A hot chick from 1983 and a hot chick from 2003 are in some trouble

Rebecca De Mornay Charged With DUI

Mischa Barton jailed on drunken driving charge

It seems like just yesterday

You know how you look back on things in your past and ask "What the hell was I thinking?"?

Example - Senior High School Photo




I was just browsing through my blog to see what I was up to a year ago and realized that 364 days from tomorrow I was removing labels from beer bottles, rolling them up and sticking them in a bar glass.

Could I have been any cooler?

A Holiday Tradition

I have a strange tradition. Every year, around Christmas time, I watch the movie 'The Family Man'. I watch it alone and I watch it drunk.

I love this movie. Nicholas Cage plays a rich, successful, single guy who works in New York, has a nice apartment and drives a Ferrari. He somehow gets thrown into a less cool life where he lives in Jersey and is married to Tea Leoni with two kids.

But in the end, he magically emerges from this sad domestic, parental life and goes back to his normal kick-ass life. At the end of the movie, it appears he'll still be banging Tea Leoni but, at least for now, has no friggin' kids.

Make $1,000 in a month by writing about your lunch.

For bloggers, on-line ads beckon

Back in the day, I used to sometimes make as much as 5 cents/day!

Return to HNT

Back in my blogging prime, I used to participate in something called Half Nekkid Thursday. Then suddenly I gave it all up - all the comforts of a modern life. No more web sites, no more internet. I lived off the land. The earth was my bed. The sky, my blanket. I no longer got my pornography through a high speed cable line. It came from adult magazines and the lingerie section of JCPenneys catalogs, like in the old days.

But now I'm back! This week the Half Nekkid Thursdsay rules call for me to post my favorite entry of the year. But since I've been out of the loop for a while, so this is my favorite post of last year.

This Can't End Well

It's the gift that counts

Another Christmas is over and, while Santa continues to snub me because of that damn naughty/nice list, Girlfriend was very good to me. One of my gifts was a new digital camera. (I can finally throw away that Kodak Disc.)

I got Girlfriend a laptop computer. Now instead of being disgusted when I spend our 'alone' time watching free sample clips on barely legal sites, she can look at her own porn.



Two people got me shot glass sets. What do people think of me?

I bought myself a new home theater system. 'The Simpsons Movie' sounded great but, unfortunately 'Magnum P.I.' wasn't recorded in digital surround sound.

Shocking News: Raiders Fan Commits Crime

The upside to being the favorite football team of most of our country's criminals is all the free publicity.

Sexual Predator Caught On Surveillance Video

"Holy Irony, Batman!"

Roofing magnate dies in fall from roof

C'mon Lee Majors, You're Better Than This

I've never seen this movie. A country singer, mountain man, sheriff, witch and orphans? What the hell?

Scientists in Israel have a lot of free time

Israeli Scientists Create The World's Smallest Bible

Just another thing the United States is falling behind in. I once had a pocket-sized bible. But a bible on a pinhead? No way!

Doesn't look like anyone will be getting this in their stocking

Lynne Spears' book delayed indefinitely

You can take the girl out of the trailer park but...

...she'll still get knocked up.

Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister pregnant

Happy Birthday to the finest

All of Hollywood is surely celebrating today the birthdays of some of our finest actors of all time.

T.C. from 'Magnum P.I.' (68)
Brad Pitt (44)
Ray Liotta (52)
Katie Holmes (29)

We are the champions - my friends

This year's Arizona Cardinals had many doubters. When golden-boy QB Matt Leinart went down early in the season, fans couldn't jump off the bandwagon fast enough. But behind the mighty arm of 65-year-old quarterback Kurt Warner, the Cards averaged almost 1 win per week, and played all the way into December before being eliminated from the playoffs.

...We are the Champions, of the World!

A portion of the proceeds goes to Cerebral Palsy

Is it any wonder there is still no cure?

I make fun of crippled people

Why is it that I feel like I can make fun of the handicapped? Because I am one of them.

Just like Jewish people can make Jewish jokes and black people can safely use the 'n word', I can say whatever I want about crippleds -- as long as they are white Christians.

All my life, I have had Cerebral Palsy. From what I was told, during birth I became entangled in the umbilical cord and lost oxygen for a while. To this day, I hate umbilical cords and avoid them at all costs.

So for the first few years of my life I didn't move much. Wherever my parents put me, I stayed until they put me somewhere else. I finally learned how to walk in some form, at age 3: step-step-step-fall-step-step-step-fall. It's a method I perfected and continued throughout my life. And to make matters worse, I grew up in North Dakota where a patch of ice appears every few feet.


Being crippled isn't all that bad. When I went to college, I realized I was kind of like a superhero. My power: a handicapped parking pass. You would be amazed at how popular you are when it's -15 outside and you can park 10 feet from any door. Years later I would learn that I possessed several other powers like having the ability to get really good seats at concerts and being able to bypass long lines at airport security.

Now that I'm older, the physical difference between me and my friends isn't as noticeable. In high school, all my friends played basketball and baseball which, of course, I couldn't do. But now none of my friends do those things. They mainly sit on bar stools, downing beer after beer -- something I am quite good at.

To a girl?!

Backstreet Boy weds longtime girlfriend

High School Girls Have Never Been Bigger Whores

Teen Births Up For The First Time In 15 Years

Tough Decision

Wedding ring deflects bullet, saves life

Would I rather have a bullet in my chest or a ring on my finger?

Nooooo! Not Pimp C!

Rapper Pimp C found dead

If your name is Pimp C, assume you probably will die soon.

It wasn't a good week to be a former famous person

Quiet Riot Singer Kevin DuBrow Found Dead

Iconic daredevil Evel Knievel dies at 69


I like to think that God is making a reality show in heaven and was in need of some c-list celebs. Eric Estrada and Tootie from 'The Facts of Life' should be nervous.

Funny Picture; Not So Funny Story

Click here for story

You know god is kicking you in the ass...

...when you get paralyzed in a freak frisbee accident.

Happy Thanksgiving

What I am thankful for:

1. Once again, I'm thankful for another year without having any children or getting married. I am truly blessed.

2. This year I am thankful for my new 61" HDTV. Partnering with Dish Network, it provides endless entertainment in the form of satellite television and audio programming.

3. I am very thankful that I no longer drive this.

4. Thank you alcohol for solving more problems than you've caused over the years.

5. I am greatful for web site-creating programs Microsoft Frontpage and Macromedia Dreamweaver for allowing me to make money designing web sites, without having a clue of what I'm doing.

What I learned from watching '1408'

1408 synopsis: John Cusack wants to stay in a haunted hotel room. Samuel L. Jackson says no, don't stay in the haunted hotel room. John Cusack doesn't listen and checks into the room. Then the room tries to kill him.



Empty mini-bar: scary!



Whether you're in an evil possessed hotel room or just in an average room at a Holiday Inn, a black light passed over the bed will produce the same horrific results.

61 Inches of Pleasure

They say that money can't buy happiness. But money can buy a 61" HDTV and huge TVs make me happy.

Ensemble Cast

When you talk about a movie having a great ensemble cast, what do you think of? "A Few Good Men?" Sure, that had Tom Cruise, Demi Moore, Kevin Bacon and Jack Nicholson, but it's got nothing on "The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine."



Andrew Dice Clay
Wayne Newton
Priscilla Presley
Lauren Holly
Gilbert Gottfried
Robert Englund (Freddy)
Ed O'Neill
Vince Neil
Kurt Loder
Tone Loc

Taking the plunge...finally

Since I started this blog, there have been a lot of changes in my life. There have been new relationships and a new job. Some of these changes have taken me away from drunken nights in front of the computer.

A couple of months ago, I made, what may have been, the biggest change of my life. It was something I saw coming for a long time but just never committed to it.

I dropped cable TV and got Dish Network.

I now have a dish mounted on top of my condo that allows me to communicate with distant planets as well as watch endless Miami Vice and Magnum P.I. reruns. I also get NBATV so this winter, instead of watching the Timberwolves vs. New Orleans Hornets, I can watch the Celtics take on the Lakers in 1988.

You looking at me?

Offensive

A few years ago, I got a notice in the mail announcing that a sex offender had moved into my neighborhood. He didn't stick around long. I guess there wasn't enough hot 8-year-old tail in the area.

Now another sex offender has just moved in, right across the street. He's a creepy looking old guy too. Aren't there any attractive, female, 20-some-year-old sex offenders who prey on innocent 32-year-old victims?

Out of retirement

I had to come out of blogging retirement to make a quick comment on Brad Delp, the lead singer of Boston, who committed suicide by locking himself in his bathroom with two lit charcoal grills and breating in that mesquite flavored carbon monoxide.

Until this past week, I had no idea who the lead singer of Boston was. You would think he had a pretty good life. He sang songs for a living, probably mainly during the summer with REO Speedwagon, STYX and bands like that. He probably was a millionnaire.

Yet, in his suicide note, he said he had lost the desire to live. Like I said, I didn't know anything about Brad Delp, but what I did learn was that he was engaged to be married this summer.

So I am guessing that, given two choices: (1) to be a rock star, but a married rock star or; (2) to be dead, Mr. Delp chose death.

I'd probably make the same choice.

That's all for now.

Your friend, Wirthy - single and loving it.

About Friggin' Time!

Toddler's temper ousts family from plane

It's about time some of these damn families got kicked off a plane. Every single time I've flown, I've been stuck next to some screaming brat (with the exception of the times I am seated next to the smelly old person).

An experiment in drunkenness

Approximately one year ago, I came up with an ingenious idea. Whenever I drink a Miller Lite at my favorite bar, I would carefully remove the label from the bottle, roll it into a cone and put it in a shot glass that would be kept behind the bar for me.

Since last November nearly every Miller Lite I drank meant another label in the glass. At one point, I began letting a couple friends contribute to make up for the times I drank mixed drinks or was too drunk to peel the labels.

Oh, did I have fun: drink a beer, roll a label, drink another beer, roll another label...for an entire year. But as with all good things, it had to end. Collecting beer labels just wasn't as cool as it was back in June 2006.

So last night we dumped out the labels and tallied them up. I was hoping for some lofty number like 1,400. But just like in every other aspect of my life, I was disappointed. There was only 740.
Let the excuses begin: I drank a lot of mixed drinks; For a month or so, Miller Lite went to a football themed label that couldn't be removed; My liver started to hurt in September.

I will just have to be content with 740. It's not too bad, I guess.

In the end, what did I get for my efforts?

I received no acknowledgement or prizes. No accolades from Miller Lite. No praise from my family or friends.

Nope. After it all, I was left with just the personal satisfaction that, for over a year, I was thoroughly entertained by the stupidest goddamn thing.

'A Christmas Story' in 30 seconds, as re-enacted by bunnies

Whoopee! A Zeppelin

I also recommend 'Reservoir Dogs' in 30 seconds, as re-enacted by bunnies. Fuck you! I'm dying!

It's a Christmas Miracle!

It's 1992 all over again

A few weeks ago I discovered a couple of cable channels that I actually wasn't yet paying for so I added Game Show Network, some Oprah channel, Biography Channel, SOAP.net and - what has to be the best channel ever - VH1 Classic. Never before have I seen so many RATT videos.

SOAP.net is a complete waste of a channel except for "Beverly Hills 90210" reruns. Right now on a very special episode, Steve made Brandon a margarita with about 1 oz of tequila and now he is a full-blown alchoholic.

So now Luke Perry's character is telling Brandon to "lay off the liquid" and have some coffee.

Oh, oh. Now Brandon is behind the wheel and, yup, he done smashed into another vehicle. He is clearly inebriated as he has put down a couple of Ian Ziering's chracter's purple drinks.

Now Brandon's sister had to call her parents and give them the news that their son is in jail. The horror on their faces!

Cool now one of those GEICO commercials with the cavemen!

Ozzy & Shirley

A couple nights ago I was watching a bio on Laverne & Shirley on the Biography Channel, as I am sure many of you were. Maybe it's just me, but it looks like Penny Marshall has turned into Ozzy.

Mile High Club

'Mile High' venture takes romance to the next level

They ripped out some seats to make room for a mattress. For $750, you get 90 minutes of cruising to knock off a chunk.

What the hell would I do for the remaining 89 minutes, 16 seconds?

An amazing comeback

A little over a year ago this little device entered my life. For weeks, I enjoyed Egg McMuffin-type sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But, like many of my purchases (treadmill, George Foreman Grill, etc.), it eventually just gathered dust and went unused.

Today, however, the Egg & Muffin toaster made its triumphant return. Maybe I'll hit the treadmill this afternoon. But then I'd have to take all my jeans off of it. Where would I put them? I could hang them in my closet; put them on my bed; maybe the floor. Ah, screw it.

What if 'Office Space' was a horror movie?

Right now my beer is getting warm!

The power went out at the Wirthy compound this morning. My first thought was that it could have something to do with the stack of unpaid utility bills I am collecting. But the rest of the neighborhood was also without power too and I doubt the electric company would punish everyone because of my deliquency.

The real victims here are my poor beers that are getting warmer with every minute.

Doogie's GAY!

Doogie is out of the closet. I knew I was gay, for watching that show.

Drunken bar napkin art

This is how I want to go

Beer keg explosion kills 1 at party

You have to love the "classics"

Another great night on AMC - American Movie Classics:

10:30pm - 1:00am: Murder By Numbers. Another Sandra Bullock, Ryan Gossling classic.

1:00am - 3:00am: The Skulls II. At least the first one had Coach - Craig T. Nelson.

Finally my way of life is catching on

Marriage loses its edge

Next we'll be seeing headlines like:

"Most people binge drink, alone on the couch"
"Majority of Americans have gone decades without sex"
"Magnum P.I. reruns score big in ratings"
"Average penis size just under 2 inches"

Funny Picture, Not-So-Funny Story

Click picture for story

I will die before I run out of toothpicks

In my cupboard I have a box of 1,500 toothpicks. I think I bought these a year or so ago and am sure there are at least 1,495 toothpicks remaining.

When I die in a few years or so, someone will eventually find in my house my rotted corpse, a case of unused condoms, a few dozen get-in-free cards to local gentlemen clubs, and 1,390 toothpicks.

Bye Bye Girlfriend

Girlfriend is gone for 11 days. Tomorrow morning she is leaving on a family vacation.

Since no other girl ever shows even the slightest interest in me, girlfriend really has nothing to worry about. I'll probably just spend every night drinking alone...aaaahhh, sounds good to me.

There may be a God

All my life I've prayed to God for only three things: (1) A larger bladder-I am usually at a one-piss-per-beer ratio; (2) An NBA Championship for Charles Barkley; and (3) Egg McMuffins all day long.

McDonald's May Offer Breakfast Menu All Day Long

Thanks God! I have to take a leak now

Exclusive photo from Steve Irwin's funeral

Where are the toons now?

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite cartoon characters? Click here

I would sooooo bang Rudy Huxtable now

But I would have banged her then too. I'm sick like that.

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Because of a speeding ticket, I spent the last two nights in Defensive Driving class.

It had been many years since I've gone to this class, but a couple things are still the same: There were still a few assholes who insist on asking dozens of questions and slowing down the class. And the instructor still teases you with the chance of getting out early, only to let you leave a whopping five minutes early.

Anyway, here's some shit I learned:

• The mirrors on your door and on the inside of your windshield: If aimed properly, you can see what's going on behind you.
  
  
• If you hit a kid in a crosswalk, before the cops arrive, try to move the body just outside the crosswalk; the penalty is surprisingly lower.
  
  
• When stuck in a classroom in a strip mall for eight hours, girls who normally are 6's begin to look like 10's.
  
  
• The penalties for DUI are now so steep that you are better off trying to get away in a high speed chase.
  
  
• When an officer asks if you know why he pulled you over, respond: "Do you know who I am?" Then pretend you're someone really important.
  
  
• If you hit and kill a road worker in a posted construction zone, you will be prosecuted as if you killed two road workers.
  
  
• Most rules of the road can be ignored, if you have your hazard lights flashing.
  
  
• Drinking while you drive is illegal, even if you're only drinking beer. Amazing.
  
  
• If you are excessively speeding in a white Lamborghini and cops are chasing you, have some guys hose the white paint off, revealing that your Lamborghini is actually red. This will confuse the officers.
  
  
• The best defensive driving is good offensive driving.

What do you do...

...when you are a 23 year old, soon-to-be-starting quarterback in the NFL who just signed a megamillion dollar contract?

You get your ex-girlfriend knocked up a month ago. Get ready for that $20,000/month child support, dumb ass!

Tonight on Pay Per View

So many choices:

Uptown Hookers 6

Ghetto Girlz 3

All Aboard Alexis

Barbaric Bangers 3

Oriental Pleasure 4

Bulgarian Minxes 4

Wirthy.com resurrected

Damn kids these days have it easy

Dinky Pluto loses its status as planet

When I was a young school lad, I had to memorize the names of nine planets. There was Earth, Mercury, Mars, um, uh, mmm, and six others. Now these fucking brats only have to know eight planets.

The ups and downs of life

I've lost nearly all my regular readers. Down from a once mighty 212 visitors per day, I now average only 50.

Nothing sucks all the creativity out of a person like a full-time job. I now spend all my time working on my company's web site and no time on this site. And I get in trouble if I even put one picture of a drunken Lego guy on my company's site.

When I do have a single bit of free time, I'm either trying to balance my drunk ass on a bar stool or spending quality time with the girlfriend watching shit like this.

So, life's kind of been a rollercoaster lately. Lots of highs and lots of lows:

I turned 32 a couple of days ago. Another year older (low).

Another year closer to death (high).

I got my first speeding ticket in nearly 10 years (low).

I got 1 1/2 jobs (low).

I get 1 1/2 paychecks (high).

My 1 1/2 paychecks don't add up to most people's single paycheck (low).

Last night on "Happy Days," Fonzie injured himself in a motorcycle accident (low).

The morning after pill was OK'd for over-the-counter sales (high).

I splurged on an insanely expensive ($19.99) bottle of vodka (high).

Girlfriend drank all my $20 vodka (low).

I don't even remember how to do this

It's been a month since I've been here. What the hell has happened to me? I went from having 22 hours of free time a day to having two jobs and barely enough time to have two beers and a quick glance at some internet porn before going to bed.

I was a happy guy, putting in 4 hours of work a day, coming home by 3:30pm and drinking myself into a silly, drunken, stupid...um... stupor. Now I go to work at 6:30am, come home around 4:30pm, and work for another few hours - all for $21,500!

Anyway, let me catch you up on what I've been up to:

I lied and said I was a web site designer and got a job as a web site designer.

In two consecutive nights, I saw four hair bands in concert: Tesla, Poison, Cinderella and Skid Row.

I bought a treadmill.

As the result of a drunken houseboating accident, I now go to the chiropractor three times a week and spend most of my day with an ice pack on my back.

For the first time ever, a team I was rooting for won the NBA championship.

Found out I can hang 8 pair of jeans on my treadmill.

Got my condo painted.

No updates?

Where have I been for the last week or so? Well, let me tell you.

I got a new job. There are a lot of differences between this job and my old one - some good, some bad. One of the good things is the salary. I don't want to brag, but $7.43/hour is going to buy a lot of beer!

Unfortunately this new position has different job responsibilities - most of which involve actual work. Some things not in the job description are:

• Surfing internet porn
• Watching 80's sitcoms online
• Taking 2-hour liquid lunches
• Napping
• Posting useless crap on the internet
• Working from home on Fridays
• Arriving late
• Leaving early

While I used to have eight hours in the day to stare at the wall, waiting for a thought to enter my head, I now have to fit this into my evenings, which is when I usually like to get shit-faced.

How did my priorities get so out-of-whack?

This is one wise chick

CHOOSE TO BOOZE

Today in history

1825 - Walter Hunt patented the safety pin and then sold the rights for $400. That's gotta at least be a billion dollar industry, right?

1994 - O.J. Simpson was questioned by Los Angeles police concerning the deaths of his ex-wife and her friend, Ronald Goldman.

In case you care, these bitches turn 20 today:

Van Halen fans: you might want to skip this

Check out David Lee Roth on Leno last night

Things haven't gone so well for principals from 80's movies

I recently learned that the principal from "The Breakfast Club" died.

'Breakfast Club' actor Gleason dead at 67

And a few years ago, the principal from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was accused of hiring a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photographs.

Click here for his Florida Sex Offender registration

Gone to the lake for the week

Hey, I'm short too!

Judge: Vertically-challenged child molester wouldn't survive prison

This guy avoided prison for sexually assaulting a kid because he is only 5' 1". I'm only about six inches taller. I should at least be able to get away with armed robbery or indecent exposure.

Early morning question

I am sitting in my office, looking out the window at the parking lot where a vehicle's alarm is going off. Why do we say car alarms "go off" when they are not "off," they are "on." Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that car alarms "go on?"

Wow, I am really coming through with some quality, entertaining entries lately!

Was the world really asking for this show?

True Hollywood Story: Charles In Charge

Nevertheless, for an hour last night I parked my ass in front of the TV and guzzled whiskey while learning all about this 80's classic.

After the booze haze cleared, here's what I remember:

Willie Aames' career eventually led him to becoming Bibleman - a human transformed by the word of God who fights injustice with, what else, the word of God.

At his first trip to the Playboy Mansion, Scott Baio was awestruck for 20 minutes before taking off his pants.

Nicole Eggert was nearly left paralyzed from a snowmobile accident. She got boob implants and then had them removed.

Half-way through the show, a bug landed in my whiskey glass and drowned. That's the way I want to go.

The younger uglier girl, Josie Davis, went from this to this.

Scott Baio never banged Nicole Eggert. He said they "hung out" after the show ended but that's all. Sure, Chachi. Whatever you say.

Josie Davis' first kiss was with Paul Walker who did an episode of Charles before becoming super famous with those Fast and Furious movies.

Today in history

1959 - Bronson Pinchot was born. Happy birthday Balki!

I'm a sell out

According to this site, my domain wirthy.com is worth $23,814.00.

I'm feeling generous, so I'm willing to let it go for $20,000. Any takers?

This is the best story I've read in a while

McCartney may lose quarter of fortune in divorce

Dumb ass!

This article from 2002 reports that McCartney's kids "were upset about the wedding, believing Mills was latching on to their dad's money and fame."

This is why I'll never marry. NOBODY is taken a quarter of my fortune! I'll be damned if I'm going to give some woman $936.21.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image for story

(archive)

Today in history

1914 - The American Horseshoe Pitchers Association (AHPA) was formed in Kansas City.

The Bible Code

This weekend I watched an interesting show on A&E about how the Bible may contain codes and secrets that predict the future. So I decided to look into this further. I got out my Bible (yeah, like I own one) and was startled at what I found when I closely examined some verses.


Isaiah 56:1
Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed. The December 4th, 1999 Powerball numbers will be 5-22-25-36-38, 37.


Exodus 32:29
For Moses had said, Consecrate yourselves to day to the LORD, even every man upon his son, and upon his brother; that he may bestow upon you a blessing this day. Beware the Heisman winner - the one they call "The Juice."


Genesis 2:4
These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens. Take comfort, all you gay cowboys. Someday you will be very popular.


Exodus 34:5
And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. Do not buy the Betamax machine. Go with the VHS instead.


Exodus 32:30
And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses said unto the people, Ye have sinned a great sin: and now I will go up unto the LORD; peradventure I shall make an atonement for your sin. Despite the "Look Who's Talking" movies, John Travolta, your career will soon improve.


Ezekial 20:19
I am the LORD your God; walk in my statutes, and keep my judgments, and do them; The Portland Trailblazers will regret drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in the 1984 NBA draft.


Numbers 14:28
Say unto them, As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you. David Spade, don't expect to ride that Chris Farley gravy train forever.


Jeremiah 4:10
Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! surely thou hast greatly deceived this people and Jerusalem, saying, Ye shall have peace; whereas the sword reacheth unto the soul. In the eighth month, of the year 1974, a great drunk will be born.

Eighth month...1974? Hey! That's when I was born.

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click picture for story

(archive)

These damn brats have it made

Round-The-Clock Baby TV Channel to Debut

When I was a kid, you watched Mannix and The Rockford Files, and you liked it!

Funny Picture/Not-So-Funny Story

Click image for story

(archive)

My new diet

Somehow I managed to go the entire day yesterday eating only a chocolate chip cookie. To keep my calorie content up, I had seven beers.

Damn, there goes another one of my brilliant ideas

Lawnmower driver charged with DUI

Damn! The years have not been kind.

‘World’s oldest person’ turns 128

She spends most of her time dozing. Sounds like a lot of 30-some-year-olds I know.