and tired. Maybe later.

I'd only have to eat every 3 days

Hardee’s serves up 1,420-calorie burger (full story)

Official Statement

Over the last two weeks, rumors have arose that I am currently dating someone. Some even go as far as to speculate that I am dating a female. I will now respond to these rumors.

It is true that I am seeing someone and this person is female. I choose at this time to not reveal her identity online because I do not want my ass kicked. I am sure it is understandable that dating me is not something to be proud of and, therefore, not something one would want publicized. Some may find this hypocritical because I rarely protect the anonymity of anyone. My response to these people is: 'yes, this is quite hypocritical, but too f'ing bad. Get your own damn site and write whatever you want about me.'

Noticeably my current situation has reduced the amount of time I have spent updating Wirthy.com. I soon expect to be dedicating more time to the site because, honestly, how much longer can this relationship really last?

Where have I been?

It's been nearly two weeks since my last web log entry. Where the hell have I been?

Well, I'll tell you: I have been extremely focused on my career lately.

Here are some pictures of my newest living room furniture.

17,000 Hits!

In just a little over two months, Wirthy.com has gone from 16,000 to 17,000 hits.

There's another accomplishment for me that doesn't mean a goddamn thing!

In real life, this never happens

Kirstie Alley Syndrome Strikes Again!

Cybill Sheppard then and now.

The one for me

This just dawned on me. I think I've finally found my perfect woman: Dana Reeve, widow of Christopher Reeve.

Think about it: most women aren't interested in a guy like me who can barely walk, but she just spent nine years with a guy who couldn't even move his finger. I can move all my fingers - whenever I want!!! I can move my head from side to side. I can breathe on my own. I can drive a car both sober and drunk. I can prepare light lunches. I go to the bathroom all by myself. I can speak more than 10 words in a minute. To her, I'm Superman!

Dana, give me a call.

Still sober

I am over 40 hours into my latest attempt at long-term sobriety, which is about the 4th longest sober streak I've ever had.

Being sober is sort of like having super powers. Last night I was able to untie both shoes without falling over repeatedly and this afternoon I lifted a burning car off of a small boy.

Tonight I watched the series finale of MacGyver which originally aired in 1992. For months I've been watching that show in a drunken haze. Let me tell - that's the best way to watch it. At the end of the final show, MacGyver rides off on a motorcycle with his son that he met for the first time 46 minutes earlier. TVLAND is now starting the series over with season #1. I'm not sure if I'll continue watching, especially since I just realized that WGN airs Magnum P.I. daily.

Time to dry out

Tonight has been long overdue. While I did go out for a while, I probably only had four or five beers. I was home by 9:15pm.

Tonight is the first sober night I've had since last week sometime. Hell it maybe longer than that since I don't remember what I did last week.

Anyway tonight I rest.

Night of no drinking

I've been drinking a little too much lately. After getting drunk off of Black Velvet Monday night and waking up Tuesday morning, fully clothed, lying on my bed with all my lights on, I decided I needed a break.

So I was leaving work yesterday with intentions of enjoying a relaxing alcohol-free night at home when my phone rang. It was one of my friends who said he was going to Chuy's. I won't say who but if you had one guess, I'm sure you'd get it. Note to wives: this friend called ME not the other way around.

Anyway my night of no drinking really got derailed. And with Tom Miller coming to town tonight, I doubt I'll get another chance anytime soon.

And I still haven't been able to get this week's Survivor Wirthy out. Maybe today.

Strippers and vomit

Tonight I was outsmarted by a very crafty stripper. It turns out that all she wanted was my money. What a shock.

Later tonight a friend got sick from drinking and threw up. Do you know that the last time I've thrown up from alcohol was 1996? And the last time I've thrown up ever was in January 1998. How many of you can say that? What a goddamn accomplishment! How many of you can say you even bother to think of the last time you threw up? Hell, it's 3:00am and I'm drunk - you'd be surprised at the shit you think of.

Recipe for fun

So you're sitting at home on a night that may or may not be the night before Work-From-Home-Friday and none of your friends want to go out. What do you do? Here's what you do: you have a good time all by yourself and this is all you need:

1. Six episodes of MacGyver recorded (may substitute Magnum P.I., A-Team or Knight Rider).

2. Alcohol...and lots of it (my choice is whiskey. you may prefer vodka, tequila or something else).

3. Charles Barkley bobblehead (may substitute Hakeem Olajuwon or Roger Clemens but I don't recommend).

4. Digital camera (can be purchased at most electronics stores).

First you start drinking. I began with beer and then progressed to the whiskey.

Start watching MacGyver. Try to appreciate the moral lesson conveyed in each episode.

Take time out for peanut butter sandwich dinner (optional).

Continue with MacGyver.

Notice the Charles Barkley bobblehead on the counter.

Grab the digital camera.

Let the foolery begin!

Bugles and tooth paste

Sorry but I've kind of been on a MacGyver kick lately. After watching quite a few episodes over the last week, I've noticed something: every show ends in a very gay way.

So it's about 11:30pm. I just finished a screwdriver which, thanks to a trip to the grocery store, was tonight's drink of choice. I just brushed my teeth, took out the contacts and was off to bed when I got an all-to-familiar craving...one more beer isn't going to hurt anyone. Besides I'd much rather have the crisp taste of a pilsner on my breath than that of Cool Mint Crest as I drift into my nightly coma.

Guess what I found at the grocery store today: Bugles! I used to remember them coming in a box but now they come in a bag - just like chips...fascinating. They made a nice side dish to my dinner entree of peanut butter sandwiches. Damn I'm livin' large!

Survivor Wirthy

Don't miss the first episode of Survivor Wirthy. Go to www.wirthy.com/survivor or just go to Wirthy.com and try to find your way from there (hint: pay special attention to the huge Survivor Wirthy logo).

I got this amazing idea while watching ABC's The Benefactor late one drunken night. I was going to spend months developing my online reality show and planned to incorporate music, animation and maybe even video. It was to be my most ambitious project yet! But when I sobered up the next morning I decided to streamline the production and I put the damn thing out in under a week.

Call me Drunkman!

Tonight I watched the movie "The Punisher". It's about a cop whose entire family is killed. This turns him into a vigilante/superhero-type person who battles crime at night but drinks whiskey during the day to dull the pain of losing his family.

This movie has inspired me to become a drunken superhero. But instead of getting drunk and later going out to battle crime, I'll probably just keep getting drunk and let crime continue on its own. I mean, what am I gonna do? Beat criminals with my cane? I'll get my ass kicked.

A bottle of red, a bottle of white

Tonight it was just a bottle of red and a couple of beers.

Hi Jeremy Bittner - a new Wirthy.com Weblog fan. Spread the word; my goal of becoming the most famous person from Munich, ND is within reach.

Today - Munich
Tomorrow - Henderson Township (or whatever the hell it is)
Next week - Cavalier County
A Month From Now - North Dakota
Next Year - THE WORLD!!!

And then there will be no stopping me!

I watched a cool movie tonight. It starred the guy who played Pig Vomit in the Howard Stern movie. Can't remember what it was called though. It was a biography about some guy who I can't think of right now. You should see it...it's funny.

15 minutes just went by as I fought a grueling battle with a cricket. The cricket lost.

Hey, Saturday Night Live is on TV right now...makes it feel like a weekend. Enough typing for tonight.

More MacGyver

My friend Tanya from Minnesota e-mailed me this afternoon and told me she hoped that I would not drink alone tonight. Unfortunately, neither she nor anyone else stopped by, so I did end up drinking by myself. Why do I constantly do this? Is it because I have low self-esteem? Is it because I'm slowly trying to end this miserable life? Or could it have something to do with the fact that my house is stocked with more liquor than a...umm...a liquor-selling place, and there's nobody here but me to drink it?

I caught a couple more episodes of MacGyver tonight on TVLND. I learned MacGyver doesn't like guns because, when he was a kid, he and some friends played with a gun and one of his friends accidentally got shot to death. MacGyver as an adult also does not drink alcohol. Tonight he said, that at age 11, he and his friend Freddie polished off a 6-pack of beer inside of an hour. Freddie later died drinking and driving. MacGyver is such a pussy! Who among us didn't kill a friend the first time we played with a gun? Whose friend didn't drive off a cliff after drinking beer for the first time? Get back on that horse, MacGyver!

I also caught a couple episodes of Cheers. Damn that TVLND channel is great! Sam Malone had on a cardigan sweater in both shows. I think I'll start wearing those again.

Well, it's after 2:00 a.m. again. Luckily it's Work-From-Home-Friday today. I haven't stayed up this late since Tuesday night, which happened to be right before Work-From-Home-Wednesday.

Damn MacGyver!

If that damn MacGyver would just kill somone, I'd be in bed by now.

Instead it's after 2:00 a.m. and I'm just going to sleep because of that damn wuss.

Hey, I have a great idea for Wir thy.com. It's going to be hilarious! But I'm drunk, what do I know?

Summer is finally here

Summer has arrived. The way I know is that we went to the lake yesterday for the first time this year. I'm looking forward to many, many lake outings this summer.

Damn, I'm a loser!

It's 10:00 p.m. I'm sitting at my computer while watching a PBS documentary on the evolution of video games. I am not getting laid, I'm not going out, I'm just sitting here all by myself. What a frickin' loser!

I am drinking though, so that's cool. Kids, don't let anyone tell you drinking is not cool. There is nothing cooler, except maybe drugs but those are usually more expensive and harder to come by.

How do you do it?

I don't know how you people do it - go to bed early. I tried it tonight (see the post below). After tossing and turning for a half hour, I had to get up and pour myself a glass of whiskey.

Well, now I have to drink myself to sleep.

Unspeakable act

A horribly gruesome and disgusting thing occurred this morning. I am barely able to bring myself to recount it.

This morning after shaving I removed the blade from my razor and went to toss it in the garbage. But in what can only be described as a momentary complete lapse of judgment, I tossed the blade cartridge into the toilet.

I stared at the blade now resting at the bottom of my toilet bowl for what was probably only a few seconds but felt like hours. What were my options? Can I flush it? Should I use the toilet brush to fish it out? What if by doing so, I nudged it out of reach?

It soon became clear what I would have to do.

I bent down over the bowl and submerged my left hand into the water which went up past my wrist. Quickly I grabbed the razor cartridge and yanked my hand out.

Despite being quite traumatized, I managed to keep my wits about me. I scrubbed my hand and arm with hot water and Dial hand soap. Not quite satisfied I took a shower using a bar of Dial soap and Old Spice Body Wash. I have also decided to no longer use that hand ever again.

Self-destruction Saturday

The Saturday before Labor Day for me is known as Self-destruction Saturday (SDS). Yesterday was the first annual SDS. Activities on this day include starting to drink 11:00 a.m. and continuing to the entire day...all by myself.

During SDS I do not go anywhere, I do not leave my property. I spend the entire day in an intoxicated haze.

Making numerous drunk phone calls is encouraged and I did so throughout the afternoon and evening.

Other activities that took place on SDS included killing ants with insect spray, trying to master the Kiss ballad "Beth" on piano and deciding if I should eat a ham sandwich that I just dropped on the ground.

Once the sun went down, I celebrated that I was still conscious by opening a bottle of champagne. Later in the night I even got some SDS visitors when Colonel and Geri showed up.

Sometime after 1:00 a.m. I passed out on my recliner. At 1:57 a.m. I managed to lift myself off the chair, make my way through the living room - past a bent oscillating fan that I had a run in with earlier in the day, and drop myself onto my bed. By the way, I have slept in my clothes the past two nights.

So the first annual SDS is in the past and I must wait another year for it to come around again. Luckly I have SDM (Self-destruction Monday) coming up tomorrow.

Gloria snubbed

Last night I watched the MTV Video Music Awards. Toward the end of the show, R&B "diva" Alicia Keys eulogized Ray Charles who died in June. Very touching, but what about Laura Branigan? The Grammy-nominated pop singer best known for her 1982 hit "Gloria" died last week.

MTV continues to snub Laura Branigan, just as it has for the past 15 years.

And the Oscar goes to...Vin Diesel

What a goddamn boring day! I get up early and sit at home working my ass off all day for work-from-home-Friday. After work, nobody wants to fucking go out. I hear from no one.

Finally at 8:00 pm, I decide my alcohol supply is a little under what I feel is a comfortable amount, so off I go to Osco. Once I get there, I realize I left my wallet at home. Son of a bitch!!! Now I have to drive home, get my wallet and head back to Osco. Luckily for me, I have all the f'ing time in the world. Hey get this: because I bought way more liquor than one person really needs, they gave me a free bottle of rum...nice!

By the way, when I left for Osco the first time, I was watching "A Man Apart" starring Vin Diesel. Holy shit was that a crappy movie! A Mexican drug cartel had killed DEA agent Vin Diesel's wife. After I finally got home, guess what...Vin Diesel single-handedly avenged his wife's death and brought down the entire cartel. I never saw that coming! How was this movie passed over by the Oscars?

So I spent most of the night drinking whiskey and watching some movie starring Val Kilmer as a porn star/murderer. It was either based on the real life of some 70's porn star or the real life of Val Kilmer...I'm can't remember.

Am I a social drinker?

I find myself in a strange, unfamiliar situation. It's nearly midnight, I just got home, but I'm not drunk.

After work, I met John Erickson at a bar where I had a few beers, not a lot - 3 I think. Afterwards I went to Erickson's house where I drank a handful of beers over quite a few hours. I guess you could almost call it social drinking.

On the way home, I stopped by Chuy's but after finding no one I knew, I left without having a single drink.

So now I'm at home. I did not sleep in my car. I've already changed clothes. I didn't fall down. I am not lying on my living room floor or passed out in a recliner. It's a very wierd feeling. If you haven't tried social drinking, I recommend it - once in a while.

I gotta go now. I hear my whiskey calling for me from the kitchen.

California Extra Dry

What a goddamn shitty day. All day long at work: "My e-mail isn't working!" "I can't get online!" "Why doesn't why printer work?" It's like working in an office with Colonel and Mel Dosmann.

Since I got nothing done at the office, I got to come home and work a few hours more. On the positive side, I can drink while working at home.

I've just polished off a bottle of $5 ($3.95) champagne. Normally champagne is a weekend thing but what the hell, I'm in that "weekend" type of mood. Since I didn't want to commit to an entire can of 7Up, I am now drinking Miller Lites instead of hitting Seagrams 7 and 7Up.

Hell, that's enough for tonight.

Off the wagon...or is it on the wagon?

"Off" the wagon or "on" the wagon: which one means your drunk? After going all day yesterday without drinking, I got thirsty again. I watched the Ashton Kutcher movie, "The Butterfly Effect." You try to watch an Ashton Kutcher movie sober.

However, I am true to my earlier promise of becoming more mature. I was responsible enough to change into pajamas (Adidas shorts and Christie's Cabaret t-shirt) hours ago so that I wouldn't pass out in my clothes. That's something that I wouldn't have done when I was in my 20's.

30

I was more hungover this morning than I usually am. Normally after coming off a hard night of drinking, I sleep until 10:00 a.m. and I'm fine. This morning, I woke up at 11:00 a.m., lying on my bed, in my clothes and feeling like shit.

My first thought was that I am now 30, no longer in my 20's, and that I will no longer be able to bounce back after drinking. But then reality set in: I'm only one day older than I was yesterday. The obvious reason for my unusual hangover had to be the three shots (three that I remember), numerous Red Bull vodkas and countless beers.

Anyway, by 2:00 p.m. I was fine and ready to drink again. But I didn't. Deb Mikkelsen told me last night, that now that I am 30, I need to behave more maturely. So I went all day without drinking. This should last a while.

Thanks everyone for the surprise party last night. I still need to go to Christies though.

T'was the night before work-from-home-Friday

There are few times in my life that I am happier than work-from-home-Friday-eve. I am getting stinking drunk on screwdrivers knowing that I just need to wake up at 6:59 tomorrow morning, roll off my bed, crawl to my desk, turn on the computer and be at work on time.

Sometime around 9:30 - 10:00 a.m., I'll set my instant messenger status to "away" and grab a quick shower.

As for tonight, I'll keep pouring the screwdrivers until I run out of ice. I'm not like all my rich friends with their fancy automatic icemakers. I have to fill up my two ice trays and wait for the water to turn to ice. Unfortunately, my current ice consumption rate is greater than my ice production rate so I will soon run out. If this happens before I pass out, I will just switch to beer.

16,000 hits!

Wirthy.com just passed 16,000 hits!

Orange you drunk

I just awoke with a wet stain on my shirt and shorts, sitting in one of two recliners that makes up my entire living room furnishings. Further investigation proved the source of the wetness to be the 1/4 empty screwdriver resting in my left hand and not urine which was originally assumed.

By the way, the previous sentence was rather well-constructed given that I am "sofa king" drunk.

Anyway, I smell like oranges and am about to pass out.

Tonight's menu

Last night's drinking menu mainly consisted of Seagrams 7/7 Ups and a few beers.

Tonight I'm having screwdrivers because I want to get some vitamins and also because I have two cartons of orange juice I need to finish.

time to dance

Hey, it's me again. Nice.

I'm drunk again but it's not my fault. I would have gone to bed hours ago but "Footloose" was on. That boy, Ren, he just wanted to dance. Why couldn't they just let him dance? Why? Dammit? why ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Up the ass

I don't know if you've noticed but lately there's been updates up the ass to Wirthy.com. You got the Wirthyology thing, my senior pictures, articles about this, articles about that, yada yada this, yada yada that. Plus I'm updating this weblog pretty often.

So yeaaaayyyyyy for me!!!! What an f'ing accomplishment!

The Lakers traded Rick Fox to the Celtics.

It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm drunk. I'm typing at a rate of about 10 keys per minute.

By the way, I got some very disturbing news tonight. I can not go into detail now but I am very disappointed by the behavior and actions of some people close to me.

Hey, get this: The obituary posted on my site caused a bunch of people to think that I really died. I heard that some people were really concerned and one person even called a relative of mine. It's good to know that when I really go, about 4 people will care.

My neck itches.

Hard to believe

Hard to believe: after saying that I wouldn't get drunk at the Van Halen show, guess what happen...I got drunk. Ohlhauser is a bad influence.

I was more sober than most nights however. Usually I wake up around 3:00am in the livingroom, sitting in my recliner with the TV on and a half-full beer in my hand. This morning I woke up at around 2:00am, in my bed, with the TV on and a container of Pringles in my hand.

Concerts with Mark Ohlhauser

In a few hours, I'll be at the Van Halen concert with Mark Ohlhauser and John Erickson. It's been a while since I've gone to a show with Ohlhauser. We'll see if, after the concert, his memory is any better than it was last time.

Read this: http://www.wirthy.com/issue4.htm#Mark

The history of Wirthy.com

A look back at the history of Wirthy.com is now available:
http://www.wirthy.com/about.htm

I am sure this will interest hardly any of you.

The true life of a teacher

Very soon we will all learn the true life of a teacher...maybe. I'm considering allowing someone else to contribute to Wirthy.com for the first time: my brother Jamie. Compared to me, he doesn't know as much about web sites and probably isn't as funny but he walks a lot faster and will soon begin his teaching/coaching career.

He will be able to provide all of us with the true details of the part-time work life of a teacher. If I get ambitious enough, I'll set him up with a web log to chronicle his day to day activities. It could be funny...it could suck. Hell, maybe I won't even do it. We'll see.

New mouse

I had to go to Best Buy today and get a new mouse for my computer. My old one is full of some sort of goo.

Ha Ha! Funny Story!

Cruelty charge filed after dog is dragged

David J. CieslakThe Arizona RepublicAug. 2, 2004 12:00 AM

Police arrested a man on suspicion of animal cruelty Sunday after he and his wife found their runaway dog in a west Phoenix neighborhood, then tied the animal by its neck to the back of a pickup truck and dragged it nearly a mile.

Herminio Velasquez, 32, told officers he tied the 2-year-old female chow to the truck because he didn't want to place the dog inside the pickup and risk getting his clothes dirty before attending church, investigators said. Witnesses called 911 about 4:30 p.m. after spotting the dog trying to keep up with the truck near Glendale and 43rd avenues, Phoenix police Sgt. Jantra Palmer said.Velasquez told investigators that he believed the dog was running behind the pickup while his wife drove about 10 mph. At one point, Velasquez could not see the chow at the end of the rope and realized it was being dragged, prompting him to get out of the truck and walk the dog home, Palmer said.

A trail of blood spanning about 500 yards was spotted along the path where the animal was dragged, she said.The chow's pads were ripped from its paws and most of the dog's nails were shattered, Arizona Humane Society spokeswoman Kim Noetzel said.

Veterinarians were treating the dog late Sunday, and Noetzel said she believed it would survive.The Humane Society will take custody of the dog pending a disposition of the case in court, Noetzel said.

Velasquez was booked into a Maricopa County jail on one count of felony animal cruelty. Authorities also planned to arrest his wife, who went to church with the couple's children and remained there Sunday evening, Palmer said.