Please consider me for Pope

Dear Vatican Human Resources Director:

I am writing to express my interest in the position of Pope, which I understand will soon become available. I believe my education and experience make me a suitable candidate for the position.

I have a bachelors of arts degree in communications and a minor in psychology. I can type 80 words per minute and am proficient with computers and most popular software applications. I consider myself a team player and people person.

My Catholic upbringing and religious background should allow me to fit in at the Vatican immediately. I have completed 12 years of catechism and of the 10 Commandments, I've only broken the trivial ones.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss my background and qualifications in more detail. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Michael Wirth

No More News

Drunken Interpretation of Overly-Simplistic Song Lyrics

Artist: Twisted Sister
Album: Stay Hungry
Title: I Wanna Rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANT TO ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

TURN IT DOWN YOU SAY,
WELL ALL I GOT TO SAY TO YOU IS TIME AND TIME AGAIN I SAY, "NO!"
NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

You tell Dee Snider to turn down his music, he'll refuse.

TELL ME NOT TO PLAY
WELL, ALL I GOT TO SAY TO YOU WHEN YOU TELL ME NOT TO PLAY,
I SAY, "NO!"
NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

If you tell Dee Snider not to play his music, he'll say no repeatedly to you.

SO, IF YOU ASK ME WHY I LIKE THE WAY I PLAY IT
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING I CAN SAY TO YOU

Go ahead, ask Dee Snider why he likes to play music. You'll get only one response.

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANT TO ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

THERE'S A FEELIN' THAT
I GET FROM NOTHIN' ELSE AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' IN THE WORLD
THAT MAKES ME GO!
GO! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

Nothing gets Dee Snider more excited than rocking.

TURN THE POWER UP
I'VE WAITED FOR SO LONG SO I COULD HEAR MY FAVORITE SONG SO,
LET'S GO!
GO! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

Dee Snider has been waiting for a while to hear his favorite song, so turn the volume up.

WHEN IT'S LIKE THIS I FEEL THE MUSIC SHOOTIN' THROUGH ME
THERE'S NOTHIN' ELSE THAT I WOULD RATHER DO

When Dee Snider feels the music, there's nothing he would rather do than rock.

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANT TO ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANT TO ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANNA ROCK

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANT TO ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK! (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANT TO ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)

Dee Snider wants to rock

ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)

I WANNA ROCK

Dee Snider wants to rock

Wanna see Alyssa Milano naked?

Well then click here

Just me and my bottle

Aaaahhh...a night alone with my booze.

Oh how I miss my pathetic lonely life - when I used to come home from a tough five hours at the office, curl up with a bottle (8 bottles) of beer and pass out watching "MTV Cribs" and "Magnum P.I."

So far I've seen Hulk Hogan's and Alanis Morissette's cribs.

"Magnum P.I." is on in four minutes. It's the one with Rick and A.J. from "Simon & Simon," and a somewhat-youthful Morgan Fairchild.

15 seconds of fame

First Terri Schiavo, now the Pope; this has been a big year for the feeding tube.

Enjoy the limelight my nutrient-providing little buddy because it doesn't last forever - ask the iron lung, lobotomies and Arsenio Hall.

Ok, so now I know this doesn't work

Man tries to fool breathalyzer with feces in mouth

Drunken thoughts on Terri Shiavo

I'm sure you've been waiting to hear my thoughts on Terri Shiavo. Here's what I think of the case: I don't care one damn bit about it. The only people who should care are the family members.

Who are these wack jobs who are keeping vigils and protesting? Where do they find the time? I work about 30 hours/week and spend an additional 25 hours/week drinking. That adds up to 1 total week. Where would I find time to care about someone I don't know?

I only care about the well-being of my family and friends and, of course, celebrities.

It's no longer safe for black people to commit murder

Famed attorney Johnnie Cochran dead at 67

Yeah, that seems fair

Cheating wife gets millions in divorce

Drunken Sunday Night Post

I came home from Easter festivities at some friends and "reclinered up" with the remainder of a bottle of merlot. I turn on some Kurt Russel movie and proceeded to pass out. My girlfriend called when she got off of work around 9:30pm. I told her I was going to bed early since I was basically sleeping already. How is it that I didn't spill the glass of wine that was balanced on my chest?

I did not go to sleep, however. Talking on the phone for a few minutes gave me my second wind and I finished my bottle of wine and my movie "Dark Blue" (the aforementioned Kurt Russel flick).

So, it's over an hour later and I've moved from $4 merlot to Seagrams 7 and 7-Up. I'm currently catching the end of "Lethal Weapon 3." Does Mel Gibson do that thing where he throws his shoulder out and then resets it by slamming it into a wall in every movie in the series?

Easter Message

On this holiest of days, I opened my e-mail inbox to find a handful of new messages. Among them: a couple of mortgage offers, and e-mails from my mother and a friend.

My mom's e-mail was an Easter e-card featuring a biblical message about Jesus rising from the dead. The e-mail from my friend contained a short video of a young woman inserting and removing an absurdly long dildo from a very private area.

Here they were: two different e-mails from different origins, with very different subject matters, residing happily next to each other in my inbox. That is my message to everyone today: no matter our differences, whether we are fans of Jesus or fans of extreme pornography, or whether we are offering one-time-only low mortgage rates, we can all live together in peace and harmony.

Who knew Pat O'Brien was so romantic?

Click here and then click on WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Just 'cause there was no drunken post last night doesn't mean I wasn't drunk

I was definitely drunk. I got home from the bar around 11:30pm. Then why didn't I get into my house till 1:00am? The answer: I fell asleep in my car, in my garage again. While this may sound like a suicide attempt, it isn't. I usually remember to shut the engine off. I just need to rest a little to get the energy to walk from my garage to my bedroom - it is like 20 feet.

Does he want his kid to get his ass kicked?

Here's proof that, while anyone can have a kid, not everyone should be allowed to name their kid.

KORN ROCKER A DAD AGAIN (from contactmusic.com)

KORN rocker JONATHAN DAVIS and his wife DEVEN have become the parents of a baby boy - and they've named him PIRATE.

Davis and his spouse of two years welcomed their first child together into the world on 18 March (05).

Davis also has a nine-year-old son called NATHAN with ex-wife RENEE PEREZ.

No-Work-Friday

Sweet - today is No-Work-Friday! Normally right now I'd be sitting at my computer, drinking coffee, while surfing the web. But today I'm sitting at my computer, drinking coffee, surfing the web, while watching The Price Is Right.

A Kenwood 5-speaker surround sound system and everyone bids over $1,000...morons. Even with The Price is Right overpricing their crap, that thing ain't worth anywhere close to that. Everyone's over...gotta re-bid.

Holy crap! Some lady bid $800 and got it exactly right (it's really probably worth about $500)! She wins a $100 bonus for guessing the exact price. Remember when the women would have to reach into Bob Barker's pocket to get the money? Now he just hands it to him. Stupid sexual harassment crap is ruining all Bob's fun. Anyway the lady now gets to play for a Chevy Aveo which is worth about $800.

Drunken Interpretation of Overly-Simplistic Song Lyrics

Artist: Motley Crue
Album: Dr. Feelgood
Title: She Goes Down

Little Miss Muffet
Sweet girl's school stuff and
A country smile and charm
Out in the back
Of my '58 Chevy
She said she'd do me no harm

An innocent school girl takes Vince Neil out to his car and promises to not hurt him.

You know she makes me feel good
Just like a bad girl should

She pleased Vince like a naughty sexy girl.

(Chorus)
She goes down
She goes down
She goes down
Down, down, down
All night long
She goes down
She goes down
Down, down, down

She performs oral sex throughout the entire night.

Sassy little lassie
Walking right past me
Down in Tennessee
Always a lady
I love Southern ladies
They just know how to please

An assertive girl walked by Vince, who, for some reason, is in Tennessee.
Vince likes how girls from the south make him feel.

It's like connecting the dots
Start at the bottom, lick it to the top

She starts licking Vince's unit at the bottom, continuing to the top.

(Chorus)

You know she makes me feel good
Everyday, any way
She goes down
All night long
She goes down
She goes down
Down, down, down

This girl continues performing oral sex on Vince on a daily basis.

All of the day
All of the night
Lick those lips
Do you up right
Up and down
Round and round
Round the world
Scream it out

She licks her lips and then goes town with the oral sex. I always thought the last line of this verse was "spit it out." That would really have made more sense.

You know she makes me feel good
C'ya out in Hollywood

This girl was so good at her oral sex that she'll eventually make it to Hollywood.

(Solo)

Flat on my back she goes down
For backstage pass, she goes down
With all of my friends, she goes down
She gives heart attack, she goes...

She gives oral to Vince while he lies on his back.
She gives oral for a backstage pass to a Motley Crue show, or maybe a Vince Neil solo concert, although that's highly unlikely.
Her oral sex could actually cause cardiac arrest.

(Chorus)

Another baby

I just learned that another one of the good-looking women in my office went out and got herself knocked up. Now it'll be nearly a year before she gets herself back into shape.

When we order paper, we don't f#@k around

Damn it!

FHM just released its 2005 list of women that will never have sex with me.

Jolie sizzles atop 'FHM' sexiest list

My Living Will

I, Wirthy, am of sound mind, and I voluntarily declare that, should I become incapacitated and unable to take part in decisions regarding my medical care, I intend this declaration to be honored as the expression of my legal right to consent to or refuse medical treatment.

It is my desire that any and all medical treatment available should be used to sustain my life. If, to sustain life, a feeding tube is required, I request the following:

Mondays
Breakfast - 9:00am; Egg McMuffin, hash browns (liquefied), black coffee
Lunch - 12:30pm; turkey sandwich (liquefied)
Dinner - 7:00pm; fish sticks (liquefied)

Tuesdays
Breakfast - 9:00am; McGriddle (liquefied), orange juice
Lunch - 12:30pm; grilled cheese with ham (liquefied), Mt. Dew with crushed ice
Dinner - 6:00pm; Tombstone pepperoni pizza (liquefied), 3 Miller Lites

Wednesdays
Breakfast - 9:00am; 2 eggs over medium, 2 slices white toast, 3 strips bacon (liquefied)
Lunch - 1:00pm; Jack In The Box Ham & Turkey Pannido (liquefied), large Coke
Dinner - 7:00pm; steak sandwich (liquefied)
Cocktails - 8:30pm; 4 Miller Lites, 2 vodka Red Bulls

Thursdays
No Breakfast
Lunch - 11:30am; egg salad sandwich (liquefied)
Happy Hour - 5:00pm; 6 Miller Lites, shrimp cocktail (liquefied)
Dinner - 7:30pm; 1 lb crab legs from Outback (remove shell and liquefy)

Fridays
Breakfast - 10:00am; 2 Strawberry Frosted Pop Tarts (liquefied), can of Coke
Lunch - 1:30pm; 2 Arby's Roast Beefs (liquefied)
Happy Hour - 4:00pm; 2 vodka Red Bulls, 3 Miller Lites
Cocktails - 7:00pm; 3 vodka Red Bulls, 6 Miller Lites

Saturdays
No Breakfast
No Lunch
Dinner - 6:00pm; beef lo mein (liquefied)
Cocktails - 8:00pm; 9 Miller Lites

Sundays
Brunch - 10:30am; Denny's Country Scramble (liquefied), black coffee
Happy Hour - 4:00pm; 4 Miller Lites
Dinner - 7:30pm; T-bone steak (medium and liquefied)

School Killer's Animated Terror

Minnesota teen posted bloody Flash film late last year

Drunken Thoughts on VH1s Most Awesomely Bad Love Songs

I got home from the bar in time to catch the top ten songs on VH1 Most 50 Awesomely Bad Love Songs.

#10 "I'll Make Love to You" - Boys to Men
I remember listening to this song in my college dorm, while I was all by myself. I think one of the "Boy's" name was Alexander Vanderpool, or something like that. I thought that was cool.

#9 "Hold on to the Night" - Richard Marx
Believe it or not (and if you know me, you believe it), I just loaded this song on my iPod a few weeks ago, along with "Endless Summer Nights". Damn, Richard's gotta kickin' mullet!

#8 "I Need A Girl (Part 1 )" - P. Diddy & Usher
What the hell is this? I've never heard this song before. Doesn't VH1 know that black people don't watch VH1?

The "celebrities" VH1 has on this countdown show...I haven't heard of many of them. Ethan Zohn and Jenna Morasca - who the hell are they? Oh, Survivor All-Stars. Still...who the hell are they?

#7 "Love Somebody" - Rick Springfield
Remember when he was known as Rick Cougar Springfield?
I'm not real familiar with this song. It might be before my time.

#6 "Key Largo" - Bertie Higgins
What the F? I've neither heard of this song or this artist. Oh, wait...they're playing it right now. I have heard this song! I have! Maybe once or twice.

[commercial break: time to "relieve myself" and grab another beer. Coming up: Michael Bolton and Color me Bad (did they spell bad with two d's?)

#5 "How Can We Be Lovers" - Michael Bolton
"How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" That answer doesn't seem so difficult. Actually I did have a Michael Bolton CD - Soul Provider...You may remember the hit "How am I Supposed to Live Without You."

#4 "Tonight I Celebrate My Love" - Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack
From the video, they kind of look like Dionne Warwick and Lionel Richie.

#3 "I Adore Mi Amor" - Color Me Badd
I knew they spelled bad with two d's! I knew it! I knew it!
Somehow these guys were supposed to be a hot boy band even though half of the group had receding hair lines and kind of looked like Kenny G. Holy shit - one of the VH1 guys just said the same Kenny G. line! I remember this song being pretty big toward the end of my high school years.

#2 "Even the Nights are Better" - Air Supply
Now I'm going to take a little offense to this song being on the list. Not only do I have numerous Air Supply songs on my iPod, I've also seen them live in concert at my local casino. And I've made love out of nothing at all.

#1 Truly - Lionel Richie
You know, I don't have much to say about this song, and "Hotel Erotica 3: Bedroom Fantasies" is just starting on Cinemax.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie

I just watched the episode of "Late Show with David Letterman" that originally aired February 18th and featured Charlie Sheen as a guest. Below is a transcript of a segment of Dave's interview with Charlie:

Dave: "Your life must be tremendous. Is everything going well for you?"

Charlie: "Everything's going great, yeah. In fact, it's my wife's birthday today."

Dave: "Wonderful, that's very nice. Happy birthday."

Charlie: "Happy birthday, honey. I love you. Sorry I'm not there."

I guess it would have been awkward for Sheen and wife, Denise Richards, to spend her birthday together, since she was preparing to file for divorce 12 days later.

I'll be fired very soon

Like it's not bad enough that I spend my work day updating this site, I now post pictures of my boss.


Boss-man sleeping in my office*

*Since he bought the couch and pays the rent, technically could be referred to as his office

If I had a TV show, this would be my theme song

First Drink of the Day

Funny stuff from rathergood.com.

Take that Mesa AZ School Teachers!!

I just learned that my office will be closed Friday to commemorate the day Jesus got crucified for my sins. According to the Mesa Public School calendar you (surprisingly) DON'T get that day off. So while you're toiling away from 8:30am - 2:30pm, I'll be hoisting a few to my good buddy, Jesus.

Would you like my PIN?

I just received an e-mail that appears to be from ebay thanking me for submitting request information about my account. Hmmm...don't remember doing this, but let's keep reading.

Apparently the ATM PIN number I provided does not match the one in their records and they need me to provide my personal info and my correct PIN. This all seems very legitimate.

A link takes me to a page on groovyshades.com. Now that site looks a little strange (with all the mexican cocksucker stuff) but the page I'm directed to looks and smells like ebay so I'm sure it's ok.

Here we go...

typing...typing...account number...typing...PIN....enter

Hey, someone just took all the money out of my bank account!!!!!

House or Junkyard?

Just the fact that this sign is outside your house means you probably live in a shitty house.

Sorry Tawny, nobody is waiting for you anymore

DAVID COVERDALE's Ex-Wife Offers Advice On How To Land Rock-Star Boyfriend
(from blabbermouth.net)

ContactMusic.com is reporting that model and actress Tawny Kitaen has useful advice for women hoping to land rocker boyfriends — make them wait for a few months before giving them sex.

Kitaen, whose former beaus and/or husbands include Tommy Lee (MÖTLEY CRÜE), Robbin Crosby (RATT) and David Coverdale (WHITESNAKE), has found that making each man wait is a sure way of keeping them interested.

She tells Blender magazine, "I made David Coverdale wait about three months. I made Tommy Lee wait about four weeks. That's quick for me!

"Look, the way you get these guys is, you don't sleep with them. The girls that give it up quickly are called groupies."

In the same interview, Kitaen reveals that former VAN HALEN frontman David Lee Roth often made her carry his drugs whenever he was travelling.

She tells Blender, "I dated VAN HALEN's manager, and we'd go to the Bahamas with David Lee Roth. If he had to travel with any narcotics, he'd shove it in my bag.

"We'd get in a car and drive David down Sunset Boulevard, looking for hookers, and then he'd bring 'em back to our house while I laid in my bedroom crying. 'I can't believe we have a hooker in the house!'"


Tawny then


Tawny now

Drunken movie review

If you ever find yourself in the position where a guy has a gun to your head and forces you to choose between being shot or watching "The Whole Ten Yards," take the bullet, because after you see the movie, you'll want the bullet and that guy might not be around.


2004 Comedy
Bruce Willis, Chandler from "Friends"

It's Tax Time

Why wait till the last second to do your taxes? Have them prepared here quickly, easily and for free.

Wirthy.com Tax Preparation

Wayback Machine

This is a cool site. Type in any web site and see what it looked like a long long time ago. (I got this from another web log but can't find it anymore. but thanks.))

Click here for WayBackMachine

In honor or Holy Week

What is Wirthyology?

Guns 'N Roses

Interesting GNR article. Thanks kottke.org.

The Most Expensive Album Never Made

Another thought on marriage

Neil McCauley provides another good reason to not get married. Who is Neil McCauley? He's the guy that Robert De Niro plays on 1995 crime movie "Heat."

"You wanna be makin moves on the street, have no attachments, allow nothing to be in your life that you cannot walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner."
--Neil McCauley

I'm not quite sure what the "heat" is but I ain't taking any chances.

My thoughts exactly

Rod Stewart's quote on marriage.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and buy her a house."
-Rod Stewart

He obviously doesn't listen to his own advice since he just got engaged.

It can happen anywhere

Eight Said Killed in Minnesota School Shooting

Sometimes the signs are obvious

If this is your purse, you may have some dependency issues.

If you can't beat them...

I just heard that my brother, who is a North Dakota high school teacher, gets a five-day weekend for Easter. Five days!!! Friday! Saturday! Sunday! Monday! Tuesday? Yes, Tuesday!

Where do I sign up?

Winners & Losers of the Week

Winners

Robert Blake
So he had to spend a year in jail and millions of dollars on lawyers - big deal. He emerged a free man with no wife: it had to be worth it.

School Teachers
No grown-up person should get a spring break. But you gotta give these teachers credit: just like 14-year-olds, they got the week off.


Losers

Scott Peterson
The death penalty? Boy are O.J. and Robert Blake laughing at you.

The lady bug walking across my patio
Oops...you're squished.

Ashton Kutcher
It's rumored that he and Demi Moore are expecting a child. Whether it's true or not, why would he even be thinking of f'ing up a good thing by having a kid?

No kid is worth $5 million

I think that was this guy's big mistake. He should have just planned to demand a couple grand.

Montana man charged with Letterman plot

Smoking & Driving

I don't understand smokers when I see them driving on the freeway. Why do they crack their windows and hang their cigaretters outside? They're smokers but they don' like the smell of smoke?

And when they're finished, why do they throw their cigarettes out the window? I don't throw my beer bottles out on the street.

It's Beer:30

I am kind of like Popeye: when I drink alcohol, I immediately become way funnier. I know he eats spinnach and becomes stronger, but you get the idea.

It's beer:30 - time to drink!

McFly!!!

Car Developer John DeLorean Dies at 80

Why doesn't Marty McFly go back in time and save him?

How dare you?

Check out The G-Spot Cabaret's web site (www.azgspot.com). They think they can say F*@K CHRISTIES? While I've never been to the G-Spot, by the looks of the club, I'd say Christies has nothing to worry about

Drünken thöughts ön the Mötley Crüe cöncert

I just got home from the Mötley Crüe concert. Since I heard the f-word so many times tonight, I'll use it here more than I usually do.

I met John Erickson at Alice Cooperstown for some pre-show cocktails. I sure hate fücking downtown. The only handicap parking is in the pay lots, so I gotta drop $8 to fücking park a block away from where I want to go. While circling the neighborhood for the better parking space I never found, a man approached my car and said he was $4 short to buy a pack of Marlboros. How much does a pack of cigarettes cost? Isn't it something like $4? Why not just say "I got no money and want cigarettes?" I decided to teach this guy a life lesson and give him nothing.

After drinking at Cooperstown for a while, we left for the show, thinking it started at 7:00pm. But I fücked up: it started at 8:00pm. We found a shithole near the pavilion to drink at and kill the extra time before going to the concert.

It's nice to see a fücking show that provides entertainment that's not PG-rated and family oriented for a change. Apparently some people thought the Crüe was going to put on a family show 'cause I saw one couple pushing a baby in a stroller. What the fück - couldn't they have left the kid in the car? It's not August; he'd be fine.

This was one long fücking show: nearly three hours with a 10-minute intermission. With no opening act, the show started with a claymation movie featuring the band.

They opened with "Shout at the Devil." The first half was mainly made up of older songs. After the intermission, they played newer stuff, which was still 15 years old.

Tommy Lee comes out from behind his drum kit and grabs a video camera, which he called his favorite toy: the titty cam. Simple concept here: he points the camera at girl in the crowd and she whips out her titties for everyone to see on the projection screen at the back of the stage. I wonder if this would work for me at my house.

Outside the pavilion, where everyone was exiting the parking lot, was a group six or seven guys with a big sign about religion or church or something. One of the guys had a megaphone and was chastizing Crüe fans, telling them they need to find god and shit like that. Great idea genius: piss off a bunch of drunk head-bangers. Yup, there it is, you getting your ass kicked.

Don't go away mad, just go away

Tonight I rock Motley Crue style. The concert doesn't start for over 4 hours but I'm heading downtown now. That can't be a good sign.

If anyone sees a slightly crippled guy laying on the ground at Cricket Pavilion tonight, please pick me up.

Bad news for anyone on wirthy.com

Mindi it doesn't look like you'll ever be able to get a job now.

Seekers of jobs getting 'googled'

Back to old times

It's been a while since I've had one of my old-fashioned-getting-drunk-all-by-myself nights. Between roommates, girlfriends and a busy work schedule, I've had no time to myself. Well now I'm all alone with a bottle of champagne and a bag of corn nuts. Nice.

The corporate life

As the day progresses, certain aspects of Work-From-Home-Friday change:

The living room becomes the patio
Coffee becomes beer
Replying to e-mails becomes surfing for porn

Will this day ever end! Hey, is that an NCAA game on TV?

Some love animals and some LOVE animals

Man says he had sex with dogs for their own sake

Taking a chance on Lo Mein

How long can one leave leftover Chinese food in a car and still safely eat it the next day? I hope the answer is somewhere near five hours, because it's too late to undo the damage now.

Only time will tell if I made the right decision.

St. Patrick's Day Wrap Up

A little history: St. Patrick was born near the end of the fourth century in Britain. Early in his life he took a liking to green beer and drank it constantly throughout his life.





It's shot time!


Go Kim Go!

Fun with cups

Work From Home Friday

It's 7:00am.
I got Howard Stern on the iPod.
The Dunkin Donuts coffee is hot.
The couch is comfy.

Gotta love work-from-home-Friday!


Work From Home Friday

To kill your wife or not to kill your wife

That is the question.

O.J. Simpson - not guilty
Scott Peterson - guilty
Robert Blake - not guilty

Using those three high-profile cases as a barometer, it seems that 66% of the time, it would a good idea to kill your wife.

If you decide to go this route, here's a few tips that may help you out.

What to do:

Say things that you would never say if you were truly guilty. Robert Blake claims that his wife was shot in his car while he was fetching his gun. Brilliant!

Make sure your wife comes off as a really annoying, manipulative bitch.

If you can afford to assemble a legal dream team of the most expensive, high-powered lawyers in the country, that would probably be a good idea.

Drown her in your swimming pool. Did anyone really ever investigate William Shatner for that?

What not to do:

As police are preparing to arrest you, don't get caught attempting to flee the country with a bunch of cash and your hair died a different color.

Make sure your wife doesn't come off as sweet and adorable. Oh yeah - don't make her pregnant before killing her.

Don't try to hire hitmen to knock off your wife. The prosecution will probably call them as witnesses. Robert Blake did it and he got off, but I just can't see that working out every time.

While police are still investigating your wife's murder, take a little time off from your mistress.

Mmmm...green beer!

Why I use a laptop

No kids for me!!

Laptop computers lower sperm counts and increase infertility risk for men

Drunken thoughts on "Hoosiers"

In Hickory's first game of the season against Oolitic, coach Norman Dale (Gene Hackman) often yells out "four passes," indicating that his team is to not take any shots until they've passed four times. What the hell kind of coaching is that? Are they supposed to ignore an open shot if they haven't passed four times yet? And I'm sure the defense likes knowing they don't have to worry about defending a shot until after the fourth pass.

Some guys have all the luck

All the luck:

O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake

None of the luck:

Scott Peterson

Disney names new CEO, snubs Donald Duck

Walt Disney Co.'s board has named company president Robert Iger to succeed Michael Eisner as chief executive of the film, television and theme park company, effective September 30, 2005.

Although Iger was the frontrunner in the race, not everyone in the organization is happy with the decision.

“This is bull shit,” said Donald Duck. “I’ve been with this company for over 70 years and I’m still in this fucking mid-level position.”

Duck’s profanity-laced tirade near Disneyland's King Arthur Carrousel was overhead by dozens of the park's visitors Sunday.

Duck, who has appeared in over 130 cartoons since joining Disney in 1934, has long wanted to retire from his entertainment duties and take an executive role in the company.

“You know, I understand I ain’t the mouse (Mickey),” said Duck. “But, goddamnit, give me the respect I deserve! Even fucking Goofy has an office!”

Duck was also angered in 1984 when Eisner was appointed CEO but was appeased when Disney offered him full dental and vision coverage.

In a press conference Tuesday, Duck said his relationship with Disney is up in the air, but he did not reveal any specific future plans. It is rumored that nearby SeaWorld is offering Duck a seven-figure, multi-year deal to join their organization.


A lawyer escorts Donald Duck from his Los Angeles office following the press conference

And the Moron Award goes to...

Tipsy driver cited for DWI
By Amy Dalrymple
The Forum - 03/15/2005

An Argusville, N.D., man charged with drunken driving may have tipped off police to his condition.

His license plate reads "TIPSY."

Josiah Richard Johnson, 23, faces two charges of third-degree DWI after a Clay County deputy stopped him about 2 a.m. Friday in Moorhead.

Johnson, who bailed out of the Clay County Jail Monday, said he bought the personalized plate for a Jeep but kept it because he likes to party.

"It doesn t mean I drink and drive," he said. "It just means I have a good time."

That night, however, Johnson was at Coach s Sports Pub in Moorhead and his designated driver didn t stay sober, Johnson said.

Because he had to work in the morning, Johnson said he left the bar and drove toward his friend s Fargo apartment, where he was staying.

Johnson said he thought he was sober enough to drive, but Deputy Mark Empting thought otherwise.

Court records say:

As Johnson drove south on Eighth Street, his Chevy Silverado pickup crossed the center line and later followed a vehicle too closely.

After stopping Johnson, Empting noticed the man s eyes were bloodshot and watery and his speech was slurred.

He had a blood alcohol concentration of 0.20 percent, twice the state s legal limit.

Johnson wonders if the deputy stopped him because of his license plate.

"I kind of felt like I was being harassed," he said.

Empting could not be reached Monday. Lt. Jerome Thorsen said he could not comment on an open case.

Originally, Johnson said he got the personalized plate about 11/2 years ago for his Jeep because it described how the vehicle rode.

When he got a Chevy Silverado pickup, he kept tipsy on his plate as a joke because he likes to have a good time, he said.

Johnson pleaded guilty in Cass County District Court to a misdemeanor charge of driving a snowmobile under the influence on Dec. 26, court records say.

He ll appear in court for the Clay County charges on March 22. Johnson said he will never drink and drive again.

"I feel really stupid," he said. "I wish I never did it."

Why I don't mess with teenagers

Yesterday a teenage girl across the street was apparently angry with her boyfriend.

"Fuck this...fuck that...fuck you!" she yelled into her cell phone from her front yard. Minutes later her boyfriend squealed around the corner in his car. After being yelled at for 20 minutes, he sped off with the stereo blasting.

I'm sure everyone calmed down and all is well again. Or is it...

Something was different about her house this morning; can't quite put my finger on it.

Hey, I know this guy

Rock Critic (from North Dakota) Could Have Role In MÖTLEY CRÜE Flick

People are finally coming around

A very big celebrity has joined me with my anti-marriage views. This is the one of the most well-known, biggest, A-list celebrities in the entire world. Click here.

More ND drinking coverage

N.D. Officials Fighting Binge Drinking

The best part of the story is where someone says the reason ND has a low crime rate is because people are too drunk to fight.

Damn, all the good ideas are taken!

This rabbit is going to die. Read about his story here.



I'm going to give this a try. Unless I raise $1,200 by June 5th, I will kill this person:

Even I've never been this desparate

This guy has obviously never been to North Dakota in the winter.

Man loses finger in quest for girlfriend

Men's biological clock...whatever

I smashed my biological clock years ago.

Men worry about their own biological clocks

The Rape Channel

What the hell is going on with The Lifetime Channel. Here are some of the movies it is showing this weekend:

"Sins of Silence"
1995 drama starring Lindsay Wagner and Holly Marie Combs
A former nun goes to jail to protect a young rape victim.

"Complex of Fear"
1993 suspense starring Hart Bochner and Chelsea Fields
A serial rapist terrorizes condominium residents.

"A Mother's Justice"
1991 drama starring Merdith Baxter and Carrie Hamilton
A mother starts a quest for her daughter's rapist.

"Silencing Mary"
1990 drama starring Melissa Joan Hart and Corin Nemec
A college freshman seeks justice after her roommate's rape.

Karma

This afternoon, while walking to my car in the Home Depot parking lot, I saw a young girl repeatedly jumping over a curb. Unfortunately for her, one time she jumped a little too short and fell. "Stupid kid," I thought, while she cried about her injured knee. Seconds later I fell down in the parking lot. Fucking karma.

Girls like money

More proof that women love money: Rod Stewart, 60, is marrying Penny Lancaster, 33. Click here for story.



Here's a topless photo of her. Check out Rod The Bod. If the pic doesn't come up, click refresh.

Langdon woman murdered, Sleepy Dosmann on the run

Believe it or not, it looks like there was actually a murder in Langdon, ND. Click here for the story.

The body has been identified.

Tara Reid's Boob

Here's an article about Tara Reid suing over a reference to her boob. And here's the picture of her boob.

Billionaires

Forbes released its annual list of billionaires again; and again I'm not on it.

I did however make this list:

World's Poorest People

#1
Kenny (last name unknown), Washington, DC
Age: unknown
Net Worth: $16
Income Source: Begging




#2
Michael Wirth, Mesa, AZ
Age: 30
Net Worth: $1,200
Income Source: Wirthy.com editor and postcard designer




#3
Eric Meyers, Gary, IN
Age: 17
Net Worth: $2,600
Income Source: works at McDonalds

I'll be rich

Wirthy.com, Inc. just increased its net value infinitely with its latest acquisition.

I can not go into details right now but let me just say that if you own a multi-million (billion) dollar company, you should register the domain name (example: www.____logistics.com).

If anyone is interested in buying the domain name I just bought, please e-mail your offer to wirthy@wirthy.com. Serious bidders only.

Teacher-Student Sex Scandals

Lately quite a few teachers have been charged with having sex with their students. I've researched some of the cases and determined what the verdicts should be. Hopefully the courts will agree with me.

By the way, in every case where the accused teacher is male, I believe a guilty verdict should be rendered.

Toni Lynn Woods (article)
My Verdict: Guilty





Pamela Joan Turner (article)
My Verdict: Not Guilty





Adrianne Hockett (article)
My Verdict: Guilty





Margaret De Barraicua (article)
My Verdict: Guilty




Nicole Pomerleau (article)
My Verdict: Guilty





Debra Lafave (article)
My Verdict: Not Guilty





Angela Stellwag (article)
My Verdict: Undecided

Cleanin' the tub

With help from my new Scunci Steamer 900 steam cleaner, my scuzzy shower looks like it's brand new again.




Before


After

What the hell is going on here?

Phil takes it on the 18th. Click here for photo.

Killing cats legally!

Now here's a guy I can throw my support behind! I need to call my congressman and get this on the Arizona law books.

Larry Keeling, can I borrow your pellet gun?

You know what - keep stray kids off my property too.

Wisc. Hunter Wants Open Season for Cats

MADISON, Wis. - Hunter Mark Smith welcomes wild birds on to his property, but if he sees a cat, he thinks the "invasive" animal should be considered fair game. full story

Slum birthday party

How many kid birthday parties have you been to with one of these inflatable things in the backyard? Well, when you're poor and live in the slums (my house is three down), kids have to play in the driveway.


Slum birthday party

Gay iPod

Browsing through some of the songs on my iPod, it is completely possibly that I am gay.

Good Vibrations - Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch

Making Love Out Of Nothing At All and Even The Nights Are Better - Air Supply

Eternal Flame - Bangles

All By Myself - Celine Dion (also have the version by Eric Carmen)

Only Time - Enya

After The Rain and Only Time Will Tell - Nelson

Jesse James - Cher